Letter To My "Baby Girl" on Her Thirteenth Birthday

Wow.  Here I sit at yet another crossroads in my life.  Here I sit watching you grow, evolve, change, blossom. . . .mature.  I must admit, I'm proud.  I'm joyful.  I'm sad. . . . .and I'm scared.  I'm afraid of what the future holds for you.  I'm fearful that you're going to lose that sweet, innocence that makes you so completely YOU!  I'm anxious about what the world would turn you into and what it will take away from you.  But, I'm excited, too.  Deeply, profoundly excited.

I'm excited to see you become the best you you can.  I'm so very grateful for the honor I've been given, in being allowed to mother you, nurture you, learn from you, hold your sweet, tiny hand and touch your golden, pure heart.  I want you to guard that heart.  Protect it from harm.  You, my darling, are a giver.  A natural healer.  A sweet, sweet, tender spirit in a world filled with hatred, rage and darkness.  You, my sweet daughter are all that is good and kind and LIGHT in the world.  You are.  I know that as life carries you forward you will use this "gift of light" in some wonderful way.  I know that you're going to "love on" something fiercely; whether that be animals or humans remains to be seen, but I KNOW, in my soul, that you're not complete unless you're sharing your light!  With that, though, please don't give your "light" away.  Don't just entrust it to "any-old-person".  Especially, when "love" is involved.  Make that person, EARN your love.  Make sure that their love is as pure, deep and honest as yours is.  I wish that there was some way that I could accompany you through every day of your life to "protect you" from harm.  Hurt.  Sorrow.  A way for me to stand vigil over your tender, fragile heart.  Alas, I cannot and you wouldn't be able to live a full life, if I did so. Knowing that I'll have to "turn you loose" into this cold hard world sooner than I'd like, breaks my heart.

But, you've got a strength in you, I've never had.  

You possess a fire that burns deep within your soul.  An inner core that keeps you level, grounded and whole.  I wish nothing more than for THIS gift to continue on in your daily life.  Stand up for what you know is right.  Never back down from a fight, when it's the RIGHT FIGHT!  Never stop standing up for those without a voice or for someone being bullied.  I'm often humbled by your internal fortitude and your ability to see the beauty and value in all things and your willingness to stand up for what you believe in.   Your strength is overwhelming to me at times!  I find that I'm learning FROM you, more than I could ever TEACH you.   Yours is a very old soul and I cherish the time I've gotten to be in your presence.  Stand tall and be proud of yourself!  But, know that I'm proud of you, too.

Your wisdom is self evident in every aspect of your life.  Your quiet thoughtfulness reminds me that, at times, silence IS GOLDEN!  Your shy way is both disarming and charming.  Knowing when to "shut up" and "walk away" is a gift that most adults don't have, let alone a thirteen year old!  I know that you'll do well as you grow and mature into the "who" you're going to be.  Don't let the world tell you that being 'quiet and shy' is a bad thing.  Don't ever stop being that sweet, quiet girl who you are today.
But, let's not "leave the nest" too soon.  I still have a few things I'd like to teach you.  Show you.  Instill into you.  I want you to know how much you're loved.  I would like you to know that this home will be YOUR home, for the rest of your life.  I want you to feel so profoundly safe here, that you never question whether or not to share a secret with me, or open your "closet" and let those skeletons fly.  I want you to realize. . . .THIS IS YOUR SOFT PLACE TO FALL!  I will never expect perfection out of you.  I will never punish you for "failing" when you've tried something new and it just "wasn't quite your thing".  I want you to know that, although, I might WANT to be with you every moment, I cannot.  I want you to know that you're going to be okay without me.  You're going to be MORE OKAY WITHOUT ME than I'll ever be without you!  You are, in fact, a large part of my heart --  outside of my body. . . .outside walking around, looking beautiful and inquisitive and fresh and exuberant; but a part of my heart, no less.  I need you to know that I'm doing my best.  Being your Mommy hasn't always been easy.  Life does not, in fact, come with an instruction booklet and I've made thousands of mistakes with you.  There have been times that I've been too hard on you.  Times when I was "too busy" to listen to you properly.  Please forgive me for failing you.  Please forgive my short comings.  My moments of exhaustion and frustration that have taken a toll on you.  Please forgive me for not hearing your sweet, timid voice amidst all the turmoil of the world and for not always being there for you when you needed me.  Please know that I've loved you since before I was even pregnant with you and that I dreamed of you before you born.  You were wanted and loved and cherished as a huge part of my life, before you WERE a huge part of my life.

So, we've embarked on the "last leg" of our journey towards adulthood.  We've started off for the "beginning of the end", as they say. . . . . but I hope that even as you walk your path towards being an adult, you realize that no matter what. . . . . .I'll always be your Mommy and I'll cherish the moments we've spent together -----  learning how to be a better Mommy and a better person.  A better human being.  If nothing else 'sticks with you', I want you to know this. . . . . .YOU. ARE. LOVED!!!!

