The "Weaker" Sex

I'm not sure what I'm still surprised by such nonsense, but, alas. . .I am.  I truly believe that some women have a real issue with other women.  Just in general.  Nothing specific or anything.  Just. . .well . . . they hate them.  They feel threatened or something.  I've found that some women, again not all, are weak.  Truly and unbearably weak.  Maybe, even pathetic.   

Now, before you send out the lynch mob, hear me out.  Women seem to be much more likely to turn to "the dark side" when something goes wrong.  Or even when something goes "seemingly" wrong. Hell, let's face it, even when something just doesn't go their way.  It's an adult version of a temper tantrum, in my opinion.  But, instead of these women throwing a fit - yelling, screaming, cussing and slamming shit around they. . .wait.  That's EXACTLY what they do.    See, SOME women don't know how to control themselves.  They don't know how to have adult conversations about their problems.  They like to yell.  Perhaps, they feel like the loudest person wins?  They like to deflect.  Maybe, they think if they can blame enough shit on you, then all the crap that they did wrong will some how disappear.  They like to back bite, back stab and back talk.  Wow.  I'm so proud to be part of this gender. 

Then, you have the women who "take it".  Yes, when you have someone "dishing it out", you always have to have a "taker".  Now, here again. . .we're weak.  I blog, quite frankly BECAUSE I'm scared.  Scared to confront the mean people in my life.  Scared to try and fail, yet again, at being heard.  Scared of being sucked back into relationships that, honestly,  I'm only too happy to be rid of.  Terrified of being seen as a "bitch".  So, what do I do?  Ah. . .yes. . . .I take it.  You dish it out and I'll take it.  No matter how much, how long, how stupid, how wrong, how hurtful, how insane, how petty, how manipulative, I'll take it.  Because I'm afraid.   But, how horrible is it to stay friends with someone out of fear?  About as bad as is it to stay in a marriage, out of fear.  Relationships, built on fear, are doomed to fail.  Yet, we allow ourselves to stick around and "take it" for far too long when the relationship is a "friendship".  We allow women to treat us a thousand times worse than any man ever could.  

Then, once we do find the strength to cut the ties that bind, all our fears are realized.  We're made out to be the "bad ones", take the blame, take the fall.  Our "friendly" dishers start dishing out their shit to anyone who'll listen.  We, "takers", sit back and take it.  Let it all roll out and wait for the fall out.  Wishing and hoping that, one day, the TRUTH will be heard.  But, who's truth?   The delusional women who make up their "truth" as the story unfolds?  The women who think that holding you back, somehow, makes them better?  Stronger?  More attractive?  More powerful? 

I like to believe that the truth always comes out.  The unfortunate truth is this --- somewhere between your version and my version is probably where the truth lies.  Another unfortunate truth is ----  as long as we're spending so much time and energy hurting each other; women will never be empowered to their full potential.  As long as you're spewing piss and vinegar at me, you're doing nothing but spewing.  You look like a fool.  You look like a bitch.  Why can't we spend that same amount of energy being kind to each other?  Loving each other?  Boosting each other?  Supporting each other?  It seems to me, that if we did THAT, we'd be unstoppable.  We'd ALL be better off.  One of my favorite quotes is, "You won't be punished for your anger.  You'll be punished BY your anger."  Remember that the next time that you're screaming at a woman whom you call friend. 

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!

A Bump In the Road --- AKA ---- My Path Is A Pain In the Ass!!!

What. The. Fuck?  I mean, seriously?  WTF?  I feel like someone, something is trying to tell me something but for the life of me, I can't seem to figure out what it is. 

You know how folks will say that when "God" (I use the term loosely, folks....) tries to teach you something, it starts with a whisper, a soft breeze, a glimmer.  If you don't take notice of that, it turns into a louder voice, a gust of wind, a flash of light.  If you STILL don't get it, clearly because you're a dumb ass, then you'll get a scream, a hurricane force wind and the largest solar flare in recorded history.  There are those of us, who are still so damn slow that we STILL don't get it.  For us, special people, we get a horse kick to the head, a tornado that destroys our home and a super nova.  That's where I am and to be quite honest, I'm STILL NOT GETTING IT. 

I try to be as kind and open to everyone as I can.  I don't judge.  I don't pretend to know what someone else is going through.  I only give advice if asked, directly, for it.  I love unconditionally and deeply.  Intensely, even. I care about other people's problems and mourn for their losses.  I'm as selfless as I can be while still being responsible for "my own".  My own children.  My own husband.  My own home.  My own needs.  I can be annoying, I'm sure.  I have a zillion flaws, for sure.  But, I do really TRY to keep my shit to myself.  I wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to be happy today.  To love everyone I meet today.  I smile even when it feels like my face might crack wide open, from the betrayal.  I swallow my own needs, most of the time, to allow time and energy to accommodate others.  I've finally started to stand up for myself and have a back bone; to set some limits and have some good, solid boundaries.  I've apologized for the wrongs I've done and learned from them.  I've grown and matured into, I think, a pretty good woman. 

Yet. . . .people seem to still be leaving me.  Fleeing, really.  This, folks, is my WTF?  What more can I do?  I've made it my life's "work" to be better every day --- to process SOMETHING everyday.  To be introspective enough to realize when I'm headed down a wrong path and to right that as soon as possible.  But---- what do you do when you honestly can't, for the life of you, figure out what you've done so wrong?  What do you do when you've loved people SO much and sacrificed so much for them and then, in the end, they still end up leaving you?  What do you do when, there is NOTHING TO DO?  No way to "make it right"?  No way to "fix it" because you, in truth, you didn't break it?  What do YOU do when YOU can't control anything?  When you can't even speak up for yourself because you've been shut out, so completely, that, silence is the most painful weapon around?  What am I supposed to be learning from all this?  What path am I supposed to be walking down, right now. . . .today?  Next week?  Next year? 

The screaming and the solar flare still aren't enough for me.  Maybe, because it's all too loud and bright and I can't hear or see ANYTHING?  Maybe, just maybe, I'm in too deep.  Maybe, I can't see the damn forest for the trees?  Perhaps, it's staring me right in the face and I refuse to see it.  Is it possible that the fear of "what" it is, is so great that my heart is "blinding me" to it, as a precautionary measure?   Is it possible for someone to have "too much" pain and loss in the their life?  Is it possible that a person will, at some point, just shut down from it?  What is that point?  When do we get there?  Who do we become once we've reached that "fork in the road"?  Maybe, when it's all said and done THAT'S my biggest fear.  I believe that I very well could be so terrified of who I really am, that I'm hanging on, with every fiber of my being, to the "old me".  Unwilling to embrace the new.  The different.  The foreign.  The whole.  The filled.  The complete.  The "pure" --- me. 

I'm afraid to say aloud that I'm enough.  I'm good enough.  I, myself, can handle it.  I don't need you.  I don't want you.  In the end, I may not even, love you.  Maybe, I'm so damn afraid of hurting someone else that I'm allowing them to hurt me, by default.  Is it that simple?  Is the screaming voice, tornado and solar flare really attempting to purify me?   Extreme heat is the only way to mold somethings in this world.  Extreme pressure is another.  Extremes change us all ---- for the good or the bad.  In the end, I think, perhaps, we're the ones who make that differentiation.  Allow it to be for the good and it will be.  Focus on the bad and that's exactly what you're going to get. 

I'm allowing myself to be pressured into the good of it.. . . .

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!