Here I sit, in my nice house in Perfect. Here I sit at my computer, typing away. My daughters are safely upstairs watching their individual TV's in their individual rooms. They are lying on their big, soft, warm, safe beds; without a care in the world. My (brand new) refrigerator is stocked to the gills with my Thanksgiving Day turkey and all the trimmings. I just got my hair done and went to go see a wonderful movie three times in four days. (Clearly, I LOVE THAT DAMN MOVIE!!) I have clothes in my closet and so do my husband and children. We have shoes on our feet. We have entertainment. Clean drinking water. Heat. Blankets. The whole nine yards. You know. . .pretty much EVERYTHING!! So, what's my problem? You might ask?
The things that money can NOT buy.
Things like family.
I have a strained relationship with most of my family and it hurts me ---- without end. I mean it, people. There is no end to the pain that I feel as a direct result of this one. simple. fact. I feel misplaced in the world. I feel left out. I feel forgotten. I feel unloved. I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad. I feel afraid that I can't be everything to my children, so they must certainly be missing out?!?
I think that last one hurts me the most.
You can't force people to "do the right thing". If y'all have read my blogs before you will recognize this"running theme". You see, I'm a control FREAK (Yes. All caps and bold. That's it.) Yet, even with my "freak" on. . .I have exactly zero control over my family. I can't force those who aren't speaking to me to pick up the phone and reach out. I can't force those who have wronged me to even try, for one FUCKING SECOND TO MAKE IT RIGHT. . .oh. . .sorry. . .I was yelling. I can't make people see that shutting me out is also shutting my children out. I can't open their eyes to the fact that, when you miss something with a child, you've missed it. Forever. There's no unringing that bell, folks. I have no power over them; those who've turned their back on me and my family. And in the end, I don't want it. I want them, of their own volition, to pick up that phone. To humble themselves enough to admit that they are ALSO not perfect and perhaps, even partially to blame for what's happened to this family. I can NOT be the root of all evil in the world. Sorry folks. I don't have that much power or control. (As much as I might WISH that I did. . .)
That's all well and good, right? Right. But, the real, honest, sad truth is this. . . . .they never will. I will. I will keep on reaching out and getting my hand slapped and my heart crushed. I will keep on, "keepin' on". I will make every attempt to love on them, even though they're not here. I will never bad mouth them to my children, even though I cry after my girls have asked me, yet again, where they are and why they don't come over or call anymore? I cry alone. In private. I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry in bed. I cry when they're at school. I cry every time I want to pick up the phone and beg for the love of my family, but can't make that call. I cry when I can't stop myself and I text. . .just one more time. Praying for a response that never comes. I cry when I type long emails that I can't ever send. I cry when I type blogs that are only for my benefit. I cry when I realize that I have to be EVERYTHING to my girls.
Mother.
Father.
Grandmother.
Grandfather.
Aunt.
Uncle.
Cousins.
What am I supposed to do with that? How can I NOT fail? The pressure to be "the village" for my girls is staggering. Crushing. Overwhelming. Yet. . . .I can't stop. I can't relent. I can't just NOT. I love them more than they'll ever know. I possibly love them MORE because. . .in the end. . . .they're the only family I have. We have each other. No more. No less.
So, in a couple of days, I'll get up early and start the days meal. We'll play games and I'll cook something delicious for my family. We'll eat until we're sick. We'll sit in our beautiful home in Perfect. I'll strain my ears to listen for the knock on the door that won't ever come. Hell, if you looked though the window, you'd half expect to see Norman Freakin' Rockwell, sitting by me on the sofa watching a movie. I'll feel like something missing; like I've "forgotten something", all day. I'll hold out the hope that they'll come by to the bitter end. Not until I turn out the light and head to bed will I be 100% sure that they're NOT COMING. We'll all sleep in our safe, warm, comfortable beds. I suppose that I'm just hoping that when their head hits the pillow that night they're not thinking, "Gee, I wonder why we're not good enough to have a 'real family' like everybody else?" It's always hard to go outside and take a walk after dinner and see all of the cars parked in the street. All the cars of all the FAMILY that's visiting. Eating together. Playing together. Loving together. Building memories together. I pray that I don't have to dry anymore of THEIR tears because, once they get back to school, they'll get to hear about all the wonderful things people got to do with their grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins and it will remind them of how "empty" our house was. Again.
So. . . yeah. . . .this isn't The Most Wonderful Time of the Year around here at all. This is the time of year when, we're reminded of what we don't have. What's lacking. The pain and emptiness that is left behind when your family turns their back on you. I tell myself, every year, that this is THE LAST year that I'm going to let this get to me. I pull my chin up off of my chest and remind myself that my life is full. Complete. Happy. My girls are well adjusted, well behaved, smart, beautiful, healthy kids. But, I know. . . .deep down inside. . . .how it feels to be missing a part of yourself. I know what it's like to be that kid who doesn't want to say anything about that missing person, because you don't want to hurt your mom. So, I wonder. Are they REALLY okay with it, in the end? I mean, over and beyond the tears from "not being like everyone else at school'? I mean, the real meat and potatoes of who they are. Will they grow up and blame me for the loss? The emptiness? The time that they'll never be able to get back?
You see. . .the things that money can't buy, the things that I can not control, the 'things' that make me cry aren't really "things" at all.
Take a deep breath. . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!
The things that money can NOT buy.
Things like family.
I have a strained relationship with most of my family and it hurts me ---- without end. I mean it, people. There is no end to the pain that I feel as a direct result of this one. simple. fact. I feel misplaced in the world. I feel left out. I feel forgotten. I feel unloved. I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad. I feel afraid that I can't be everything to my children, so they must certainly be missing out?!?
I think that last one hurts me the most.
You can't force people to "do the right thing". If y'all have read my blogs before you will recognize this"running theme". You see, I'm a control FREAK (Yes. All caps and bold. That's it.) Yet, even with my "freak" on. . .I have exactly zero control over my family. I can't force those who aren't speaking to me to pick up the phone and reach out. I can't force those who have wronged me to even try, for one FUCKING SECOND TO MAKE IT RIGHT. . .oh. . .sorry. . .I was yelling. I can't make people see that shutting me out is also shutting my children out. I can't open their eyes to the fact that, when you miss something with a child, you've missed it. Forever. There's no unringing that bell, folks. I have no power over them; those who've turned their back on me and my family. And in the end, I don't want it. I want them, of their own volition, to pick up that phone. To humble themselves enough to admit that they are ALSO not perfect and perhaps, even partially to blame for what's happened to this family. I can NOT be the root of all evil in the world. Sorry folks. I don't have that much power or control. (As much as I might WISH that I did. . .)
That's all well and good, right? Right. But, the real, honest, sad truth is this. . . . .they never will. I will. I will keep on reaching out and getting my hand slapped and my heart crushed. I will keep on, "keepin' on". I will make every attempt to love on them, even though they're not here. I will never bad mouth them to my children, even though I cry after my girls have asked me, yet again, where they are and why they don't come over or call anymore? I cry alone. In private. I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry in bed. I cry when they're at school. I cry every time I want to pick up the phone and beg for the love of my family, but can't make that call. I cry when I can't stop myself and I text. . .just one more time. Praying for a response that never comes. I cry when I type long emails that I can't ever send. I cry when I type blogs that are only for my benefit. I cry when I realize that I have to be EVERYTHING to my girls.
Mother.
Father.
Grandmother.
Grandfather.
Aunt.
Uncle.
Cousins.
What am I supposed to do with that? How can I NOT fail? The pressure to be "the village" for my girls is staggering. Crushing. Overwhelming. Yet. . . .I can't stop. I can't relent. I can't just NOT. I love them more than they'll ever know. I possibly love them MORE because. . .in the end. . . .they're the only family I have. We have each other. No more. No less.
So, in a couple of days, I'll get up early and start the days meal. We'll play games and I'll cook something delicious for my family. We'll eat until we're sick. We'll sit in our beautiful home in Perfect. I'll strain my ears to listen for the knock on the door that won't ever come. Hell, if you looked though the window, you'd half expect to see Norman Freakin' Rockwell, sitting by me on the sofa watching a movie. I'll feel like something missing; like I've "forgotten something", all day. I'll hold out the hope that they'll come by to the bitter end. Not until I turn out the light and head to bed will I be 100% sure that they're NOT COMING. We'll all sleep in our safe, warm, comfortable beds. I suppose that I'm just hoping that when their head hits the pillow that night they're not thinking, "Gee, I wonder why we're not good enough to have a 'real family' like everybody else?" It's always hard to go outside and take a walk after dinner and see all of the cars parked in the street. All the cars of all the FAMILY that's visiting. Eating together. Playing together. Loving together. Building memories together. I pray that I don't have to dry anymore of THEIR tears because, once they get back to school, they'll get to hear about all the wonderful things people got to do with their grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins and it will remind them of how "empty" our house was. Again.
So. . . yeah. . . .this isn't The Most Wonderful Time of the Year around here at all. This is the time of year when, we're reminded of what we don't have. What's lacking. The pain and emptiness that is left behind when your family turns their back on you. I tell myself, every year, that this is THE LAST year that I'm going to let this get to me. I pull my chin up off of my chest and remind myself that my life is full. Complete. Happy. My girls are well adjusted, well behaved, smart, beautiful, healthy kids. But, I know. . . .deep down inside. . . .how it feels to be missing a part of yourself. I know what it's like to be that kid who doesn't want to say anything about that missing person, because you don't want to hurt your mom. So, I wonder. Are they REALLY okay with it, in the end? I mean, over and beyond the tears from "not being like everyone else at school'? I mean, the real meat and potatoes of who they are. Will they grow up and blame me for the loss? The emptiness? The time that they'll never be able to get back?
You see. . .the things that money can't buy, the things that I can not control, the 'things' that make me cry aren't really "things" at all.
Take a deep breath. . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!
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