The Honor and Grace of Intimacy

What is intimacy?  I see it as being your true, authentic self, warts and all, with another person.  I think that's being open and honest about who you are.  Allowing someone inside of you.  Not in a sexual way, but rather an emotional one.  It's scary.  It's hard.  It's a HUGE risk.  It's also worth it.  Being fake or having pretense won't work.  You have to be. . .well. . .naked.  You have to honor someone else with your truth.

I see the honor in that.  I've always valued intimacy, probably more than anything else, in my relationships.  I feel honored when someone trusts me enough to be authentic with me.  Now, that doesn't always mean that it's good, or happy, or joyful.  No.  It can be ugly and painful and even bitter at times.  However, I've always found grace and beauty in the act of intimacy.  I've also tried to honor that with being authentic in myself.  Again, this doesn't always "work out" for me.  I do tend to be more "intimate" with folks than they are comfortable with.  Some people don't WANT you to be authentic.  It's foreign to them.  They can feel threatened or uncomfortable, especially if they aren't in an authentic place themselves.  Fake is the opposition to authentic.  That's okay.  They're just not "there" yet.

I'm so thankful and grateful to those around me who are genuine and "real".  I'm attracted to those people.  Unfortunately, I'm also attracted to people who struggle with the notion.  I've found myself in many relationships, friendships, romantic and familiar, that aren't truly intimate.  I become intrigued by their walls, the barrier that keeps them from me.  I want to break down that wall. . . .get to the "creamy center", if you will.  I've always felt "special", somehow, if someone who's generally stoic, opens up to me.  I love the feeling of being "the only one who really knows them".  This has set me up to be hurt and "shoved back out" of their lives, at times.  But, it's also allowed me the intimacy that comes with being patient and having some grace.  Some of my most sacred relationships have come from "staying the course" and waiting.

It's not always been easy to "practice what I preach", however.  I didn't realize it, until recently, that even though I wake up each day with the ideal of being "true" and "honest", that I was in fact, still closed off to some people.  I wouldn't allow them in.  I was afraid.  It was too hard.  It was too much of a risk for me.  I was damaging my own well being and the very life of the relationship by being "fake".  I was afraid to be weak, vulnerable. . . pathetic.  I didn't want them to see that I was, in fact, scared.  Damaged.  Broken.  Overwhelmed.  Imperfect.  Now, in my own "defense", these people had hurt me.  Extensively.  I wasn't ready to "jump back in, with both feet" and take the risk of being hurt again.  Well, guess what?  I only hurt myself, in the end.  The distance that they felt from me, allowed them to roam free.  Gave them "permission" to hurt me.  That "disconnection" was my own creation and then I was shocked when it was taken to the logical end.  All this did was "reconfirm" for me that I was, in fact, "right" to be disconnected.  "See. . .. I KNEW that he was going to hurt me again!!!  I was right to be distant"  WRONG!!!!   You can't push someone away and them blame then for leaving you.  You.  Just.  Can't.  This can also be said for folks who've shut me out.  I just don't seem to "get the message" soon enough.  I persevere and pray that they'll open up and allow me back into their lives.  Then, I've had to make the painful choice to turn and walk away.  There again, they seem to be shocked that they pushed me away and I left.  Someone, I get to 'take the fall" for their bad behavior and lack of authenticity and integrity.  Intimacy doesn't work that way, folks.  It's a fragile thing.  Delicate.  Easily destroyed.  Extremely hard to rebuild.

Intimacy goes both ways.  You have to allow someone in as much as they have to allowed you in.  It won't work if only one of you is "playing along".  There is an honor and grace to intimacy.  It's an honor to be intimate with someone.  There is a need for graceful understanding in an intimate relationship.  Cherish those that you have and seek to better those that you've neglected up til now.  Softening yourself to those you love, isn't weakness.  Quite the opposite.  It's the ultimate in strength.  You're showing that you know yourself.  You trust yourself.  You believe that you're good enough to be loved for who you really are.  Will you lose some folks along the way?  Perhaps.  Mourn that loss and move on.  The most fulfilling feeling is knowing that every single person who knows you, really truly knows YOU!  It's much easier to be who people WANT you to be and be "guaranteed" their love.  It's also much easier to think, "If they don't love me, it wasn't the "real me" they knew anyway. . .so. . .who gives a fuck?"  Tisk-tisk!!!  You're sabotaging the relationship yourself.  Be yourself.  Be genuine.  Honor those in your life who've done the same.  Be graceful to the ones who are struggling but still trying.  Remove those who will NEVER be authentic with you (or anyone else for that matter!).

I'm deeply honored and feel complete by the intimacy I have in my life.  I feel more myself than I've ever been.  I feel more grounded.  Content.  There's a peace found in true intimacy that can not be replaced by a thousand "friends" on Facebook or a hundred "acquaintances".  It's a sacred, honorable peace.

Take a deep breath. . . . .. it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!

Fifty Shades of. . . .Twilight????

If I asked you what book has a young girl who's an only child falling in love with a multi-millionaire, adopted man with copper, tousled hair in a matter of days, what would you say?  I suspect that it would depend on your age.  Young girls would say "Twilight", whilst us "seasoned" ladies would say "Fifty Shades of Grey".  They'd both be right.

What I found to be, frankly, amazing, was the striking similarities between the two series.  To the point, of both lead characters even saying the EXACT SAME things to "their men".  Let's start with just the basics:  Isabella and Anastasia, both very feminine, somewhat "exotic" sounding names that can be shortened to something sweet. . . .Bella and Ana.  Both ladies are only children.  Both ladies are uncoordinated and seem to "invite trouble".  Both ladies are both attracted to and yet afraid of the lead male characters that are their love interests.  Bella and Ana have to fight hard for their men to see that they're not inherently evil and although these women CAN be perceived as weak or pathetic, in fact, they're both the STRONG ONE'S in their respective series.  Bella is constantly being sheltered from scary situations and danger by her over protective Edward.  Whilst Ana is, too, by Christian.  Both ladies have their lives threatened and are then "saved" by their heroes.  Although, the broader idea of both stories is that the women, in fact, save the men from themselves.  This is quite contradictory to the way the ladies "seem" on the surface.  Who would think that two ladies who are such klutz's, so young and "innocent" and, frankly, not really good at much when compared to their loving partners would, in fact, be the true "force to be reckoned with".  Neither woman gives up on their relationships, even when the reader sees the end as a good, sound decision.

Onto the men.  Boy oh boy are they the same man or what?  Edward and Christian are both adopted into their families, as are all of their siblings.  They both have more money than God and want to shower it all over their women.  (Where can I sign up for some of that?)  They both are insanely "good at everything they do".  They both play an amazing piano piece, which is used as a barometer to their mood.  Speaking of moods, are these two of the moodiest men ever?  Both men seem to "change on a dime" and leave Ana and Bella 'breathless" and "trying to keep up".  They both sail with ease and expertise.  Granted, Edward can "fly through the sky", while Christian "just" flies helicopters, but they both "can" fly.  Christian and Edward both try to stay away from the object of their affection without success.  Both men have copper hair that always "falls perfectly".  Both men have long fingers. . .. Christian's are used a bit differently than Edwards, but hey, long fingers are good no matter how you slice it.

Now, you've got the "basic stories".  Bella/Ana meet up with their lovers and are instantly fascinated and beguiled.  Edward/Christian are also intrigued from the get go, but don't think that it's a very good idea to become involved with such "innocence".  Both men fear that they will somehow bring harm to the women.  Both couples experience an "electric charge" in the air between them, especially in enclosed spaces or when their skin touches.  Now, of course, we all know that in the Twilight Saga, Bella and Edward don't "do the nasty" until after they're married, but I honestly feel like Christian is EXACTLY how Edward WOULD be if he wasn't being so restrained.  If the Twilight Saga had been written by a non-mormon and for an older audience, then you'd have a lot more "fifty shades" of sex going on.  I mean, come on.  The entire time I'm reading Twilight (which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, by the way) I was thinking, "Really??  He doesn't want to just get it on with her?  Just once???"  After all, Edward had been waiting for a hundred years for "Miss Right".  I can't even picture the man who could/would wait for an entire century to have sex, can you?  At any rate, they do wait to consummate their relationship but once they do, it's very similar to Christian and Ana.  Both men are worried about hurting the "sweet young" ladies.  Both men are having to hold back in order to keep the women "safe".  Both relationships teeter on the brink of being abusive, in the sense that both men are super controlling and over protective.  But, somehow that's one of the parts of the series that intrigue's us, isn't it?  Don't we all have some secret place inside of us that WANTS a man to love and want us so much that they're willing to drop everything and come running to save us?  Don't we want a man that would go to any length and spend any amount of money to ensure our happiness and safety?  Both of these stories ride that line, perfectly.  The balance of power is constantly being shifted back and forth between the couple.  The women are strong and powerful enough to make us feel strong and empowered, too.  The men are just damaged enough to make them sympathetic characters.  We understand why they're so "mercurial".  We know why they feel the compulsion to over protect and over react.  The reader sees how vulnerable these men are and that's very, very sexy.  Both men use their many "smiles" to get their way with the ladies.  Bella can't resist Edwards "crooked smile". . . funny enough, Christian has one, too.  

Both stories have someone evil and half crazed (at least one) freak that's trying to hurt or kill our ingenue.  There's the "build up" of fear for them and then the wonderful "relief" of them being safe in the end.  Both ladies do suffer at the hands of their nemesis, but heal up nicely.  Both ladies have an "unexpected" pregnancy that the men are none too pleased about, early into their marriages.  Both women name their unborn babies something cute and endearing. . .Ana goes for "Blip", whilst Bella calls her baby "Nudger".  Of course, both babies are born and loved by their father's instantly.  This helps the reader LIKE the men more.  Since the majority of the reading audience for these books are female, we NEED for them to be good fathers.  Both series make that happen.  We see Edward and Christian as the ideal fathers.  Both loving their children with the same intensity that they love Bella and Ana.  

The Cullen's and the Grey's are thankful for Bella/Ana in that they've made their men, who prior to their arrival were brooding and moody and probably just torture to be around, happy.  You've got Dr. Cullen and Dr. Grey, one a father, the other a mother.  Both families have big hearts but hide secrets.  And, let's face it, these families live the life, don't they?  Jet setters, who travel the world and have "property" spread around the planet.  They live lives that few of us can relate to.  It makes the series fun to read and fantasize that that could be us one day!!  The similarities just go on and on. . . ..

In the end, "The Twilight Series" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" are the same idea; just aiming at different demographic.  They even end with the perspective shifting from the ladies point of view to the men's.  Stephanie Meyer hasn't released Edward's version yet, while E.L. James had Christian's point of view as an "Epilogue".  I love both series.  Now, they're talking about making "Fifty Shades" into a movie(s).  Huh.  Sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it?

The Grass Is, Most Certainly NOT. . .Greener.

Are you one of THOSE people?  You know the ones who always think that the grass is greener in someone else's yard?  The one who thinks that the woman you're cheating WITH is fucking AMAZING.  Little do you know, or care, that her EX-husband cheated on HER last year.  (Hence, the EX part.)  So see, he thought that she was a piece of shit.  Not worth his time or respect.  Do you think that the woman you're cheating on is boring and dull and fat and unattractive?  Well, guess what Buddy-boy. . .every time THAT woman leaves the house, someone's sniffing around her, too.  Someone ELSE thinks that SHE'S "fucking AMAZING".  

Why is it that we can't see what we have in our own back yard?  Why is it that we think that a "change of geography" is all we need to be "truly happy".  I mean, come on.  Do you honestly think that if you "hook up" with this person or that person, everything will "magically be all better".  Don't you think that that guy who's cheating WITH YOU, has a woman at home who loves him with all of her heart?  That she's waiting for him to come home and love her the way that she loves him?  Don't you think that someone else cast that woman aside for a reason?  Nobody's "perfect".  No one comes without "baggage".

If you were so damn worried about the "grass being greener" then why the hell didn't you water your own a bit?  I mean, seriously.  Do you REALLY think that, you're just gonna waltz off into the sunset with Ms. Right (more like Ms. Right Now. . .) and she's going to KEEP YOUR GRASS FOR YOU?  Ummm.  No.  Perhaps, you should cultivate your own lawn.  Maybe give what you've already got some TLC.  Water it.  Love it.  Pay attention to it.  See if it greens up some.  You can't shit in your own yard for, oh say. . .sixteen years. . .and expect it to smell like roses and sunshine!  You can't leave the yard to it's own devices and then wonder why it's full of weeds, my friend.

