I hate duplicity. With a passion, I hate it. I've read my fair share of "self help" books; hell, I even had aspirations of becoming a therapist, once upon a time. However. I'm pretty damn sick and tired of all this psycho babble double talk.
Case in point, when you dare to remember and then FEEL something from your past, the very well intentioned people of the world, come out of the wood works, to tell you to "let the past go" and "you can't live in the past". Blah, blah, fucking blah. Then, when you go about your "normal life" and act as if NOTHING ever happened to you, you get accused of "pretending" or of "keeping secrets" or of "not being genuine". Huh? Wait just a minute! You can't have it both ways. . . .can you?
Oh the psychologists of the world do. Believe me, I've spent my fair share (and then some) of time in therapy, both court ordered and voluntary. (The court ordered was back when I turned in my step-father for his sexual abuse towards me. They needed to "see my frame of mind", I suppose. Whatever.) At any rate, the thing that always struck me was this, the damn therapist can't seem to make up their mind(s). If I sit down and they fire their million and one intrusive questions at me and answer them calmly and without a huge emotional display then, clearly, I have dissociative disorder. Surely, I should be crying and pitching a royal fit. Then, two weeks later, if I happen to cry, they tell me that I need move on and process this pain better. Um, okay. Then two weeks LATER, when I'm good and not remotely emotional I get told how "concerned" they are that I'm compartmentalizing my issues and that I need to deal with them face on and open up. What. The. Fuck? Make up your freaking mind, please!
We've all been fed this load of CRAP about, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" and "let it go" and then we're told to "be real" and "allow yourself to feel the pain" and "you're allowed to have a bad day, it's okay" and then "you need to be positive all the time, you know that you reap what you sow" and my favorite, "what goes around comes around, they'll get what's coming to them in the end, you don't need to worry about it." Can I just say. . . .huh? Am I supposed to be little Mary Sunshine or am I supposed to have PTSD or am I supposed to be perfectly sane in spite of my past or do I "have the right to be crazy" or should I sit back and wait for "fate/karma/God" to pay those who've hurt me a visit or am I allowed to have a break down now and again and then pick myself back up, in my OWN time frame or am I just supposed to act whatever damn way YOU tell me to? I mean, it's maddening, isn't it?
I've been told to "think myself thin, or happy, or wealthy" or whatever the "books" trying to sell me. I've thought about it. A lot. Nothing's happened yet. I've been told that a higher power will "fix everything". I'm still waiting. Little to nothing has been "fixed". I've been told to just "let it go and move on and things will get better". I've done that. For decades and as far as I can tell all that that's done for me is let this wound fester and become infected. I spent so much damn time making sure that EVERYONE around me didn't have to deal with my issues and pain and ugliness and did SUCH a good job at it, that I've completely disappeared in my own life. In essence, I feel like a fake. I hate fakes. A dear friend of mine told me yesterday, in the midst of my break down, that "it wasn't a huge shock to her how truly damaged and broken I am, rather, how hard I try to "pretend" to be perfect.." W. O. W. She's right. Indeed. But, damn it. This is what I've been told to do. Move on. Pretend it away. In truth, there is NO other way to "let it go". We're all asked to "pretend" our shit away, aren't we? I mean, unless you suffer from true and complete amnesia, I'm not sure how people can even expect you to "let it go". Our brains don't work that way. We learn from our past experiences, by design.
