I Know That You're Afraid. . . . .

I know that you're afraid of me. . . . I know that you're afraid of me because I'm a woman or because I'm an atheist or because I was born in America.  I know that you're afraid of me because you don't know me.  I know that I am the "they" that "they" have warned you about.  I know that that fear has been bred into from the day that you were born into that family, that village, that world that tells you what to fear and what to welcome.  I know that you, the real YOU, that deep down part of all of us that is simply human, doesn't really want to fear me, is only curious about who and what I am.  I know that you're tired of being afraid.  I know that that fear, in and of itself, is what drains you, depletes you, hurts you.  I know that you don't know any other way to be, feel, exist.  I know that that fear can drive you.  I know that it can push you into feeling, doing, saying, being something that you're really not.  I know that you want to hurt someone.  I know that you want to hurt someone, anyone, to make that fear stop.  I also know that no matter how many people you hurt, that fear will only grow. . . .deepen. . . .SEEM MORE REAL to you.  It will grow inside of you, hidden.  Like a cancer it will eat away at your soul.  If you feed it it WILL grow.  It will become you, take over your mind, your spirit, your thoughts until nothing else exists BUT that fear.  I know that you're afraid of me.  I know that what I represent, means the end of what you represent.  Or, at least, that's what "they've" told you.  I know that that fear has convinced you that, simply by my existing, I'm threatening your way of life.  I'm threatening your actual life.  I'm threatening your children's lives and their children's lives and so on and so on, until, you feel so justified in hurting me that there simply is no. other. way.  Yes, I know that you're afraid.

But, I suggest something radical to you. . . . .talk to me.  Learn my name.  Try hard to pronounce it properly.  Look into my eyes.  See me smile.  Listen to my breath.  Watch me love my children.  Listen to my struggles to provide a loving home for them.  Come to my place of work and watch me excel in my life.  My actual life.  Not the one that has been presented to you.  Not the one that "they've" told you I lead, but, my real "day in, day out" living life.  I know that you're afraid.  But, could you "take the risk" and try, just for a moment, to let the fear go?  Can you leave it at the door?  My door?  And walk into a life that looks, shockingly, similar to your own?  Listen to it.  Smell it.  Taste it.  Savor it.  Hell, maybe even ENJOY IT!

Yes, I know that you're afraid and that the world is telling me that I should be afraid, too. . . . but, today. . . . . .I AM NOT AFRAID!

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!

I Forgive Myself. . . . .

I forgive myself or not being a size two, for many of these pounds came from cookies that were baked with love with my sweet daughters, making memories they'll carry with them for a lifetime.  Others, were a result of my needing comfort and seeking out something I felt I was lacking, in a bag of chips.  I now realize that my worth doesn't go up as my size goes down. 

I forgive myself for "wearing my heart on my sleeve" and for "being too sensitive", for I've learned that the people who say this are generally too insecure to be "open to pain" and close themselves off behind an armor of sarcasm, ridicule, lies and, worst of all, cruelty.  I now realize that my being open about my feelings of being hurt, has put too bright of a spot light on the fact that they weren't feeling anything at all.

I forgive myself for not gaining the love of my mother, for now that I'm a mother myself, I know that that kind of sacrifice, vulnerability, patience and compromise don't come easy and not everyone is well equipped to offer those things with an open heart.  I know that I couldn't have done anything differently and that children are never meant to mend what's broken in an adult.

I forgive myself for trusting you when everything inside of me screamed to run away, for now I've learned what it means to love someone in spite of themselves and to truly love someone unconditionally.  I know that I can see the "bigger picture" and know that not every lesson I take part in is, in fact meant for me.  Although it's been painful, I'm honored that I could be a witness to part of your journey.

I forgive myself for being a perfectionist, for I know that it stems from a of fear.  I'm afraid of not being good enough for you; not "earning" your love.  I'm afraid if I'm flawed you'll leave me to find someone who's not. . . . but, I'm learning that THAT person doesn't really exist and that I'm honestly afraid of a ghost, an invisible entity that I've created in my mind to scare me into a cycle of attempts followed by inevitable failure.  I realize that "perfect" is an illusion.

I forgive myself for failing, for it means that I tried something, I stuck my neck out, I made the attempt and I learned more from those "short comings" than I ever did from my successes.  I've learned that I can survive almost anything.  I learned that I'm a warrior.  I learned that I'm creative, curious, bright, caring, tenacious, brave, competent, persistent, ignorant, wise, scholarly and human!

Most of all, I forgive myself for not forgiving myself sooner, for I know that to do so would have been too painful for me, at the time.  I wore my judgment of myself like a sheet of armor.  I felt safe inside of it and it was the only place I could honestly call "home".  This new world I'm discovering on the other side of self forgiveness is foreign, uncharted and vast.  I'm not sure where to go from here. . . .when self loathing, self deprecation and deprivation have been my constant companions, I feel, almost, lonely without them, and definitely more vulnerable and even naked.  I know that I'll make "new companions" and I can't wait to greet them with my open heart and mind; to see where they take me. . .what paths we'll travel together.  I'm sure that new things will spring up that I'll have to learn to forgive myself for.  I can only hope that I can so more quickly this time and know that I'm beautifully broken and flawed----human. .  .just like millions of other humans I share this planet with.  I can't help but think what a different world we would live in, if everyone could just learn to forgive THEMSELVES!

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!