Granted, it does take TWO to keep the grass watered, weeded and well maintained.  However, you can NOT depend on the other person to do ALL the yard work and then expect them to ALSO be the cook, babysitter, house keeper, chauffeur, accountant, all around problem solver and. . .ah-hum. . .shall we say "love maker".  Once exhaustion has set in, and believe me IT DOES. . your partner WILL let things slip.  They won't water the grass every day, or even every OTHER day.  Something's gotta give!  Perhaps, instead of being "so pissed off" that your lawn looks like shit. . ..maybe, just fucking MAYBE. . .YOU SHOULD TRY TO WATER THAT SHIT YOURSELF!!!!!   Maybe, you could pull a weed or two?  Maybe you could fertilize it.  And I mean with something other than your bullshit.  I mean. . .something that will nurture it and help it grow.

People are too quick to "hop the fence" and see what that yard next door looks like.  Now, I'm not saying that you should stay no matter what.  Abuse is unacceptable.  But, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes.  At what point does neglect become abuse?  It's a fine line isn't it?  We wouldn't be okay with someone NOT FEEDING THE DOG in the yard.  Oh no. . .we'd report them and MAKE them feed that poor, poor creature.  When is it too late to save the grass?  When is it "acceptable" to just till it under and start over?  When should you just up and move plots?  How do you decide WHAT to do with it?   I think that first, you need to figure out if it, truly, was you that killed that yard or not.  I think that you need to search it for even a blade of green grass; one spot of "salvageable material".   Be honest.  Be honest with yourself and your partner.  If it's dead.  It's dead.  But, I'm not going to say that nothing will ever grow there again.  Perhaps, you can just "start over".  Try a different type of grass.  Go about it in a new way.  Take turns watering it.  Just BE INVOLVED, in taking care of it.  Because, in my humble opinion, the grass is most certainly, NOT greener in someone else's yard.

Life is what YOU MAKE IT.  Find the joy in "gardening".  Search your mind for the reasons why you chose who you chose in the first place.  Rekindle that fire.  Try. Your. Hardest. First.  If, in the end, it's beyond saving. ..then, walk away.  But, never forget what that experience taught you.  Be honest with yourself for the portions of grass that you KILLED, yourself.  Be slow to point fingers and fast to make amends.   Your yard is waiting for you.  Right here at home.  Where it's ALWAYS been.  You have to decide if you're coming home or not.

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in "Perfect"!!!!!!!

The Sorrow of It All

Pain.  It's inevitable isn't it?  You hurt.  You hurt other people.  It all sucks.  When is enough, enough?  When is it time to walk away from the pain and call it quits?  When have you been through enough pain that you come to realize that it's just not worth it anymore?

I don't know.  I never know.  I never seem to know when to leave.  When to free myself from it?  In some ways, I feel like I must "like it".  I must be so used to it that I wouldn't know what to do without it.  It seems, to me, that once I truly feel "happy" and "secure" I should KNOW that the pain is on its way.

I was happy.  Truly.  Deeply.  Completely.  Happy.  What was I thinking?

It's a long way to fall. . . .from up "high" like that.  But, fall I did.  They say that it's not the falling that kills you but rather the "landing".  Let me assure you. . .they're right.  HITTING bottom sucks.  Big,  Time.  Getting back up?  Nearly impossible.

When you find out that the person standing next to you is a total stranger it comes as quite a shock.  The day you hear that "he's done it, yet again", broken your heart.  It's a slap in the face like no other.  When you're HAPPY one second and devastated the next, it's. . . .disorienting.   At best.  I feel that way.  Disoriented.  Like I don't know which way is up.  Like I'm under water.  At midnight.  No light to guide me back to the surface for air.  No sense of where my body is in relationship to the Earth.   Like I just might drown in the sorrow of it.   Like the pain might overtake me at any moment and I just might INTENTIONALLY let myself sink.  Just let the pain swallow me up.  Burn me to ashes.

