Loss - A Love Story

Loss.  It's a horrible word, isn't it?  We lose those that we love.  We lose friends.  We lose our keys.  We lose our pets.  We lose our house.  We lose our money.  We lose our minds, perhaps.  Can loss be a "good thing"?  Is it possible that losing everything can bring you to a place of loving yourself more fully?

Loss can and does chisel away at us.  It can break your spirit and leave you feeling empty inside.  It can bring with it so much pressure and pain that you feel as if you're going to explode!  I wonder though. . . . .could it possibly be responsible for all the growth in our lives?  Can I say that I am who I am today BECAUSE of my losses?  Yes, in fact, I can.

The pressure of losing my family has forced me to be a stronger, more independent woman.  Something, I truly didn't think was even possible.  I was already quite self sufficient.  In fact, probably TOO self sufficient.  It's not about that though, it's about being free from the nonsense that came with trying to please my family.  Trying to pretend away a lifetime of sorrow and abuse.  I was forced to play the ostrich and just stick my head into the sand and act as if that was normal behavior.  My independence from that has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.  So, from the loss, I've gained a new sense of myself.  My true self.

The agony that I felt when I lost my grandfather, taught me that there's an inherent risk to loving someone.  It brought into sharp focus what, exactly happens when death reaches out and grabs our loved ones away from us.  I learned this at seven years old.  I carried that pain with me until I was 25.  I kept it tucked away, safe from view of the outside world, yet; I couldn't even speak my grandfather's name without ripping the wound open and allowing my tears to pour out.  When I was 25, I finally made the trek back to his graveside and said my final goodbye.  I still miss him.  I still hurt for him.  What I learned from the loss was that I love deeply, fully and completely.  Something, I'm grateful to know!

Being someone's "best friend" sets you up for all sorts of things.  Loss, unfortunately, is one of them.  What happens to you when they leave?  When the move away?  When the don't like you anymore?  When you just simply grow apart?  Loss.  You feel it to your core.  Loving deeply doesn't only apply to my family, but, to my friends, too.  I care about them in every way.  I want them to succeed.  I want them to be happy, healthy and live a long, long time.  Sometimes though, those feelings aren't mutual.  Sometimes, people who we let into our lives don't fit, precisely.  Sometimes, you grow apart.  Sometimes, you just can't see eye to eye. Sometimes, they're aren't who you think they are at all.  It would be nice to say that I've never experienced this, but, in fact, I have.  I had someone whom I loved, like she was part of my family and we had to part ways.  I was shattered.  I left a piece of myself behind.  A piece that, in the end, I've learned, I don't actually want or need anymore.  This loss helped me realize what my limits are.  That it's okay to set them and see it through to the end.  I'm now ALLOWED to be dissatisfied with the way I'm being treated and actually DO something about it.  Wow.  Irreplaceable gift!!!  Empowerment from loss.

I'm not saying that I'm loving all the loss in my life, especially right now.. .no, what I'm saying is that I truly think that I've become a healthier person through my losses.  The pressure is creating a diamond, not destroying a chunk of coal.  The pain is building my endurance. I can appreciate myself more now.  I can appreciate my friends and what family I DO have left, more.  I have a greater respect for those around me and, I hope, that they can have a greater respect for me, too.  So, in the end. . .loss has been the one great "love" of my life. Without it, I wouldn't be who I am; where am I; who I'm supposed to be.

Take a deep breath. . . . .It's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

Things that you CAN'T tell. . .just by looking.

Private pain.  By very definition is it, in fact, private.  However, at what point are we hurting ourselves by keeping such things a "secret"?  When is it completely acceptable to speak up for yourself?  To even whine a bit?  We, as a society, seem to root for the "under dog". . . .just so long as said under dog can "take it like a man" and not complain or FEEL like an under dog.  We're a walking contradiction.  We "say" that we want to be there for others, yet, when it really comes down to it. . .how many of us are 100% honest about what's really going on?  Under the surface?  Deep down?  You know; those things that you're truly, deeply AFRAID to say out loud, for fear of judgement or other negative ramifications? More over, how many of us would EXCEPT the total truth from someone whom we've told, "I'm here for you.  That's what friends are for!"  I wonder.  At what point, does the "stuffing" of such private pain, because a detriment, not only to ourselves, but to those we love?  Should I wait until I'm about to explode to let any of it out?  Should I EVER let any of it out?

As Mom's I know that we're expected to only talk wonderfully about our experiences with our children.  We're supposed to "love" it. . .all the time.  Every second.   Well, I don't.  There are times when I want to run away.  I want to drive the fifteen minutes it would take me to get to the airport and hop on a flight.  Any flight.  Just get me the hell outta here!!!  Sometimes, I just hate it.  I feel trapped and sucked dry.  Sometimes, I look back and wonder why the hell my Mom never did half the shit I do for my kids, for me?  Why didn't I deserve to have a mother who loved me?  I actually, honestly, feel jealous of my children.  BECAUSE I'm a good mom.  BECAUSE I love them, unconditionally.   (What kind of head fuck is that??)  Sometimes, of course, I love it.  I love 'giving better than I got'.  Don't get me wrong.  But, see, there again, I feel like I have to ENSURE that you know that I love my children.  I don't want  you to think badly of me or think that they're being abused or neglected or anything horrible like that.  Although. . . .why is it that father's can leave their children every single day and no one blinks an eye?

You see, it's just THIS kind of suppression that's getting to me.  I can't feel this way, because I'm a woman.  A mother.  I can't say or think or feel or want that, because I'm a wife.  I don't get the right to have a religious choice that's different from the masses, because mine is in the minority.  (Resistance is futile.)   I have to respect your need to change me.  Recruit me, even.  Save me.   Sit back and not say a word.  With a smile on my face, no less.  Well, guess what y'all. . ..it's piling up.  All the "little" injustices have just about buried me.  Now, each and every one of you has wonderful intentions.  I know that.   At least, I hope so.

Here's the rub, though.  There are more like you.  All around.  More people judging.  More people "helping".  How come I can't seem to get anyone to help me do the shit that I ACTUALLY want help with?  Like, laundry, for instance.  (Yes, I'm over simplifying. But, I hope that you "get" the idea.)  I mean, people want me to be all Mary Fucking Sunshine about the facts of my life.  Most days, I am.  But, seriously?  Don't I have a right to be a bit pissy about it all?  I mean. . .I'm the quintessential under dog, y'all.

No family.  No faith (in your eyes. . .).  No "proper" education.  Nothing on my resume for the last ten years, but scrubbing toilets and making food.  Abused.  Neglected.  Forgotten.  Disposed of.  And yet, I find the strength to get up every day and take care of my life, my children, my home, my husband, my dog, my cat, my friends.  But, I'm nowhere on that list.   And, YES, quite frankly I do want a fucking brownie button!!!   Perhaps, I'm in desperate need of some sympathy now.  I sure as hell, didn't get any then.   The problem, I've found, with being strong is that you have to just keep on being strong.  Hell, STRONGER even.  More and more and more and more gets dumped on you because, hell, let's face it, you can handle it. . . .right?  What are you complaining about?  I'm not beating you?  I'm not calling you names?  I don't even talk to you most of the time, but still.  When do I have permission to just lose it?  When are we Moms allowed to just let it all out?  I want to scream.  Truly.  Honestly.  Scream.

I've been married to my husband for fourteen years now.  We've been together for nearly 16 years.  We've never had a fight.  No.  Honestly.  NEVER.  Now, I'm sure that you're all like "Wow!  That's awesome!!"  No.  No, it's not.  I feel like you'd have to have some passion to fight.  We have none.  We're very "melba toast".  A whole lot of nothing going on here.  We co-exist.  We live under the same roof and are a thousand miles apart.  We don't believe the same things.  We don't agree on how to raise our daughters most days.  We don't even like the same movies or music, books or art.  Our sense of humor isn't quite matching either.  He rarely thinks I'm funny and I think that I'm hilarious!!!  (See, he has NO sense of humor at'tall. . .)    But, here again. . . .no one wants to talk about this.  You're just supposed to sit back and let your life happen to you.  I feel so suppressed that I can't even see straight.  I would love to get into a some great screaming match with him and then. . ..have some AMAZING MAKE-UP SEX!!!  OMG.  What would THAT be like?  I have no idea.  It's NEVER happened.  Never gonna happen.  We just don't operate that way.

