So, I'm transparent. Not as in, insignificant, rather.....I tell everyone---EVERYTHING. Not just here, but, in "real life", too. I tend to over tell things. I tell people things that they don't want to know. I tell them things that they don't care about. I tell people every little flaw and triumph and even when I stub my big toe. Lately, I've been asked to examine that quality in myself.
Is it strength or a weakness? I've become obsessed with figuring it out. Here's my answer---yes. Indeed, it is both. People feel comfortable telling me their "stuff" BECAUSE I'm safe. I won't tell your secrets, if for no other reason than, you know mine. I believe, however, that it's more than that. People feel that they can trust me to understand where it is that they're coming from. I don't judge. I rarely am shocked. I'm compassionate and empathetic. People feel UN-comfortable talking to me because they don't know how to "take me". They're not sure if they should believe what I'm telling them. Most people aren't used to others being so "open" with delicate or painful topics. Most people like to hide their "scars". MOST people don't want you to know that they're flawed or damaged.
So, here's the catch 22. How can I tell the difference between the two? How can I know, ahead of time, who the ones are that are going to be made uncomfortable by my openness and the ones who are going to feel at ease BECAUSE I'm willing to open up about my own "garbage"? Bottom line.....I can't. So, I've lost people in my life because I thought that they were one way and, in fact, they were 'the other'. I've driven good people away because I've given too much information, too soon. I've made new friends quickly, too. Being able to reassure them that they are NOT alone in their "stories". I'm able to listen, without judgement and sometimes, that's really all that people need. It's healing. Comforting.
Then, there's the worst of all scenarios.......I've lost people that I've loved dearly because, in the end, the OTHER people in our lives (mutual friends) just don't know how to deal with my personality. I've also opened my big ass mouth and hurt people by, inadvertently, telling their secrets. Now, hear me out here....this was NEVER done to be hurtful or mean. Circumstances have presented themselves in which, I've really had no choice. Life or death, shall we say? (No....really. I was THAT intense.) So, where does that leave me? Apologizing is hardly enough. Trying to explain myself, rarely seems to help. People are going to do what they're going to do. I have about as much control over that as you do, yet.....I always wish that I could explain it "correctly". I truly, deeply feel that if I could just "say the right words", be reassuring enough, sorry enough, HONEST enough, surely they'll understand. Naive? Maybe.
Now, I've been asked to examine this quality in myself. In part, due to the loss of someone that I loved. In part, because I've hurt people, unintentionally. Here's what I know for sure, after all this introspection.....I am who I am. However, I need to TRY to restrain myself. I AM working on keeping my big mouth shut. I'm striving to be more closed off. Private. As strange as that sounds, especially to me......it "feels" like the right choice. So, when I've met new people, I've been quiet. I've listened more and talked less. I've been scared, really. Terrified, to open up. I'm anxious about what they would think of me. Either way. Are they going to think that I'm a bitch BECAUSE I'm so quiet? Are they going to think that I'm standoffish? A snob? Am I going to seem like I'm hiding something because I share so little? This is the struggle of the compulsively honest person. When to speak up and when to shut up? Dilemma.
It hasn't been easy. It feels like I'm holding my breath all the time. It feels unnatural. Foreign. I'm worried that I'm not me anymore. I worried that I'm becoming jaded, closed off, uncompassionate. I'm worried that I've been hurt so badly that I'm just protecting myself now and that I'm going to stop caring about other people. I'm worried that, well......I'm losing myself. That I'm letting the people who really don't even know or understand me take precedence over those people who really did (and hopefully still do) love me for who and what I am. What to do, what to do?????
I want to show my girls that being honest is a good thing. I want them to know that it's the best policy, but, more than that....that being 100% WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE IS NOT ONLY OKAY BUT WONDERFUL!! Glorious. To be celebrated. I want them to never be ashamed of who they are. I want them to own their scars as well as their "gold stars". Why would I ever ask them to be disingenuous to themselves? Why? Well, maybe because I'm not living the life. I'm not walking the walk, but just talking the talk. I'm preaching to them, something I'm not willing to believe in myself. I can't think of worse thing to do to my children. I'm robbing them of their truth. I'm robing them of MY truth.
I suppose this leaves me at an impasse. I suppose that I'll keep searching for the balance between completely transparent and comfortably aloof. I suppose that I'm still trying to figure out who and what I am. I DO know that I'm not ashamed of my past. I'm not to blame for the things that have happened to me. I will NOT allow other people to shame me into submission!!! I am strong. I am honest. I am transparent......and I just might not be able to change that. Interesting.
Take a deep breath......it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
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