Then there's the anger.  The anger gives me a lifeline of sorts, I suppose.  It reminds me that I'm alive.  It reminds me that I have a spirit, a soul.  Feelings.  It reminds me that I DID NOT DO THIS.  I welcome it.  Embrace it like and old friend.  But, not show it.  NEVER show it.  The fear fights the anger and always wins.  I'm afraid if I show my anger it'll drive him further away.  Keep him just out of my reach.  So. . .I suck it up.  Swallow it down.  Let it fester inside of me.  Because, right now, it's all I've got to keep my head above the water.  I can float on it when I'm alone.  When he's asleep.  When I feel safe.

The lack of control is overwhelming.  I can't stop him from doing it again.  I couldn't stop him from doing it before.  I can't make him stay.  I can't make him love me.  I can't. . .I can't. . .I can't.  That's all I feel.  I can't. But. . .I CAN. . .control what I eat.  I can starve myself of food to feel whole again.  The hollow feeling it gives me somehow makes me feel complete and content and. . .in control.  People don't understand that, I know.  The people around me want me to eat, they think that it's "just the stress"or that I'm "in a depression" and "it'll pass".  I don't want it to.  I want to deprive myself.  Punish myself.  I WANT to feel empty, in every way possible. . .not just in my heart.  Somehow, my stomach being empty balances things out.  Empty heart, empty stomach. . . .perhaps, in a good moment, empty head.  It feels light and liberating.  It feels GOOD.   In a world of  NOTHING feeling good, I'll take it.  I'll take IT over the sorrow of it all.

Healing.  What an all encompassing word?  Where does healing come from?  Is it simply of function of time passing and our brains becoming distracted by EVERYTHING ELSE?  Does it come from some sense of relief or closure?  Does it come when you've completely removed yourself from the pain?  Like removing some splinter that's widdled itself into your skin so deeply that you can't even see it anymore, just feel it.  But, does the "digging it out" cause more damage than just leaving it alone?  Healing.  Where do you even begin that process?  It's a lonely journey, I believe.  One that each of us must do alone.  There's no time frame or limit on it.  It can be quick and relatively painless or go on for decades and break your spirit in the process.

Trust is earned, period.  Once it's broken, there might not be enough pieces of it left to repair.  Then what?  Where do you go when you're so afraid to trust someone again?  Is it EVER even possible to rebuild on such a broken foundation?  Is it possible to just "start over" on a "new" foundation?  Where do you find a "clear spot" of land to start construction on?  What if. . . .there's no room left inside of me to clear a plot?  Then, in the end. is the demise of my relationship my fault?  Am I to blame for not being able to open it all back up again?  To become vulnerable to him?

Sometimes, I feel like the sorrow of it all will win.  Sometimes, I just want to walk away and start my life over again.  As if that's really even possible.  Sometimes, I just want to be EVERYTHING for him so he'll ONLY want me.  I'll be enough for him.  I'll make him happy.  Sometimes, I KNOW that I'll never be enough.  Never HAVE BEEN enough, for him.  That's when the sorrow of it all, takes a deep breath and takes an even bigger part of my heart away.

Take a deep breath . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!

Letter To My 20 Year Old Self, From My 40 Year Old Self. . . .

Dearest fragile woman---

Take heart!  Life does get better!!  I know that right now, you "think" that your life is "perfect" in many ways and a complete "tragedy" in others.  Boy. . .are YOU WRONG!!!  It is, of course, both perfect AND tragic, but not in the ways in which you're viewing it now.  Know that there will come a time when a man will treat you with respect and allow you to be yourself, without judgement or abuse.  I promise that you will, in fact, be able to have children and that those children will change you in ways you can't possibly imagine right now.  I know that you think that you're not beautiful.  I also know that, one day, you will look back on the way you look right now as your "peak". . .the best you've ever been.  Relish is now!!!  Realize how precious your really are!  Look in that mirror every day and tell yourself how amazing you look.  All too soon, time does take its toll and, hey--GRAVITY WORKS!

Stop.  Settling.  Right.  Now.  Push yourself.  You're smarter than you want people to realize.  I know that you sell yourself short.  Don't.  Be ALL that you can be.  You don't want to look back one day say, 20 years from now and wonder. . ."Hmm. . .what if.. . . .??"  I promise you that that question is going to haunt you.  Play around with your thoughts and make you, basically, nuts.  Fulfill your destiny.  Live UP TO YOUR OWN STANDARDS!!