I'm broken inside.  I realize that.  I'm no dummy.  But, I've learned to work around it.  But, the things that you can't tell, just by looking, are that I'm hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel alone.  I feel like I AM standing in the middle of a room screaming an not one human being can hear me.  I feel irrelevant.  I feel hollow.  I feel unseen.  I feel suffocated.  I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I feel afraid. Afraid that after you read this, you'll judge me.  Feel "sorry" for me.  Not want to be a part of my life anymore, because I'm too damaged.  Too dramatic.  Just. . . .too.   But, I beg of you, think really hard about yourself.  Consider all of those things inside of you, that you hide.  Pretend away.  Keep hidden from the outside world out of fear of reprisal.  And perhaps, you too, could find a small place in your heart for an under dog, like me.   I mean. . . .if YOU could (anonymously) "clear the air", say what you really feel, without anyone ever knowing that it came from you.  What would you say?  What can I not tell, about you, just by looking at you?

So, today. . .as you walk your path, be aware that there are probably a million things going on with the people you meet.  Half a million of them are happening under the surface; in some deep, dark corner of their mind.  Realize that they might not even be aware of it themselves.  We aren't only good at "lying" to you, but, we're EXPERTS at lying to ourselves.

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!

You and Me

You found out that you were pregnant with me and cried.
Not tears of joy, but, anger and sorrow.
I can't seem to grow on you.

I'm born unto you and you felt nothing.
You had me, but never wanted me.
I can't seem to reach you.

The more I grow up, the more you hate me.
I remind you of him, but, you hate him.
I try to be myself.

A young woman now, you push me away.
He wants me all to himself, but it should be you he touches at night.
I try to pretend it all away.

I leave the first chance I get and you don't ask me to stay.
I'm all alone, but, you don't care.
I look back and see nothingness, emptiness, a vacancy.

I find out that I'm pregnant and I cry.
Not out of happiness but fear and trepidation.
If I can't love you, how can she love me?

Pressure Cooker

My wonderful Papaw used to cook using a pressure cooker.  You know the type, right?  I remember being so fascinated and yet terrified of it.  I remember the way it seemed to be alive; shaking, rattling and making noise.  I remember expecting it to explode  --  standing back, peeking around the corner just in case it did.

I'm the pressure cooker now.

Don't get me wrong, I realize, of course, that I've brought this on myself.  Every towel must be hung perfectly every second of every day, in my house.  The floors must always be freshly vacuumed, swept and/or mopped, every second of every day, in my house.  Clothes must be pristine at all time.  Dust has no place in my home.  Movies are alphabetized, spices are, too.  Bills are paid ahead of time, electronically.  No room for "error" or a "oops", there.  People must be listened to, respected and appreciated.  They also are allowed limitless chances to make mistakes and be forgiven.  I'm never allowed to be angry with anyone.  I'm not allowed to "write people off", as people are NOT disposable.  If I speak up for myself, then I'll be perceived as a "bitch" and, let's face it, no one wants THAT!.  I'm not allowed to want anything.  I'm not allowed to aspire to BE anything more than I already am.  I would be a bad person if I felt anything other than blessed to have my home, my husband, my children.  Feeling resentful about anything is an emotion that should be stuffed down, at all costs.  There is NO room for failure.  Meals must be cooked to perfection, each day.  They must be nutritious and delicious.  Everyone in my life, should everything they want, the minute they want it.  If I can't produce, can't keep up, can't give enough, then I've failed.  You get the picture.  Type A personality ---- all the way.   So, I know, in my soul, that the way I feel today, is ALL MY FAULT.  Please do NOT write me and tell me such.  I already KNOW it.   

However. . . . ."knowing it" and being able to "snap myself out it" are two VERY different things.  I often wonder what switch gets "flipped" when I'm able to be thankful for everything around me and why sometimes, that same switch gets "flipped off" and I see it all as a burden.  A large burden at that.  Why can't I just see this wonderful house as a blessing, every single day?  Why can't I appreciate that I've found a man that will tolerate me?  Why can't I look into my beautiful daughters eyes and feel complete?  Whole?  Fulfilled?  Why isn't the "everything" I have --enough?  Why do I feel like I might explode?  The pressure cooker is really singing these days. . . . . .whistling its damn head off, actually.

I think that it quite possibly could be the fact that I have no control in my life.  None.  I don't have a say in when I wake up, when I go to sleep, what I eat for dinner, when I eat dinner,  when I'll ever get a "break", vacations are a "no go" around here.  There's very little to look forward to.  I "get to" do today what I did yesterday.  Which, coincidentally, is the same thing I'll be doing tomorrow.  I can't force people to be kind hearted and honest.  I can't make people be sincere and genuine. I can't seem to be nice enough to soften some people.  I can't make the people who've wronged me, make it right.  I can't force the people who have shut me out, to allow me back in.  I can't change my husband. Hell, I can't even really tell him what's wrong.  I'm too damn scared.  I'm also too afraid to open up to my friends about how I feel.  Will I be seen as weak?  Pathetic?  Depressed?  (I get so tired of EVERY woman being labeled as depressed the SECOND she has some emotion other than happiness.)  I have thoughts that I can't share.  Feelings that I can't express.  Let the pressure build.

I've spent my life caring about other people.  I like to volunteer.  I'm the person to come to if you NEED something.  Anything.  I like being needed.  I like helping.  I love to love.  I love you for even reading this.  Taking time out of your busy life to read words that I've written.  Nice.  I love people who've hurt me and done the "unforgivable".  I've forgiven them.  I've stayed in relationships, both friendly and romantic long after they became unhealthy for me.  I've sacrificed my own sense of self and sanity, in order to stay close to people; only to have them discard me once my purpose was served.  I've always been the dumped, never the dumpee.  I would never discard someone --- EVER.  Boy, that cooker is rocking and rolling now.

I want something to look forward to.  I want more.  More love.  More kindness.  More closure.  More of an explanation of the "why of it".  I want someone to look at me and see me for who I really am.  I want to be able to BE who I really am and still be loved.  I want to speak up for myself and not be seen as bitchy or bossy or selfish.  I want to stop allowing the pressure to build up inside me, to a dangerous level.  I want to be happy and healthy and thankful.   Verily, I want nirvana.  I want people to nice to each other. I want for people to see that our differences don't make us enemies; they simply make us WHO WE ARE.  I want people to work together to build each other up; not spend all their time being manipulative and trying to tear each other down.  I want us to listen to each other and really HEAR what we each have to say.  It's all valuable.  I want to find my own voice.  I want to speak clearly and feel heard.  I want my wants to be important to someone, too.  I want to be able to allow myself to have desires and not feel guilty about it.   I want to be dissatisfied with my life and not be judged for it.  I want to be able to be honest about it and not be talked about behind my back.  I want to be able to tell people the whole truth and not be terrified.  I want the fact that I'm nice, honest, caring and soft hearted to be seen as good things.  Hell, even strengths, not weaknesses.  I want to STOP being seen as an "easy target".  TOOT!!!!!!  I think that the cooker is telling you --- it's done.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know how to release the pressure.  I don't know how to "let go" of the dream that one day, everyone will actually care about everyone else.  I DO know that it's a child's dream that I have.  I also know that children always have the best dreams.  The truest dreams.  The purest dreams.  Perhaps, the most REAL dreams, aspirations, plans.  I can look around and see plenty of "grown ups" who could use a good dose of "dream" into their lives.   So, you can call me childish if you want.  I don't mind.  I suppose, in the end, I've come to realize that the pressure cooker is what makes the meat so tender.  Perhaps, it too, is what makes my heart so tender.  My feelings so raw and exposed.  Isn't it also the pressure that creates the diamond?  The pearl?  Granite?   Perhaps, one day, I too will become stronger from the pressure.  But, today----(heavy sigh)---- today, I just feel like I might blow my lid!!!!