As "my baby", I'm clinging to you more than is probably necessary (okay. . .probably more than is healthy!!) but know that it's out of a genuine spot inside my spirit that doesn't want to 'stop being your Mommy'.  I don't want to stop being the one that you look to for advice, for comfort, for support.  I don't want to let go of your sweet, tiny hand.  So, it's with much trepidation, fear, pride, honor, anxiety, humbleness, tenderness, strength and love that I will, some day, release you into this world.  To watch you become truly, completely, deeply, strongly. . . . .YOU!


Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!  

What My Weight Loss Has REALLY Taught Me. . . . .People SUCK!!!

I know, I know, it's been a really long time since I've posted anything.  Shame on me.  Really.  Truly.  I feel ashamed.  It isn't that I haven't had shit happen to me that was worth writing about; quite the contrary.  My entire life has changed.  Why, you may ask, has my entire life changed?  Because I've lost 85 lbs.  Yes, you read that right EIGHTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!!  Yay, right?  Rah-rah "Perfect Housewife"!  Good for me!  Yeah, yeah. . .blah, blah, fucking blah!

Is it an accomplishment?  Hell yes, it's an accomplishment.  Was it hard?  You bet your life it was hard.  Am I proud of myself?  Ummmm. . . .sometimes.  And sometimes, I feel lost.  I feel disappointed with people.  I feel scared.  Scared of gaining the weight back.  Scared of not losing anymore.  Scared of who I am now.  Scared of who I want to be now.   And, quite honestly, I'm fascinated by the differences in OTHER people, more than differences in myself.

For example, when I was "fat", (honestly, I was medically OBESE, yes that God forsaken UGLY, UGLY, HORRIBLE WORD that we all HATE and are terrified of. . .I was THAT word) I was invisible.  People didn't hold the door open for me.  People didn't ask me how I was when I walked into a store;  a grocery store, a big box store and certainly NOT a clothing store.  No, I got ignored.  Or worse, I got stared at.  As in, "Why in the world is SHE here?  She can't fit into ANYTHING we carry here?  Maybe she's buying a gift." type of stared at.  God forbid, when I went to a buffet type of restaurant.  I could almost hear the owner sighing and see the employees cringing.  "Oh boy, here comes a big one!" they'd think or worse, say, to each other as I walked by.  The funny thing is, when you're obese you WANT to be invisible.  You WANT to be the "un-seen".  You WANT to pretend that you're NOT where ever you ARE.  You are the girl who "holds everyone's purse" while they're trying on clothes that you couldn't possibly DREAM of fitting into.  And you're "perfectly okay" with that, right?  You're just as happy to sit there and comment on each and every "cute outfit" that ALL of your friends try on, right?  And you certainly don't want to go to the "fat lady store" (my mother's words there. . .she was always heavy and that's where she bought HER clothes).  I'd rather run over my own tongue with a bulldozer than go to the "fat lady story" with my "skinny friends'.  Yeah, being invisible is the BEST outcome an obese person could hope for, right?

Wrong!!!!

News flash folks. . .fat people have feelings, too.  I'd have loved for someone to open a door for me.  I'd have loved to be seen.  But, seen as a whole, beautiful, smart, dynamic, purposeful, intentional, loving, DESERVING person. . .not "a fat person".  I would have loved to feel welcomed into any clothing store . . . .other than the "fat lady store".  But, I wasn't.  I was invisible.  I was hurt.  I was lonely.  I was isolated.  I was ignored.  I was belittled.  I was treated like, not only a second class citizen, but worse, I was treated like a monster.  An anomaly.  A freak.  I was told by countless folks, unsolicited mind you, how I could "shed a few pounds" or how "I had such a pretty face".  The rest of that sentence was always an unspoken, "now if you could just do something about the REST of you", you know MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY!!  People who were (allegedly) my friends would tell me things like, "Now, I don't think you're fat, but I know that you do, so why don't you try this new supplement?"  Really?  What. The. Fuck?  Is there a pill that I could give you to cure your bitchiness?  NO?  Wow. . .I should look into formulating that shit!  Wait. . .sorry, I got off track there.  At any rate, when you're fat, overweight, obese, you pick your word, you are treated badly.  At best, "differently".

So, what do I do?  I lose a shit load of weight.  I mean, I'm talking, like I've lost a "ten year old's entire body" amount of weight.  What do I expect?  I expect for folks to treat me differently.  After all, I AM different.  I realize that.  I'm not stupid.  But, I think, perhaps, I WAS naive.  See, it's been a "minute" since I've been thin(ner).  I was still holding on to that "baby weight" from back in the day.  Okay, okay, my babies are sixteen and (nearly) thirteen, but still. . .it WAS BABY WEIGHT Y'ALL!!!  Anyway, I haven't been this small since I was in my twenties.  I'm proud to say that I just celebrated my forty second birthday.  So, yeah. . .it's been a MINUTE!  However, I wasn't prepared for what actually happened to me.

Do folks open the door for me now?  Sure.  Most of them.  ALL men.  SOME women.  Hm?  Okay, I'll notice that and let it go, right?  Do folks greet me in the stores now?  Yes.  ALL men.  SOME women.  Okay. . . . .Do people stare at me when I eat now?  Ummm. . . .sometimes.  But it FEELS different now.  It feels less like judgement and somewhat more like, "Huh?  What DOES she eat?"  Subtle difference, but different it is.  Do I get attention paid to me when I enter a clothing store now?  You bet.  NOW, they want my money.  NOW, they can't wait to "dress me", shove shit on me and hope and pray that I buy their crap.  What?  A fat girl's money doesn't spend right for you or something?

Do my female friends treat me differently?  Ummm. . ..YEAH!  (Not all of you. . .those of you who know who you are, know who you are.  Wink, wink.  And, YES, I'm thankful for YOU!)  But, overall, EVERYONE treats me differently.  Not in a GOOD way, like I thought.  Like I had hoped.  Like I had planned on.  Do males treat me differently?  Can I get a huge, resounding, FUCK YES?!?!?  I'm so annoyed by this, I can't begin to describe it to you.  Men, that I've known for YEARS, YEARS AND YEARS in some cases, who didn't give me the time of day two years ago, are now falling all over themselves trying to get into my pants?  EXCUSE ME???  Did I suddenly lose my wedding vows and ring during my weight loss?  NO!  Did I suddenly become a whore, because I'm thinner?  NO!  Why on EARTH, do you think it's okay to ask me to sleep with you?  Are you kidding me, right now?  NO!!  I wish that I were!  It's no joke.  It's the truth.

Now, don't get me wrong, on some levels and with some folks, it's flattering and not "over the top" uncomfortable, that they find me attractive.  I mean, after all, isn't that WHY we all want to look our best?  Don't we WANT people to find us attractive?  Beautiful?  "HOT"?  I say, we do and for everyone who says "No, we don't!", don't fool yourself.  You, too, want to be found attractive.  It's our cultural "default setting".  I, too, have that default setting.  Although, it was long buried under all that FAT!  I, too, want to be seen as beautiful, desirable, attractive, fit, pretty and ATTRACTIVE.  (Which, by definition means. . .you'll ATTRACT people, attention, etc.)  So, yes, I see the irony there.  I see that I "got what I wanted".

But, I also lost friends.  I've also upset the delicate balance of my "universe".  I am no longer the designated "purse holder", token fat friend, girl with the "pretty face" who HAS to be funny and make jokes at her own expense, just to break the "fat tension" in the room!  I'm no longer the "trust worthy" friend who you can leave "your man" alone in a room with.  (Now THIS ONE really upsets me, because YES. I. AM!!  I would NEVER touch YOUR man, or anyone else's man!!)  I'm no longer the friend who you can complain about your weight to.  (Huh?)  I'm no longer the friend that you can invite over for dinner, because what I eat is "too weird, too low fat, too low calorie" to mess with.  I no longer remember what it feels like to BE fat, so I certainly can't commiserate with you about being overweight.  (Are you joking me, right now?)  And, I certainly must not have any more problems, because I'm thin now.  (Shut the front door.  Are you crazy?)

So. . .what did I learn about myself, the world and people in general over my weight loss journey?  I know that I'm not supposed to say this and that's it's not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE, but really. . . .I learned that PEOPLE SUCK!  I learned that, no matter what I weigh or don't weigh, people will find some reason to dislike, distrust, disrespect and distance themselves from me; from each other; from love.  Have I change because I lost weight?  Of course.  ON THE OUTSIDE!  But, my insides are the same.  I'm still sweet.  I'm still funny.  I'm still self deprecating.  I'm still insecure.  I'm still genuine.  I'm still honest.  I'm still YOUR FRIEND!  I'm still trustworthy.  I'm.  Still.  Me!!!  So, shame on YOU, too.  Shame on you for looking at fat people and thinking they're LESS worthy of love than you.  Shame on you for looking at a thin person and thinking they're LESS worthy of trust or kindess than you.  Until you've walked in my obese shoes, you won't know what THAT feels like.  Until, I walked in my "average weight" shoes, as a married woman in her forties, for the first time, I didn't know what THAT felt like.  Some days. . . .I wish that I could just walk.  Just walk my path, with my head held high and not worry, think or care what everyone else was thinking about me.  Until then. . . .


Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!