I know that you want to be loved, but don't allow others to treat you badly for the "promise" of it.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  The first time.  People who love you don't stab you in the back (or the front, for that matter!).  People who love you tell you the truth and are strong enough to accept YOUR truth, in return.  There will be some people whom you're going to have to let go of, in order to find out who YOU are.  That's okay.  You'll make it through the storm.  Allow yourself to learn from every relationship that you perceive as a "failure".  I promise you, these are your greatest teachers!   Don't wallow in the pain of the loss so long that you miss the lesson in it.

Your life hasn't been easy and I'm proud that you've chosen to not be a victim of it.  However, you ARE ALLOWED to set boundaries.  Please don't let people who've abused you in the past continue to wreak havoc on your life today.  Cutting the "ties that bind" is a liberating experience.  Please don't wait until you're in the thirties to do it!  You'll never feel freer than you do once you let go of the idea that the past can be any different.  Allow yourself to grieve to loss.  Lick your wounds.  Heal.  Completely.  Don't let anyone tell you that "telling YOUR story" isn't okay.  Your past is PART of you.  Not all of you, of course, but stop being ashamed of who you are, in order to make other people "feel more comfortable".  If they can't deal with the reality that is YOUR life then, fuck them.  You also need to know that you can't change people.  Period.  You can't MAKE people "do the right thing" or tell the truth when they're not ready.  Allow them to "walk their path" without being on yours.  It doesn't mean that they're lost.  It's simply that they're taking a different road than you.  Don't allow people to judge you or label you; using nothing but the "worst thing you've ever done" as a their "proof".  That's their bullshit, not yours.

Forgive yourself.  You have a good heart.  You don't carry malice for anyone.  Don't start.  But, let go of the self loathing that you carry.  It's a heavy load and eventually it will take you to a place so dark, you'll struggle to find your way out.  You WILL find your way though ------ with scraped knees and a bloody nose, torn clothes and blurry eyes. . .but OUT you will be.  The only way out, my dear sweet one, is through.  Learning to love yourself will be the hardest thing you're ever going to do.  Stick with it.  It just might pay off one day!

You don't have parents.  I mean. . .of COURSE you were brought into this world, but no. . .you don't have parents.  You don't have people to lean on or talk to.  You never have had that.  Quit fighting for it.  Release yourself from the hell that is the constant yearning for their affection.  Embrace being an orphan.  You'll be able to use this wound to help others later.  I promise.  The journey that the people who created you are on, just doesn't include you.  That's okay.  Peace will come.  I know.  Let go of those hopes and dreams now and save yourself a decade or two of heart ache.

You will be an amazing mother.  Far from perfect, obviously. . .but, you'll be caring and a good listener.  You're going to love your two beautiful girls with all that you are.  Your entire life will be FOR them.  About them.  Be careful though; you tend to lose yourself in other people.  You can get lost in them, too.  There will come a day when they're gone.  Then what?  Prepare for that AHEAD OF TIME.  Know that just because they're going to grow up, they're not going to leave your heart.  You will NEVER treat them how you were treated.  You will ALWAYS want them around.  Even if they're 2000 miles away.  You've done a good enough job to EARN their love and respect.  After all, there's more to being a mother than being an egg donor.  If there's ONE THING that you're going to be good at, in your life, it's loving your children.  Take a moment, every now and again to remind yourself of that fact.

Perhaps, you'll listen to me and make a few "simple" changes to your life, whilst you still can.  Perhaps, not.  More likely than not. you'll read this and think. . ."Huh?  Wonder what SHE wants from me?"  Nothing.  I simply want you to be easier on yourself.  Appreciate yourself.  Marvel at all that you have right now and KNOW all that is to come.  Be patient with yourself and your loved ones.  Everyone is doing the best that they can do.  Forgiveness is FOR YOU. . .not "them".   Just. . . . .be good to yourself.  You really do matter.

With deep caring, kindness and love,

Me

Giving and receiving. . . .a scary proposition

I've had something of an epiphany in the last week or so.  I don't know what to do about it, with it, for it. . .whatever.  I'm at a loss.  Truly.

