You have those friends and/or family, right? Those people who NEVER seem to have anything bad happen to them. The ones who actually get money sent to them in the mail FROM the insurance company and when they call them, the insurance company says "Well, we don't know why it's yours, but it's yours. Enjoy!" Hm. Let me think? Um, yeah...no. That shit never happens to me. I'm the one who gets double and triple billed for the same item and when I complain, I get told "Oh sorry. No refunds." WHAT!!
These same people are the people who can lie and cheat and steal and still get ahead. These people are the ones that other people say things about like "Oh she'll get hers one day." and "What goes around comes around!" Funny thing though.....it doesn't. I've never seen anything bad happen to these people. No, they're the ones who get new, high paying jobs in the middle of the worst economy in decades. These people have more friends than you can shake a stick at. These people seem to have everyone BEGGING to be a part of their lives. They're magnets.
Magnets for goodness and prosperity. Magnets for fun and friends. Magnets for happiness and "the good life". Why? Why is it that good, kind hearted people always seem to be the ones that get shit on? How is it that these "flawless" people never get caught in their lies? Why is it so hard for the rest of us, flawed people, to even imagine that the "flawless" one could be, well, flawed? Is it more them or us? Do we WANT there to be "perfect" people in Perfect? Is it comforting us in some sick twisted way? Do we find it something to strive for? Perhaps.
I, however, have learned that these "flawless" people, tend to be cold hearted and fake. I've seen them lie to their "best friends" and never even feel guilty about it. I've seen them be so good at lying that, even when they do get "caught" they simply talk their way out of it. If there's one thing that they ARE truly flawless at, it's getting away with murder. They simply replace you with a new friend once you've caught onto their back stabbing lying ways. I've even gone so far as to try to help other people that got sucked into the flawless abyss and help them see the flaw behind the facade. No go. These flawless people shine so brightly and therefore, they blind those around them. I, myself, was blinded by that light. I learned the hard way, that that light, was simply a distraction. A way to keep anyone from looking too closely to the "flawless one". It's almost painful to watch, to see someone else walk down the same road you've walked down. Waiting. Waiting for the pain to hit them, too.
So. Where do we stand then? Hm. Good question. Several people will read this and assume that I'm jealous of said "flawless" people. They'd be dead ass wrong, of course, but they're going to think that nonetheless. Still others will not have any idea what I'm referring to. Now, these folks could be in a couple of categories, 1) they've never had the "honor" of meeting a "flawless" person or 2) they are one. You see, I've also noticed that these jewels don't seem to notice themselves. They aren't very self aware, you see. They're very "self full", not selfISH (that's for you, my friend. You know who you are!!) They tend to run around with their nose so far in the air, they just don't see those little people like us, that they're crushing under their flawless feet! I have noticed that once I removed myself from the constant "crushing", I rebounded. I bloomed. I flourished, even. I grew into my own. I felt my self worth, for the first time in years. I didn't feel small or bad or dumb or fat (okay, well....I always feel fat, but that's another story) I didn't feel AS fat. I felt whole. I felt good enough. No...actually I felt pretty damn good.
I know that I'm not flawless. I don't want to be. I never will be. I'm glad for that. Blissfully glad. I've surrounded myself with some pretty amazing people. Amazingly damaged people. Amazingly honest people. Amazingly complex, deep, self aware, patient, noble, honorable, caring, sensitive people. They make me feel loved. I make them feel loved. I cherish every flaw they have. I honor it. I appreciate it. I'm THANKFUL for it. It makes them real. It makes them genuine. It makes them.....my friends.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Stupid Things That People Say.......
Okay, here we go again.....why, oh why, do we, as people, say such stupid ass things sometimes? Example number one: Time heals all wounds. Um, yeah. Not!!! Time doesn't heal anything. What DOES happen is, life takes over. Let's be honest. When something painful happens, you grieve. You mourn the loss. Then, as the days or weeks or months or years roll by, you still have to get up every day, feed yourself and your family, clean the house, go to work, do the laundry, go to kids activities, make plans, go to the store, plan birthday parties, etc. The list is endless. Our limited brains only allow for "so much" at once. It is impossible to dwell on the pain every second of every day for, well, forever. Truthfully, our brains just "get bored" with the subject at some point and that, simply put, allows us to "move on". I know, for a fact, that when I speak of the loss of my grandfather I still hurt. I still cry. I still miss him. I ache for him. Long for his touch or voice. I can still feel the pain, just as strongly, as if he just died. He died when I was seven years old. Time has NOT healed this wound.
Stupid saying number two: God never gives us anymore than we can handle. Dumb, dumb, dumb thing to say. I don't know about you, but, there have been many, many times in my life where I couldn't handle all that was "given" to me. I had to ask for help. I had to find support systems. Sometimes, I simply just "didn't" handle it. I fell apart. I lost it. Or, I forgot to do several things during this time of "urgency". I had to triage my life and somethings just fell by the way side. Gasp. Now, some of you will say that "it wasn't TOO much then, because you lived to tell the tale." This begs the question of suicide then. I'm in no way advocating taking ones own life. I'm simply suggesting that, maybe, for them, it WAS TOO MUCH. I doubt that anyone killed themselves because life was just too damn easy. So, it begs the question---did God give them more than they could handle?
Another comment that makes me nuts is this one: You look tired. Now, I know, I've been guilty of saying this one, myself. Let's be honest though.....aren't you really saying, "You look like shit!". Perhaps. At best you're saying, "You look bad." Why do we say this to another person? Now, if you know me and you know that I'm not sleeping well, or that I've been ill or that I'm under a great deal of stress, then it's "acceptable". I'm saying that it makes me nuts when I hear someone say it to someone that they barely know. Again, I've been guilty of this. I immediately regret saying it. I know that what the person I just said it to heard was: "You look like shit. Can you pass the sugar?" WHAT?? It's a casual thing to say, I'll give you that. Dumb, nonetheless.
I also can't stand it when people say that something horrible was "God's will". Oh, this one chaps me, badly!! I know that it's supposed to be comforting, but, if I just lost a loved one and you tell me that that was God's will; I pretty much want to punch you in the face. Why can't we, instead, say...."Wow, that's horrible. I know that you must be hurting right now. What can I do to help you through this?" Don't tell me that my loved one is "in a better place". Yeah, that one kills me, too. I'm a selfish person when it comes to this. I want my grandfather back. I don't care that it was "God's will" to take him away from me. All that does is make me want to have some strong words with God.
I would also like to know why people ask you how you are, when they really don't care. I mean, why is it that our society has decided to make THAT our greeting. "Oh, hello. How are you Sally?" You don't care. If Sally were to answer you honestly and tell you what's happening in her life, you'd crucify her. You'd make fun of her. You might even remind yourself the next time that you saw Sally to NEVER ASK HER HOW SHE IS AGAIN. Well, I beg of you....why the hell did you ask then?
People often speak before they think. It's true. It's sad, but, true. We say things that other people have said to us. They said them, because someone said them to them before. And so on. I just wish that there was some way to stop all the stupidity. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Be genuine. Be kind. Be honest. Be forgiving. Be sensitive. Otherwise----just be quiet!!!!
Take a deep breath------it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Stupid saying number two: God never gives us anymore than we can handle. Dumb, dumb, dumb thing to say. I don't know about you, but, there have been many, many times in my life where I couldn't handle all that was "given" to me. I had to ask for help. I had to find support systems. Sometimes, I simply just "didn't" handle it. I fell apart. I lost it. Or, I forgot to do several things during this time of "urgency". I had to triage my life and somethings just fell by the way side. Gasp. Now, some of you will say that "it wasn't TOO much then, because you lived to tell the tale." This begs the question of suicide then. I'm in no way advocating taking ones own life. I'm simply suggesting that, maybe, for them, it WAS TOO MUCH. I doubt that anyone killed themselves because life was just too damn easy. So, it begs the question---did God give them more than they could handle?
Another comment that makes me nuts is this one: You look tired. Now, I know, I've been guilty of saying this one, myself. Let's be honest though.....aren't you really saying, "You look like shit!". Perhaps. At best you're saying, "You look bad." Why do we say this to another person? Now, if you know me and you know that I'm not sleeping well, or that I've been ill or that I'm under a great deal of stress, then it's "acceptable". I'm saying that it makes me nuts when I hear someone say it to someone that they barely know. Again, I've been guilty of this. I immediately regret saying it. I know that what the person I just said it to heard was: "You look like shit. Can you pass the sugar?" WHAT?? It's a casual thing to say, I'll give you that. Dumb, nonetheless.
I also can't stand it when people say that something horrible was "God's will". Oh, this one chaps me, badly!! I know that it's supposed to be comforting, but, if I just lost a loved one and you tell me that that was God's will; I pretty much want to punch you in the face. Why can't we, instead, say...."Wow, that's horrible. I know that you must be hurting right now. What can I do to help you through this?" Don't tell me that my loved one is "in a better place". Yeah, that one kills me, too. I'm a selfish person when it comes to this. I want my grandfather back. I don't care that it was "God's will" to take him away from me. All that does is make me want to have some strong words with God.
I would also like to know why people ask you how you are, when they really don't care. I mean, why is it that our society has decided to make THAT our greeting. "Oh, hello. How are you Sally?" You don't care. If Sally were to answer you honestly and tell you what's happening in her life, you'd crucify her. You'd make fun of her. You might even remind yourself the next time that you saw Sally to NEVER ASK HER HOW SHE IS AGAIN. Well, I beg of you....why the hell did you ask then?
People often speak before they think. It's true. It's sad, but, true. We say things that other people have said to us. They said them, because someone said them to them before. And so on. I just wish that there was some way to stop all the stupidity. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Be genuine. Be kind. Be honest. Be forgiving. Be sensitive. Otherwise----just be quiet!!!!
Take a deep breath------it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
How Can People Be So Wrong, Sometimes?
I question my sanity at times. I also question other peoples sanity. The latter more often than for former. I wonder how two people can experience the same things, yet end up with two totally different perspectives. Now, I know that I've written about this before, but, it's just such an interesting topic. It shows itself in so many various ways that I feel compelled to revisit it.
How, for instance, can two people be in a relationship and only one of them seems to know that it's over? How can you both look at each other and not just "see" it? Can't you just "feel it", when the other person's not all there? Clearly, the answer is no. People are constantly shocked when their relationship ends. But, you know as well as I do that SOMEBODY knew it was over. Somebody saw it coming. Somebody felt the joy leaving. Felt the sorrow creeping in. Felt the love fading away. So what, I ask you, does that other person feel? Notice? See? It's so perplexing to me. I'm not sure how, exactly, people can be so damn clueless, and maybe more over, how they can be so UN-present in their own life? How do you keep on walking around with this person thinking that life's great? I mean....people usually give off signs. We're not that good at hiding our real feelings people. Come on. You just need to open your damn eyes and LOOK. I mean, really...really....really look at the person you love. Are they acting differently? Are they begging you for more time? More attention? More compassion? More----something----anything? Are you hearing them? Are you listening? Are you noticing that they just want to know that you're still in there and that you still love and see them? Or are you taking that request for MORE as an insult? Are you seeing it as a way of being told that you're not "enough"? Not doing enough. Not giving enough. Well, you might be right. That MIGHT be what the root of it is. Maybe you're NOT giving enough of yourself away. Maybe you're not really listening or hearing or seeing them. Or maybe, just maybe, you were never meant to be together at all and you're just trying to force two things to coexist that never will.
There are just some things in nature that react badly to each other. It's no one's fault. You can't blame the gasoline for kicking into high gear when the match is lit, can you? Or are you blaming the match for doing it's job by getting all "fiery"? Who's the one to blame there? Well, you could round and round and never really have the answer, right? Yet, we as people, want someone to blame. Someone to "take the fall" and be the bad guy. We want someone to hate, don't we? It's comforting to think that someone must have done something to deserve this, isn't it? Don't we all "take sides"? Even though, that match and that gasoline had no damn business in the same place at the same time, anyway.
It's the same with friendship. Sometimes, people just aren't good together. Oh, we try to force it, don't we? I know I do. I so desperately want to be liked by everyone that I disregard my own inner voice that says, "Um, you know that you're a lit match, right?" Right. "Um, and can you see that she's a big pool of glistening gasoline?" Right. I see no problem here!!! Then, I'm shocked when the explosion takes place. Hey, I never said that I was smart, okay? I just run head long into things, hoping and praying that somewhere, somehow, someway they're going to work themselves out. They rarely do. And who's to blame?
I suppose that that would depend on with whom you speak. I'm sure that the gas would blame the match and vice versa. Hell, maybe even the friends and family of said match would agree with her. I'm sure that the gasoline has some friends and family, too and, gasp, they'd probably take her side. So, again, I ask you.......how can people be so wrong sometimes? I mean, aren't they both lying to themselves if they feel that they had NO part in the explosion? But, aren't they also lying to themselves if they feel like the explosion was ALL they're fault? This can go both ways you know. There are those people out there (I won't mention any names....) that take all the blame on to themselves all the time. Just like those who can't seem to see their own liability in any situation. Again, they're BOTH wrong.
Was it wrong for the match and gasoline to even try to be friends in the first place? Perhaps. The sad truth is, you don't always know that you're gasoline. You're never really sure if you're the match, either. Separately, both are important and (fairly) safe. Gasoline serves a huge purpose in the world. Crucial to many, many people. Without heat, several of us would die each winter. Thus, fire (match) is equally important. Neither one is bad. Neither one meant for the explosion to happen. Ahhh, but, isn't that the rub of it? Put gasoline and spark together and POOF, something BIG'S bound to happen? They just didn't realize what they were working with. The chance that they were taking each and every day, just being together. Alas, they burned each other out. One hurting the other to the point of destruction.
How can people be so wrong, sometimes? How can you not see it? How can you not notice? How can I think it's all your fault and you think it's all mine? Where did it all go wrong? Maybe, it's because we started out as gasoline and a match. Doomed to consume each other and then die out.
Take a deep breath..............it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!
How, for instance, can two people be in a relationship and only one of them seems to know that it's over? How can you both look at each other and not just "see" it? Can't you just "feel it", when the other person's not all there? Clearly, the answer is no. People are constantly shocked when their relationship ends. But, you know as well as I do that SOMEBODY knew it was over. Somebody saw it coming. Somebody felt the joy leaving. Felt the sorrow creeping in. Felt the love fading away. So what, I ask you, does that other person feel? Notice? See? It's so perplexing to me. I'm not sure how, exactly, people can be so damn clueless, and maybe more over, how they can be so UN-present in their own life? How do you keep on walking around with this person thinking that life's great? I mean....people usually give off signs. We're not that good at hiding our real feelings people. Come on. You just need to open your damn eyes and LOOK. I mean, really...really....really look at the person you love. Are they acting differently? Are they begging you for more time? More attention? More compassion? More----something----anything? Are you hearing them? Are you listening? Are you noticing that they just want to know that you're still in there and that you still love and see them? Or are you taking that request for MORE as an insult? Are you seeing it as a way of being told that you're not "enough"? Not doing enough. Not giving enough. Well, you might be right. That MIGHT be what the root of it is. Maybe you're NOT giving enough of yourself away. Maybe you're not really listening or hearing or seeing them. Or maybe, just maybe, you were never meant to be together at all and you're just trying to force two things to coexist that never will.
There are just some things in nature that react badly to each other. It's no one's fault. You can't blame the gasoline for kicking into high gear when the match is lit, can you? Or are you blaming the match for doing it's job by getting all "fiery"? Who's the one to blame there? Well, you could round and round and never really have the answer, right? Yet, we as people, want someone to blame. Someone to "take the fall" and be the bad guy. We want someone to hate, don't we? It's comforting to think that someone must have done something to deserve this, isn't it? Don't we all "take sides"? Even though, that match and that gasoline had no damn business in the same place at the same time, anyway.
It's the same with friendship. Sometimes, people just aren't good together. Oh, we try to force it, don't we? I know I do. I so desperately want to be liked by everyone that I disregard my own inner voice that says, "Um, you know that you're a lit match, right?" Right. "Um, and can you see that she's a big pool of glistening gasoline?" Right. I see no problem here!!! Then, I'm shocked when the explosion takes place. Hey, I never said that I was smart, okay? I just run head long into things, hoping and praying that somewhere, somehow, someway they're going to work themselves out. They rarely do. And who's to blame?
I suppose that that would depend on with whom you speak. I'm sure that the gas would blame the match and vice versa. Hell, maybe even the friends and family of said match would agree with her. I'm sure that the gasoline has some friends and family, too and, gasp, they'd probably take her side. So, again, I ask you.......how can people be so wrong sometimes? I mean, aren't they both lying to themselves if they feel that they had NO part in the explosion? But, aren't they also lying to themselves if they feel like the explosion was ALL they're fault? This can go both ways you know. There are those people out there (I won't mention any names....) that take all the blame on to themselves all the time. Just like those who can't seem to see their own liability in any situation. Again, they're BOTH wrong.
Was it wrong for the match and gasoline to even try to be friends in the first place? Perhaps. The sad truth is, you don't always know that you're gasoline. You're never really sure if you're the match, either. Separately, both are important and (fairly) safe. Gasoline serves a huge purpose in the world. Crucial to many, many people. Without heat, several of us would die each winter. Thus, fire (match) is equally important. Neither one is bad. Neither one meant for the explosion to happen. Ahhh, but, isn't that the rub of it? Put gasoline and spark together and POOF, something BIG'S bound to happen? They just didn't realize what they were working with. The chance that they were taking each and every day, just being together. Alas, they burned each other out. One hurting the other to the point of destruction.
How can people be so wrong, sometimes? How can you not see it? How can you not notice? How can I think it's all your fault and you think it's all mine? Where did it all go wrong? Maybe, it's because we started out as gasoline and a match. Doomed to consume each other and then die out.
Take a deep breath..............it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Life in "Perfect": Holidays and Other Crap I'm Responsible For?!?!?
Life in "Perfect": Holidays and Other Crap I'm Responsible For?!?!?: "So, we all just celebrated Thanksgiving here in America. Great. Wonderful. Fun. Well, it IS all of those things if you're a man!! I'm j..."
Holidays and Other Crap I'm Responsible For?!?!?
So, we all just celebrated Thanksgiving here in America. Great. Wonderful. Fun. Well, it IS all of those things if you're a man!! I'm just wondering why it is that every holiday is MY responsibility? Where, exactly is it written that men don't have to do anything on a holiday but sit around and watch sports on TV and eat and sleep? Huh? I want to see this "law" and petition the government for an amendment!
Let's really think about it for a minute or two, shall we? I get to clean the house from top to bottom to make sure that the "back drop" for our holiday is as pleasant as possible. I get to plan all of the food. I get to shop for all the food. I get to prepare all the food. I get to serve all the food. I get to clean up all the dishes, counters, stove top, oven, microwave, floor, tables and hand wash all the breakable china and crystal. Oh joy. I then get to serve all the desserts that I got to prepare the day BEFORE the holiday because they take so damn long to cook. From scratch, of course. Then, what do I get to do? Oh well, then I get to do all THOSE damn dishes, that's what I get to do. And what may I ask are the men doing during all this? Hm? Why, they're sitting on their asses watching football and bitching because their team sucks. Who's team? Last time I checked we don't get paid a dime from "your team"! I might not bitch quite so much IF we actually HAD A TEAM. You know....something that brought something INTO my home (like, say a few million dollars), instead of taking something AWAY from it (like, say your attention on this special day)?
Now, don't get me wrong, I like to hostess 'events'. My husband will tell you that I like to "feed the world". 'Tis true. I do love to have folks over and eat, drink and be merry. Don't confuse THAT with "loving being the sole provider of all that is wonderful and special in our home". Don't confuse that with my not wanting (even needing) some help. I would really like it, if I didn't have to TELL someone that the trash smells like, well, trash and it ruining the whole "ambiance" that I've worked my ass off for, for the last week! I mean....can't you smell it?
I like the idea that some day my girls will call me and ask me for my super secret brownie recipe or ask me just how, exactly, I always made sure that our turkey was juicy and delicious. I like that I have my timing down perfectly and that everything is served hot and at the same time. I truly am, magical. (And modest.) However, I equally like the idea of, AFTER dinner, someone serving ME the dessert that I already got to make. I also LOVE the idea of, for the day or two AFTER a holiday....someone else making me a cup of coffee, bringing me a piece of toast, helping to make ME feel special and appreciated. Didn't I just complete the Super Bowl of meals, and quite successfully, I might add? Where's my credit people? Where's my "Hey, Mom you just won the Thanksgiving Cooking Bowl. Where are you headed now?" and don't I get to say "The sofa, baby!" Um. No. Apparently, my extraordinary efforts are NOT seen that way.
Then, to add insult to injury, I am then expected to go to bed for merely a few hours and then, quietly awaken at two frickin' a.m. and hop into the shower and run my ass all over town buying gifts for said ungrateful family. I get to freeze to death and then take what little life I have left into my own hands by trying to get the last copy of Toy Story 3 on Blu-Ray in the store . Yeah, bitch, I got it first! RUN!! And what's all this about....oh yeah....the NEXT holiday that I get to do everything for!
This kicks off the wonderful Christmas time RUSH!! You know that magical time of the year in which you try to purchase stuff that everybody else wants and that you really can't afford anyway. That wonderfully special time when you're so overwhelmed and overtired and overstressed that you just want to sleep all the time, but, can't because as soon as you lie down your head starting running through all the stuff that you DIDN'T get accomplished today and HAVE TO do tomorrow. Precious. The most special time when no matter how hard you try, your kids are pissed off at the ONE thing that they didn't get from their mile long list and your husband wants to kill you because you spent how much? Bliss. Then, you have to add on the fact that even though you're desperately trying to NOT gain 20 lbs. this year, you can't stop eating because you have about seven holiday parties go to, over a 2 weekend period. And let's face it....you don't want to offend anyone by NOT eating, right? So, THAT'S fun and not depressing at all. Let's not forget that ONE of those holiday parties is probably yours, so there again we're back to all the things that you get to do in preparation for that!
And again, where's your family when you need someone to help you bring in the 25 bags of groceries that you just bought to feed the army you've invited over to "celebrate the season"? On the sofa. Watching a movie and watching you cram your ass through the door carrying no less than 13 bags at once. Brilliant. Then you get to check the bank balance and try to figure out just exactly how you're going to buy food for the OTHER 30 days this month?!? Relaxing.
Like I said, I just want to know where all this stuff is written down. I want to know why we do this to ourselves? I want to know why the men who say that they love us can't see that we're literally coming apart at the seams? Why can't the whole family realize that I'm such a crazy bitch right now BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED FROM TRYING TO MAKE THIS A WARM, FUZZY, WONDERFUL MEMORY FOR YOU......YOU UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE!! (YES, I'M YELLING. Oh wait...no, I'm not yelling now.) But, then again..........I suppose that if I just didn't do it, it just wouldn't get done. Hm? Interesting. Compelling even. However, I've seen how well the whole "just don't do it" has worked in the past. When I couldn't scrub the base of my husband's shower due to a surgery that I had had, it got cleaned twice. Twice in three months. Yes. You read that right. And yes, I fully expect that you just threw up a little in your mouth. Clearly, I can NOT just NOT do it. (Heavy sigh.)
I suppose that I just have to realize that I'm the one who makes things nice around here. I'm the one who really cares that the holidays are special. I'm the one who WANTS to make things nice and memorable and important. I suppose that if I were really being honest about WHO wrote it down somewhere that I had to do EVERYTHING, it would be my signature at the bottom. I do it to myself. I bring it on myself. And you know what? I'll do the exact same thing next year and every year thereafter!! (But, don't expect me to not bitch about it, some.)
Take a deep breath........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Let's really think about it for a minute or two, shall we? I get to clean the house from top to bottom to make sure that the "back drop" for our holiday is as pleasant as possible. I get to plan all of the food. I get to shop for all the food. I get to prepare all the food. I get to serve all the food. I get to clean up all the dishes, counters, stove top, oven, microwave, floor, tables and hand wash all the breakable china and crystal. Oh joy. I then get to serve all the desserts that I got to prepare the day BEFORE the holiday because they take so damn long to cook. From scratch, of course. Then, what do I get to do? Oh well, then I get to do all THOSE damn dishes, that's what I get to do. And what may I ask are the men doing during all this? Hm? Why, they're sitting on their asses watching football and bitching because their team sucks. Who's team? Last time I checked we don't get paid a dime from "your team"! I might not bitch quite so much IF we actually HAD A TEAM. You know....something that brought something INTO my home (like, say a few million dollars), instead of taking something AWAY from it (like, say your attention on this special day)?
Now, don't get me wrong, I like to hostess 'events'. My husband will tell you that I like to "feed the world". 'Tis true. I do love to have folks over and eat, drink and be merry. Don't confuse THAT with "loving being the sole provider of all that is wonderful and special in our home". Don't confuse that with my not wanting (even needing) some help. I would really like it, if I didn't have to TELL someone that the trash smells like, well, trash and it ruining the whole "ambiance" that I've worked my ass off for, for the last week! I mean....can't you smell it?
I like the idea that some day my girls will call me and ask me for my super secret brownie recipe or ask me just how, exactly, I always made sure that our turkey was juicy and delicious. I like that I have my timing down perfectly and that everything is served hot and at the same time. I truly am, magical. (And modest.) However, I equally like the idea of, AFTER dinner, someone serving ME the dessert that I already got to make. I also LOVE the idea of, for the day or two AFTER a holiday....someone else making me a cup of coffee, bringing me a piece of toast, helping to make ME feel special and appreciated. Didn't I just complete the Super Bowl of meals, and quite successfully, I might add? Where's my credit people? Where's my "Hey, Mom you just won the Thanksgiving Cooking Bowl. Where are you headed now?" and don't I get to say "The sofa, baby!" Um. No. Apparently, my extraordinary efforts are NOT seen that way.
Then, to add insult to injury, I am then expected to go to bed for merely a few hours and then, quietly awaken at two frickin' a.m. and hop into the shower and run my ass all over town buying gifts for said ungrateful family. I get to freeze to death and then take what little life I have left into my own hands by trying to get the last copy of Toy Story 3 on Blu-Ray in the store . Yeah, bitch, I got it first! RUN!! And what's all this about....oh yeah....the NEXT holiday that I get to do everything for!
This kicks off the wonderful Christmas time RUSH!! You know that magical time of the year in which you try to purchase stuff that everybody else wants and that you really can't afford anyway. That wonderfully special time when you're so overwhelmed and overtired and overstressed that you just want to sleep all the time, but, can't because as soon as you lie down your head starting running through all the stuff that you DIDN'T get accomplished today and HAVE TO do tomorrow. Precious. The most special time when no matter how hard you try, your kids are pissed off at the ONE thing that they didn't get from their mile long list and your husband wants to kill you because you spent how much? Bliss. Then, you have to add on the fact that even though you're desperately trying to NOT gain 20 lbs. this year, you can't stop eating because you have about seven holiday parties go to, over a 2 weekend period. And let's face it....you don't want to offend anyone by NOT eating, right? So, THAT'S fun and not depressing at all. Let's not forget that ONE of those holiday parties is probably yours, so there again we're back to all the things that you get to do in preparation for that!
And again, where's your family when you need someone to help you bring in the 25 bags of groceries that you just bought to feed the army you've invited over to "celebrate the season"? On the sofa. Watching a movie and watching you cram your ass through the door carrying no less than 13 bags at once. Brilliant. Then you get to check the bank balance and try to figure out just exactly how you're going to buy food for the OTHER 30 days this month?!? Relaxing.
Like I said, I just want to know where all this stuff is written down. I want to know why we do this to ourselves? I want to know why the men who say that they love us can't see that we're literally coming apart at the seams? Why can't the whole family realize that I'm such a crazy bitch right now BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED FROM TRYING TO MAKE THIS A WARM, FUZZY, WONDERFUL MEMORY FOR YOU......YOU UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE!! (YES, I'M YELLING. Oh wait...no, I'm not yelling now.) But, then again..........I suppose that if I just didn't do it, it just wouldn't get done. Hm? Interesting. Compelling even. However, I've seen how well the whole "just don't do it" has worked in the past. When I couldn't scrub the base of my husband's shower due to a surgery that I had had, it got cleaned twice. Twice in three months. Yes. You read that right. And yes, I fully expect that you just threw up a little in your mouth. Clearly, I can NOT just NOT do it. (Heavy sigh.)
I suppose that I just have to realize that I'm the one who makes things nice around here. I'm the one who really cares that the holidays are special. I'm the one who WANTS to make things nice and memorable and important. I suppose that if I were really being honest about WHO wrote it down somewhere that I had to do EVERYTHING, it would be my signature at the bottom. I do it to myself. I bring it on myself. And you know what? I'll do the exact same thing next year and every year thereafter!! (But, don't expect me to not bitch about it, some.)
Take a deep breath........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Wonders and Joys of GROWING Older....
I'm nearly 40. Not yet, but, very nearly there. I'm looking forward to it. I know that that isn't normally what women say, but, it's true for me. I looked forward to turning 30, as well. Now before you call the luny bin and tell them to come and take me away, let me explain.
I find that the older I get the BETTER I get. The MORE I understand about myself, the world, people and the way that things are, in general. I LOVE being able to look back at my past and say "Yep, I was an idiot then, but, WOW am I SO much smarter now!" L-O-V-E it. I like that the world takes me more seriously now. Let's face it, the only person who thinks that you're the wisest person in the room when your twenty something, is you. The "older, wiser" crowd can actually SEE through your eyes. They can remember making similar mistakes. We know what you don't. You don't know shit. You will also look back one day and realize this embarrassing fact. But, I say--to hell with being embarrassed about it. Live it. Live it out loud. Know what you know (or think you do) when you know it. Be proud of where you are.
I can't even imagine lying about my age. Why would I? I mean, come on.....I'm not exactly HOT for 38, I would be dreadful if I told people that I was only 30. I've heard of other women lying about their age; sticking at one age for a few years. To hell with that. I embrace each birthday with zest. It always brings new discoveries about myself. I can, honestly say that my 38th year has taught me a lot. More than I ever would have expected. Now, for those of you that have actually read my blog the whole way through, you'll know that all of these lessons haven't been pleasant ones. Most of them have been hard. Painful. Hurtful experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). Look at me, though. I survived. Hell, more than that, I blossomed. I learned that I don't need anyone in my life to make me whole. Now, that sounds basic, but, I know, for me, that when I was 20-something, I didn't feel that way. Hell, when I was 37, I didn't REALLY feel that way. I couldn't imagine my life without certain people in it. Furthermore, I did imagine my life WITH those people in it, when I was 80. I could see it. Clear as day. We'd still be doing the same old shit. Hanging out, as grannies. But, it wasn't meant to be. Now, a year ago, I might have told you that that would be impossible. Or that it would destroy me. Now, I know. Neither one of those things were true. It was very possible and look around, I'm still here!!
I also had to stand up for myself in new and challenging ways. Cutting the cord between child and mother isn't always easy. Scratch that. It's ALWAYS hard. No matter who does it. When, why or how permanently. It sucks. Brutally. I had to make the difficult choice of removing my mother and step father from my life. Point blank. It's an incredibly unhealthy relationship. I had to PRETEND to be something I'm not. Now, I was up for that for the first 37 years of my life. For what ever reason, unbeknownst to me even to this day, I just woke up one day and couldn't be a faker anymore. I wrote a long letter, explaining myself and mailed that sucker. Scary as that was, it was also liberating. It was my first step to taking back MY life. MY identity. MY sense of self worth. Even today, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't take it back. I also know, that I would never had the balls to do it, if I were merely 25.
I love that I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I'm fat. Plain and simple. But, you know what.? That's okay. I mean, I would like to be smaller, but, if I'm not......Oh well! I've started to surround myself with people who don't judge me. Who love me, for who I am, right now. They're not constantly trying to change me. Not just my weight but me. The real essence of who I am, is okay with them. They LIKE me. I LIKE them. They LOVE me. I LOVE them. It's all very lovely and warm and safe. Again, I don't think that I was ready for a full blown adult friendship with these women until now. I needed to see how bad, bad really is. I needed to feel what it feels like when people say that they're your friend, but, in fact, are not. I now appreciate these lovely women. I respect them. I can truly be their friend. Openly. Honestly and without fear or anxiety. Two years ago, this was impossible.
I like who I am now. I like that I know for SURE that I still have a long way to go. I like that I not only KNOW that, but, that I truly can't wait to learn whatever this life brings to me. I love all you twenty somethings with all of my heart, but, I wouldn't trade you and go back there, if you paid me. A LOT. I'm secure. And that my friends-------is priceless.
Take a deep breath y'all............it's just another day in Perfect!!!
I find that the older I get the BETTER I get. The MORE I understand about myself, the world, people and the way that things are, in general. I LOVE being able to look back at my past and say "Yep, I was an idiot then, but, WOW am I SO much smarter now!" L-O-V-E it. I like that the world takes me more seriously now. Let's face it, the only person who thinks that you're the wisest person in the room when your twenty something, is you. The "older, wiser" crowd can actually SEE through your eyes. They can remember making similar mistakes. We know what you don't. You don't know shit. You will also look back one day and realize this embarrassing fact. But, I say--to hell with being embarrassed about it. Live it. Live it out loud. Know what you know (or think you do) when you know it. Be proud of where you are.
I can't even imagine lying about my age. Why would I? I mean, come on.....I'm not exactly HOT for 38, I would be dreadful if I told people that I was only 30. I've heard of other women lying about their age; sticking at one age for a few years. To hell with that. I embrace each birthday with zest. It always brings new discoveries about myself. I can, honestly say that my 38th year has taught me a lot. More than I ever would have expected. Now, for those of you that have actually read my blog the whole way through, you'll know that all of these lessons haven't been pleasant ones. Most of them have been hard. Painful. Hurtful experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). Look at me, though. I survived. Hell, more than that, I blossomed. I learned that I don't need anyone in my life to make me whole. Now, that sounds basic, but, I know, for me, that when I was 20-something, I didn't feel that way. Hell, when I was 37, I didn't REALLY feel that way. I couldn't imagine my life without certain people in it. Furthermore, I did imagine my life WITH those people in it, when I was 80. I could see it. Clear as day. We'd still be doing the same old shit. Hanging out, as grannies. But, it wasn't meant to be. Now, a year ago, I might have told you that that would be impossible. Or that it would destroy me. Now, I know. Neither one of those things were true. It was very possible and look around, I'm still here!!
I also had to stand up for myself in new and challenging ways. Cutting the cord between child and mother isn't always easy. Scratch that. It's ALWAYS hard. No matter who does it. When, why or how permanently. It sucks. Brutally. I had to make the difficult choice of removing my mother and step father from my life. Point blank. It's an incredibly unhealthy relationship. I had to PRETEND to be something I'm not. Now, I was up for that for the first 37 years of my life. For what ever reason, unbeknownst to me even to this day, I just woke up one day and couldn't be a faker anymore. I wrote a long letter, explaining myself and mailed that sucker. Scary as that was, it was also liberating. It was my first step to taking back MY life. MY identity. MY sense of self worth. Even today, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't take it back. I also know, that I would never had the balls to do it, if I were merely 25.
I love that I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I'm fat. Plain and simple. But, you know what.? That's okay. I mean, I would like to be smaller, but, if I'm not......Oh well! I've started to surround myself with people who don't judge me. Who love me, for who I am, right now. They're not constantly trying to change me. Not just my weight but me. The real essence of who I am, is okay with them. They LIKE me. I LIKE them. They LOVE me. I LOVE them. It's all very lovely and warm and safe. Again, I don't think that I was ready for a full blown adult friendship with these women until now. I needed to see how bad, bad really is. I needed to feel what it feels like when people say that they're your friend, but, in fact, are not. I now appreciate these lovely women. I respect them. I can truly be their friend. Openly. Honestly and without fear or anxiety. Two years ago, this was impossible.
I like who I am now. I like that I know for SURE that I still have a long way to go. I like that I not only KNOW that, but, that I truly can't wait to learn whatever this life brings to me. I love all you twenty somethings with all of my heart, but, I wouldn't trade you and go back there, if you paid me. A LOT. I'm secure. And that my friends-------is priceless.
Take a deep breath y'all............it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Boy Meets Girl (POEM)
Boy meets girl.
Auras reaching for each other.
Longing. Out stretched warm caresses of truth, naked and bare.
His mate to her soul.
Hearts racing.
Confusion sets in.
He just wants to hold her,
She wishes she could kiss him.
Neither desire realized.
He never meant to break her heart.
She never meant to crumble his resolve.
Accidents due happen.
The pain sets in. Truth, naked and bare.
Agony at the realization they can never be.
Steel resolve to move on, past it, forward. Even at a crawl.
She often looks back, seeing him, not too far behind.
Auras reaching for each other, even now.
They know the truth, naked and bare.
Like an exposed nerve, it doesn't take much to send them reeling in pain.
Sorrow. Inescapable, truth. Naked and bare.
She can't stop hurting him, no matter how hard she tries.
He tries to hurt her, every chance he gets. His protection. His armor.
The loneliness without each other, almost too much to bare.
Cold. Bitter. Alone. Hollow. Abandoned. Weeping inside. Truth, naked and bare.
She cries sometimes, thinking of how it could have been. Never have been.
He jumps from woman to woman. Searching for her stand in.
Both playing the parts they were given. Handed out lines to be read each day.
A play that never ends. Always pretending to be something they're not.
All.....because that boy met that girl.
Auras reaching for each other.
Longing. Out stretched warm caresses of truth, naked and bare.
His mate to her soul.
Hearts racing.
Confusion sets in.
He just wants to hold her,
She wishes she could kiss him.
Neither desire realized.
He never meant to break her heart.
She never meant to crumble his resolve.
Accidents due happen.
The pain sets in. Truth, naked and bare.
Agony at the realization they can never be.
Steel resolve to move on, past it, forward. Even at a crawl.
She often looks back, seeing him, not too far behind.
Auras reaching for each other, even now.
They know the truth, naked and bare.
Like an exposed nerve, it doesn't take much to send them reeling in pain.
Sorrow. Inescapable, truth. Naked and bare.
She can't stop hurting him, no matter how hard she tries.
He tries to hurt her, every chance he gets. His protection. His armor.
The loneliness without each other, almost too much to bare.
Cold. Bitter. Alone. Hollow. Abandoned. Weeping inside. Truth, naked and bare.
She cries sometimes, thinking of how it could have been. Never have been.
He jumps from woman to woman. Searching for her stand in.
Both playing the parts they were given. Handed out lines to be read each day.
A play that never ends. Always pretending to be something they're not.
All.....because that boy met that girl.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Myth Of Unconditional Love
I feel compelled to speak out on a topic that is near and dear to all of our hearts; unconditional love. Furthermore, I'm part of a small group studying the notion that women need unconditional love and that men need unconditional respect. An interesting premiss. However wonderful and enlightening these weekly meetings have been, I can see one huge flaw........us. Humans. We, as a group, are unable to really comprehend the concept of "unconditional".
I mean, let's face it; all of your actions and reactions are conditional. It's difficult to answer questions about yourself when they seem too "black and white". Such as---"Would you say that you're more logical or emotional?" Well, it depends, doesn't it. Are we talking about financially? Are we talking about parenting style? Are we talking about music, painting...the arts? We're all shades of grey. We all feel that circumstances change our reactions. We KNOW this instinctively. Yet, we set ourselves up to fail if we truly EXPECT ourselves to be able to love and/or respect someone unconditionally.
I know what you're thinking........"But, I love my children unconditionally!!". I beg to differ. If you can't think of one thing that your child could possibly do that would change the way you feel about them, then you're not very imaginative. Sorry. It's just true. I speak from experience, that it IS truly possible to stop loving someone whom, in theory, I should have been incapable of stopping my love for. It takes a deep, gaping wound. However, it IS possible.
Now, let's think about our partner. Your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Hm. What could THEY do that would make me lose my love or respect for them? Is that list easier to make? I believe that it is. I believe that these emotions are related to each other and I can see where a man needs MORE respect than love and where a woman needs MORE love than respect. We all need both, of course, this is an oversimplification of a very complex principle. However, the two emotions (yes, I believe that respect is an emotion. Sorry, guys.) are an integral part of every relationship. They are "hand in hand". You can have one without the other, but, things just don't move smoothly. Things are out of balance. But, let's face it. I can think of many, many reasons why my husband could and would stop loving me. I can think of many, many reasons why he'd feel no respect for me. And vice versa.
So, why do we set ourselves up this way? Why do we force ourselves into these situations in which we can't possibly achieve "perfection"? Are we simply striving? Are we hoping that if we push ourselves to attempt to feel something "unconditionally" that maybe....just maybe, we'll REALLY feel it----most of the time? I hope so. I'd like to think that this unattainable goal is more like a holy grail of sorts. I pray that we KNOW that we're never going to feel that way, but, damn it.....I hope I do!!
I can't believe that I'm alone in my knowledge of the fact that all of my feelings are conditional. All of my relationships are conditional. Shouldn't they be? Shouldn't we have limits? Isn't is more healthy to know when to get the hell out of Dodge? If we really, truly loved our spouses with an unconditional zest, wouldn't we stay in unhealthy situations eternally? If I truly respected my husband, even when he hasn't earned that respect, aren't I setting him up to fail? Don't we all need to know when we're behaving badly? Don't we all need a reality check every now and again? Would I be doing him a disservice if I made him think that his behavior is not only acceptable but was his "cheer leader", no matter what? Now, don't get me wrong----I have been awakened to the notion that being overtly disrespectful to my husband is toxic to him. I can see that "bashing" him, publicly (which I've been guilty of---A LOT) is probably the worst thing I could have ever done to him. For that, I am truly, deeply apologetic. But, at what point are we just blowing sunshine up each others ass? At what point does it do more harm than good? I have no answer.
I can say for sure, that my feelings for my friends is conditional. My feelings for my siblings is conditional. My feelings for my parents is conditional. As are their feelings for me. I mean, this goes both ways, people. You have to behave, as well. I have to be accountable for how I treat people. Just because you're my friend, sister, mother, husband doesn't mean that I can (or should) expect you to love me without limit. That's ludicrous. When we reverse it back onto ourselves, it seems "easier" to see that conditions, in fact, not only exist but are ENFORCED each and every day. Who hasn't been abandoned by someone who you thought COULD not possibly leave you? Who hasn't done something, so bad, that the people in your life have had to "send you a packing".....(see my blog on "Consequences"). For whatever reason, I find it an easier concept, when I look back on my own experiences. It's much easier for me to notice all the "flaws" in myself. All the ways in which I've hurt people and thusly, lost their love and respect.
My husband teases me and says that I have a "fairy tale" way of looking at the world; that I want the world to be a "Utopia". He's right. I do. But, even I know.......there is no such thing as "unconditional" anything. Not love. Not respect. Nothing. We, as humans, put conditions on EVERYTHING. So, don't beat yourself up when you hit your limit with a "loved one". Don't give up on them entirely. Give them a chance or two....or a thousand. You'll know when your internal limit has been breached. Limits are good. They're healthy. They're necessary. So, I'm giving up on the notion that anyone will ever love me unconditionally. I'm giving myself permission to love and respect you----CONDITIONALLY. It's just my truth.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in "Perfect"!!!!
I mean, let's face it; all of your actions and reactions are conditional. It's difficult to answer questions about yourself when they seem too "black and white". Such as---"Would you say that you're more logical or emotional?" Well, it depends, doesn't it. Are we talking about financially? Are we talking about parenting style? Are we talking about music, painting...the arts? We're all shades of grey. We all feel that circumstances change our reactions. We KNOW this instinctively. Yet, we set ourselves up to fail if we truly EXPECT ourselves to be able to love and/or respect someone unconditionally.
I know what you're thinking........"But, I love my children unconditionally!!". I beg to differ. If you can't think of one thing that your child could possibly do that would change the way you feel about them, then you're not very imaginative. Sorry. It's just true. I speak from experience, that it IS truly possible to stop loving someone whom, in theory, I should have been incapable of stopping my love for. It takes a deep, gaping wound. However, it IS possible.
Now, let's think about our partner. Your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Hm. What could THEY do that would make me lose my love or respect for them? Is that list easier to make? I believe that it is. I believe that these emotions are related to each other and I can see where a man needs MORE respect than love and where a woman needs MORE love than respect. We all need both, of course, this is an oversimplification of a very complex principle. However, the two emotions (yes, I believe that respect is an emotion. Sorry, guys.) are an integral part of every relationship. They are "hand in hand". You can have one without the other, but, things just don't move smoothly. Things are out of balance. But, let's face it. I can think of many, many reasons why my husband could and would stop loving me. I can think of many, many reasons why he'd feel no respect for me. And vice versa.
So, why do we set ourselves up this way? Why do we force ourselves into these situations in which we can't possibly achieve "perfection"? Are we simply striving? Are we hoping that if we push ourselves to attempt to feel something "unconditionally" that maybe....just maybe, we'll REALLY feel it----most of the time? I hope so. I'd like to think that this unattainable goal is more like a holy grail of sorts. I pray that we KNOW that we're never going to feel that way, but, damn it.....I hope I do!!
I can't believe that I'm alone in my knowledge of the fact that all of my feelings are conditional. All of my relationships are conditional. Shouldn't they be? Shouldn't we have limits? Isn't is more healthy to know when to get the hell out of Dodge? If we really, truly loved our spouses with an unconditional zest, wouldn't we stay in unhealthy situations eternally? If I truly respected my husband, even when he hasn't earned that respect, aren't I setting him up to fail? Don't we all need to know when we're behaving badly? Don't we all need a reality check every now and again? Would I be doing him a disservice if I made him think that his behavior is not only acceptable but was his "cheer leader", no matter what? Now, don't get me wrong----I have been awakened to the notion that being overtly disrespectful to my husband is toxic to him. I can see that "bashing" him, publicly (which I've been guilty of---A LOT) is probably the worst thing I could have ever done to him. For that, I am truly, deeply apologetic. But, at what point are we just blowing sunshine up each others ass? At what point does it do more harm than good? I have no answer.
I can say for sure, that my feelings for my friends is conditional. My feelings for my siblings is conditional. My feelings for my parents is conditional. As are their feelings for me. I mean, this goes both ways, people. You have to behave, as well. I have to be accountable for how I treat people. Just because you're my friend, sister, mother, husband doesn't mean that I can (or should) expect you to love me without limit. That's ludicrous. When we reverse it back onto ourselves, it seems "easier" to see that conditions, in fact, not only exist but are ENFORCED each and every day. Who hasn't been abandoned by someone who you thought COULD not possibly leave you? Who hasn't done something, so bad, that the people in your life have had to "send you a packing".....(see my blog on "Consequences"). For whatever reason, I find it an easier concept, when I look back on my own experiences. It's much easier for me to notice all the "flaws" in myself. All the ways in which I've hurt people and thusly, lost their love and respect.
My husband teases me and says that I have a "fairy tale" way of looking at the world; that I want the world to be a "Utopia". He's right. I do. But, even I know.......there is no such thing as "unconditional" anything. Not love. Not respect. Nothing. We, as humans, put conditions on EVERYTHING. So, don't beat yourself up when you hit your limit with a "loved one". Don't give up on them entirely. Give them a chance or two....or a thousand. You'll know when your internal limit has been breached. Limits are good. They're healthy. They're necessary. So, I'm giving up on the notion that anyone will ever love me unconditionally. I'm giving myself permission to love and respect you----CONDITIONALLY. It's just my truth.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in "Perfect"!!!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Abuse: A "Love" Story
I know, I know......another person talking about abuse. Another "blog" that's all negative and depressing. Can't this lady get happy already? Of course, I can. I am happy. I'm usually happy. I CHOOSE to be happy. I'm happy, even when I shouldn't be. I'm happy when no one else can imagine that they, themselves, would be happy. Maybe I'm just blissfully unaware of my surroundings.
The "abuse" legacy in my life, goes WAY back. My Mother chose to marry an abusive man. She then chose to have a child with him; me. He proceeded to abuse both of us until she found the strength to leave. I can tell you, from my own experience, that THAT is an act of faith and ultimate survival instinct. My father has chosen to NOT be a part of my life until I was an adult. He now asks for money and sympathy and lies to me every time he calls. I CHOOSE to not speak to him anymore. Again, survival instinct at it's finest!
My Mother then married a man who CHOSE to sexually abuse me. He deludes himself and says that he's "in love" with me. Forgoing the notion that a grown man being "in love" with a child, is just plain sick and wrong. I sometimes feel like he married my mother (after only 3 months of dating) as a way to get closer to me. Bizarre.
I moved out of my parents house and moved into a house with another man who chose to abuse me. My first husband was (and still is, as far as I know) a drug addict and an alcoholic. He likes to beat women. I, myself, took in a woman whom he had beaten after we divorced. I helped her get her wits about her and assisted her in leaving him. When he and I were together he liked to call me names, degrade me, push me, punch me, strangle me and threaten to kill me with a loaded gun. When I found the strength to leave him, nearly a decade later, I was a mess. Broken.
Now, my story isn't unique by any means. I know too many women who have similar stories. Tragic. I guess what I'm wondering is---why? Why do we settle? Why do we not see it for what it is straight away? Why don't we run as soon as the alarm bells go off? Unbelievable. Yet, common. Why don't we see our own value? Why couldn't I believe that I DESERVED better? Why don't I believe it now? Is the abuse to blame or am I? Do I "attract" this to myself, somehow? Am I "asking for it"? Intriguing. Do we, those of us who've been abused, give off some vibe? A vibration that only the abusive can feel? I'm not sure. It sometimes FEELS that way. Confusing. Sad.
I seem to find myself, even to this day, accepting things that others would not. I don't seem to have a good sense of where the "line" is. I don't know when someone crosses it with me. I know even less, what to do to get them to get "back on their side". Pathetic. I find myself being willing to put up with just about anything in the hopes that I won't be abandoned Left. Alone. I'm terrified to set limits. I don't feel entitled to it. I don't feel entitled to anything really. Heartbreaking. When I do find my voice and put it to use, it usually back fires. I tend to speak up at the "wrong moment" and about the "wrong issue". It does shock folks when I stand up and say "Hey, wait a minute. I'm here. I matter. See me. Listen to me. Please stop hurting me." Surprising.
I'm working on it. I'm trying to "get over it". In that, I realize that it's really more a matter of getting THROUGH it. As a wonderful lady (Alanis) has said, "The only way out, is through." This couldn't more true then when it comes to abuse. You can't go back in time. You can stop being a person who suffered at the hands of an abuser. What you can do is this; never let anyone abuse you again. This includes friends, family and coworkers. It's not just spouses that abuse us. Maybe, just maybe the most important person to stop abusing you, is you. It's high time I learn my value. To see it. To feel it. It has to become a part of me. I have to really believe that I have it, or else, no one else will believe it. I truly think that it's easier to abuse someone when they think so little of themselves that THEY'RE beating themselves up worse than anything anyone else could ever do to them. I know that I fall into this category. Embarrassing. It's a process people!
So, when the day comes that someone, with a little voice, stands up and screams at you "Hey....listen to me. See me. Here I am." What are you going to do? How are you going to react? We all need to realize that we're all the walking wounded. I believe that, for the most part, people are doing the best they can. Be gentle with your friend, lover, wife, business partner, boss, secretary or sister, when they shock you and let you in on their "little secret"......they've been abusing themselves for years. Today just might the day that they CHOSE to stop it. Today might be the day and YOU might be the person who they're starting with. See it as the opportunity that it truly is. Notice how it feels to have them stand up to you. Question you. Challenge you. Be thankful for them. Let them know that you value them. That you hear them. That you see them. Appreciate what courage it has taken for them to even stand up in the first place.
I have a good friend who said to me yesterday, "Why do you let this continue?". I had no answer. THAT made me think twice. Three times. More. About who I am.....now. Who I continue to be. All the who's and what's and when's and where's didn't make me think as much as that one "why". Powerful. So, if you love me......look out. Today might be the day that I choose to speak up.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
The "abuse" legacy in my life, goes WAY back. My Mother chose to marry an abusive man. She then chose to have a child with him; me. He proceeded to abuse both of us until she found the strength to leave. I can tell you, from my own experience, that THAT is an act of faith and ultimate survival instinct. My father has chosen to NOT be a part of my life until I was an adult. He now asks for money and sympathy and lies to me every time he calls. I CHOOSE to not speak to him anymore. Again, survival instinct at it's finest!
My Mother then married a man who CHOSE to sexually abuse me. He deludes himself and says that he's "in love" with me. Forgoing the notion that a grown man being "in love" with a child, is just plain sick and wrong. I sometimes feel like he married my mother (after only 3 months of dating) as a way to get closer to me. Bizarre.
I moved out of my parents house and moved into a house with another man who chose to abuse me. My first husband was (and still is, as far as I know) a drug addict and an alcoholic. He likes to beat women. I, myself, took in a woman whom he had beaten after we divorced. I helped her get her wits about her and assisted her in leaving him. When he and I were together he liked to call me names, degrade me, push me, punch me, strangle me and threaten to kill me with a loaded gun. When I found the strength to leave him, nearly a decade later, I was a mess. Broken.
Now, my story isn't unique by any means. I know too many women who have similar stories. Tragic. I guess what I'm wondering is---why? Why do we settle? Why do we not see it for what it is straight away? Why don't we run as soon as the alarm bells go off? Unbelievable. Yet, common. Why don't we see our own value? Why couldn't I believe that I DESERVED better? Why don't I believe it now? Is the abuse to blame or am I? Do I "attract" this to myself, somehow? Am I "asking for it"? Intriguing. Do we, those of us who've been abused, give off some vibe? A vibration that only the abusive can feel? I'm not sure. It sometimes FEELS that way. Confusing. Sad.
I seem to find myself, even to this day, accepting things that others would not. I don't seem to have a good sense of where the "line" is. I don't know when someone crosses it with me. I know even less, what to do to get them to get "back on their side". Pathetic. I find myself being willing to put up with just about anything in the hopes that I won't be abandoned Left. Alone. I'm terrified to set limits. I don't feel entitled to it. I don't feel entitled to anything really. Heartbreaking. When I do find my voice and put it to use, it usually back fires. I tend to speak up at the "wrong moment" and about the "wrong issue". It does shock folks when I stand up and say "Hey, wait a minute. I'm here. I matter. See me. Listen to me. Please stop hurting me." Surprising.
I'm working on it. I'm trying to "get over it". In that, I realize that it's really more a matter of getting THROUGH it. As a wonderful lady (Alanis) has said, "The only way out, is through." This couldn't more true then when it comes to abuse. You can't go back in time. You can stop being a person who suffered at the hands of an abuser. What you can do is this; never let anyone abuse you again. This includes friends, family and coworkers. It's not just spouses that abuse us. Maybe, just maybe the most important person to stop abusing you, is you. It's high time I learn my value. To see it. To feel it. It has to become a part of me. I have to really believe that I have it, or else, no one else will believe it. I truly think that it's easier to abuse someone when they think so little of themselves that THEY'RE beating themselves up worse than anything anyone else could ever do to them. I know that I fall into this category. Embarrassing. It's a process people!
So, when the day comes that someone, with a little voice, stands up and screams at you "Hey....listen to me. See me. Here I am." What are you going to do? How are you going to react? We all need to realize that we're all the walking wounded. I believe that, for the most part, people are doing the best they can. Be gentle with your friend, lover, wife, business partner, boss, secretary or sister, when they shock you and let you in on their "little secret"......they've been abusing themselves for years. Today just might the day that they CHOSE to stop it. Today might be the day and YOU might be the person who they're starting with. See it as the opportunity that it truly is. Notice how it feels to have them stand up to you. Question you. Challenge you. Be thankful for them. Let them know that you value them. That you hear them. That you see them. Appreciate what courage it has taken for them to even stand up in the first place.
I have a good friend who said to me yesterday, "Why do you let this continue?". I had no answer. THAT made me think twice. Three times. More. About who I am.....now. Who I continue to be. All the who's and what's and when's and where's didn't make me think as much as that one "why". Powerful. So, if you love me......look out. Today might be the day that I choose to speak up.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Consequences
I've had occasion to really consider the consequences of peoples actions lately. Of course, I've made a few observations about that. I know, I know, you're shocked! I've noticed that people rarely, if ever, want to admit that their behavior has effected someone else. Folks just don't seem to understand that we are social creatures. We NEED interaction and therefore, that interaction plays an integral part in shaping who we each are.
For example, we've all heard the stories from people who were about to go home and end their lives and then, as if by magic, a stranger smiles at them and says "hello" or holds the door for them or just plain SEES them. Like magic, this changes the persons perspective on life, others and maybe even themselves. It's THAT important. It's crucial that we see this interaction at work. It's of vital importance that we each acknowledge that what we do to each other matters. Because it does. Whether you want to admit it or not, doesn't matter. You don't have to believe in something for it to be true.
I've had to admit to myself that I've become made jaded and bitter; closed off it you will. There is almost always a catalyst for why people become this way. In my case, I would say that it was having it reinforced to me over and over again that 1) I'm not good enough the way I am and 2) people will walk all over me and hurt me, if I remain un-jaded and open. Now, can I say that my subsequent behavior is someone else's fault? Of course not. You're in control of yourself at all times. However, I will say that we, as humans, do become conditioned to certain reactions. I'm at the point where I've been conditioned to believe that if I'm just my genuine self, I will be hurt, ridiculed, and abandoned. It doesn't take much to push a person over the edge. To make them rethink everything about themselves. For me, it took abusive parents and ex-husband, a poor choice in friends and infidelity to get me to this point. Throw in some people dying that I dearly love and voila......closed off!!!
Now, if just one of these events hadn't taken place would I be a different person? Possibly. Would I be better? Impossible to know. In that vein, I'd like to examine what I've done that has effected people. I know that I've hurt people's feelings in the past. For that I am deeply sorrowful. I know that I've disappointed people. Tragic. I know that I've let people down. Even when they needed my most. I apologize. I've lied to people to save my own ass. (Not often, but, it has happened.) I'm ashamed of myself. I've cheated on people. A shame I will never recover from. I'm sure that somewhere along the way I was mean or cruel or just plain ignored someone in need. Words can not express my feelings for you! I've also been a shoulder to cry on. A warm, soft place to land, in a moment of crisis. I've held out my hand to someone who needed it and my hand has been taken and relied upon for support. A gift unto me as well. I've listened when an ear was all that was required. I've given advise when it was asked for. I smile at strangers. You just never know when YOU'LL be the one to save a life!! I talk to just about everyone; yes, even the cashier at the grocery store. (Much to my girls chagrin.) I've partied with my friends in celebration of births, weddings, divorces, birthdays, holidays, and yes, even funerals. I've danced to Prince even when people laughed at me. Because, well, I like to. I've made friends and I've made enemies. I suppose I'm just trying to be more in tune with what I do and what I say and how I can help, hurt and heal those around me.
I'm not proud of my less than stellar moments of interaction with my sisterhood of human kind (okay, AND with my brothers, too.). I am trying. I am striving to be less harmful, less toxic, less thoughtless to those with whom I share this little piece of the Earth. I'm not perfect. This, like anything else, is a journey, not a destination. All I ask of you is this, really truly examine your life. Look back over it and try to see the moments that you might have really impacted someone. Whether for their benefit or to their detriment. Sometimes, an apology goes a long way. It CAN heal people. It does change people. Although, the unfortunate truth is this; sometimes, the closure you seek isn't always the closer you get. People will react in strange and surprising ways, most of the time. Be prepared for anything and expect nothing. I beg of you though..........don't just sit back and watch your "consequences" walk by and not say anything. Don't let that person suffer. Be accountable for what part you might have played in this game we call life!
Take a deep breath..........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
For example, we've all heard the stories from people who were about to go home and end their lives and then, as if by magic, a stranger smiles at them and says "hello" or holds the door for them or just plain SEES them. Like magic, this changes the persons perspective on life, others and maybe even themselves. It's THAT important. It's crucial that we see this interaction at work. It's of vital importance that we each acknowledge that what we do to each other matters. Because it does. Whether you want to admit it or not, doesn't matter. You don't have to believe in something for it to be true.
I've had to admit to myself that I've become made jaded and bitter; closed off it you will. There is almost always a catalyst for why people become this way. In my case, I would say that it was having it reinforced to me over and over again that 1) I'm not good enough the way I am and 2) people will walk all over me and hurt me, if I remain un-jaded and open. Now, can I say that my subsequent behavior is someone else's fault? Of course not. You're in control of yourself at all times. However, I will say that we, as humans, do become conditioned to certain reactions. I'm at the point where I've been conditioned to believe that if I'm just my genuine self, I will be hurt, ridiculed, and abandoned. It doesn't take much to push a person over the edge. To make them rethink everything about themselves. For me, it took abusive parents and ex-husband, a poor choice in friends and infidelity to get me to this point. Throw in some people dying that I dearly love and voila......closed off!!!
Now, if just one of these events hadn't taken place would I be a different person? Possibly. Would I be better? Impossible to know. In that vein, I'd like to examine what I've done that has effected people. I know that I've hurt people's feelings in the past. For that I am deeply sorrowful. I know that I've disappointed people. Tragic. I know that I've let people down. Even when they needed my most. I apologize. I've lied to people to save my own ass. (Not often, but, it has happened.) I'm ashamed of myself. I've cheated on people. A shame I will never recover from. I'm sure that somewhere along the way I was mean or cruel or just plain ignored someone in need. Words can not express my feelings for you! I've also been a shoulder to cry on. A warm, soft place to land, in a moment of crisis. I've held out my hand to someone who needed it and my hand has been taken and relied upon for support. A gift unto me as well. I've listened when an ear was all that was required. I've given advise when it was asked for. I smile at strangers. You just never know when YOU'LL be the one to save a life!! I talk to just about everyone; yes, even the cashier at the grocery store. (Much to my girls chagrin.) I've partied with my friends in celebration of births, weddings, divorces, birthdays, holidays, and yes, even funerals. I've danced to Prince even when people laughed at me. Because, well, I like to. I've made friends and I've made enemies. I suppose I'm just trying to be more in tune with what I do and what I say and how I can help, hurt and heal those around me.
I'm not proud of my less than stellar moments of interaction with my sisterhood of human kind (okay, AND with my brothers, too.). I am trying. I am striving to be less harmful, less toxic, less thoughtless to those with whom I share this little piece of the Earth. I'm not perfect. This, like anything else, is a journey, not a destination. All I ask of you is this, really truly examine your life. Look back over it and try to see the moments that you might have really impacted someone. Whether for their benefit or to their detriment. Sometimes, an apology goes a long way. It CAN heal people. It does change people. Although, the unfortunate truth is this; sometimes, the closure you seek isn't always the closer you get. People will react in strange and surprising ways, most of the time. Be prepared for anything and expect nothing. I beg of you though..........don't just sit back and watch your "consequences" walk by and not say anything. Don't let that person suffer. Be accountable for what part you might have played in this game we call life!
Take a deep breath..........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
He Says.....(POEM)
You're my Snicklefritz
He says
Playing with me, loving me, being my one, only true friend
My protector; he keeps me whole and safe and warm
through the storm of uncertainty, he's eternal
and then gone.
He says
As he violates my trust
Splintering a child's mind, body, spirit into a million shards of ice
scattered on the ground
never to be collected
put together no more.
I love you
He says
After he hits me again
Beating me into submission one more time
He prays that I don't die this time
I'm always hoping that I do
suffocating me
breathing life back into me
seems both strange and yet mundane--expected.
I honor you
He says
As we stand and take the vows.
To protect and keep me, love me,
whether I'm ill or well
I'm afraid to believe him
fear ravages my soul, unclear, muddled, lost, undefined.
I'm here for you
He says
And I turn away, unable to believe it.
Too broken to find solace in the word, the book, the belief.
I'm saddened, shattered, beaten, suffocated, untrusting and thus alone.
I'm still waiting
He says
I'm hoping that he's patient
Picking up my broken pieces
a slow painful process I must do alone,
sometimes the ice cuts me, sometimes it's just too cold
You are not alone
He says
I wake up and realize that that's what I've been waiting to hear,
all my life,
and cry,
because I know
it was just a dream
Go back to sleep
He says
I lie down
and for once,
I listen.
Age (POEM)
I found out I was pregnant with you and my life changed forever.
I'm the vessel and you are the prize inside.
A perfect package, yet to be unwrapped.
Waiting. Praying. Uncertain times.
I held you in my arms and my priorities instantly shifted.
You are the most important thing in my life. Evermore.
From this day forward I am your Mother.
Watching. Awestruck. Privileged to partake.
You left on that school bus and took my heart with you.
I watched you wave goodbye with tears in my eyes.
I know that I have to let you go, for your sake.
Wondering. Fearful. Learning along with you.
You're a teenager now and know more than I do.
I realize that this is all part of the process. Tearing yourself away from me, slowly.
Piece by piece, I watch you leave. Growing in your own right.
Impatient. Saddened. Wishing that you'd reappear to me.
Watching your father walk you down the aisle.
The beauty in which you move takes my breath away.
I am honored to be in the presence of such grace.
Nervous, Excited. At peace with who you've become.
You found out that you're pregnant today. My life has changed forever.
You're both the prize and the vessel. Both to me and the daughter you're protecting, inside.
What a blessing it is to watch you unwrap your own irreplaceable gift.
Anxious. Enthralled. I'm so proud of you.
You're holding my hand now, helping me walk.
The tenderness in which you hold me reminds me of something, yet it escapes me now.
I'm thankful for your attendance to this precious time in my life. The end.
Tired. Complete. Ready to pass you the torch.
From this day forward.....I am your Mother.
I'm the vessel and you are the prize inside.
A perfect package, yet to be unwrapped.
Waiting. Praying. Uncertain times.
I held you in my arms and my priorities instantly shifted.
You are the most important thing in my life. Evermore.
From this day forward I am your Mother.
Watching. Awestruck. Privileged to partake.
You left on that school bus and took my heart with you.
I watched you wave goodbye with tears in my eyes.
I know that I have to let you go, for your sake.
Wondering. Fearful. Learning along with you.
You're a teenager now and know more than I do.
I realize that this is all part of the process. Tearing yourself away from me, slowly.
Piece by piece, I watch you leave. Growing in your own right.
Impatient. Saddened. Wishing that you'd reappear to me.
Watching your father walk you down the aisle.
The beauty in which you move takes my breath away.
I am honored to be in the presence of such grace.
Nervous, Excited. At peace with who you've become.
You found out that you're pregnant today. My life has changed forever.
You're both the prize and the vessel. Both to me and the daughter you're protecting, inside.
What a blessing it is to watch you unwrap your own irreplaceable gift.
Anxious. Enthralled. I'm so proud of you.
You're holding my hand now, helping me walk.
The tenderness in which you hold me reminds me of something, yet it escapes me now.
I'm thankful for your attendance to this precious time in my life. The end.
Tired. Complete. Ready to pass you the torch.
From this day forward.....I am your Mother.
Being Nice: A Birth Defect
I'm wondering....(shocking, I know) if the way we are, as in kindness, cruelty, bluntness, honesty, tactfulness, shyness, etc. is all innate. Are they all birth defects? Are we just preprogrammed, in the womb as to how we will react to things? I know what you're thinking; this is the same old nature vs. nurture question that has been raging for years. You'd be right. However, this is my own personal perspective on it and what I've really started to notice as I've been searching for my path in life. Whilst I've been making new friends and saying good bye to the old ones, I've been clearly and painfully aware of a few key things about people. 1) I'm not sure that people really have any hope of changing their brains reaction to things, myself included. Hell, maybe MYSELF mostly! 2) I'm also not sure that people really WANT to change. I think that most people think that "they're way" is the "right way". Again, I hold myself in this category as I do you.
I've noticed lately, in particular that people seem unable to empathize with others very well. Now, if this was one of your birth defects, as it was for me, then you might empathize too much. Which is worse? Which is more annoying? Which is better? Which is easier to get along with? Ah, empathy. That all important (to me) trait. This one means the MOST to me personally, because I believe that it allows a person to really understand where someone else is coming from. Not on a superficial "Oh, yeah, I totally know what you mean." but rather on a "I truly feel your pain." kind of level. Herein lies the rub. For the empathetic person, you tend to take on more of someone's pain than is advisable. I, myself, find that I FEEL things much more clearly than others around me. This, of course, makes me appear overly sensitive or, GASP, dramatic. Now, if everyone was empathetic, they would know that I'm just relating to my surrounding on a deeply emotional level. So, for all of my less than extremely empathetic friends, this is why I behave the way I do sometimes. It's as inconceivable to you as you, unempathetic people, are to me. It's not lost on me that empathetic ends in "pathetic". I've had to see this particular birth defect as a strength. I chose to accept this trait and love it about myself. I am tender hearted and that's okay.
Another observation I've made is about those of you who speak your mind. Wow. I'm jealous. When something happens to you and you have a reaction occur in your brain, boy, you just spit it out. No holds barred. If people are going to love you then, by God, they're going to love all of you. Amazing. I can honestly say that this is one of the birth defects that I wish I was born with! Having said that, I can also appreciate that this trait must get y'all into trouble sometimes. I wonder what it would be like to be in the moment and feel like "Hey, you've crossed the line and pissed me off. Shut up. You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. I refuse to let you speak to me that way." and actually SAY it. Staggering. I've also seen it in action to the contrary. There are times when you should just take your own advise and shut the hell up, yourself. Being lippy and cruel to people that you barely know or just saying whatever you think to someone you allegedly love, is inexcusable at times. Although, I envy your strength I believe that sometimes, just sometimes, it should to be tapered. With great power, comes great responsibility and I believe that this birth defect is a great power. Use is wisely, y'all.
Alas, I've also noticed that judgement seems to come as a birth defect, too. Those of you who have been blessed with the innate ability to see everyone elses shortcomings and call them out, in order of importance are, well, shall I call it, interesting to me. I try very hard to see where someone is coming from, PRIOR to making any snap judgements. (See above- empathy birth defect.) Am I without judgements? Of course not. I am afraid of certain people on sight, whether rationally or irrationally. That is, in itself, a judgement. Although, that's not really what I'm getting at here. I'm talking about those folks who just "know" every flaw in every person they meet. Those folks can see me coming a mile away! My flaws are rather apparent. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this offends many people. Ironically enough, these folks generally have the lippy birth defect in spades and lack the empathetic defect. So, of course, they have LOTS to say about me. Now, it's not always TOO me. These folks can sometimes, also have the gossip birth defect, but I get ahead of myself. I've been guilty of hearing something said about someone and jumping on the bandwagon to put them down myself. I'm not proud of myself. I'm just being transparent. I wonder why it is that some people seem to really JUDGE everyone? I believe that it's a birth defect because even once it's been pointed out to them they are unable to curb the behavior. Nature or nurture? Who knows for sure?
One of my favorites---kindness. I've been lucky enough to have met several kind people recently. Kindness is sometimes seen as a weakness or a flaw in people. I rather like it. I like it when people reach out to others. I like it when people are somewhat open and gentle with me. I love the random act of kindness. I try to engage in them as often as possible. These small, seemingly insignificant acts, can change peoples lives. I've learned, years later, that something kind that I had done, truly kept someone from ending their life. Heart stopping. We've all also seen what being cruel can do to people. I mention these two birth defects together because I feel like, maybe, they're the flip side of the same coin. Being kind or being cruel, both are life altering for those around you. I also believe that it can be a cancer to you or a tonic. Cruelty will eat away at you and kindness, I believe can heal you. I'm not sure that people have the ability to change this either. Sad to say, I'm learning that you're either born kind or born cruel. Compelling.
Gossip. Enough said.
So where does this leave us? Are we all hopelessly slaves to our birth defects? Perhaps. I'm sorry to say that I've just really started to believe that people don't change. For the good and the bad. Maybe, in the end, it's all for the best. At least you know what you're "going to get" when dealing with someone. You'll eventually know how they'll react to each situation. You then, can anticipate what to do with them and what to leave them out of. Maybe, it's a good thing; people being predictable. I suppose that I'm learning to find it comforting. I EXPECT certain people to react to me harshly. I'm not shocked. I EXPECT a few people to be kind hearted and empathetic to me. Those are the ones I reach out to. Reassuring. I appreciate KNOWING how each of you will react to this posting.
Look around. Really take notice of who's in your life. Notice which "birth defects" they have. Accept them for who they are. Utilize their birth traits. Let those wonderfully honestly blunt people call you on your crap. Listen to them. Try to not take it personally. That's their gift. Be gentle with the kind hearted person. They just might save your life one day. Be slow to judge; if you can. Be quick to listen. I can empathize with how hard it all is.
Take a deep breath........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
I've noticed lately, in particular that people seem unable to empathize with others very well. Now, if this was one of your birth defects, as it was for me, then you might empathize too much. Which is worse? Which is more annoying? Which is better? Which is easier to get along with? Ah, empathy. That all important (to me) trait. This one means the MOST to me personally, because I believe that it allows a person to really understand where someone else is coming from. Not on a superficial "Oh, yeah, I totally know what you mean." but rather on a "I truly feel your pain." kind of level. Herein lies the rub. For the empathetic person, you tend to take on more of someone's pain than is advisable. I, myself, find that I FEEL things much more clearly than others around me. This, of course, makes me appear overly sensitive or, GASP, dramatic. Now, if everyone was empathetic, they would know that I'm just relating to my surrounding on a deeply emotional level. So, for all of my less than extremely empathetic friends, this is why I behave the way I do sometimes. It's as inconceivable to you as you, unempathetic people, are to me. It's not lost on me that empathetic ends in "pathetic". I've had to see this particular birth defect as a strength. I chose to accept this trait and love it about myself. I am tender hearted and that's okay.
Another observation I've made is about those of you who speak your mind. Wow. I'm jealous. When something happens to you and you have a reaction occur in your brain, boy, you just spit it out. No holds barred. If people are going to love you then, by God, they're going to love all of you. Amazing. I can honestly say that this is one of the birth defects that I wish I was born with! Having said that, I can also appreciate that this trait must get y'all into trouble sometimes. I wonder what it would be like to be in the moment and feel like "Hey, you've crossed the line and pissed me off. Shut up. You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. I refuse to let you speak to me that way." and actually SAY it. Staggering. I've also seen it in action to the contrary. There are times when you should just take your own advise and shut the hell up, yourself. Being lippy and cruel to people that you barely know or just saying whatever you think to someone you allegedly love, is inexcusable at times. Although, I envy your strength I believe that sometimes, just sometimes, it should to be tapered. With great power, comes great responsibility and I believe that this birth defect is a great power. Use is wisely, y'all.
Alas, I've also noticed that judgement seems to come as a birth defect, too. Those of you who have been blessed with the innate ability to see everyone elses shortcomings and call them out, in order of importance are, well, shall I call it, interesting to me. I try very hard to see where someone is coming from, PRIOR to making any snap judgements. (See above- empathy birth defect.) Am I without judgements? Of course not. I am afraid of certain people on sight, whether rationally or irrationally. That is, in itself, a judgement. Although, that's not really what I'm getting at here. I'm talking about those folks who just "know" every flaw in every person they meet. Those folks can see me coming a mile away! My flaws are rather apparent. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this offends many people. Ironically enough, these folks generally have the lippy birth defect in spades and lack the empathetic defect. So, of course, they have LOTS to say about me. Now, it's not always TOO me. These folks can sometimes, also have the gossip birth defect, but I get ahead of myself. I've been guilty of hearing something said about someone and jumping on the bandwagon to put them down myself. I'm not proud of myself. I'm just being transparent. I wonder why it is that some people seem to really JUDGE everyone? I believe that it's a birth defect because even once it's been pointed out to them they are unable to curb the behavior. Nature or nurture? Who knows for sure?
One of my favorites---kindness. I've been lucky enough to have met several kind people recently. Kindness is sometimes seen as a weakness or a flaw in people. I rather like it. I like it when people reach out to others. I like it when people are somewhat open and gentle with me. I love the random act of kindness. I try to engage in them as often as possible. These small, seemingly insignificant acts, can change peoples lives. I've learned, years later, that something kind that I had done, truly kept someone from ending their life. Heart stopping. We've all also seen what being cruel can do to people. I mention these two birth defects together because I feel like, maybe, they're the flip side of the same coin. Being kind or being cruel, both are life altering for those around you. I also believe that it can be a cancer to you or a tonic. Cruelty will eat away at you and kindness, I believe can heal you. I'm not sure that people have the ability to change this either. Sad to say, I'm learning that you're either born kind or born cruel. Compelling.
Gossip. Enough said.
So where does this leave us? Are we all hopelessly slaves to our birth defects? Perhaps. I'm sorry to say that I've just really started to believe that people don't change. For the good and the bad. Maybe, in the end, it's all for the best. At least you know what you're "going to get" when dealing with someone. You'll eventually know how they'll react to each situation. You then, can anticipate what to do with them and what to leave them out of. Maybe, it's a good thing; people being predictable. I suppose that I'm learning to find it comforting. I EXPECT certain people to react to me harshly. I'm not shocked. I EXPECT a few people to be kind hearted and empathetic to me. Those are the ones I reach out to. Reassuring. I appreciate KNOWING how each of you will react to this posting.
Look around. Really take notice of who's in your life. Notice which "birth defects" they have. Accept them for who they are. Utilize their birth traits. Let those wonderfully honestly blunt people call you on your crap. Listen to them. Try to not take it personally. That's their gift. Be gentle with the kind hearted person. They just might save your life one day. Be slow to judge; if you can. Be quick to listen. I can empathize with how hard it all is.
Take a deep breath........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Everyday (POEM)
Ugly.
My feelings about myself and what I see in the mirror, everyday.
Insignificant.
What you think of me and what I think of myself, everyday.
Invisible.
What I wish I could be and what my pain is, everyday.
Brutal.
What I deserve and how I treat myself, everyday.
Empty.
How I love to feel and what I am, everyday.
Binge.
How I fill the void and punish myself, everyday.
Heavy.
My heart and body and mind, my soul and spirit, everyday.
Cold.
Inside but never outside, everyday.
Deprecating.
Can't do it enough to make myself feel free, everyday.
My feelings about myself and what I see in the mirror, everyday.
Insignificant.
What you think of me and what I think of myself, everyday.
Invisible.
What I wish I could be and what my pain is, everyday.
Brutal.
What I deserve and how I treat myself, everyday.
Empty.
How I love to feel and what I am, everyday.
Binge.
How I fill the void and punish myself, everyday.
Heavy.
My heart and body and mind, my soul and spirit, everyday.
Cold.
Inside but never outside, everyday.
Deprecating.
Can't do it enough to make myself feel free, everyday.
Love and Other Strange Hormonal Things
Ah yes, love. The almighty end all be all. Wars are fought over it. (According to my husband, anyway.) People end their lives because of it. Some people get snatched bald headed, over it. (Yes, I'm from Texas and I did just say "bald headed".) People lose their damn minds. All in the name of "L-O-V-E".
What's the big deal? It truly is a simple hormonal reaction to stimuli. Simple and illogical. I for one, am quite angry that we have no control over who we feel this hormonal surge over. I hate the fact that outside sources have such control over me; and it. Let's take nostalgia for instance; this "simple" hormonal reaction to a fond memory of the past can wreak havoc on us. Remembering the way you felt when you loved him. How tender his arms were when he held you. How innocent the love was. How innocent you were. It's all fake. That's the past. Get over it. Grow up!! But yet-------there's something irresistible about the familiar. The comfortable. The fun of the 'past'. We seem to have forgotten, assuming that the relationship wasn't completely horrible, why we didn't end up married to said person, in the first place. Damn hormones!
I am one of those girls who used to sit in my room for hours, listening to "torch songs". You know the ones. The ones that slowly but surely rip your poor heart apart. The ones that remind you of him. Of you AND him. Of you and him TOGETHER. Boo-fucking-hoo. I would waste an entire box of tissues and end up with red puffy eyes for days over Mr. Fucking Wonderful. Why would I torture myself so? Love. Plain and simple. I love----A LOT. Nowadays, I sit in my car and do the exact same thing. Embarrassing, yet true. I suppose the classics never do die.
I cry over the people that I've loved who never loved me back. I cry for the people who loved me more than I loved them. I cry for the people I wish I could have loved but never quite got the chance. Yes, I am an idiot. Although, again, I will blame hormones. I find the pain reassuring in some way. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I CAN feel. It reminds me that I have a lot of love to give. It reminds me that I need to make dinner. (Oh wait, no........) It reminds me that I need more dopamine. Ha!
Ah---dopamine. That feel good hormone that's to blame for all this love nonsense. (Granted there are other hormones involved in that "loving feeling", but, we'll just keep it simple stupid.) I find that I crave it if I don't have enough. Now, medically, I know that I do suffer from a low dopamine level. However, I don't think that that in and of itself is enough of an explanation for why I just love to be in love. Is it because I'm a woman? Perhaps. Is it because I'm bored? Maybe. Is it because I suffer from abandonment issues and have a inferiority complex? Oh wait.....different blog. Sorry! Who knows? Not me. That's for damn sure.
I've found myself in some pretty sticky situations because I've gotten the whole "love thing" wrong. I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I mean, who hasn't gotten the whole friendship/ lover thing mixed up before? I can't be the only one who has confused lust for love, can I? I don't believe that I'm the only one who went from strictly hating someone to making mad passionate love with them in a matter of weeks? (Don't leave me hangin' here guys....can I get a "Hell yeah!!") I'm also ashamed to admit that I've even confused sex for love. Blasphemy, I realize. Men will laugh; women will be appalled. Yes, tis true. I let those pesky sex hormones get all mixed up in my brain and they ended up feeling exactly like those pesky love hormones. Damn it!! The lack of control infuriates me.
I've been hurt by men who lost control of their hormones and slept with someone else, whilst being in a relationship with me. I've also forgiven said men, due to my own hormones. I ask you----what the fuck? Why, oh why, are we so driven by our hormones? Why in the world would our bodies depend on them so much, when they're wrong as many times as their right? (If one of you says "procreation" I'm going to scream!!!)
I just wish that it were easier, this whole love thing. I wish that my heart was unable to feel it when I shouldn't. I wish that there were some way to keep it burning, when times get tough. I wish that there were some way to turn it off. To make it impossible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time. I mean, it seems fair enough. Logical even. Why would there even be a need for such nonsense? I have no idea. Truly. It seems more like a defect really. Shouldn't your heart be incapable of feeling that way towards more than one person at a time? I think so. It would surely make life a lot easier. No infidelity. Less divorce, for sure. Or would there be? Maybe it is that way now and we're just too stupid to see it.
The medical community has proven that the "seven year itch" really does happen. Why does it happen you might ask? Stupid. Ass. Hormones. The wonderful dopamine cocktail rush that we all feel when we first meet; that floaty, gitty, "Oh, I can't sleep or eat or breathe without thinking about you" crap. Yeah, that wears off in about five to seven years. Then what. Reality. The drudgery of day to day living kicks in. Now you might have kids by now. And a mortgage (or two!). And you're both working your asses off just trying to "keep it all together". She might gain some "baby weight" and he stops even trying to be romantic. What are you left with? NO MORE FEEL GOOD HORMONES! And what happens......bum, bum, bum.......someone cheats. Shocking.
Aha!!! So, see....you stop FEELING like you love each other anymore. Then what happens.? POOF...someone new walks in your door and you're all like "Huh? What? You mean you actually want to know about ME? You're not asking me where your socks are and when dinner will be ready?" Wow. Now that's a concept. And that hot chick staring at you really does want to know all about your favorite football team and just EXACTLY what did you do at work all day? Schwing. And that's all it took.....a little time and attention and now what do you have------FEEL GOOD HORMONES!
You can see where this is leading. Down the road to destruction. And why, I ask you???? HORMONES! I hate them. I wish that I could flip a switch and turn them off or on. I wish that that little squirt I still get, every now and again, when my husband dresses a certain way or says a certain thing or holds my hand at just the right moment would last forever. I wish that that little squirt he still gets when I make the "perfect meal" or wear his favorite perfume or hold his hand at just the right moment, would stick, too. Alas. It doesn't.
It hardly seems fair. Sometimes, I feel destined to fail. I feel like sitting in the car listening to sad songs and crying my eyes out will be something I do until the day I die. Why do I feel this way? (You already know the answer.)
Take a deep breath.........it's just another day in Perfect!!
What's the big deal? It truly is a simple hormonal reaction to stimuli. Simple and illogical. I for one, am quite angry that we have no control over who we feel this hormonal surge over. I hate the fact that outside sources have such control over me; and it. Let's take nostalgia for instance; this "simple" hormonal reaction to a fond memory of the past can wreak havoc on us. Remembering the way you felt when you loved him. How tender his arms were when he held you. How innocent the love was. How innocent you were. It's all fake. That's the past. Get over it. Grow up!! But yet-------there's something irresistible about the familiar. The comfortable. The fun of the 'past'. We seem to have forgotten, assuming that the relationship wasn't completely horrible, why we didn't end up married to said person, in the first place. Damn hormones!
I am one of those girls who used to sit in my room for hours, listening to "torch songs". You know the ones. The ones that slowly but surely rip your poor heart apart. The ones that remind you of him. Of you AND him. Of you and him TOGETHER. Boo-fucking-hoo. I would waste an entire box of tissues and end up with red puffy eyes for days over Mr. Fucking Wonderful. Why would I torture myself so? Love. Plain and simple. I love----A LOT. Nowadays, I sit in my car and do the exact same thing. Embarrassing, yet true. I suppose the classics never do die.
I cry over the people that I've loved who never loved me back. I cry for the people who loved me more than I loved them. I cry for the people I wish I could have loved but never quite got the chance. Yes, I am an idiot. Although, again, I will blame hormones. I find the pain reassuring in some way. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I CAN feel. It reminds me that I have a lot of love to give. It reminds me that I need to make dinner. (Oh wait, no........) It reminds me that I need more dopamine. Ha!
Ah---dopamine. That feel good hormone that's to blame for all this love nonsense. (Granted there are other hormones involved in that "loving feeling", but, we'll just keep it simple stupid.) I find that I crave it if I don't have enough. Now, medically, I know that I do suffer from a low dopamine level. However, I don't think that that in and of itself is enough of an explanation for why I just love to be in love. Is it because I'm a woman? Perhaps. Is it because I'm bored? Maybe. Is it because I suffer from abandonment issues and have a inferiority complex? Oh wait.....different blog. Sorry! Who knows? Not me. That's for damn sure.
I've found myself in some pretty sticky situations because I've gotten the whole "love thing" wrong. I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I mean, who hasn't gotten the whole friendship/ lover thing mixed up before? I can't be the only one who has confused lust for love, can I? I don't believe that I'm the only one who went from strictly hating someone to making mad passionate love with them in a matter of weeks? (Don't leave me hangin' here guys....can I get a "Hell yeah!!") I'm also ashamed to admit that I've even confused sex for love. Blasphemy, I realize. Men will laugh; women will be appalled. Yes, tis true. I let those pesky sex hormones get all mixed up in my brain and they ended up feeling exactly like those pesky love hormones. Damn it!! The lack of control infuriates me.
I've been hurt by men who lost control of their hormones and slept with someone else, whilst being in a relationship with me. I've also forgiven said men, due to my own hormones. I ask you----what the fuck? Why, oh why, are we so driven by our hormones? Why in the world would our bodies depend on them so much, when they're wrong as many times as their right? (If one of you says "procreation" I'm going to scream!!!)
I just wish that it were easier, this whole love thing. I wish that my heart was unable to feel it when I shouldn't. I wish that there were some way to keep it burning, when times get tough. I wish that there were some way to turn it off. To make it impossible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time. I mean, it seems fair enough. Logical even. Why would there even be a need for such nonsense? I have no idea. Truly. It seems more like a defect really. Shouldn't your heart be incapable of feeling that way towards more than one person at a time? I think so. It would surely make life a lot easier. No infidelity. Less divorce, for sure. Or would there be? Maybe it is that way now and we're just too stupid to see it.
The medical community has proven that the "seven year itch" really does happen. Why does it happen you might ask? Stupid. Ass. Hormones. The wonderful dopamine cocktail rush that we all feel when we first meet; that floaty, gitty, "Oh, I can't sleep or eat or breathe without thinking about you" crap. Yeah, that wears off in about five to seven years. Then what. Reality. The drudgery of day to day living kicks in. Now you might have kids by now. And a mortgage (or two!). And you're both working your asses off just trying to "keep it all together". She might gain some "baby weight" and he stops even trying to be romantic. What are you left with? NO MORE FEEL GOOD HORMONES! And what happens......bum, bum, bum.......someone cheats. Shocking.
Aha!!! So, see....you stop FEELING like you love each other anymore. Then what happens.? POOF...someone new walks in your door and you're all like "Huh? What? You mean you actually want to know about ME? You're not asking me where your socks are and when dinner will be ready?" Wow. Now that's a concept. And that hot chick staring at you really does want to know all about your favorite football team and just EXACTLY what did you do at work all day? Schwing. And that's all it took.....a little time and attention and now what do you have------FEEL GOOD HORMONES!
You can see where this is leading. Down the road to destruction. And why, I ask you???? HORMONES! I hate them. I wish that I could flip a switch and turn them off or on. I wish that that little squirt I still get, every now and again, when my husband dresses a certain way or says a certain thing or holds my hand at just the right moment would last forever. I wish that that little squirt he still gets when I make the "perfect meal" or wear his favorite perfume or hold his hand at just the right moment, would stick, too. Alas. It doesn't.
It hardly seems fair. Sometimes, I feel destined to fail. I feel like sitting in the car listening to sad songs and crying my eyes out will be something I do until the day I die. Why do I feel this way? (You already know the answer.)
Take a deep breath.........it's just another day in Perfect!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Transparency- Strength or Weakness?
So, I'm transparent. Not as in, insignificant, rather.....I tell everyone---EVERYTHING. Not just here, but, in "real life", too. I tend to over tell things. I tell people things that they don't want to know. I tell them things that they don't care about. I tell people every little flaw and triumph and even when I stub my big toe. Lately, I've been asked to examine that quality in myself.
Is it strength or a weakness? I've become obsessed with figuring it out. Here's my answer---yes. Indeed, it is both. People feel comfortable telling me their "stuff" BECAUSE I'm safe. I won't tell your secrets, if for no other reason than, you know mine. I believe, however, that it's more than that. People feel that they can trust me to understand where it is that they're coming from. I don't judge. I rarely am shocked. I'm compassionate and empathetic. People feel UN-comfortable talking to me because they don't know how to "take me". They're not sure if they should believe what I'm telling them. Most people aren't used to others being so "open" with delicate or painful topics. Most people like to hide their "scars". MOST people don't want you to know that they're flawed or damaged.
So, here's the catch 22. How can I tell the difference between the two? How can I know, ahead of time, who the ones are that are going to be made uncomfortable by my openness and the ones who are going to feel at ease BECAUSE I'm willing to open up about my own "garbage"? Bottom line.....I can't. So, I've lost people in my life because I thought that they were one way and, in fact, they were 'the other'. I've driven good people away because I've given too much information, too soon. I've made new friends quickly, too. Being able to reassure them that they are NOT alone in their "stories". I'm able to listen, without judgement and sometimes, that's really all that people need. It's healing. Comforting.
Then, there's the worst of all scenarios.......I've lost people that I've loved dearly because, in the end, the OTHER people in our lives (mutual friends) just don't know how to deal with my personality. I've also opened my big ass mouth and hurt people by, inadvertently, telling their secrets. Now, hear me out here....this was NEVER done to be hurtful or mean. Circumstances have presented themselves in which, I've really had no choice. Life or death, shall we say? (No....really. I was THAT intense.) So, where does that leave me? Apologizing is hardly enough. Trying to explain myself, rarely seems to help. People are going to do what they're going to do. I have about as much control over that as you do, yet.....I always wish that I could explain it "correctly". I truly, deeply feel that if I could just "say the right words", be reassuring enough, sorry enough, HONEST enough, surely they'll understand. Naive? Maybe.
Now, I've been asked to examine this quality in myself. In part, due to the loss of someone that I loved. In part, because I've hurt people, unintentionally. Here's what I know for sure, after all this introspection.....I am who I am. However, I need to TRY to restrain myself. I AM working on keeping my big mouth shut. I'm striving to be more closed off. Private. As strange as that sounds, especially to me......it "feels" like the right choice. So, when I've met new people, I've been quiet. I've listened more and talked less. I've been scared, really. Terrified, to open up. I'm anxious about what they would think of me. Either way. Are they going to think that I'm a bitch BECAUSE I'm so quiet? Are they going to think that I'm standoffish? A snob? Am I going to seem like I'm hiding something because I share so little? This is the struggle of the compulsively honest person. When to speak up and when to shut up? Dilemma.
It hasn't been easy. It feels like I'm holding my breath all the time. It feels unnatural. Foreign. I'm worried that I'm not me anymore. I worried that I'm becoming jaded, closed off, uncompassionate. I'm worried that I've been hurt so badly that I'm just protecting myself now and that I'm going to stop caring about other people. I'm worried that, well......I'm losing myself. That I'm letting the people who really don't even know or understand me take precedence over those people who really did (and hopefully still do) love me for who and what I am. What to do, what to do?????
I want to show my girls that being honest is a good thing. I want them to know that it's the best policy, but, more than that....that being 100% WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE IS NOT ONLY OKAY BUT WONDERFUL!! Glorious. To be celebrated. I want them to never be ashamed of who they are. I want them to own their scars as well as their "gold stars". Why would I ever ask them to be disingenuous to themselves? Why? Well, maybe because I'm not living the life. I'm not walking the walk, but just talking the talk. I'm preaching to them, something I'm not willing to believe in myself. I can't think of worse thing to do to my children. I'm robbing them of their truth. I'm robing them of MY truth.
I suppose this leaves me at an impasse. I suppose that I'll keep searching for the balance between completely transparent and comfortably aloof. I suppose that I'm still trying to figure out who and what I am. I DO know that I'm not ashamed of my past. I'm not to blame for the things that have happened to me. I will NOT allow other people to shame me into submission!!! I am strong. I am honest. I am transparent......and I just might not be able to change that. Interesting.
Take a deep breath......it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Is it strength or a weakness? I've become obsessed with figuring it out. Here's my answer---yes. Indeed, it is both. People feel comfortable telling me their "stuff" BECAUSE I'm safe. I won't tell your secrets, if for no other reason than, you know mine. I believe, however, that it's more than that. People feel that they can trust me to understand where it is that they're coming from. I don't judge. I rarely am shocked. I'm compassionate and empathetic. People feel UN-comfortable talking to me because they don't know how to "take me". They're not sure if they should believe what I'm telling them. Most people aren't used to others being so "open" with delicate or painful topics. Most people like to hide their "scars". MOST people don't want you to know that they're flawed or damaged.
So, here's the catch 22. How can I tell the difference between the two? How can I know, ahead of time, who the ones are that are going to be made uncomfortable by my openness and the ones who are going to feel at ease BECAUSE I'm willing to open up about my own "garbage"? Bottom line.....I can't. So, I've lost people in my life because I thought that they were one way and, in fact, they were 'the other'. I've driven good people away because I've given too much information, too soon. I've made new friends quickly, too. Being able to reassure them that they are NOT alone in their "stories". I'm able to listen, without judgement and sometimes, that's really all that people need. It's healing. Comforting.
Then, there's the worst of all scenarios.......I've lost people that I've loved dearly because, in the end, the OTHER people in our lives (mutual friends) just don't know how to deal with my personality. I've also opened my big ass mouth and hurt people by, inadvertently, telling their secrets. Now, hear me out here....this was NEVER done to be hurtful or mean. Circumstances have presented themselves in which, I've really had no choice. Life or death, shall we say? (No....really. I was THAT intense.) So, where does that leave me? Apologizing is hardly enough. Trying to explain myself, rarely seems to help. People are going to do what they're going to do. I have about as much control over that as you do, yet.....I always wish that I could explain it "correctly". I truly, deeply feel that if I could just "say the right words", be reassuring enough, sorry enough, HONEST enough, surely they'll understand. Naive? Maybe.
Now, I've been asked to examine this quality in myself. In part, due to the loss of someone that I loved. In part, because I've hurt people, unintentionally. Here's what I know for sure, after all this introspection.....I am who I am. However, I need to TRY to restrain myself. I AM working on keeping my big mouth shut. I'm striving to be more closed off. Private. As strange as that sounds, especially to me......it "feels" like the right choice. So, when I've met new people, I've been quiet. I've listened more and talked less. I've been scared, really. Terrified, to open up. I'm anxious about what they would think of me. Either way. Are they going to think that I'm a bitch BECAUSE I'm so quiet? Are they going to think that I'm standoffish? A snob? Am I going to seem like I'm hiding something because I share so little? This is the struggle of the compulsively honest person. When to speak up and when to shut up? Dilemma.
It hasn't been easy. It feels like I'm holding my breath all the time. It feels unnatural. Foreign. I'm worried that I'm not me anymore. I worried that I'm becoming jaded, closed off, uncompassionate. I'm worried that I've been hurt so badly that I'm just protecting myself now and that I'm going to stop caring about other people. I'm worried that, well......I'm losing myself. That I'm letting the people who really don't even know or understand me take precedence over those people who really did (and hopefully still do) love me for who and what I am. What to do, what to do?????
I want to show my girls that being honest is a good thing. I want them to know that it's the best policy, but, more than that....that being 100% WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE IS NOT ONLY OKAY BUT WONDERFUL!! Glorious. To be celebrated. I want them to never be ashamed of who they are. I want them to own their scars as well as their "gold stars". Why would I ever ask them to be disingenuous to themselves? Why? Well, maybe because I'm not living the life. I'm not walking the walk, but just talking the talk. I'm preaching to them, something I'm not willing to believe in myself. I can't think of worse thing to do to my children. I'm robbing them of their truth. I'm robing them of MY truth.
I suppose this leaves me at an impasse. I suppose that I'll keep searching for the balance between completely transparent and comfortably aloof. I suppose that I'm still trying to figure out who and what I am. I DO know that I'm not ashamed of my past. I'm not to blame for the things that have happened to me. I will NOT allow other people to shame me into submission!!! I am strong. I am honest. I am transparent......and I just might not be able to change that. Interesting.
Take a deep breath......it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Bittersweet warm fuzzies
Well, it's here. Today is the day. From the outside, to your average observer, I'm sure it looks like any other day of the year. It's a unseasonably warm autumn day. The air is crisp and full of excitement. Children everywhere are eager to set out and get treats and do some tricks. Yes, today is Halloween!
Halloween has always been warm and sweet for me. I have fond memories of parties with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Eddie. They always did wonderful things for children; theirs and their adopted ones (like me), with no favoritism or biased. We bobbed for apples. I was never successful at this task and truthfully dreaded it every year, but, it always meant that the pinata was coming next. I endured it. We were then unleashed on the poor paper mache' animal. We'd beat the bloody hell out of it, excited to be the one who'd crack it open. It always held delicious sweets and goodies. I remember the smell of the fall leaves as they blew across the front lawn while we'd eat the sweets that we'd worked so hard to get. I can see the stars as they twinkled over our heads. I was too young to really appreciate what an amazing time this was. How innocent and simple. I remember the awesome costumes that their family had. Always better than my store bought one, because they're Mom had made theirs with love. I remember feeling cheated some how because my costume was mere plastic, whilst theirs felt whole somehow. More complete. More real.
Now, I'm the mom who can't sew a stitch. I have to look around at my children's friends and notice the ones who's mom's really can sew. I see their sweet costumes and it takes me right back to Corpus Christi, TX, 1978. I pray that my children don't feel unloved due to my lack of seamstress skills. Thankfully, I have a sister whom CAN sew. She's made several costumes for my children and for that I am eternally grateful.
Today is Halloween and it's the beginning of new traditions for us. This past year has been a year of change for me and one of those changes is with whom I'm spending my time. I've lost some friends and made some new ones, too. I was invited to, and attended a wonderful party at a "new friends" house. New. Yet, I've spent this day, Halloween, with a certain friend for a decade. We've shared our traditions with each others families for ten long years. Meaningful. We will not be sharing today with them. I won't see her children's costumes. Oh, I'll probably see some photos on Facebook. Hollow. We won't try hard to remember who walked with the kids last year....the men or the women? We won't be pouring a dozen glasses of Bailey's and hot cocoa. We won't be dishing out bowl after bowl of chicken noodle soup. No....this year, I'm making the soup alone. I'm drinking the hot cocoa and Bailey's with my husband. I'm handing out candy at my house. For the first time in a decade. I'm excited to see the little trick or treaters. Happy to be there for them and their family traditions.
I will also be letting go. It's with a deep breath and much prayer that I send my children out to trick or treat in the neighborhood alone, for the first time. Double gulp. My eldest is quite old enough to walk around and ring a few bells and collect some candy, yet..........I feel cheated somehow. How did this happen? How did she grow up so fast? How is it that she wants to be with her friends more than she wants to be with me? When did she stop needing me? When did that tradition see it's last sunrise? How did I miss it? Was I looking in the wrong direction? Clearly. Was I so busy fretting over who's who and what's what and trying to detoxify my life, that I missed it entirely? Perhaps.
Is it also possible that somewhere along the way I learned how to be a better mother? Gasp! Have I finally figured out that the best part of MY Halloween memories were the ones that I spent with my friends!! I can't honestly remember my mom even being with me on a Halloween. Not one. But, I can remember my friends. I remember the fun, the fancy, the fantasy of it all. Magical. So, today is the day. I'm content with my lot. I'm proud of my children. I'm happy with my self. I'm thrilled with my marriage. I have good, honest, considerate, loving friends. If today is my new beginning then, so be it. I'm ready.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Halloween has always been warm and sweet for me. I have fond memories of parties with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Eddie. They always did wonderful things for children; theirs and their adopted ones (like me), with no favoritism or biased. We bobbed for apples. I was never successful at this task and truthfully dreaded it every year, but, it always meant that the pinata was coming next. I endured it. We were then unleashed on the poor paper mache' animal. We'd beat the bloody hell out of it, excited to be the one who'd crack it open. It always held delicious sweets and goodies. I remember the smell of the fall leaves as they blew across the front lawn while we'd eat the sweets that we'd worked so hard to get. I can see the stars as they twinkled over our heads. I was too young to really appreciate what an amazing time this was. How innocent and simple. I remember the awesome costumes that their family had. Always better than my store bought one, because they're Mom had made theirs with love. I remember feeling cheated some how because my costume was mere plastic, whilst theirs felt whole somehow. More complete. More real.
Now, I'm the mom who can't sew a stitch. I have to look around at my children's friends and notice the ones who's mom's really can sew. I see their sweet costumes and it takes me right back to Corpus Christi, TX, 1978. I pray that my children don't feel unloved due to my lack of seamstress skills. Thankfully, I have a sister whom CAN sew. She's made several costumes for my children and for that I am eternally grateful.
Today is Halloween and it's the beginning of new traditions for us. This past year has been a year of change for me and one of those changes is with whom I'm spending my time. I've lost some friends and made some new ones, too. I was invited to, and attended a wonderful party at a "new friends" house. New. Yet, I've spent this day, Halloween, with a certain friend for a decade. We've shared our traditions with each others families for ten long years. Meaningful. We will not be sharing today with them. I won't see her children's costumes. Oh, I'll probably see some photos on Facebook. Hollow. We won't try hard to remember who walked with the kids last year....the men or the women? We won't be pouring a dozen glasses of Bailey's and hot cocoa. We won't be dishing out bowl after bowl of chicken noodle soup. No....this year, I'm making the soup alone. I'm drinking the hot cocoa and Bailey's with my husband. I'm handing out candy at my house. For the first time in a decade. I'm excited to see the little trick or treaters. Happy to be there for them and their family traditions.
I will also be letting go. It's with a deep breath and much prayer that I send my children out to trick or treat in the neighborhood alone, for the first time. Double gulp. My eldest is quite old enough to walk around and ring a few bells and collect some candy, yet..........I feel cheated somehow. How did this happen? How did she grow up so fast? How is it that she wants to be with her friends more than she wants to be with me? When did she stop needing me? When did that tradition see it's last sunrise? How did I miss it? Was I looking in the wrong direction? Clearly. Was I so busy fretting over who's who and what's what and trying to detoxify my life, that I missed it entirely? Perhaps.
Is it also possible that somewhere along the way I learned how to be a better mother? Gasp! Have I finally figured out that the best part of MY Halloween memories were the ones that I spent with my friends!! I can't honestly remember my mom even being with me on a Halloween. Not one. But, I can remember my friends. I remember the fun, the fancy, the fantasy of it all. Magical. So, today is the day. I'm content with my lot. I'm proud of my children. I'm happy with my self. I'm thrilled with my marriage. I have good, honest, considerate, loving friends. If today is my new beginning then, so be it. I'm ready.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Are you an "Alpha"?
Are you the kind of person who doesn't take "no" for an answer? Are you the kind of person who always "gets your way"? Are you able to force your will down peoples throats? Are you unable to see past your own desires to notice the "little guys' throat you're standing on? Wait. This took an ugly turn, didn't it?
I'm challenging all you "Alphas" out there.......is THAT what you really are? Or are you.....well, to put it simply just a bitch? (Still the "top dog" in my book!!)
I want you to really stop and take a long, hard look at yourself. Do you stomp all over other people? Is it hard for you to listen to criticism? Even harder to acknowledge that you're.....gulp....wrong? Are you so busy pointing out every one else's flaws that you fail to notice your own? I ask you........could this be your defense mechanism?
Is it possible that, under al that tough bitchy exterior, you're really just scared? Terrified that someone might get 'inside' and hurt you? Or worse.....oh no.......see that you're just as fucked up as the rest of us!!! Blasphemy, I know.
I've really had the occasion recently, to take a step back. Look at the people in my life through new eyes; clearer eyes. Let's say that I've had "lasik" on my "persona viewing system. What a view it is!!! I've come to see that, those people whom I earlier thought of as "tough as nails" and "uber confident" aren't really either one. I've noticed that those of us that, some would call "wimps", couldn't been further from reality. I've started to notice the nuance of words. Behaviors. Call it wisdom. Call if intuition. Call if perception. Call it bullshit. I really don't care.
There. I said it. I.....shocking news to some......don't care what you think. Now, this really is new!! Usually, I'm NOT the Alpha. No one would accuse me of being pushy, or "in your face". I'm quite the people pleaser. The "yes" woman. My "lasik" has made it clear to me, that this was MY defense mechanism. I want to be liked. I want you to like me. Hell, I want EVERYONE to like me. Or, at least I did. Now, I can honestly say......let me clear my throat for this one......'I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT IF YOU LIKE ME!!" Woo-hoo!!!! That was liberating. And also........a total lie. Of course, I care if you like me, I've just stopped letting, whether or not everyone likes me, all the time, be the deciding factor on how my day goes. Or week. Hell, month! I used to go on and on about how unfair it is that those "Alpha Bitches" didn't understand me; didn't know me; didn't WANT to know me. Now, I'm thankful. You see, "AB" (Alpha Bitchiness) is contagious. Supremely so.
"AB" rubs off on us non-Alphas. It's funny really. The carriers of "AB", don't WANT you to get it because then, well, let's be honest......you just might over bitch them. You might cause a revolt and take over their "AB" carrier position. Unheard of!!! But, when anyone spends any amount of time with a "AB" carrier, they can't help but get infected. I found myself starting to hate my life. Strange? I found myself feeling less than adequate at.......well, everything. A sure sign of "AB" syndrome. Ironically enough, I couldn't get enough "ABS" (Alpha Bitch Syndrome, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet......). Interesting? It was like I needed to be infected with more every single day. I didn't know who I was without a bit of that ABS running through my system. Scary.
Now, those of you who might be carriers of "ABS", I suppose the real question is this......do you even care? I would wager, not so much. This is the next thing that I've noticed: ABSC (Alpha Bitch Sydrome Carriers.....isn't this fun??) don't care who they infect. All they care about is the never ending supply of people, waiting in line to be infected. See, for whatever reason ABSC's seem to be irresistible to us non-ABSC's. We seek them out, every bit as much as they seek us out. A moth to the flame, perhaps? See non-ABSC's see the ABSC as strong and independent and we see ourselves as pathetic and wishy washy and weak. Now....hmmmm......let's stop an analyze this for a minute. Is any part of that feeling, true? You bet your sweet ass it is. ABSC's are confident. Overly so, usually. Non-ABSC's are wishy washy. We do FEEL pathetic because we're conditioned by, wait for it....ABSC's to believe that we ARE pathetic. And round and round we go, ladies!! Now, does the carrier care what carnage is left over after they've infected a non-ABSC and then moved on to their next victim? Doubtful.
The ABSC is so trained to just keep on, keepin' on, that they don't usually stop and recognize their own pattern. After all, the Alpha is an Alpha for a reason. Take no prisoners. Make no apologies, right? When was the last time you saw an Alpha Wolf feel badly for making the kill? Yeah, right?! I ask you though, is THAT how you want to be known? Is being so tough that you never get hurt really the answer? Is seeing people as disposable or, at a minimum easily replaced, a good thing? Don't you just want to drop that heavy load you're carrying? Wouldn't it be nice to just sit back and let someone truly, really, deeply openly know and love you? Without being afraid of how vulnerable that makes you? Without having to ruin that person, because they just might hurt you first or worse even, tell someone that you're flawed, too? Couldn't you see the ABSC as All the Bull Shit I'm Carrying? (Did you like that one???)
Now, I realize that this is a suggestion coming from the "weaker" Non-ABSC and that that in and of itself might turn you off to taking the advice, but, don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it for your daughters. Let other women know that you can be cured of ABSC and move on. It's not too late.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
I'm challenging all you "Alphas" out there.......is THAT what you really are? Or are you.....well, to put it simply just a bitch? (Still the "top dog" in my book!!)
I want you to really stop and take a long, hard look at yourself. Do you stomp all over other people? Is it hard for you to listen to criticism? Even harder to acknowledge that you're.....gulp....wrong? Are you so busy pointing out every one else's flaws that you fail to notice your own? I ask you........could this be your defense mechanism?
Is it possible that, under al that tough bitchy exterior, you're really just scared? Terrified that someone might get 'inside' and hurt you? Or worse.....oh no.......see that you're just as fucked up as the rest of us!!! Blasphemy, I know.
I've really had the occasion recently, to take a step back. Look at the people in my life through new eyes; clearer eyes. Let's say that I've had "lasik" on my "persona viewing system. What a view it is!!! I've come to see that, those people whom I earlier thought of as "tough as nails" and "uber confident" aren't really either one. I've noticed that those of us that, some would call "wimps", couldn't been further from reality. I've started to notice the nuance of words. Behaviors. Call it wisdom. Call if intuition. Call if perception. Call it bullshit. I really don't care.
There. I said it. I.....shocking news to some......don't care what you think. Now, this really is new!! Usually, I'm NOT the Alpha. No one would accuse me of being pushy, or "in your face". I'm quite the people pleaser. The "yes" woman. My "lasik" has made it clear to me, that this was MY defense mechanism. I want to be liked. I want you to like me. Hell, I want EVERYONE to like me. Or, at least I did. Now, I can honestly say......let me clear my throat for this one......'I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT IF YOU LIKE ME!!" Woo-hoo!!!! That was liberating. And also........a total lie. Of course, I care if you like me, I've just stopped letting, whether or not everyone likes me, all the time, be the deciding factor on how my day goes. Or week. Hell, month! I used to go on and on about how unfair it is that those "Alpha Bitches" didn't understand me; didn't know me; didn't WANT to know me. Now, I'm thankful. You see, "AB" (Alpha Bitchiness) is contagious. Supremely so.
"AB" rubs off on us non-Alphas. It's funny really. The carriers of "AB", don't WANT you to get it because then, well, let's be honest......you just might over bitch them. You might cause a revolt and take over their "AB" carrier position. Unheard of!!! But, when anyone spends any amount of time with a "AB" carrier, they can't help but get infected. I found myself starting to hate my life. Strange? I found myself feeling less than adequate at.......well, everything. A sure sign of "AB" syndrome. Ironically enough, I couldn't get enough "ABS" (Alpha Bitch Syndrome, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet......). Interesting? It was like I needed to be infected with more every single day. I didn't know who I was without a bit of that ABS running through my system. Scary.
