I Remain

I was born unto you, full of trust and innocence.
Never asking for it to be so.
You left me, the first chance you got.
Never looking back to make sure I was safe.   I remained.

I looked into your eyes and knew that you were trustworthy.

Humbled by your genuineness, I fell into your arms, looking for a soft place to land. 

You caught me and loved me. . . .I felt special and seen.

You were too good for this Earth and you moved on.

Leaving me behind.  I remained. 

She married you to replace him,
In her life and in mine.
You betrayed my trust and stole my innocence.
Never telling the truth about your crime, makes it more painful for me to bare.  I remain.

I ran away from you and from him,
Searching for some place safe.  Secure.  Whole.
The rogue child, in need of discipline was pulled back.  Restrained.  Confined.  Punished.
Never listened to, never believed, never allowed to be a child.  I remained.

I married him to escape you both.
To pretend that he loved me, to pretend I was normal.
He beat me unmercifully and I let him.
Never thinking that I deserved anything better.  I remained.

I went back to them both, time and again.
Swallowing my own pain, allowing it to eat me alive,
In order to be present in your lives, wanting you to know love; more than I had known.
Never wanting to abandon you, I remained.

You grew up and away, as all children do.
I thought that you had finally figured out the truth,
Having it told to you, mouth to precious ear.  Ah. . .precious relief.
Only. . . wait; you still linger in a place of selfish disbelief.
Never freeing me from the confines of the invisible bars of lies, told too often to ignore.
I love you too much to force your hand.  I remain.

Now I'm an island.
Alone in my pain and pressure and isolation.
It's all been for naught.
I'm not seen.  I'm not believed.  I'm not cherished.  I'm not allowed to feel a thing.
And yet. . . . . .I remain.

I'm slow. . . . .

Yes, I admit it.  I'm slow.  I'm slow to fall out of love with someone, even if they're toxic to my soul.  I'm slow to realize that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they'll love me in return.  I've been slow to understand that even when someone does love me, it might not be in the right way or even a healthy way---it might only hurt me.  It's taken me a long time to know what true, unconditional love really is.  I've been a bit hard headed about allowing the lessons I've learned to sink in all the way.  I'm hesitant to write someone off.  Most of the time, I dig my heels in and go "kicking and screaming" into the "good night".  I don't want to give up on anyone for any reason.  I, still, believe in the goodness of all people.  I WANT them to want to do the right thing.  Clearly, I'm still being difficult in letting this lesson process.

I'm too slow to let go. . . .of anything.  If you've ever been loved by me, chances are good that you still are.  I can't think of many things that anyone has done or could to me to make me stop loving them.  Again, even when it's in my best interest to do so.  People can hurt me, talk badly about me, misjudge me, blame me for THEIR crimes, walk all over me, shut me out, ignore me, belittle me, beat me, cheat on me, walk out on me, lie to me- about me, love someone else and I'll STILL love them.  Like I said---I'M SLOW.  Even once I've stopped my obsessive kind of loving someone, there's still a good long time that I long for them back in my life; miss them, hurt for them.  After that phase has passed, I still find it hard to hear their name or hear a song that reminds me of them or smell a fragrance that brings back a memory of them.  To this day, the smell of beef jerky or maple candy reminds me of my long lost grandfather who died more than thirty years ago.  It's still hurts.  I still cry.  The pain feels fresh-----even after all this time. 

I'm slow to stop allowing myself to "take the blame" for everything that's gone wrong in my relationships.  It's always been much easier for me to just chisel away a piece of myself here and a chunk of myself there, in order to keep the peace; retain the love.   I know that I can survive another blow to my inner core as long as "they're" alright, as long as "they" still love me, as long as "they're" happy.  Now, I said I'm slow. . . .but, I'm not stupid. 

As I get nearer and nearer to my fortieth year here on Earth, I've noticed something about myself----I'm speeding up.  Now that might sound counter intuitive, but, it's true.  The speed at which I'm learning who people are, has increased exponentially.  My favorite line is this:  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Now, I've been GIVING this advice for years.  I'm just now really starting to TAKE it.  Funny thing though, sometimes, I find that I don't really want to believe folks.  I don't want to think that the lady that I've come to know is truly, honestly, not even real.  Rather, what IS real, is her selfishness, her immaturity, her willingness to blame me for things that SHE, in fact, is guilty of---things I had NO control over.  It pains me to KNOW that, sometimes, the people that I've chosen to love are in fact, not worth it.  Not worth my time, my tears, my loyalty, my sincerity, my open mindedness, my deep abiding love, my devotion, my nonjudgmental nature, my soft heart, kind words and child like honesty.  Just.  Not.  Worth,  It.

Now, what I'm slow at is hardening my heart.  Although, I know it's my best bet against further pain, I'm not quite sure how to go about it.  How to make such a thing my reality?  How do I give up hoping that the truth will always come out?  How do I "let go" of someone whom I love and cherish in my heart?  How, I beg of you, do I move on with my life and become something I've never been?   Become the leaver and not the left behind?  When is being slow a good thing?

Take a deep breath. . . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!