It's a universal truth, whether we like it or not. . . .we really do accept the love that we think we deserve. This can be an amazing thing. It can allow folks to end relationships that aren't fulfilling and create loving, stable, complete, equal, tender partnerships. Where this becomes a total CRAPPER kind of a deal is when someone doesn't really feel their own worth. Say someone who's been abused their entire life and they feel "less than", dirty, damaged, unlovable, tarnished and undeserving. Now, IMAGINE what kind of love THAT kind of person might "accept"?
It's painful when you've already been used and abused and then find that the person who claims to love you is really only "in it" about 10%. Why would anyone put up with a person only loving them 10%, you might wonder? Well. . . .I'll tell you, when you feel like 90% SHIT all of your life, YOU try ten times harder to be lovable. . . .be quiet. . . .be accommodating. . . .NOT be demanding. . . You carry the weight of that relationship because, in fact, you feel as though you DESERVE to work harder. You DESERVE to put in 190% to make up for that "loved ones" 10% effort. I mean, come on, isn't he doing me a favor by lowering himself that much to even BE with me? Aren't I so beyond damaged goods that no man would ever want me? No man will EVER love me? He's the "only one" who'd even take on someone as fucked up as I am, right? Then, you've got his family reminding you what a piece of shit you are and guess what? You believe them. Why? Because you tell yourself the same thing every time you look into the mirror. You KNOW that you're broken, scarred, incomplete somehow.
I suppose the part that's never really made any sense to me is, why don't people WANT to help someone who feels like shit up? Stick your damn "pristine hand" down in that shit and lift that person, whom you CLAIM to love, up to "your level". Why does it NEVER fail that the folks who end up with these fragile, vulnerable people are takers? Non-stop takers at that. The kind of takers that leave a person so depleted and vacant and empty and lonely that they consider walking away from their entire lives, just to get a (much deserved) break. It's funny how both people in these totally fucked up relationships are, actually, "getting something" out of it. For the 190% giver, they get someone. . .ANYONE . . . .to love them. . . someone to take care of, someone to have that "perfect little life" with, someone to "finally get it right" with, someone to wake up for and go to sleep with, someone to build your entire life around, someone to give you sweet babies and a roof over your head. Someone that will construct such a life, as to allow you to show the world "SEE, I'M NOT TOTAL SHIT! I CAN HAVE IT ALL!" Even when "all" of it is total bullshit. Even when you're so totally alone in the "facade" of a life you've built that you wonder if anyone would even notice if you just were to vanish into thin air. Then, the 10% person gets all of your love, commitment, devotion, emotion, care, concern, attention, admiration, adoration and caring. They get taken care of, seen, valued, built up, nurtured and validated. They are allowed to be lazy and still get the reward. This validates that they're "doing everything right". I mean "look at how well she's treating me, right?!!?!? "
It's painful when you've already been used and abused and then find that the person who claims to love you is really only "in it" about 10%. Why would anyone put up with a person only loving them 10%, you might wonder? Well. . . .I'll tell you, when you feel like 90% SHIT all of your life, YOU try ten times harder to be lovable. . . .be quiet. . . .be accommodating. . . .NOT be demanding. . . You carry the weight of that relationship because, in fact, you feel as though you DESERVE to work harder. You DESERVE to put in 190% to make up for that "loved ones" 10% effort. I mean, come on, isn't he doing me a favor by lowering himself that much to even BE with me? Aren't I so beyond damaged goods that no man would ever want me? No man will EVER love me? He's the "only one" who'd even take on someone as fucked up as I am, right? Then, you've got his family reminding you what a piece of shit you are and guess what? You believe them. Why? Because you tell yourself the same thing every time you look into the mirror. You KNOW that you're broken, scarred, incomplete somehow.
I suppose the part that's never really made any sense to me is, why don't people WANT to help someone who feels like shit up? Stick your damn "pristine hand" down in that shit and lift that person, whom you CLAIM to love, up to "your level". Why does it NEVER fail that the folks who end up with these fragile, vulnerable people are takers? Non-stop takers at that. The kind of takers that leave a person so depleted and vacant and empty and lonely that they consider walking away from their entire lives, just to get a (much deserved) break. It's funny how both people in these totally fucked up relationships are, actually, "getting something" out of it. For the 190% giver, they get someone. . .ANYONE . . . .to love them. . . someone to take care of, someone to have that "perfect little life" with, someone to "finally get it right" with, someone to wake up for and go to sleep with, someone to build your entire life around, someone to give you sweet babies and a roof over your head. Someone that will construct such a life, as to allow you to show the world "SEE, I'M NOT TOTAL SHIT! I CAN HAVE IT ALL!" Even when "all" of it is total bullshit. Even when you're so totally alone in the "facade" of a life you've built that you wonder if anyone would even notice if you just were to vanish into thin air. Then, the 10% person gets all of your love, commitment, devotion, emotion, care, concern, attention, admiration, adoration and caring. They get taken care of, seen, valued, built up, nurtured and validated. They are allowed to be lazy and still get the reward. This validates that they're "doing everything right". I mean "look at how well she's treating me, right?!!?!? "
So, I suppose, in the end, the only way to break this self-destructive cycle is to start seeing, feeling and really BELIEVING that you deserve something better. Believe that you deserve to be seen, taken care of, babied, nurtured and validated, too. The only way out is through. Now, I'm not saying it will be easy. Hell, I'm not even sure how to do IT myself, exactly, but, I'm trying. You have to start somewhere. You have to dig deep and look inside yourself to understand that, just as you are, you're good enough. Just as you are, you're deserving. Just as you are, you are lovable. Open yourself up to a "better love" and a "better love" will find you. Until then, you'll keep accepting that damaged love you think you deserve.
Take a deep breath, it's just another day in "Perfect". . . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment