In twelve short days, I'll no longer be your wife. Yes, you've left our home many days ago. . . nearly a year's worth of days, actually, but still. In twelve days, my life will be different. I will no longer be able to say that I'm "your wife". There will be no question, during conversation, as to how to qualify you. You will be my EX-husband and I your EX-wife. What does that even mean? Does it mean that we stop loving each other? Does it mean that we never DID love each other? Does it mean that all of the caring, loving, hurting, crying, sharing, building, creating, worrying, fretting, celebrating, enjoying didn't matter? Does it mean that we wasted twenty two years of our lives with the "wrong person"? How is one supposed to be able to survive such a drastic change? How will I breathe deeply ever again? How will I ever relax again? How will I ever allow someone in again?
In twelve short days, everything changes. I will be single. SINGLE. Legally. . . S.I.N.G.L.E. I will be solitary. Individual. Separate. Cleaved. Changed.
In twelve short days, my identity changes. Forever. I don't even know how to start to find "me". I've spent twenty two years loving you. I spent twenty two years focusing on you. In all of that time, I gave little to no thought to "me". Now, suddenly the world expects me to just "figure it out" and "do what I want to do". But, how can that happen when I've spent so much time NOT thinking of myself? How do you just wake up one day and start to be selfish? How am I supposed to just stop thinking about you? Worrying about you? Loving you? Caring about you? Who am I without YOU? My identity has been so closely tied to you that I don't really have one OUTSIDE of you or the idea of "you and I".
In twelve short days, I'll be free to love again. You'll be free to do the same. But, how? When? Where? Will I EVER be open again? How will I take the broken pieces of my tiny, fragile heart and glue them back together enough to even allow anyone else to look at it, much less, touch it or hold it? Love ME??? No way. That's terrifying! What worse? Knowing that someone else will love you. Hold you. Comfort you. I don't want you to be unhappy or unloved, so these are things that I truly wish for you but I'd be lying if I said that a little part of me didn't die every time I think of someone else being "your wife".
So, in twelve short days, our divorce will be final. It appears, however, that nothing else is quite so clear cut for me. The papers have all been filed. What's done is done. There's no stopping it all know. But, tell that to my heart. Tell it to stop aching. Tell my eyes to stop crying. Tell my brain to stop thinking of the millions of things I did wrong; that drove you away. Tell my body to stop longing for your touch. Or my ears from wanting to hear you say "I love you", just one more time.
Take a deep breath, in twelve short days, it'll be just another day in Perfect. . . . .
In twelve short days, everything changes. I will be single. SINGLE. Legally. . . S.I.N.G.L.E. I will be solitary. Individual. Separate. Cleaved. Changed.
In twelve short days, my identity changes. Forever. I don't even know how to start to find "me". I've spent twenty two years loving you. I spent twenty two years focusing on you. In all of that time, I gave little to no thought to "me". Now, suddenly the world expects me to just "figure it out" and "do what I want to do". But, how can that happen when I've spent so much time NOT thinking of myself? How do you just wake up one day and start to be selfish? How am I supposed to just stop thinking about you? Worrying about you? Loving you? Caring about you? Who am I without YOU? My identity has been so closely tied to you that I don't really have one OUTSIDE of you or the idea of "you and I".
In twelve short days, I'll be free to love again. You'll be free to do the same. But, how? When? Where? Will I EVER be open again? How will I take the broken pieces of my tiny, fragile heart and glue them back together enough to even allow anyone else to look at it, much less, touch it or hold it? Love ME??? No way. That's terrifying! What worse? Knowing that someone else will love you. Hold you. Comfort you. I don't want you to be unhappy or unloved, so these are things that I truly wish for you but I'd be lying if I said that a little part of me didn't die every time I think of someone else being "your wife".
So, in twelve short days, our divorce will be final. It appears, however, that nothing else is quite so clear cut for me. The papers have all been filed. What's done is done. There's no stopping it all know. But, tell that to my heart. Tell it to stop aching. Tell my eyes to stop crying. Tell my brain to stop thinking of the millions of things I did wrong; that drove you away. Tell my body to stop longing for your touch. Or my ears from wanting to hear you say "I love you", just one more time.
Take a deep breath, in twelve short days, it'll be just another day in Perfect. . . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment