The Evolution of My Apology

I was sorry that I hadn't met you sooner,

Unable to love you when you were younger, less jaded. 

I was sorry that I couldn't earn your trust, 

Someone must have really hurt you before. 

I was sorry that you were so fragile,

I knew I needed to handle you with care.

I was sorry that no matter how delicate I was,

Those broken pieces of you never healed.

I was sorry that I was always so careful,

Carelessness remained your default.

I was sorry that I didn't know what I was doing,

While you are a professional dater.

I was sorry that I was so naive, vulnerable and open,

Thinking I needed to be more like you.

I am sorry that I loved you, 

While you barely tolerated me. 

I am sorry that I thought I could care enough for both of us,

Not understanding that that's where I was doomed to fail.

I am sorry that I saw only the best in you, 

While I was invisible to you, never seen at all. 

I am sorry that I overvalued you, 

Being so undervalued myself.

I am sorry that I cherished every moment with you, 

All you did was take me for granted. 

I am sorry that I made you a priority, 

When I was barely an option in your mind. 

I am sorry that my light shines so brightly, 

All that was left for you were the shadows. 

I am sorry that you prefer the shadows, 

Never embracing my light. 

I am sorry that I wanted to help you,

Not recognizing how you relish the brokenness. 

I am sorry that I wasted so much time trying to build you up,

In that same time, you were tearing me down.

I am sorry that I never wanted to give up, 

Not accepting that you never gave in.

I am sorry that I thought I wasn't enough for you, 

All the while I was "too much".

I am sorry that you want less,

Here I sit, only knowing how to give it my all. 

I am sorry that I believed in you, 

I believed in the facade.

I am sorry that I took it so seriously,

While you thought of me as such a joke.

I am sorry that I trusted you, 

When all you knew how to do was lie. 

I am sorry that you'll never know what true love is, 

You're too busy hating yourself. 

I am sorry that I tried to tell you so much,

Knowing now that you were never listening. 

I am sorry that my pain was such an imposition,

The pain you so carelessly inflicted. 

I'm sorry that I didn't see it sooner, 

So much time wasted. 

I'm sorry that I'll never be able to reach you, 

Your armor so thick, your intense protection, impenetrable. 

I'm sorry that I'm so stupid,

Never wanting to believe who you really are.

I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to realize, 

I have nothing to be sorry for. 

I Didn't Know (A Follow Up to "I Just Knew)

 I didn't know you,

The person standing before me,

Hiding in plain sight. 

I didn't know what you were doing, 

Every time you left me, I thought you just went home,

It never occured to me you were going to someone else's bed. 

I didn't know that everything was a lie,

That you were using the same words with other women,

All to trap us in a web of deceit. 

I didn't know you were pretending to have never even "met anyone",

It was worse than us just being "casual" or in a "situationship"

You denied that I even existed. .  .you denied WE ALL existed, all to gain MORE women.

I didn't know that the "friends" you were visiting every weekend you had to "escape" were all women,

You were so strategic in your words, your pictures, your explanations, 

You covered your trail so perfectly. 

I didn't know that your anxiety wasn't REALLY about having feelings for me,

It was ALL about being nervous about getting caught,

Or maybe it's the little bit of humanity left inside you that KNOWS what you're doing is so, so wrong.

I didn't know that your "anger" towards me was really anger at yourself, 

You'd get so angry at me, for contacting you when you were with her,

How was I to know I was "stressing you out" BECAUSE I was jeopardizing "your game"?

I didn't know that I was apologizing for YOUR mistakes,

I believed that I really was the cause of all of your stress and felt so badly about it,

I would tell you how sorry I was, try harder, be better, all while YOU were the one being shady.

I didn't know that I could fall so hard for someone that didn't actually exist,

You've created such a beautiful character, he's charming, vulnerable and likeable, 

Does this mean that my love isn't real, if YOU'RE fake? 

I didn't know I could cry so hard, 

So hard that I almost threw up, so hard that I couldn't breathe, 

These tears are in direct proportion to the love I had and the trust you broke. 

I didn't know that I could feel so hollow,

You've taken something away from me that was fundamental to who I was,

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust anyone else and love them the way I loved you. 

I didn't know what I didn't know,

You took advantage of that fact,

And allowed me to love you anyway. 

I didn't know I could feel so broken and alone,

All while still wishing you could hold me, to comfort me,

And simultaneously wanting to punch you in the face. 

Funny that what I DIDN'T know turned out to be the most important thing about you. . . .

 

I Just Knew

 I had been alone for years,

I had done all "the work" on myself,

I just knew,

It was time to try again. 

I opened up that "dating app", 

Did all the clicking and swiping, 

I just knew, 

This wasn't going to work. 

Then, one day I opened it again, 

Someone new had "liked" me, 

I just knew, 

I needed to open my heart and mind to the possibility.  

I took that chance, 

I liked you back, 

I just knew, 

This could actually be fun. 

The messages started going back and forth, 

First you, then me, 

I just knew, 

This man seems different. 

We decided to meet, 

Just lunch, in public, you know, something safe, 

I just knew, 

I was actually excited for the first time in a long time. 

I saw you walk up, 

Because I'm ALWAYS the first one there,

I just knew,

I was attracted to you.

One date, turned into two, 

All in the same day, 

I just knew, 

We had a connection. 

You kissed me, 

It was a good kiss, 

I just knew, 

I was in trouble. 

The night was a blur, 

Kissing, touching, intimacy, 

I just knew, 

I felt alive for the first time in a long time. 

There were so many firsts for me, with you, 

Things that, at MY AGE, seem improbable, yet were true, 

I just knew, 

This was special. 

We'd see each other, we'd text each other, we'd touch each other, 

Everything was moving along, the way "these things do",

I just knew, 

I was having fun. 

You said so many amazing things, 

You seemed to know how to touch me, how to treat me, 

I just knew, 

I trusted you.

Somehow, you made me feel safe, seen, beautiful,

For the first time in my life,

I just knew,

I could fall in love with you. 

Then it happened, as it ALWAYS seems to happen, 

You started pulling away, pushing me away, being more closed off,

I just knew, 

Things weren't going as I had hoped. 

I started overthinking, over worrying, 

But, I know that stresses you out, so I also became quiet, as not to "make it worse",

I just knew, 

Maybe if I'm patient, things will work themselves out. 

The distance became greater, 

The times between replies and visits became vast. . . .chasms really,

I just knew, 

This was the beginning of the end. 

You were talking to other people, I wasn't, 

You had every right to do this, because you had made it clear, "you didn't want anything serious",

I just knew, 

I was watching you find my replacement. 

You told her you weren't seeing anyone,

Even though I existed in your life, 

I just knew, 

I didn't matter at all. 

I figured, you were done with me, 

I said as much to you, 

I just knew, 

You didn't want me anymore. 

You somehow made it seem as though I was the one that didn't want you, 

As if YOU weren't enough for me, even though I never felt that way, 

I just knew, 

There was nothing I could do to save us. 

We're done,

Two simple words really that, individually, don't mean much, but together, 

I just knew,

My heart shattered.

Now, you are just a few words here and there on a screen, 

Someone I care about but can no longer touch, 

I just knew, 

This one is going to take a LONG time to recover from. 

So, here I am, full circle, again, putting in "all the work" to heal my aching heart, putting those pieces back together,

Reflecting on what happened, because. . . .

I just knew,

Even knowing what I know now, I'd still do it all over again, just to be with you. 

Take a deep breath, 

It's just another day in "Perfect".

It's Been A While. . . . . .

Hey there readers! It's been a while. Like a LOOOOONNNNG while since I've written anything. There's a myriad of reasons behind that I suppose. Most of which are excuses AND reasons. (You know the difference between the two by now, right?) But, I think mainly it's because I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying. I was deep in feelings that were perhaps too painful to share. I felt too vulnerable; too broken to open up here. 

Ironically, now I feel even MORE emotional, MORE vulnerable and MORE broken and I think it's important to share it. 

As humans we tend to close ourselves off from things. Shut out the pain by taking that drink or smoking that thing or popping that pill. Maybe it's finding a beautiful distraction; which turns out to not be so beautiful in the end. I've been doing this for too long now. Not allowing myself to feel the pain of it all. Being the strong woman everyone expects me to be. The "I don't need anyone or anything" tough bitch all of my friends and family have come to know and love(?).  You know what it's gotten me, being closed off? A complete disconnection with myself and those around me. 

I've been so busy protecting everyone, including myself, from my feelings that they've run amuck. (Amuck, amuck, amuck. . . . .if you know, you know!) I've denied that I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, disappointed, betrayed and abused to the point where now I'm struggling to find any joy, happiness, fulfillment, contentment or pleasure. You see, it's not like I can simply "turn off" ONE of my emotions and leave all the others on "full blast", so I can "just feel the good shit". Don't I WISH it worked that way? Hell, don't we ALL wish it worked that way???  Wouldn't life be so much easier? 

