It's Been A While. . . . . .

Hey there readers! It's been a while. Like a LOOOOONNNNG while since I've written anything. There's a myriad of reasons behind that I suppose. Most of which are excuses AND reasons. (You know the difference between the two by now, right?) But, I think mainly it's because I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying. I was deep in feelings that were perhaps too painful to share. I felt too vulnerable; too broken to open up here. 

Ironically, now I feel even MORE emotional, MORE vulnerable and MORE broken and I think it's important to share it. 

As humans we tend to close ourselves off from things. Shut out the pain by taking that drink or smoking that thing or popping that pill. Maybe it's finding a beautiful distraction; which turns out to not be so beautiful in the end. I've been doing this for too long now. Not allowing myself to feel the pain of it all. Being the strong woman everyone expects me to be. The "I don't need anyone or anything" tough bitch all of my friends and family have come to know and love(?).  You know what it's gotten me, being closed off? A complete disconnection with myself and those around me. 

I've been so busy protecting everyone, including myself, from my feelings that they've run amuck. (Amuck, amuck, amuck. . . . .if you know, you know!) I've denied that I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, disappointed, betrayed and abused to the point where now I'm struggling to find any joy, happiness, fulfillment, contentment or pleasure. You see, it's not like I can simply "turn off" ONE of my emotions and leave all the others on "full blast", so I can "just feel the good shit". Don't I WISH it worked that way? Hell, don't we ALL wish it worked that way???  Wouldn't life be so much easier? 

So, here I am. . . . .sitting in my anger. My frustration. My disappointment. My betrayal. My abuse. Not wallowing, but noticing, naming and releasing it. All in the quest to find my joy and to reconnect with myself and everyone I love. 

Here goes: 

I didn't ask to lose my husband, my mother, my grandmother, my aunt and have to put my sweet kitty down all in just a few months time. I'm upset that I feel abandoned by all of them; even the ones that died and had zero choice in the fact that they left me. Emotions don't have to make sense. I'm ANGRY at them for leaving me. I'm frustrated that I had no control over the "leaving". I'm disappointed that things didn't turn out differently. But here we are. They're gone. I'm moving past it. 

I had to sell the only home my daughters have ever known and move across the country. Again, through no choice or action of my own doing. I'm pissed off that I lost so many precious things in the process. I'm fucking LIVID that I had to leave loved ones behind. I'm devastated that I lost the only home I ever wanted to live in. I feel betrayed that this was thrust upon me by the choices of someone else. Pile on top of this moving to a place where I feel like an outsider. A place where no one talks to me. A place that's so foreign, it almost feels like a different planet to me. And you end up with LOTS of resentment towards the man that forced this upon me. The deep sense of loss is almost indescribable. This one "event" truly made me lose myself in the process. The sheer shock of it all. The utter "leaving behind" of everything I knew and held dear did profound damage. I. AM. ENRAGED. This one is being a much harder one to RELEASE. I've noticed the pain. I've named the emotions, but I'll be damned if I can truly release it yet. I think I'm afraid if I "let it go" I'll simply fall apart or maybe just start floating up to the sky, never to be seen again. Like somehow, this . . .this fucking agony is what's keeping me grounded. 

And yet, I feel all of this shit with a smile on my face. Not wanting to pollute any of my relationships with how truly sad and broken I feel most of the time. I feel alone. Lonely. Isolated. And yet, even in that there's a comfort for me. A protection of sorts. If I don't let anyone get too close to me, they won't let me down again. They won't hurt me any further. (Which let's face it, at this point would be a tragedy of biblical proportions, right? Insert eyeroll here.)  In truth, all this does is make me feel like I'm lying (which if you actually KNOW ME, you know how I feel about THAT SHIT!) and being disingenuous to the situation at hand.  

But, I've been working on myself lately. Quietly. Privately. Where no one can see me. Not telling anyone. Walking through the fear of what I'll find when I truly find myself. Holding myself accountable for the things I've done that have caused people to leave me in the past. Seeing my part in situations that didn't work out the way I wanted them to. Also realizing that not EVERYTHING is indeed my fault. Some people are just incapable of loving someone the right way because of their own damaged, broken heart. Some situations were never going to sustain themselves, no matter how hard I tried. I've been learning to not only forgive the OTHERS that hurt me but I'm learning to forgive myself for so many, many things. This makes me vulnerable. This has shown me "my broken" in a way that I've never seen it before. It certainly has opened up a world of emotions. 