I found out that I don't "accept" anything from people on purpose.  I try my damnedest to not "receive".  I like to give. . .hell, I LOVE to give.  I'll give until I'm so depleted that I have nothing left and then, I'll give some MORE!!!  I like that feeling.  I like to feel empty.  Hollow.  Incomplete.  It feels comfortable to me.  It feels like home.  More over, it feels safe.  If I don't allow you to give to me then it won't hurt so badly when you leave.  I don't want to get used to "getting" from you, because then. ..when it's over, I'll miss it.  I'll miss you.  I can't have that.  No.  Really.  I. Can't. Have. That.

I've built this little protective wall around myself that won't let anyone get too close to me.  Sure, I've got friends whom I'm honest with about my life, my feelings, my dreams, etc.  That's not what I'm talking about.   It's this intangible "thing" that I don't ever receive.  I don't take it in.  Ever.  When I feel myself being tempted to "take something", I step away.  I RUN away ---  FAST!!!

My husband is often angry with me because when he asks me what I "want" for Christmas or my birthday, I immediately say "I don't NEED anything."  He then repeats the question, with an emphasis on the WANT part.  I repeat my answer again.  We like to go back and forth like this for weeks.  Years, even.  It makes me feel good to not want/need anything.  It makes him feel like shit that he can't "provide" anything for me.  That part makes me sad.  My intention is not to make him feel badly, at all.  My sole intention is to not need him.  For anything.  Ever.  How shitty is that?  True.  But, shitty, nonetheless.

You see, I don't want to hurt when he leaves me.  I don't want to "miss" any part of him.  Of us.  I don't want to let him "get under my skin".  Oh, we have two beautiful daughters together.  We have a gorgeous home.  We have food in the kitchen.  A nice car in the garage.  He's provided all of these things.  But, see, for me. . .they're just "things".  Not being big on "things", it makes it quite easy for me to down play their value.  Important as they all are, I don't "NEED" them, at all.  I could live in an apartment, eating ramen, driving a POS that was safe and be happy as a clam.  I'm "over the moon" happy that my children don't have to live in an apartment, eating nothing but ramen and riding around in a car that would probably embarrass them.  But see. . .that's for them.  Not me.  I can keep my distance from it all.  That way. . .when it's all taken away from me, I don't have to long for it back.  I won't miss it.  Right?

More than that, I won't let those around me "give to me" more than I "give back".  I want to know that I've helped someone today.  Yesterday.  Tomorrow.  I want to know that I've made a difference.  A real difference.  But, I don't want to be known as "that girl who's so damn needy".  That's my biggest fear.  Seeming needy.  I want to be able to go to bed each night KNOWING that I gave back more than I took.

It all "sounds good", right?  Wrong.  I've found that I've kept people at a distance in such a way, invisible and intangible as it may be, that I've stopped myself from loving them as completely as I could have otherwise.  That barrier that I created works both ways.  I've kept the pain out, but I've kept the love out, too.  In making sure that I had no "ties that bind", has left me free floating out in space somewhere.  Alone.  Cold.  Silent.  In a self-inflicted prison with no visitors.  Safe?  Perhaps.  Lonely?  Not always.  Free of pain?  Of sorts.  Empty?  You, bet.

So, I suppose that if I had to have a "resolution" for this year, it would be, to let you in.  To let you GIVE to me.  To accept love without boundaries.  To allow myself to feel the warmth of the fire without worrying that someone's going to come along and douse it.  Fear has ruled my life for far too long.  No more.  I want to want.

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!

Moving On, Growing Up. . . .and a Bunch of Other Crap We All Hate To Do.

So, it's January.  New year, new start.  All that bull shit.  What January is to me is just the beginning of doing it all over again.  You know what I mean.  Now, the next holiday is Valentine's Day, instead of Christmas.  That's it.  No more.  No less.  Now, of course, I don't have to DO as much for Valentine's Day as I have to do for Christmas, but the premise is the same.  Keep up with the Jones' in Perfect.  What are "they" doing for the "holiday"?  What fantastic place are "they" jetting off to?  Buy a bunch of crap that no one wants or needs but ABSOLUTELY has to have.  Same shit.  Different day.

But this. . .THIS January did mark something "new" for me.  This New Year's Day started the sixty day count down to the big four-oh.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen I will be turning forty in fifty-three short days.  That's got me thinking. . . .not the "new year".  Not the hustle and bustle of the "over done" holiday season, but this impending date on the calendar.  I'm not afraid to turn forty.  Quite the contrary, I'm running to it.  I'm excited by it.  I. can't. wait.  No, no. . .you don't need to call the men with that funny jacket to come take me away, I'm quite lucid.  I'm just. . .really. . . .ready.

I'm ready to feel more like myself.  Which is what I've been doing, without really knowing it, for the last few years.  I've been removing things from my life that don't suit me.  Simplifying.  Creating better friendships.  Stronger.  More real.  Focusing on what I want to do with my life, when I grow up.  Let's face it, I'm as grown up as I'm ever gonna be, at this point.  Trying to utilize my energy towards being better.  Being a better wife, mother, friend, sister, cousin, niece.  Seeing that my life was already full and glorious and meaningful and hard and fantastic and troubling and beautiful and boring and, you get the idea.  I really have started to see it.  I mean REALLY see it.  As in, I was blind, but now I see, kinda see it.  For the first time.

I've embraced my life.  I've come to accept those things which I can not change and hell, I've even changed of few them anyway!  TAKE THAT!!!  But, perhaps more surprising than that has been the flip side of that coin.  I've moved on.  Shocking, I know.  Believe me. . .no one is more surprised than me.  No one likes to "cling" to shit more than me.  But, alas. . . .I've let it go.  Not all of "it", of course.  Some things that I never thought I would be able to stop hurting about have just disappeared, as if by magic.

How did I do it?  You might ask.  Here's the long and the short of it.  I didn't do a thing.  Not. one. thing.  It's true people.  The only way out is ------ through.  You HAVE to go through it.  Every bit of it.  Every ugly, painful, stinky part of "it".  Whatever "it" is for you.  I felt it all.  I wallowed in the agony of it.  I bathed in the stink of it.  I swallowed the brine and allowed it to nauseate me, every. single. day.  I lived and breathed it.  Day in.  Day out.  Then, without me even noticing, I just. . . .didn't anymore.

One of my favorite sayings is "When someone shows you who they are.  Believe them."  I've been living by that for the last couple of years and it has helped me immensely.  One of my NEW favorite sayings is "You've gotta let go of what hurts, to make room for what feels good.".  Oh yeah. . .let it wash over you, people.  Breathe THAT in.  Drink THAT down.  Taste THAT!  (It's good, right????)    Now. Hold on to yourself. . . .when you combine the two, you're UNSTOPPABLE!  I've started to see folks for who they are and IF they choose to hurt me over and over again, I remove them from my life to make room for those folks who love me and make me feel good.  Plain and simple, y'all.

So, over the holiday's I had a few occasions to put this to use.  I did it, every single time.  I don't know where the inner strength came from honestly.  Was it that voice in the back of my head saying "Girl!  You're going to be forty fucking years old in a few months.  Grow up already!"?  Perhaps.  Was it something in me that just 'snapped' and no longer allows people to just shit on me without consequence? Maybe.  Who cares?  Not me.

(Smelling salts administered)  Are you back with me?  I know.  I know. . .who the hell am I and what have I done with "The Perfect Wife"?  I have no idea.  Maybe, I'll start a new blog called "The REAL Wife"!   Or maybe "Real Life".  Who knows.  All I know is that, if you've wronged me, fear not.  I don't hate you.  I feel sorry for you.  Because I'm a really nice person.  I'm an amazing friend.  I'm a great sister.  Pretty damn good wife.  A "work in progress" Mom.  If I loved you and you let me go.  It's YOUR loss.  Because there are few people on this planet that love as deeply, truly, unconditionally as I do.  I would have loved you forever, if you would have let me.  Alas, I love myself, now.  I'm real.  I'm valuable.  I'm flawed.  I'm a grown up.  I don't have time to fuck with you.  Moving on.  Growing up.  Letting it go.  Seeing who you are.  Believing you.  Holding on to what feels good, not what hurts.

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!