So, here I am. . . . .sitting in my anger. My frustration. My disappointment. My betrayal. My abuse. Not wallowing, but noticing, naming and releasing it. All in the quest to find my joy and to reconnect with myself and everyone I love. 

Here goes: 

I didn't ask to lose my husband, my mother, my grandmother, my aunt and have to put my sweet kitty down all in just a few months time. I'm upset that I feel abandoned by all of them; even the ones that died and had zero choice in the fact that they left me. Emotions don't have to make sense. I'm ANGRY at them for leaving me. I'm frustrated that I had no control over the "leaving". I'm disappointed that things didn't turn out differently. But here we are. They're gone. I'm moving past it. 

I had to sell the only home my daughters have ever known and move across the country. Again, through no choice or action of my own doing. I'm pissed off that I lost so many precious things in the process. I'm fucking LIVID that I had to leave loved ones behind. I'm devastated that I lost the only home I ever wanted to live in. I feel betrayed that this was thrust upon me by the choices of someone else. Pile on top of this moving to a place where I feel like an outsider. A place where no one talks to me. A place that's so foreign, it almost feels like a different planet to me. And you end up with LOTS of resentment towards the man that forced this upon me. The deep sense of loss is almost indescribable. This one "event" truly made me lose myself in the process. The sheer shock of it all. The utter "leaving behind" of everything I knew and held dear did profound damage. I. AM. ENRAGED. This one is being a much harder one to RELEASE. I've noticed the pain. I've named the emotions, but I'll be damned if I can truly release it yet. I think I'm afraid if I "let it go" I'll simply fall apart or maybe just start floating up to the sky, never to be seen again. Like somehow, this . . .this fucking agony is what's keeping me grounded. 

And yet, I feel all of this shit with a smile on my face. Not wanting to pollute any of my relationships with how truly sad and broken I feel most of the time. I feel alone. Lonely. Isolated. And yet, even in that there's a comfort for me. A protection of sorts. If I don't let anyone get too close to me, they won't let me down again. They won't hurt me any further. (Which let's face it, at this point would be a tragedy of biblical proportions, right? Insert eyeroll here.)  In truth, all this does is make me feel like I'm lying (which if you actually KNOW ME, you know how I feel about THAT SHIT!) and being disingenuous to the situation at hand.  

But, I've been working on myself lately. Quietly. Privately. Where no one can see me. Not telling anyone. Walking through the fear of what I'll find when I truly find myself. Holding myself accountable for the things I've done that have caused people to leave me in the past. Seeing my part in situations that didn't work out the way I wanted them to. Also realizing that not EVERYTHING is indeed my fault. Some people are just incapable of loving someone the right way because of their own damaged, broken heart. Some situations were never going to sustain themselves, no matter how hard I tried. I've been learning to not only forgive the OTHERS that hurt me but I'm learning to forgive myself for so many, many things. This makes me vulnerable. This has shown me "my broken" in a way that I've never seen it before. It certainly has opened up a world of emotions. 

There are, however, these glimpses I'm getting, of myself. The person I could be. The person I want to be. The person I need to be. A whole person. I healed person. I thankful person. Not a perfect person, but a perfectly imperfect, delicate, gentle, honest, faithful, noble, tender, compassionate, empathetic, caring, loving, nurturing, fierce, strong, reliable, determined, loyal and genuine human being. Someone I can be proud of. Oh the beauty in the glimmer of what could be!!! 

So, yeah, it's been quite a while since I've tried to put my thoughts down, but here I am laying it all out to be seen, in the hopes it will help keep me accountable to myself to keep going on this journey of discovery, forgiveness and growth. 

Take a deep breath, it's just another day in "Perfect". 

We Accept the Love That We Think We Deserve

It's a universal truth, whether we like it or not. . . .we really do accept the love that we think we deserve.  This can be an amazing thing.  It can allow folks to end relationships that aren't fulfilling and create loving, stable, complete, equal, tender partnerships.  Where this becomes a total CRAPPER kind of a deal is when someone doesn't really feel their own worth.  Say someone who's been abused their entire life and they feel "less than", dirty, damaged, unlovable, tarnished and undeserving.  Now, IMAGINE what kind of love THAT kind of person might "accept"?

It's painful when you've already been used and abused and then find that the person who claims to love you is really only "in it" about 10%.  Why would anyone put up with a person only loving them 10%, you might wonder?  Well. . . .I'll tell you, when you feel like 90% SHIT all of your life, YOU try ten times harder to be lovable. . . .be quiet. . . .be accommodating. . . .NOT be demanding. . . You carry the weight of that relationship because, in fact, you feel as though you DESERVE to work harder.  You DESERVE to put in 190% to make up for that "loved ones" 10% effort.  I mean, come on, isn't he doing me a favor by lowering himself that much to even BE with me?  Aren't I so beyond damaged goods that no man would ever want me?  No man will EVER love me?  He's the "only one" who'd even take on someone as fucked up as I am, right?   Then, you've got his family reminding you what a piece of shit you are and guess what?  You believe them.  Why?  Because you tell yourself the same thing every time you look into the mirror.  You KNOW that you're broken, scarred, incomplete somehow.

I suppose the part that's never really made any sense to me is, why don't people WANT to help someone who feels like shit up?  Stick your damn "pristine hand" down in that shit and lift that person, whom you CLAIM to love, up to "your level".   Why does it NEVER fail that the folks who end up with these fragile, vulnerable people are takers?  Non-stop takers at that.  The kind of takers that leave a person so depleted and vacant and empty and lonely that they consider walking away from their entire lives, just to get a (much deserved) break.  It's funny how both people in these totally fucked up relationships are, actually, "getting something" out of it.  For the 190% giver, they get someone. . .ANYONE . . . .to love them. . . someone to take care of, someone to have that "perfect little life" with, someone to "finally get it right" with, someone to wake up for and go to sleep with, someone to build your entire life around, someone to give you sweet babies and a roof over your head.  Someone that will construct such a life, as to allow you to show the world "SEE, I'M NOT TOTAL SHIT!  I CAN HAVE IT ALL!"  Even when "all" of it is total bullshit.  Even when you're so totally alone in the "facade" of a life you've built that you wonder if anyone would even notice if you just were to vanish into thin air.  Then, the 10% person gets all of your love, commitment, devotion, emotion, care, concern, attention, admiration, adoration and caring. They get taken care of, seen, valued, built up, nurtured and validated. They are allowed to be lazy and still get the reward. This validates that they're "doing everything right". I mean "look at how well she's treating me, right?!!?!? "

So, I suppose, in the end, the only way to break this self-destructive cycle is to start seeing, feeling and really BELIEVING that you deserve something better. Believe that you deserve to be seen, taken care of, babied, nurtured and validated, too. The only way out is through. Now, I'm not saying it will be easy. Hell, I'm not even sure how to do IT myself, exactly, but, I'm trying. You have to start somewhere. You have to dig deep and look inside yourself to understand that, just as you are, you're good enough. Just as you are, you're deserving. Just as you are, you are lovable. Open yourself up to a "better love" and a "better love" will find you. Until then, you'll keep accepting that damaged love you think you deserve.

Take a deep breath, it's just another day in "Perfect". . . . . 

Life in "Perfect": Some "Simply" Complicated Truths

Life in "Perfect": Some "Simply" Complicated Truths: There are a few things that I hold as "simple truths".  Now, I realize that my truth might not be your truth and I also recognize ...

Some "Simply" Complicated Truths

There are a few things that I hold as "simple truths".  Now, I realize that my truth might not be your truth and I also recognize that what's simple for one might be very complicated for another.  Stick with me and let's see where we land. . . . .

There is no reality; there is only perception. 

This can be best demonstrated by eye witness accounts of events. If 10 people witness and event, if 100 people, hell if a million people all witness the same event, if you interviewed each individual person would you get the same EXACT story twice? Absolutely not. Are they lying? Well, most certainly some of them might be. Some people just like to do that shit. You know who you are. Shame on you. Anyway, are they lying? Most of them are not. They are however victims of their own perceptions of the event. 

Your perception is easy to manipulate.

Just ask any marketing firm, advertising company, political party or media outlet and, if you can find an honest person, they'll tell you. You are constantly being manipulated to believe things, feel things, want things, dislike things, be fearful of things, hell, you're manipulated into downright HATING things. This is doubly bad when the manipulation comes from within and not without, as in from a family member, lover or close friend. 

Your ability to be manipulated is predictable. 

Depending on your IQ, your EQ and the totality of your life experiences, your "baseline" ability to be manipulated can be extrapolated. If you're a person that thinks that you're "the smartest person in the room", yet you have the emotional depth of a teaspoon of water in an Olympic sized swimming pool, you'll be easy to manipulate. However, you'll also be easy to manipulate if you're a super emotional, touchy feely person that has the intelligence of your average tree frog. Your "soft spots" will, of course be different from each other, but you will both be targeted often. Even people that are high in the IQ and EQ department with tons of applicable life experience can and do get manipulated. It's almost inevitable. As "pack creatures" we are very inner connected with our "pack mates".  Which brings me to the next "simply complicated truth". . . .

You're prejudiced against (or for) something. 

Yes you are. We all are. I'm sorry. I know that you don't like it. However, seeing as how we ARE "pack animals", we all just want to belong, be loved, be seen, be accepted, be safe and feel like we're actually part of the fucking pack. We look to our surroundings to find confirmation that we're behaving properly, doing the "right thing" or that we'll have support from our peers should we need it. Because of that, you're prejudice. In the truest sense of the word. You have a preconceived notion about something. That's how our brains work. Imagine all of the time it would take for us to have to evaluate every single individual thing that happened to us; like it was the FIRST time ANYTHING had ever happened to us? That would be a cluster fuck of monumental proportions. We are hard-wired to make snap decisions about things. For instance, if you're a woman reading this: Imagine that you're in a darkened parking garage, underground. It's late at night. The garage is nearly empty, but not quite. There are still a few cars here and there, scattered around. You start to head to your car, WAAAY in the back corner, because that was the only spot left when you got to the mall to get your cute ass shoes that were on sale. . .DON'T JUDGE BECKY! Anyway, you're walking to your car and notice that there's a van parked right next to your car. Then, when you're halfway to your car, you see a man start running towards you. Any man. He hasn't said one word. He hasn't approached you, directly. How do you feel? Now, everyone, tell me, is there a part of town that you wouldn't want your car to break down in? How about your daughter's car? How about your grandmother's car? That's a prejudice. You might also feel a strong affiliation with a political party or a certain organized religion; to the point where you feel that the people that don't feel like you are wrong, dumb, stupid, lost souls. That's a pre-judgement. Maybe there's a part of the world that you would "never go to". Why? Do you find that you tend to surround yourself with others that agree with you? Hmm . . . .interesting. 

Narcissists, pathological liars and "general shit stirrers" muddy the waters.

Make no mistake about it. We're all just these floating perceivers that are easy to manipulate with preconceived notions of the world, but when you throw in a good old narc or a compulsive liar or even just the ever present "shit stirrer" (could all be one person here. . .) things can go off of the rails quickly. See, there's no way to really KNOW if people are being honest with you or not, right? Sucks, but it's true. Is that story that your neighbor told you even true? Did your husband REALLY work late? Does your best friend really love your cheesecake? How will we ever know? The constant inner struggle to try to determine who and what to believe can make one feel insane! 

Even with all of this being true, there still IS right and wrong.

Yes, my perception is vastly different from yours. Yes, we're all too easily manipulated. Yes, we are, without fail, predictable creatures. And, yes, we all have our preconceived notions about things, other people, far off places and most things, both experienced and imagined. But, let's not forget, there are some fundamental things that are "simply" right and wrong, too. 

Apologies without behavioral changes is just more manipulation. 

Just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it, people. Grow the fuck up. Fix your shit or keep your mouth shut. 

Causing another harm, be it physical or emotional pain, is unacceptable.

See, we've all "signed off" on a social contract that simply states, "I don't get to hurt you". When you violate that contract there are consequences. One doesn't get to play the victim, after stabbing someone else in the back. See this big fucking knife right here? Yeah, you did that! Just stop. 

Unfortunately, there is NO karma or real justice to be had. 

The sad, simple truth is, there is no karma; there is no real justice; there is no "big reward for being a good person", just like there's no "real fucking horrible punishment" for all those assholes. After it's all said and done, what I've seen is that, unfortunately, the "bad guy" usually wins. There's no justice for most victims. Even if your "perpetrator" goes away, goes to jail, or even dies, is that really justice? Does it give you back ANYTHING you lost? I've seen more assholes get away with shit than I care to think about. I've also seen more good people suffer than I can stomach. The universe/God/karma police don't actually hand out gold stars or demerits according to behavior. You do NOT "reap what you sow". You don't "get what you give". That's just stupid shit that we say to each other to try to make ourselves feel better in the moment. Deep down, you know it's true. 

In the end, just be a good fucking person.

I'm a strong woman. I'm a loving mother. I'm a caring sister. I was a kind daughter and a devoted wife. I'm an independent in my thinking and my political views. I'm a fierce friend. I'm an atheist.  I'm also a good fucking person. Let's all just aim for that, okay? But, please don't get stuck in thinking that "your way is the only way" or that "you're always right and everyone else is always wrong". Just be a good fucking person. 

Take a deep breath y'all, it's just another day in Perfect!