Dr. Phil is famous for his "no nonsense" approach to dime store therapy. He spends about five minutes with people and thinks that he has you all figured out. Well, in truth, he didn't even spend THAT much time with us, and yet, he offered his "professional advice" to save my marriage. Really? This is what we've become in America. Solve all your problems in a hour or less. Wrap it a bow and mail it off to Antarctica and forget all about it, because if you even have the audacity to have a "flash back" or a moment of pain due to a past hurt, well, hell. . . .you're a failure. Yet, my "past abuse" has been blamed for countless medical conditions, pains, depression, etc. by the medical community. They--- the well schooled doctors--- have told me everything from "You really just feel like you deserve to be sick, because you were abused" to "Well, I believe that you're pain is real, BUT, I believe that's been exaggerated in your brain, due to PTSD. Your body holds on to pain in all forms, even memories and that, in fact, makes physical pain worse." So, wait. I'm not allowed to acknowledge anything bad from my past, yet y'all want to blame EVERYTHING my body feels on it. Then, if I decide to NOT tell a doctor about my abuse, then they get my records from another doctor and go nuts. "Why didn't you share this with me? I don't think that I can be your doctor if you're not 100% honest with me." Just shoot me, please?
There's really no way to win here. Either you're living in the past or your denying it. Well, which is it people? Shouldn't we all be allowed to have momentary break downs, break throughs, build ups, successes and failures? Aren't we all human? Don't we all have baggage? Aren't we all the walking wounded? Don't we each have our own story? Isn't that story the ONLY thing that makes you who you are today? I would NOT be all the wonderful things that I am WITHOUT my past pains. I also, would NOT be any of the crazy, stupid, messed up things that I am. You can't take the sweet without getting some of the bitter, too. I just wish that instead of the world trying to push all the ugliness back inside you ---- because really, it's about them at that point, THEY feel uncomfortable ---- that they could just hear you. See you. Appreciate your similarities and love your differences. If every experience is a lesson to be learned, then learn it people. Learn that which is right in front of you. . . .live and let live, I'm not you, you're not me, I love you regardless of what you've been through or NOT been through, I love you for what you believe and what you don't believe, I love that you have a higher power and I'm secure without one, I don't need you to find me, I'm not lost, I'm not damaged goods to be repaired by you or anyone else for that matter, I'm doing the best that I can, you do the best that you can, too and we're all good, my story isn't your story, I would never assume that I know YOUR story, don't assume that you know mine, I won't label you, please don't label me, even if you've lived a good portion of my life around me --- count on the fact that you don't truly know what it's like to walk in my shoes and hey, I won't try to cram my feet into yours either.
Take deep breath.............it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
Case in point, when you dare to remember and then FEEL something from your past, the very well intentioned people of the world, come out of the wood works, to tell you to "let the past go" and "you can't live in the past". Blah, blah, fucking blah. Then, when you go about your "normal life" and act as if NOTHING ever happened to you, you get accused of "pretending" or of "keeping secrets" or of "not being genuine". Huh? Wait just a minute! You can't have it both ways. . . .can you?
Oh the psychologists of the world do. Believe me, I've spent my fair share (and then some) of time in therapy, both court ordered and voluntary. (The court ordered was back when I turned in my step-father for his sexual abuse towards me. They needed to "see my frame of mind", I suppose. Whatever.) At any rate, the thing that always struck me was this, the damn therapist can't seem to make up their mind(s). If I sit down and they fire their million and one intrusive questions at me and answer them calmly and without a huge emotional display then, clearly, I have dissociative disorder. Surely, I should be crying and pitching a royal fit. Then, two weeks later, if I happen to cry, they tell me that I need move on and process this pain better. Um, okay. Then two weeks LATER, when I'm good and not remotely emotional I get told how "concerned" they are that I'm compartmentalizing my issues and that I need to deal with them face on and open up. What. The. Fuck? Make up your freaking mind, please!
We've all been fed this load of CRAP about, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" and "let it go" and then we're told to "be real" and "allow yourself to feel the pain" and "you're allowed to have a bad day, it's okay" and then "you need to be positive all the time, you know that you reap what you sow" and my favorite, "what goes around comes around, they'll get what's coming to them in the end, you don't need to worry about it." Can I just say. . . .huh? Am I supposed to be little Mary Sunshine or am I supposed to have PTSD or am I supposed to be perfectly sane in spite of my past or do I "have the right to be crazy" or should I sit back and wait for "fate/karma/God" to pay those who've hurt me a visit or am I allowed to have a break down now and again and then pick myself back up, in my OWN time frame or am I just supposed to act whatever damn way YOU tell me to? I mean, it's maddening, isn't it?