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

Facebook OR Fakebook?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine last week.  Yes.  A "real life" conversation.  Not a text or IM, but a real life, face to face conversation.  Shocking.  I know.  Possibly MORE shocking, is the fact that she is NOT a Facebooker.  Yes, there are a few hold outs in the world.  Mainly, in Africa, but, clearly, there are even some crazy people who don't see the "benefit" of social networking, here -- in America!  After I got over my initial shock, I asked her "why"?  Why did she CHOOSE to not be a part of something so "convenient, fun, wide spread and addictive"?  Her answer actually made a whole lot of sense to me.  Perhaps, TOO much sense, even.

She told me that she had "gone on" with a friend of hers who DOES FB, and they were "looking around" and she noticed how everyone's "profile" showed things like "I went to Harvard AND Yale and I'm the President of some huge Fortune 500 company, married to a super model with 2.5 children and a McMansion."  Also, included was some glamor shot photo to show how "high school skinny" they still were.  All of course, with "BIG SMILES" and lots of travel photos to impress you with how many vacations they take every year.  There wasn't ONE REAL thing on it.  Hmmmmm.  Interesting.  Is she right?

Possibly.  I have noticed that most people only like to post "perfect" status updates and happy go lucky quotes that will inspire others to be better, happier people.  I'm in NO WAY saying that that's a bad thing.  Being uplifting and inspiring is a good thing. at its core.  What I don't like is the fakeness.  (Made up word alert!)  I don't like that when someone IS real, people commit friend homicide---  they UNFRIEND you!!!  Painful.  Scary and, sometimes even --- confusing??!!  Using social media as a weapon.  Who knew?  I hate that when I've posted things that WEREN'T full of roses and sunshine and was honest about painful periods of my life, I was, well. . . .shall we say . . . ."let go"?  Wow.  What message does that send to our children?  Don't be real.  Don't like people who are real.  Life will always be perfect and if it's not, well, then FAKE THAT SHIT!!  WHAT???  Really?  We seem to be all about not "bullying" right now.  We've finally figured out that name calling, emotional blackmail and out right emotional abuse are bad things!  Woo fucking hoo!  We seem to know all of that when it applies to thirteen year olds and kids on the playground.  Yet, we can't seem to apply it to ourselves.

I've been told, and I quote -  "Facebook was the death of you."  In reference to the way that someone's spouse felt about me.  Hm?  Really?  Gee, let me see. . .I was having an EXTREMELY hard time in my life and I made a conscious choice to NOT pretend it away.  Maybe even to reach out a bit and hope that someone could inspire or up lift me.   What did I get?  Nada.  I got told that I was "complaining too much" and "what did I want, SYMPATHY?"  Well.  MayBE.  Maybe I deserved some fucking sympathy.  Some compassion.  Some love.  Nope.  Instead, I got "unfriended" and talked about behind my back.  I got made fun of.  I got ridiculed. . .by my "friends".  What does that sound like?  You got it --- BULLYING.

So, what did I do in response?  Made another choice ----- to be fake.  To only post "happy go lucky" news.  To stop being real.  To stop expressing when life had bitten me in the ass.  To stop looking for the love and acceptance of my Facebook family.  I learned that that list of "friends" that I have is total and complete bullshit.  They're not your friends.  They're the voyeurs to your life.  They want you to see how well they're doing and knock you down every chance they get.  Facebook is their PR representative.  It's their way to "spin" their life into something that it's not.  I say "they" and I suppose what I should be saying is "WE".