Now, those of you who might be carriers of "ABS", I suppose the real question is this......do you even care? I would wager, not so much. This is the next thing that I've noticed: ABSC (Alpha Bitch Sydrome Carriers.....isn't this fun??) don't care who they infect. All they care about is the never ending supply of people, waiting in line to be infected. See, for whatever reason ABSC's seem to be irresistible to us non-ABSC's. We seek them out, every bit as much as they seek us out. A moth to the flame, perhaps? See non-ABSC's see the ABSC as strong and independent and we see ourselves as pathetic and wishy washy and weak. Now....hmmmm......let's stop an analyze this for a minute. Is any part of that feeling, true? You bet your sweet ass it is. ABSC's are confident. Overly so, usually. Non-ABSC's are wishy washy. We do FEEL pathetic because we're conditioned by, wait for it....ABSC's to believe that we ARE pathetic. And round and round we go, ladies!! Now, does the carrier care what carnage is left over after they've infected a non-ABSC and then moved on to their next victim? Doubtful.
The ABSC is so trained to just keep on, keepin' on, that they don't usually stop and recognize their own pattern. After all, the Alpha is an Alpha for a reason. Take no prisoners. Make no apologies, right? When was the last time you saw an Alpha Wolf feel badly for making the kill? Yeah, right?! I ask you though, is THAT how you want to be known? Is being so tough that you never get hurt really the answer? Is seeing people as disposable or, at a minimum easily replaced, a good thing? Don't you just want to drop that heavy load you're carrying? Wouldn't it be nice to just sit back and let someone truly, really, deeply openly know and love you? Without being afraid of how vulnerable that makes you? Without having to ruin that person, because they just might hurt you first or worse even, tell someone that you're flawed, too? Couldn't you see the ABSC as All the Bull Shit I'm Carrying? (Did you like that one???)
Now, I realize that this is a suggestion coming from the "weaker" Non-ABSC and that that in and of itself might turn you off to taking the advice, but, don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it for your daughters. Let other women know that you can be cured of ABSC and move on. It's not too late.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Illness: The Healthy Persons Guide
News flash: The medical community is incompetent. Doctors don't know everything. Hell, they barely know ANYTHING. God forbid, one day....you get sick. I mean, really sick. Mysteriously sick. Inexplicably sick. Where would you end up? Who can cure you? Or maybe better yet.....Who would believe you? As surprising at it might be to y'all; that is really the million dollar question.
Primarily, if you're a woman who happens to be of "child bearing age", slightly or significantly overweight and have ANY stress in your life, you can bet that if you have to go to the doctor for ANY reason, your diagnosis will be this-----"lose some weight and take this anti-depressant". Plain and simple. Yes, I did just save you thousands of dollars and tons of painful procedures. Not to mention the time and expense and EMBARRASSMENT of having to see a doctor in the first place. But, what did I really do to you? Did I listen to you? Did I demean you? Did I ignore you? Did I oversimplify your life? Your circumstance? Did I destroy a piece of you? Did I take away your last, best hope of getting well? Yes. Yes, I did.
Here's a bit of "my story". I woke up one day and felt 'off'. No more, no less. Just off. You know the feeling; a bit fatigued, a bit achy, a bit of this a bit of that. I thought that I was getting the flu or an upper respiratory infection, because I was having some trouble breathing. I took it a bit easy and did some chores, drank a cup of coffee, took a shower and then decided to eat some lunch and maybe take a nap. I remember it like it was yesterday......I had made a sandwich, sat down on the sofa and took a bite. When I tried to swallow, I couldn't. I couldn't get the bite down. Hm? I had a glass of water, so I took a big gulp and forced it down. Thinking it was just a 'dry throat', I took another bite. This one was even harder to get down. Odd. My throat wasn't sore, just..... 'swollen'. I called my husband to see if he could think of anything that I had done that would cause a swollen throat. When I tried to talk to him, speaking for the first time all day, I didn't recognize my own voice. I sounded like a hearing impaired person. I sounded like someone who had been born deaf and had learned to speak in spite of it. Crazy. Once my husband figured out that it really was me on the phone, I tried to explain what was happening. Bordering on impossible. Combine my "new" voice with the bizarre symptoms and I FELT crazy. I didn't need anyone to make that OBVIOUS assessment. This WAS crazy.
As each new day dawned, I got worse. I ended up being unable to get out of bed for more than a few hours at a time. Perfect for a stay at home mom. NOT! I started having more and more trouble breathing, walking, speaking, eating, holding my own urine and maintaining my body temperature. I would run high fevers for days and weeks on end, without relief from OTC medication. I would become so fatigued from just ordinary, basic things. I couldn't take my girls to the mall or the pool or the zoo. When I would force myself to do these things, I would "pay for it" for days to follow. My friends couldn't understand why I couldn't do all of the things that I had been able to do, just weeks prior. I had been placed on steroids, in an attempt to open up my airway. Perfect for a woman who's already heavy. But, I was willing to do anything. Take anything in order to feel better. I was tossed from one "ologist" to another with little regard for the emotional or financial implications.
I was diagnosed by the "best of the best" in "their field" with several life altering, and sometimes ending. conditions. I was treated for these diseases and usually had some level of improvement. Not ever 100%, but, I always felt a bit more normal. That is in every way but MENTALLY.
I had been drug through the mud by these "wonderful" doctors, along the way. I had lost friends on this journey, because they couldn't stand the diagnosis and MIS-diagnosis. I think that they thought that I was somehow lying to them when I told them "Today I have Condition A and then tomorrow it was "Well, now they think that it's Condition B." I'm not an idiot. I know how that must have sounded. However, make no mistake I WAS DIAGNOSED A LOT!!! At what point, was that EVER my fault? My doing? MY lie? Wasn't I being lied to? When did I ever WANT to be sick? Oh yeah....fucking never! Not one day of it. Yet, somehow, we blame the patient for the medical communities inability to come to a correct, if not a reasonably so, conclusion. Somewhere along the way, I became a villain. I became a freak. A pariah. Being forced to go from one specialist to another made me appear, to the medical world and to MY world, like I was desperately seeking attention. When, in fact, I just wanted to feel better.
Imagine if you can, not having one supporter in the world. All the while you're quite certain that you're slowly dying. You've never felt sicker; or been more alone. THAT is what happens to someone when they have a rare medical condition or worse.....several medical conditions. See, the medical world wants us all to believe that we all fit into these neat little categories and----if you're REALLY sick, well, by God they're GOING to find that illness and make it all go away. Total. Complete. Bullshit. I was utterly alone. Utterly sick. At my wits end. My "friends" were few and far between and even the ones who were there, talked badly about me behind my back. Throwing around accusations and nasty comments, like I would be none the wiser. Again, I'm not an idiot. I'm also quite sure that somewhere in "my permanent medical record" were terms like "hypochondriac" or "severely depressed", etc. How sabotaging is that? Once a doctor reads the previous doctors notes, they have little time or interest in making a "real" diagnosis. The patient is eternally screwed!!! I was an island. Persistently ignored and laughed at. Constantly, alone and isolated and really, truly sick. Terrifying.
I waited. Patiently and impatiently for someone, anyone to hear me. To see me. To acknowledge that something was wrong with me. Now, don't get me wrong, I had dozens of tests that showed abnormalities. I clearly had a heart condition. Not life threatening or surgical, so I was dismissed by the cardiologist. I clearly had brain lesions, but, not "enough" of them for the neurologists to diagnose me with MS. Even, though it runs in my family. I had several blood "anomalies"; too much of this hormone or chemical, not enough of another, crazy high level of "fighting" white blood cells. Again, nothing diagnostically "high" or "low" enough. Clearly a war was being fought inside of me, yet no one knew who was fighting or what they were fighting for!! Frustrating.
After years and thousands upon thousands of dollars, I gave up. Yep. I had lost everything. My friends, my self respect, my savings, the respect of anyone who knew me, my credibility with anyone with an M.D. after their name and eventually, I too, questioned my sanity. I prayed that I was just crazy. I had taken every anti-depressant known to man. No success. I just-----stopped. I just ceased the search. I didn't care anymore. I prayed for death. At least it would be over then. Horrible.
Months passed by and nothing changed. Then, the phone rang and my doctor of a decade was on the other end. He had noticed a result on one of my blood tests that could hold the key to it all. It was a simple (okay, NOT so simple) vitamin deficiency. He thought that if I started taking injections, that I might see some improvement. I jumped at the chance. I started injecting myself right away and within a few days, I noticed some improvement. I could swallow better. I could think more clearly. I wasn't as exhausted. And slowly but surely, I did improve. Now, some damage has already been done and I will never be 100% again, but, I did become more "myself" than I had been in several years. Life altering!
Once these "odd" symptoms were dealt with I was still left with other things, but, these things were more clear and easier to diagnose. I wasn't viewed as a crazy lady anymore. Funny. I'm still of "child bearing age, over weight and yes, even a woman", yet, I'm SEEN now. I'm no longer invisible. I am, however, several friends lighter. I am, however, more careful about whom I share my troubles with. I too, don't let the world tell me that there's "nothing wrong", when I know for damn sure that there is. Funny thing. Had this vitamin deficiency not been treated, I would have gotten my wish. I would have died. No more. No less. Hm? What's the moral of my story, you might ask..............
Be careful with yourself. Be careful with your friends and family. Listen to yourself. Listen (and believe) your friends. God forbid, one of those bitchy ex-freinds of mine, ever become "undiagnosably" (new word of the day.....well, it SHOULD be a word) ill. Who'll be there for them? Who'll be there for you?
Take a deep breath......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
Primarily, if you're a woman who happens to be of "child bearing age", slightly or significantly overweight and have ANY stress in your life, you can bet that if you have to go to the doctor for ANY reason, your diagnosis will be this-----"lose some weight and take this anti-depressant". Plain and simple. Yes, I did just save you thousands of dollars and tons of painful procedures. Not to mention the time and expense and EMBARRASSMENT of having to see a doctor in the first place. But, what did I really do to you? Did I listen to you? Did I demean you? Did I ignore you? Did I oversimplify your life? Your circumstance? Did I destroy a piece of you? Did I take away your last, best hope of getting well? Yes. Yes, I did.
Here's a bit of "my story". I woke up one day and felt 'off'. No more, no less. Just off. You know the feeling; a bit fatigued, a bit achy, a bit of this a bit of that. I thought that I was getting the flu or an upper respiratory infection, because I was having some trouble breathing. I took it a bit easy and did some chores, drank a cup of coffee, took a shower and then decided to eat some lunch and maybe take a nap. I remember it like it was yesterday......I had made a sandwich, sat down on the sofa and took a bite. When I tried to swallow, I couldn't. I couldn't get the bite down. Hm? I had a glass of water, so I took a big gulp and forced it down. Thinking it was just a 'dry throat', I took another bite. This one was even harder to get down. Odd. My throat wasn't sore, just..... 'swollen'. I called my husband to see if he could think of anything that I had done that would cause a swollen throat. When I tried to talk to him, speaking for the first time all day, I didn't recognize my own voice. I sounded like a hearing impaired person. I sounded like someone who had been born deaf and had learned to speak in spite of it. Crazy. Once my husband figured out that it really was me on the phone, I tried to explain what was happening. Bordering on impossible. Combine my "new" voice with the bizarre symptoms and I FELT crazy. I didn't need anyone to make that OBVIOUS assessment. This WAS crazy.
As each new day dawned, I got worse. I ended up being unable to get out of bed for more than a few hours at a time. Perfect for a stay at home mom. NOT! I started having more and more trouble breathing, walking, speaking, eating, holding my own urine and maintaining my body temperature. I would run high fevers for days and weeks on end, without relief from OTC medication. I would become so fatigued from just ordinary, basic things. I couldn't take my girls to the mall or the pool or the zoo. When I would force myself to do these things, I would "pay for it" for days to follow. My friends couldn't understand why I couldn't do all of the things that I had been able to do, just weeks prior. I had been placed on steroids, in an attempt to open up my airway. Perfect for a woman who's already heavy. But, I was willing to do anything. Take anything in order to feel better. I was tossed from one "ologist" to another with little regard for the emotional or financial implications.
I was diagnosed by the "best of the best" in "their field" with several life altering, and sometimes ending. conditions. I was treated for these diseases and usually had some level of improvement. Not ever 100%, but, I always felt a bit more normal. That is in every way but MENTALLY.
I had been drug through the mud by these "wonderful" doctors, along the way. I had lost friends on this journey, because they couldn't stand the diagnosis and MIS-diagnosis. I think that they thought that I was somehow lying to them when I told them "Today I have Condition A and then tomorrow it was "Well, now they think that it's Condition B." I'm not an idiot. I know how that must have sounded. However, make no mistake I WAS DIAGNOSED A LOT!!! At what point, was that EVER my fault? My doing? MY lie? Wasn't I being lied to? When did I ever WANT to be sick? Oh yeah....fucking never! Not one day of it. Yet, somehow, we blame the patient for the medical communities inability to come to a correct, if not a reasonably so, conclusion. Somewhere along the way, I became a villain. I became a freak. A pariah. Being forced to go from one specialist to another made me appear, to the medical world and to MY world, like I was desperately seeking attention. When, in fact, I just wanted to feel better.
Imagine if you can, not having one supporter in the world. All the while you're quite certain that you're slowly dying. You've never felt sicker; or been more alone. THAT is what happens to someone when they have a rare medical condition or worse.....several medical conditions. See, the medical world wants us all to believe that we all fit into these neat little categories and----if you're REALLY sick, well, by God they're GOING to find that illness and make it all go away. Total. Complete. Bullshit. I was utterly alone. Utterly sick. At my wits end. My "friends" were few and far between and even the ones who were there, talked badly about me behind my back. Throwing around accusations and nasty comments, like I would be none the wiser. Again, I'm not an idiot. I'm also quite sure that somewhere in "my permanent medical record" were terms like "hypochondriac" or "severely depressed", etc. How sabotaging is that? Once a doctor reads the previous doctors notes, they have little time or interest in making a "real" diagnosis. The patient is eternally screwed!!! I was an island. Persistently ignored and laughed at. Constantly, alone and isolated and really, truly sick. Terrifying.
I waited. Patiently and impatiently for someone, anyone to hear me. To see me. To acknowledge that something was wrong with me. Now, don't get me wrong, I had dozens of tests that showed abnormalities. I clearly had a heart condition. Not life threatening or surgical, so I was dismissed by the cardiologist. I clearly had brain lesions, but, not "enough" of them for the neurologists to diagnose me with MS. Even, though it runs in my family. I had several blood "anomalies"; too much of this hormone or chemical, not enough of another, crazy high level of "fighting" white blood cells. Again, nothing diagnostically "high" or "low" enough. Clearly a war was being fought inside of me, yet no one knew who was fighting or what they were fighting for!! Frustrating.
After years and thousands upon thousands of dollars, I gave up. Yep. I had lost everything. My friends, my self respect, my savings, the respect of anyone who knew me, my credibility with anyone with an M.D. after their name and eventually, I too, questioned my sanity. I prayed that I was just crazy. I had taken every anti-depressant known to man. No success. I just-----stopped. I just ceased the search. I didn't care anymore. I prayed for death. At least it would be over then. Horrible.
Months passed by and nothing changed. Then, the phone rang and my doctor of a decade was on the other end. He had noticed a result on one of my blood tests that could hold the key to it all. It was a simple (okay, NOT so simple) vitamin deficiency. He thought that if I started taking injections, that I might see some improvement. I jumped at the chance. I started injecting myself right away and within a few days, I noticed some improvement. I could swallow better. I could think more clearly. I wasn't as exhausted. And slowly but surely, I did improve. Now, some damage has already been done and I will never be 100% again, but, I did become more "myself" than I had been in several years. Life altering!
Once these "odd" symptoms were dealt with I was still left with other things, but, these things were more clear and easier to diagnose. I wasn't viewed as a crazy lady anymore. Funny. I'm still of "child bearing age, over weight and yes, even a woman", yet, I'm SEEN now. I'm no longer invisible. I am, however, several friends lighter. I am, however, more careful about whom I share my troubles with. I too, don't let the world tell me that there's "nothing wrong", when I know for damn sure that there is. Funny thing. Had this vitamin deficiency not been treated, I would have gotten my wish. I would have died. No more. No less. Hm? What's the moral of my story, you might ask..............
Be careful with yourself. Be careful with your friends and family. Listen to yourself. Listen (and believe) your friends. God forbid, one of those bitchy ex-freinds of mine, ever become "undiagnosably" (new word of the day.....well, it SHOULD be a word) ill. Who'll be there for them? Who'll be there for you?
Take a deep breath......it's just another day in Perfect!!!
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