My wonderful Papaw used to cook using a pressure cooker. You know the type, right? I remember being so fascinated and yet terrified of it. I remember the way it seemed to be alive; shaking, rattling and making noise. I remember expecting it to explode -- standing back, peeking around the corner just in case it did.
I'm the pressure cooker now.
Don't get me wrong, I realize, of course, that I've brought this on myself. Every towel must be hung perfectly every second of every day, in my house. The floors must always be freshly vacuumed, swept and/or mopped, every second of every day, in my house. Clothes must be pristine at all time. Dust has no place in my home. Movies are alphabetized, spices are, too. Bills are paid ahead of time, electronically. No room for "error" or a "oops", there. People must be listened to, respected and appreciated. They also are allowed limitless chances to make mistakes and be forgiven. I'm never allowed to be angry with anyone. I'm not allowed to "write people off", as people are NOT disposable. If I speak up for myself, then I'll be perceived as a "bitch" and, let's face it, no one wants THAT!. I'm not allowed to want anything. I'm not allowed to aspire to BE anything more than I already am. I would be a bad person if I felt anything other than blessed to have my home, my husband, my children. Feeling resentful about anything is an emotion that should be stuffed down, at all costs. There is NO room for failure. Meals must be cooked to perfection, each day. They must be nutritious and delicious. Everyone in my life, should everything they want, the minute they want it. If I can't produce, can't keep up, can't give enough, then I've failed. You get the picture. Type A personality ---- all the way. So, I know, in my soul, that the way I feel today, is ALL MY FAULT. Please do NOT write me and tell me such. I already KNOW it.
However. . . . ."knowing it" and being able to "snap myself out it" are two VERY different things. I often wonder what switch gets "flipped" when I'm able to be thankful for everything around me and why sometimes, that same switch gets "flipped off" and I see it all as a burden. A large burden at that. Why can't I just see this wonderful house as a blessing, every single day? Why can't I appreciate that I've found a man that will tolerate me? Why can't I look into my beautiful daughters eyes and feel complete? Whole? Fulfilled? Why isn't the "everything" I have --enough? Why do I feel like I might explode? The pressure cooker is really singing these days. . . . . .whistling its damn head off, actually.
I think that it quite possibly could be the fact that I have no control in my life. None. I don't have a say in when I wake up, when I go to sleep, what I eat for dinner, when I eat dinner, when I'll ever get a "break", vacations are a "no go" around here. There's very little to look forward to. I "get to" do today what I did yesterday. Which, coincidentally, is the same thing I'll be doing tomorrow. I can't force people to be kind hearted and honest. I can't make people be sincere and genuine. I can't seem to be nice enough to soften some people. I can't make the people who've wronged me, make it right. I can't force the people who have shut me out, to allow me back in. I can't change my husband. Hell, I can't even really tell him what's wrong. I'm too damn scared. I'm also too afraid to open up to my friends about how I feel. Will I be seen as weak? Pathetic? Depressed? (I get so tired of EVERY woman being labeled as depressed the SECOND she has some emotion other than happiness.) I have thoughts that I can't share. Feelings that I can't express. Let the pressure build.
I've spent my life caring about other people. I like to volunteer. I'm the person to come to if you NEED something. Anything. I like being needed. I like helping. I love to love. I love you for even reading this. Taking time out of your busy life to read words that I've written. Nice. I love people who've hurt me and done the "unforgivable". I've forgiven them. I've stayed in relationships, both friendly and romantic long after they became unhealthy for me. I've sacrificed my own sense of self and sanity, in order to stay close to people; only to have them discard me once my purpose was served. I've always been the dumped, never the dumpee. I would never discard someone --- EVER. Boy, that cooker is rocking and rolling now.
I want something to look forward to. I want more. More love. More kindness. More closure. More of an explanation of the "why of it". I want someone to look at me and see me for who I really am. I want to be able to BE who I really am and still be loved. I want to speak up for myself and not be seen as bitchy or bossy or selfish. I want to stop allowing the pressure to build up inside me, to a dangerous level. I want to be happy and healthy and thankful. Verily, I want nirvana. I want people to nice to each other. I want for people to see that our differences don't make us enemies; they simply make us WHO WE ARE. I want people to work together to build each other up; not spend all their time being manipulative and trying to tear each other down. I want us to listen to each other and really HEAR what we each have to say. It's all valuable. I want to find my own voice. I want to speak clearly and feel heard. I want my wants to be important to someone, too. I want to be able to allow myself to have desires and not feel guilty about it. I want to be dissatisfied with my life and not be judged for it. I want to be able to be honest about it and not be talked about behind my back. I want to be able to tell people the whole truth and not be terrified. I want the fact that I'm nice, honest, caring and soft hearted to be seen as good things. Hell, even strengths, not weaknesses. I want to STOP being seen as an "easy target". TOOT!!!!!! I think that the cooker is telling you --- it's done.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to release the pressure. I don't know how to "let go" of the dream that one day, everyone will actually care about everyone else. I DO know that it's a child's dream that I have. I also know that children always have the best dreams. The truest dreams. The purest dreams. Perhaps, the most REAL dreams, aspirations, plans. I can look around and see plenty of "grown ups" who could use a good dose of "dream" into their lives. So, you can call me childish if you want. I don't mind. I suppose, in the end, I've come to realize that the pressure cooker is what makes the meat so tender. Perhaps, it too, is what makes my heart so tender. My feelings so raw and exposed. Isn't it also the pressure that creates the diamond? The pearl? Granite? Perhaps, one day, I too will become stronger from the pressure. But, today----(heavy sigh)---- today, I just feel like I might blow my lid!!!!
Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!
I'm the pressure cooker now.
Don't get me wrong, I realize, of course, that I've brought this on myself. Every towel must be hung perfectly every second of every day, in my house. The floors must always be freshly vacuumed, swept and/or mopped, every second of every day, in my house. Clothes must be pristine at all time. Dust has no place in my home. Movies are alphabetized, spices are, too. Bills are paid ahead of time, electronically. No room for "error" or a "oops", there. People must be listened to, respected and appreciated. They also are allowed limitless chances to make mistakes and be forgiven. I'm never allowed to be angry with anyone. I'm not allowed to "write people off", as people are NOT disposable. If I speak up for myself, then I'll be perceived as a "bitch" and, let's face it, no one wants THAT!. I'm not allowed to want anything. I'm not allowed to aspire to BE anything more than I already am. I would be a bad person if I felt anything other than blessed to have my home, my husband, my children. Feeling resentful about anything is an emotion that should be stuffed down, at all costs. There is NO room for failure. Meals must be cooked to perfection, each day. They must be nutritious and delicious. Everyone in my life, should everything they want, the minute they want it. If I can't produce, can't keep up, can't give enough, then I've failed. You get the picture. Type A personality ---- all the way. So, I know, in my soul, that the way I feel today, is ALL MY FAULT. Please do NOT write me and tell me such. I already KNOW it.
However. . . . ."knowing it" and being able to "snap myself out it" are two VERY different things. I often wonder what switch gets "flipped" when I'm able to be thankful for everything around me and why sometimes, that same switch gets "flipped off" and I see it all as a burden. A large burden at that. Why can't I just see this wonderful house as a blessing, every single day? Why can't I appreciate that I've found a man that will tolerate me? Why can't I look into my beautiful daughters eyes and feel complete? Whole? Fulfilled? Why isn't the "everything" I have --enough? Why do I feel like I might explode? The pressure cooker is really singing these days. . . . . .whistling its damn head off, actually.
I think that it quite possibly could be the fact that I have no control in my life. None. I don't have a say in when I wake up, when I go to sleep, what I eat for dinner, when I eat dinner, when I'll ever get a "break", vacations are a "no go" around here. There's very little to look forward to. I "get to" do today what I did yesterday. Which, coincidentally, is the same thing I'll be doing tomorrow. I can't force people to be kind hearted and honest. I can't make people be sincere and genuine. I can't seem to be nice enough to soften some people. I can't make the people who've wronged me, make it right. I can't force the people who have shut me out, to allow me back in. I can't change my husband. Hell, I can't even really tell him what's wrong. I'm too damn scared. I'm also too afraid to open up to my friends about how I feel. Will I be seen as weak? Pathetic? Depressed? (I get so tired of EVERY woman being labeled as depressed the SECOND she has some emotion other than happiness.) I have thoughts that I can't share. Feelings that I can't express. Let the pressure build.
I've spent my life caring about other people. I like to volunteer. I'm the person to come to if you NEED something. Anything. I like being needed. I like helping. I love to love. I love you for even reading this. Taking time out of your busy life to read words that I've written. Nice. I love people who've hurt me and done the "unforgivable". I've forgiven them. I've stayed in relationships, both friendly and romantic long after they became unhealthy for me. I've sacrificed my own sense of self and sanity, in order to stay close to people; only to have them discard me once my purpose was served. I've always been the dumped, never the dumpee. I would never discard someone --- EVER. Boy, that cooker is rocking and rolling now.
I want something to look forward to. I want more. More love. More kindness. More closure. More of an explanation of the "why of it". I want someone to look at me and see me for who I really am. I want to be able to BE who I really am and still be loved. I want to speak up for myself and not be seen as bitchy or bossy or selfish. I want to stop allowing the pressure to build up inside me, to a dangerous level. I want to be happy and healthy and thankful. Verily, I want nirvana. I want people to nice to each other. I want for people to see that our differences don't make us enemies; they simply make us WHO WE ARE. I want people to work together to build each other up; not spend all their time being manipulative and trying to tear each other down. I want us to listen to each other and really HEAR what we each have to say. It's all valuable. I want to find my own voice. I want to speak clearly and feel heard. I want my wants to be important to someone, too. I want to be able to allow myself to have desires and not feel guilty about it. I want to be dissatisfied with my life and not be judged for it. I want to be able to be honest about it and not be talked about behind my back. I want to be able to tell people the whole truth and not be terrified. I want the fact that I'm nice, honest, caring and soft hearted to be seen as good things. Hell, even strengths, not weaknesses. I want to STOP being seen as an "easy target". TOOT!!!!!! I think that the cooker is telling you --- it's done.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to release the pressure. I don't know how to "let go" of the dream that one day, everyone will actually care about everyone else. I DO know that it's a child's dream that I have. I also know that children always have the best dreams. The truest dreams. The purest dreams. Perhaps, the most REAL dreams, aspirations, plans. I can look around and see plenty of "grown ups" who could use a good dose of "dream" into their lives. So, you can call me childish if you want. I don't mind. I suppose, in the end, I've come to realize that the pressure cooker is what makes the meat so tender. Perhaps, it too, is what makes my heart so tender. My feelings so raw and exposed. Isn't it also the pressure that creates the diamond? The pearl? Granite? Perhaps, one day, I too will become stronger from the pressure. But, today----(heavy sigh)---- today, I just feel like I might blow my lid!!!!
Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!
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