There are, however, these glimpses I'm getting, of myself. The person I could be. The person I want to be. The person I need to be. A whole person. I healed person. I thankful person. Not a perfect person, but a perfectly imperfect, delicate, gentle, honest, faithful, noble, tender, compassionate, empathetic, caring, loving, nurturing, fierce, strong, reliable, determined, loyal and genuine human being. Someone I can be proud of. Oh the beauty in the glimmer of what could be!!! 

So, yeah, it's been quite a while since I've tried to put my thoughts down, but here I am laying it all out to be seen, in the hopes it will help keep me accountable to myself to keep going on this journey of discovery, forgiveness and growth. 

Take a deep breath, it's just another day in "Perfect". 

We Accept the Love That We Think We Deserve

It's a universal truth, whether we like it or not. . . .we really do accept the love that we think we deserve.  This can be an amazing thing.  It can allow folks to end relationships that aren't fulfilling and create loving, stable, complete, equal, tender partnerships.  Where this becomes a total CRAPPER kind of a deal is when someone doesn't really feel their own worth.  Say someone who's been abused their entire life and they feel "less than", dirty, damaged, unlovable, tarnished and undeserving.  Now, IMAGINE what kind of love THAT kind of person might "accept"?

It's painful when you've already been used and abused and then find that the person who claims to love you is really only "in it" about 10%.  Why would anyone put up with a person only loving them 10%, you might wonder?  Well. . . .I'll tell you, when you feel like 90% SHIT all of your life, YOU try ten times harder to be lovable. . . .be quiet. . . .be accommodating. . . .NOT be demanding. . . You carry the weight of that relationship because, in fact, you feel as though you DESERVE to work harder.  You DESERVE to put in 190% to make up for that "loved ones" 10% effort.  I mean, come on, isn't he doing me a favor by lowering himself that much to even BE with me?  Aren't I so beyond damaged goods that no man would ever want me?  No man will EVER love me?  He's the "only one" who'd even take on someone as fucked up as I am, right?   Then, you've got his family reminding you what a piece of shit you are and guess what?  You believe them.  Why?  Because you tell yourself the same thing every time you look into the mirror.  You KNOW that you're broken, scarred, incomplete somehow.

I suppose the part that's never really made any sense to me is, why don't people WANT to help someone who feels like shit up?  Stick your damn "pristine hand" down in that shit and lift that person, whom you CLAIM to love, up to "your level".   Why does it NEVER fail that the folks who end up with these fragile, vulnerable people are takers?  Non-stop takers at that.  The kind of takers that leave a person so depleted and vacant and empty and lonely that they consider walking away from their entire lives, just to get a (much deserved) break.  It's funny how both people in these totally fucked up relationships are, actually, "getting something" out of it.  For the 190% giver, they get someone. . .ANYONE . . . .to love them. . . someone to take care of, someone to have that "perfect little life" with, someone to "finally get it right" with, someone to wake up for and go to sleep with, someone to build your entire life around, someone to give you sweet babies and a roof over your head.  Someone that will construct such a life, as to allow you to show the world "SEE, I'M NOT TOTAL SHIT!  I CAN HAVE IT ALL!"  Even when "all" of it is total bullshit.  Even when you're so totally alone in the "facade" of a life you've built that you wonder if anyone would even notice if you just were to vanish into thin air.  Then, the 10% person gets all of your love, commitment, devotion, emotion, care, concern, attention, admiration, adoration and caring. They get taken care of, seen, valued, built up, nurtured and validated. They are allowed to be lazy and still get the reward. This validates that they're "doing everything right". I mean "look at how well she's treating me, right?!!?!? "

So, I suppose, in the end, the only way to break this self-destructive cycle is to start seeing, feeling and really BELIEVING that you deserve something better. Believe that you deserve to be seen, taken care of, babied, nurtured and validated, too. The only way out is through. Now, I'm not saying it will be easy. Hell, I'm not even sure how to do IT myself, exactly, but, I'm trying. You have to start somewhere. You have to dig deep and look inside yourself to understand that, just as you are, you're good enough. Just as you are, you're deserving. Just as you are, you are lovable. Open yourself up to a "better love" and a "better love" will find you. Until then, you'll keep accepting that damaged love you think you deserve.

Take a deep breath, it's just another day in "Perfect". . . . .