I've been told to "think myself thin, or happy, or wealthy" or whatever the "books" trying to sell me. I've thought about it. A lot. Nothing's happened yet. I've been told that a higher power will "fix everything". I'm still waiting. Little to nothing has been "fixed". I've been told to just "let it go and move on and things will get better". I've done that. For decades and as far as I can tell all that that's done for me is let this wound fester and become infected. I spent so much damn time making sure that EVERYONE around me didn't have to deal with my issues and pain and ugliness and did SUCH a good job at it, that I've completely disappeared in my own life. In essence, I feel like a fake. I hate fakes. A dear friend of mine told me yesterday, in the midst of my break down, that "it wasn't a huge shock to her how truly damaged and broken I am, rather, how hard I try to "pretend" to be perfect.." W. O. W. She's right. Indeed. But, damn it. This is what I've been told to do. Move on. Pretend it away. In truth, there is NO other way to "let it go". We're all asked to "pretend" our shit away, aren't we? I mean, unless you suffer from true and complete amnesia, I'm not sure how people can even expect you to "let it go". Our brains don't work that way. We learn from our past experiences, by design.
Dr. Phil is famous for his "no nonsense" approach to dime store therapy. He spends about five minutes with people and thinks that he has you all figured out. Well, in truth, he didn't even spend THAT much time with us, and yet, he offered his "professional advice" to save my marriage. Really? This is what we've become in America. Solve all your problems in a hour or less. Wrap it a bow and mail it off to Antarctica and forget all about it, because if you even have the audacity to have a "flash back" or a moment of pain due to a past hurt, well, hell. . . .you're a failure. Yet, my "past abuse" has been blamed for countless medical conditions, pains, depression, etc. by the medical community. They--- the well schooled doctors--- have told me everything from "You really just feel like you deserve to be sick, because you were abused" to "Well, I believe that you're pain is real, BUT, I believe that's been exaggerated in your brain, due to PTSD. Your body holds on to pain in all forms, even memories and that, in fact, makes physical pain worse." So, wait. I'm not allowed to acknowledge anything bad from my past, yet y'all want to blame EVERYTHING my body feels on it. Then, if I decide to NOT tell a doctor about my abuse, then they get my records from another doctor and go nuts. "Why didn't you share this with me? I don't think that I can be your doctor if you're not 100% honest with me." Just shoot me, please?
There's really no way to win here. Either you're living in the past or your denying it. Well, which is it people? Shouldn't we all be allowed to have momentary break downs, break throughs, build ups, successes and failures? Aren't we all human? Don't we all have baggage? Aren't we all the walking wounded? Don't we each have our own story? Isn't that story the ONLY thing that makes you who you are today? I would NOT be all the wonderful things that I am WITHOUT my past pains. I also, would NOT be any of the crazy, stupid, messed up things that I am. You can't take the sweet without getting some of the bitter, too. I just wish that instead of the world trying to push all the ugliness back inside you ---- because really, it's about them at that point, THEY feel uncomfortable ---- that they could just hear you. See you. Appreciate your similarities and love your differences. If every experience is a lesson to be learned, then learn it people. Learn that which is right in front of you. . . .live and let live, I'm not you, you're not me, I love you regardless of what you've been through or NOT been through, I love you for what you believe and what you don't believe, I love that you have a higher power and I'm secure without one, I don't need you to find me, I'm not lost, I'm not damaged goods to be repaired by you or anyone else for that matter, I'm doing the best that I can, you do the best that you can, too and we're all good, my story isn't your story, I would never assume that I know YOUR story, don't assume that you know mine, I won't label you, please don't label me, even if you've lived a good portion of my life around me --- count on the fact that you don't truly know what it's like to walk in my shoes and hey, I won't try to cram my feet into yours either.
Take deep breath.............it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
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