I'm nearly 40. Not yet, but, very nearly there. I'm looking forward to it. I know that that isn't normally what women say, but, it's true for me. I looked forward to turning 30, as well. Now before you call the luny bin and tell them to come and take me away, let me explain.
I find that the older I get the BETTER I get. The MORE I understand about myself, the world, people and the way that things are, in general. I LOVE being able to look back at my past and say "Yep, I was an idiot then, but, WOW am I SO much smarter now!" L-O-V-E it. I like that the world takes me more seriously now. Let's face it, the only person who thinks that you're the wisest person in the room when your twenty something, is you. The "older, wiser" crowd can actually SEE through your eyes. They can remember making similar mistakes. We know what you don't. You don't know shit. You will also look back one day and realize this embarrassing fact. But, I say--to hell with being embarrassed about it. Live it. Live it out loud. Know what you know (or think you do) when you know it. Be proud of where you are.
I can't even imagine lying about my age. Why would I? I mean, come on.....I'm not exactly HOT for 38, I would be dreadful if I told people that I was only 30. I've heard of other women lying about their age; sticking at one age for a few years. To hell with that. I embrace each birthday with zest. It always brings new discoveries about myself. I can, honestly say that my 38th year has taught me a lot. More than I ever would have expected. Now, for those of you that have actually read my blog the whole way through, you'll know that all of these lessons haven't been pleasant ones. Most of them have been hard. Painful. Hurtful experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). Look at me, though. I survived. Hell, more than that, I blossomed. I learned that I don't need anyone in my life to make me whole. Now, that sounds basic, but, I know, for me, that when I was 20-something, I didn't feel that way. Hell, when I was 37, I didn't REALLY feel that way. I couldn't imagine my life without certain people in it. Furthermore, I did imagine my life WITH those people in it, when I was 80. I could see it. Clear as day. We'd still be doing the same old shit. Hanging out, as grannies. But, it wasn't meant to be. Now, a year ago, I might have told you that that would be impossible. Or that it would destroy me. Now, I know. Neither one of those things were true. It was very possible and look around, I'm still here!!
I also had to stand up for myself in new and challenging ways. Cutting the cord between child and mother isn't always easy. Scratch that. It's ALWAYS hard. No matter who does it. When, why or how permanently. It sucks. Brutally. I had to make the difficult choice of removing my mother and step father from my life. Point blank. It's an incredibly unhealthy relationship. I had to PRETEND to be something I'm not. Now, I was up for that for the first 37 years of my life. For what ever reason, unbeknownst to me even to this day, I just woke up one day and couldn't be a faker anymore. I wrote a long letter, explaining myself and mailed that sucker. Scary as that was, it was also liberating. It was my first step to taking back MY life. MY identity. MY sense of self worth. Even today, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't take it back. I also know, that I would never had the balls to do it, if I were merely 25.
I love that I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I'm fat. Plain and simple. But, you know what.? That's okay. I mean, I would like to be smaller, but, if I'm not......Oh well! I've started to surround myself with people who don't judge me. Who love me, for who I am, right now. They're not constantly trying to change me. Not just my weight but me. The real essence of who I am, is okay with them. They LIKE me. I LIKE them. They LOVE me. I LOVE them. It's all very lovely and warm and safe. Again, I don't think that I was ready for a full blown adult friendship with these women until now. I needed to see how bad, bad really is. I needed to feel what it feels like when people say that they're your friend, but, in fact, are not. I now appreciate these lovely women. I respect them. I can truly be their friend. Openly. Honestly and without fear or anxiety. Two years ago, this was impossible.
I like who I am now. I like that I know for SURE that I still have a long way to go. I like that I not only KNOW that, but, that I truly can't wait to learn whatever this life brings to me. I love all you twenty somethings with all of my heart, but, I wouldn't trade you and go back there, if you paid me. A LOT. I'm secure. And that my friends-------is priceless.
Take a deep breath y'all............it's just another day in Perfect!!!
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