I've learned something amazing about myself and, I think, people in general. I've noticed that certain people bring out certain responses and behaviors in me. Now, this may sound like, "Well, duh?", but, I mean REALLY bring it out of me. For the good AND for the bad. I've also learned that I'm easily effected by others. I'm super sensitive to "vibes" and to others moods, behaviors and subtle body language. I've learned that I have to FIGHT to remain true to myself, at times. A fight that I was too tired, scared and weak to keep up, for a really long time. I've learned that there are certain people whom I just can NOT be around. Not because they're bad people, but, rather, they just bring out the worst in me. I've also learned that there are certain people who really bring the true "me" out to shine. I've RE-learned that there are people in the world who will accept me for me. No questions asked. No accommodations have to be made. They don't have to "tolerate" me. Or vice-versa.
I've found that I didn't even realize how "impressionable" I really am, always have been, if I were being honest with myself. It's as if I was completely willing to abandon myself in order to 'fit in' or be accepted. Huh? I've never had that problem before. I've always been popular and well liked and easy going and really, truly, had several people in my life who I was close to. Then. . . .it all changed. I changed. I twisted myself into a pretzel. I can't really explain why, clearly. I'm still working on that part. Regardless, of the deeper why, the "how" of it, is also surprising to me. I started becoming less kind. More harsh. I started agreeing with things that I knew to be crap or worse yet, crappY. I allowed myself to nearly disappear. I starting caring more about things that I never had cared about before and started caring less about things that HAD meant the world to me. I got lost. I started losing friends. My family didn't recognize me. People were like, "Um, who the hell have YOU become?" I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't care, at the time, that these people thought I was a total bitch. Well, that's NOT true. I cared. I've always cared. I was just putting on a really good show of NOT CARING. I was tying my damnedest to not care. I, of course, failed miserably and cried on my dear husbands shoulder, too many times to count. At the time, I couldn't understand why the people who had known me the longest were pulling away from me. Now, I know. I changed. COMPLETELY. I became a stranger to them. And to myself.
Now then, how do I reach out to them again and make them see that 1) I'm back---the REAL me and 2) that I was truly under some strange influence at the time----unbeknownst to me and 3) they can trust in me, like they always could before. How do I reassure them that I'm back to my genuine self? How do you rebuild a bridge after you're the one that burned it down? After all, I never really left. I was merely hiding behind a curtain of fear and identity crisis. I was allowing the worst of me to be brought out. By circumstance and surroundings. By trying so damn hard to appease and to "not rock the boat". Alas, I did just that and far, far worse. On the flip side, though, why didn't any of them come to me and TELL me what they were feeling? Why were there so many secrets? So many things said behind my back? It's a double edged sword here. I mean, I completely understand that I changed, but, as a true friend, aren't you supposed to speak up and reach out to those that you love? Aren't we all responsible for our relationships? I battle with the notion that I was so easily cast aside, perhaps I never held any value to them at all. I'm struggling to know what the right thing to do is. I've tried to reach out, a bit, over the last year or two and things haven't gone as well as I would have like. Do I just give up? Do I let "sleeping dogs lie"? Should I just live---in the moment---and be thankful for the friends I have NOW and let the "old ones" live in my memory?
In the end, I've found a peace in being myself that I didn't even know I had lost. I've found a calmness in my life, a balance. I don't feel a constant anxiety; again, that I was totally unaware existed at the time. I can BREATHE easier. I've stepped back from the woman that I was and stepped INTO the woman I was always meant to be. Back into myself. Back into a woman that I recognize, the woman I've always been, on the inside. I've stopped letting others effect me so much. I've started to realize that they're walking their path and I'm walking mine. Sometimes, those paths are right next to each other and sometimes they diverge and start moving in opposite directions. When that happens, I have to make a choice. A choice as to whether or not I want to keep them in my life; a choice as to whether or not it's even healthy, for either of us, to try to keep an eye on each other, whilst we're walking away. Sometimes, the answer has been yes. Yes, to keeping a safe distance while remaining there for them. Other times, the clear and resounding answer has been NO. This, of course, is the slipperier slope. The more dangerous territory. How do you walk away from someone that you love? Respect? Even cherish? I know the answer now, now that I've done it the wrong way (of course). I know now that you simply walk away. Wish them well on their journey and let it go. You grieve for the loss. Hell, you cry your damn eyes out about it! But, you don't look back. You don't lash out. You don't wish that things had been different, because, well, they aren't. They never will be. You walk away with grace. You walk away allowing them to be graceful, too. Sometimes, the greatest gift we could ever give, is silence. Pure. Simple. Silence.
I'm sorry that I learned this a bit too late. I'm thankful that I learned it at all, though. I know that from now on, I'll be able to handle this situation with more dignity. Not that I don't feel like I can hold my head up high, now. I do. I know that the decisions that I made were the best ones I could at the time. After all, when you know better, you do better. Right? It's very hard not to let pain and hurt leak out of you, when you feel so damaged and ignored. It's hard to not want to strike back when you feel like you're the one who's been attacked time and time again. But, I know, for me, that that's not who I want to be; not who I am at my core. There are many years of abuse and pain and neglect that have piled upon my shoulders. Maybe some of those are there because I allowed them to be placed there. I now know that I will NOT allow anyone else to hurt me. I will not tolerate anyone who feels the need to change me or belittle me because of my beliefs. I am 100% comfortable in my own skin. I believe that, sometimes, you have to shatter who you were to become who you're supposed to be. A caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly without tearing itself apart first.
Take a deep breath............................It's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!
I've found that I didn't even realize how "impressionable" I really am, always have been, if I were being honest with myself. It's as if I was completely willing to abandon myself in order to 'fit in' or be accepted. Huh? I've never had that problem before. I've always been popular and well liked and easy going and really, truly, had several people in my life who I was close to. Then. . . .it all changed. I changed. I twisted myself into a pretzel. I can't really explain why, clearly. I'm still working on that part. Regardless, of the deeper why, the "how" of it, is also surprising to me. I started becoming less kind. More harsh. I started agreeing with things that I knew to be crap or worse yet, crappY. I allowed myself to nearly disappear. I starting caring more about things that I never had cared about before and started caring less about things that HAD meant the world to me. I got lost. I started losing friends. My family didn't recognize me. People were like, "Um, who the hell have YOU become?" I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't care, at the time, that these people thought I was a total bitch. Well, that's NOT true. I cared. I've always cared. I was just putting on a really good show of NOT CARING. I was tying my damnedest to not care. I, of course, failed miserably and cried on my dear husbands shoulder, too many times to count. At the time, I couldn't understand why the people who had known me the longest were pulling away from me. Now, I know. I changed. COMPLETELY. I became a stranger to them. And to myself.
Now then, how do I reach out to them again and make them see that 1) I'm back---the REAL me and 2) that I was truly under some strange influence at the time----unbeknownst to me and 3) they can trust in me, like they always could before. How do I reassure them that I'm back to my genuine self? How do you rebuild a bridge after you're the one that burned it down? After all, I never really left. I was merely hiding behind a curtain of fear and identity crisis. I was allowing the worst of me to be brought out. By circumstance and surroundings. By trying so damn hard to appease and to "not rock the boat". Alas, I did just that and far, far worse. On the flip side, though, why didn't any of them come to me and TELL me what they were feeling? Why were there so many secrets? So many things said behind my back? It's a double edged sword here. I mean, I completely understand that I changed, but, as a true friend, aren't you supposed to speak up and reach out to those that you love? Aren't we all responsible for our relationships? I battle with the notion that I was so easily cast aside, perhaps I never held any value to them at all. I'm struggling to know what the right thing to do is. I've tried to reach out, a bit, over the last year or two and things haven't gone as well as I would have like. Do I just give up? Do I let "sleeping dogs lie"? Should I just live---in the moment---and be thankful for the friends I have NOW and let the "old ones" live in my memory?
In the end, I've found a peace in being myself that I didn't even know I had lost. I've found a calmness in my life, a balance. I don't feel a constant anxiety; again, that I was totally unaware existed at the time. I can BREATHE easier. I've stepped back from the woman that I was and stepped INTO the woman I was always meant to be. Back into myself. Back into a woman that I recognize, the woman I've always been, on the inside. I've stopped letting others effect me so much. I've started to realize that they're walking their path and I'm walking mine. Sometimes, those paths are right next to each other and sometimes they diverge and start moving in opposite directions. When that happens, I have to make a choice. A choice as to whether or not I want to keep them in my life; a choice as to whether or not it's even healthy, for either of us, to try to keep an eye on each other, whilst we're walking away. Sometimes, the answer has been yes. Yes, to keeping a safe distance while remaining there for them. Other times, the clear and resounding answer has been NO. This, of course, is the slipperier slope. The more dangerous territory. How do you walk away from someone that you love? Respect? Even cherish? I know the answer now, now that I've done it the wrong way (of course). I know now that you simply walk away. Wish them well on their journey and let it go. You grieve for the loss. Hell, you cry your damn eyes out about it! But, you don't look back. You don't lash out. You don't wish that things had been different, because, well, they aren't. They never will be. You walk away with grace. You walk away allowing them to be graceful, too. Sometimes, the greatest gift we could ever give, is silence. Pure. Simple. Silence.
I'm sorry that I learned this a bit too late. I'm thankful that I learned it at all, though. I know that from now on, I'll be able to handle this situation with more dignity. Not that I don't feel like I can hold my head up high, now. I do. I know that the decisions that I made were the best ones I could at the time. After all, when you know better, you do better. Right? It's very hard not to let pain and hurt leak out of you, when you feel so damaged and ignored. It's hard to not want to strike back when you feel like you're the one who's been attacked time and time again. But, I know, for me, that that's not who I want to be; not who I am at my core. There are many years of abuse and pain and neglect that have piled upon my shoulders. Maybe some of those are there because I allowed them to be placed there. I now know that I will NOT allow anyone else to hurt me. I will not tolerate anyone who feels the need to change me or belittle me because of my beliefs. I am 100% comfortable in my own skin. I believe that, sometimes, you have to shatter who you were to become who you're supposed to be. A caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly without tearing itself apart first.
Take a deep breath............................It's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!
I have noticed in me some of what you said about your experience. As i read how you overcame your obstacles and made yourself make better choices i felt something in me . .it was fear. . It's like I know what I should do but I do have a hard time with goodbyes when someone or something means so much to me. I'm glad you wrote about your experience. Thank you for sharing.
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