I'm wondering....(shocking, I know) if the way we are, as in kindness, cruelty, bluntness, honesty, tactfulness, shyness, etc. is all innate. Are they all birth defects? Are we just preprogrammed, in the womb as to how we will react to things? I know what you're thinking; this is the same old nature vs. nurture question that has been raging for years. You'd be right. However, this is my own personal perspective on it and what I've really started to notice as I've been searching for my path in life. Whilst I've been making new friends and saying good bye to the old ones, I've been clearly and painfully aware of a few key things about people. 1) I'm not sure that people really have any hope of changing their brains reaction to things, myself included. Hell, maybe MYSELF mostly! 2) I'm also not sure that people really WANT to change. I think that most people think that "they're way" is the "right way". Again, I hold myself in this category as I do you.
I've noticed lately, in particular that people seem unable to empathize with others very well. Now, if this was one of your birth defects, as it was for me, then you might empathize too much. Which is worse? Which is more annoying? Which is better? Which is easier to get along with? Ah, empathy. That all important (to me) trait. This one means the MOST to me personally, because I believe that it allows a person to really understand where someone else is coming from. Not on a superficial "Oh, yeah, I totally know what you mean." but rather on a "I truly feel your pain." kind of level. Herein lies the rub. For the empathetic person, you tend to take on more of someone's pain than is advisable. I, myself, find that I FEEL things much more clearly than others around me. This, of course, makes me appear overly sensitive or, GASP, dramatic. Now, if everyone was empathetic, they would know that I'm just relating to my surrounding on a deeply emotional level. So, for all of my less than extremely empathetic friends, this is why I behave the way I do sometimes. It's as inconceivable to you as you, unempathetic people, are to me. It's not lost on me that empathetic ends in "pathetic". I've had to see this particular birth defect as a strength. I chose to accept this trait and love it about myself. I am tender hearted and that's okay.
Another observation I've made is about those of you who speak your mind. Wow. I'm jealous. When something happens to you and you have a reaction occur in your brain, boy, you just spit it out. No holds barred. If people are going to love you then, by God, they're going to love all of you. Amazing. I can honestly say that this is one of the birth defects that I wish I was born with! Having said that, I can also appreciate that this trait must get y'all into trouble sometimes. I wonder what it would be like to be in the moment and feel like "Hey, you've crossed the line and pissed me off. Shut up. You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. I refuse to let you speak to me that way." and actually SAY it. Staggering. I've also seen it in action to the contrary. There are times when you should just take your own advise and shut the hell up, yourself. Being lippy and cruel to people that you barely know or just saying whatever you think to someone you allegedly love, is inexcusable at times. Although, I envy your strength I believe that sometimes, just sometimes, it should to be tapered. With great power, comes great responsibility and I believe that this birth defect is a great power. Use is wisely, y'all.
Alas, I've also noticed that judgement seems to come as a birth defect, too. Those of you who have been blessed with the innate ability to see everyone elses shortcomings and call them out, in order of importance are, well, shall I call it, interesting to me. I try very hard to see where someone is coming from, PRIOR to making any snap judgements. (See above- empathy birth defect.) Am I without judgements? Of course not. I am afraid of certain people on sight, whether rationally or irrationally. That is, in itself, a judgement. Although, that's not really what I'm getting at here. I'm talking about those folks who just "know" every flaw in every person they meet. Those folks can see me coming a mile away! My flaws are rather apparent. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this offends many people. Ironically enough, these folks generally have the lippy birth defect in spades and lack the empathetic defect. So, of course, they have LOTS to say about me. Now, it's not always TOO me. These folks can sometimes, also have the gossip birth defect, but I get ahead of myself. I've been guilty of hearing something said about someone and jumping on the bandwagon to put them down myself. I'm not proud of myself. I'm just being transparent. I wonder why it is that some people seem to really JUDGE everyone? I believe that it's a birth defect because even once it's been pointed out to them they are unable to curb the behavior. Nature or nurture? Who knows for sure?
One of my favorites---kindness. I've been lucky enough to have met several kind people recently. Kindness is sometimes seen as a weakness or a flaw in people. I rather like it. I like it when people reach out to others. I like it when people are somewhat open and gentle with me. I love the random act of kindness. I try to engage in them as often as possible. These small, seemingly insignificant acts, can change peoples lives. I've learned, years later, that something kind that I had done, truly kept someone from ending their life. Heart stopping. We've all also seen what being cruel can do to people. I mention these two birth defects together because I feel like, maybe, they're the flip side of the same coin. Being kind or being cruel, both are life altering for those around you. I also believe that it can be a cancer to you or a tonic. Cruelty will eat away at you and kindness, I believe can heal you. I'm not sure that people have the ability to change this either. Sad to say, I'm learning that you're either born kind or born cruel. Compelling.
Gossip. Enough said.
So where does this leave us? Are we all hopelessly slaves to our birth defects? Perhaps. I'm sorry to say that I've just really started to believe that people don't change. For the good and the bad. Maybe, in the end, it's all for the best. At least you know what you're "going to get" when dealing with someone. You'll eventually know how they'll react to each situation. You then, can anticipate what to do with them and what to leave them out of. Maybe, it's a good thing; people being predictable. I suppose that I'm learning to find it comforting. I EXPECT certain people to react to me harshly. I'm not shocked. I EXPECT a few people to be kind hearted and empathetic to me. Those are the ones I reach out to. Reassuring. I appreciate KNOWING how each of you will react to this posting.
Look around. Really take notice of who's in your life. Notice which "birth defects" they have. Accept them for who they are. Utilize their birth traits. Let those wonderfully honestly blunt people call you on your crap. Listen to them. Try to not take it personally. That's their gift. Be gentle with the kind hearted person. They just might save your life one day. Be slow to judge; if you can. Be quick to listen. I can empathize with how hard it all is.
Take a deep breath........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
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