So, here I am, no better than anyone else on fucking Facebook.  Faking my way through each day.  Contemplating every single status update and trying to figure out how it will be perceived.  I'm still "wrong" as much as I'm right, though.  I'm not sure that being fake suits me.  I start controversial posts --- unintentionally.  I piss people off with my belief system.  Some people have chosen to only reply to my posts when they can lash out and hurt me.  Whatever.  I mean, it's all fake anyway ---- right?  How can I let what anyone says on Fakebook hurt?   We all know that it's MUCH easier to "type" something shitty to someone than it is to actually SAY it to their faces.  Gee, I'm so glad that we've finally found a new way to hurt each other.

So, in the end, I suppose that my non-Facebooking friend is lucky.  She'll never be unfriended.  She'll never have to worry that her latest status update will start an emotional "war" between her and her "friends".  She'll never have to feel fake and therefore, disappointed in herself.  Maybe NOT drinking this purple Kool-Aid would be better.  Better, for ALL of us.   Or maybe, just maybe, we should all take a deep breath, sit back and realize that it's just a way to "peek inside" other people's lives.  Lives are dirty.  Things go wrong.  There are good days and bad days.  Really think about what you're typing to ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, before you hit the "enter" button.  Maybe, we should ALL be more real.  Maybe, we should all live and let live.  Perhaps, being imperfect, compassionate and open minded would, in fact, teach our children MORE than being judgmental, hypocritical and cruel.

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

Regrets and Revelations

I've often heard that you "never regret the things that you do, but the things that you don't".  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that that's true in a lot of cases.  I'm sure that it's possible that, one day, I'll look back and think, "Damn, I really wonder what my life would of, could of, should of been like, had I accepted that VP position with Ohio Casualty?"  But, I can honestly say. . . I regret a ton of shit that I've done.

I regret the ice cream that calls to me, that I usually answer with "YES, please.  I'll take two scoops!"  I regret wasting a lot of my life trying to please everybody else and, in the end, never succeeding.  I regret the times that I've hurt people, whether by action or inaction.  I regret that I couldn't find a more productive use of my energy than to harm another.  I regret all those times that I didn't speak up for myself and let people walk all over me.  I regret all the time that I wasted with people who really didn't deserve my time, love, affection, friendship and energy.  I regret that I didn't "kick them to the curb" years ago.  I regret that I didn't, okay, to be honest here --- that I STILL DON'T have the BALLS to tell that crazy bitch that she's crazy and to get the fuck out of my life!!  Whoa.  Where did that come from?  Anyway. . . .I regret that I didn't have enough strength the first time a man hurt me to turn around and kick his ASS!!  I regret that I haven't spent every second of my sweet daughters' lives worshipping them.  I regret that I've misfocused (my word of the day, y'all.  Embrace it.) so much of my energy OUTWARD and didn't leave enough inside to really love my husband or myself.   I regret that I've let what other people think of me mean more to me than what I think of me.

So.  Where does all this leave me?  Full of regrets. . .one might say?  Nah.  Not really.  The revelation here is this ----  I know it.  I know it all. . . . now.  I've been lucky enough to realize all of this in time.  I'm still young.  Okay.  Okay. . .young-ISH (another word of the day.  Embrace, remember?)  I feel blessed to KNOW that I don't want to be the VP of Ohio Casualty's anything.  I won't waste my time on that crazy bitch, because, well, SHE'S CRAZY!!!  I've stopped trying to please everyone else.  (For the most part. . .this one is tough people.  Believe me.  It is!!)   I'm working on focusing my energy on mine. My children.  My husband.  My- gulp - self.  I will NEVER allow a man to hurt me again!  (Can I get a "YOU GO GIRL!" Or something??)  I'm remembering to live in the moment with my girls.  To really focus on them.  See them.  Love them.  TEACH them.  Mold them into the women that I know they can be.  I'm allowing them to teach me how to be the Mom that THEY need.

Now, the ice cream still calls to me.  So does the chocolate cake, chocolate bar, chocolate chip cookies.  (You see the trend here.)  But, it IS getting easier and easier to ignore them.  Now, it wouldn't feel right to COMPLETELY ignore them, but, alas, I can "visit" them. . .less often.  I've started to see the value in me.  That I, indeed, do deserve to be healthy and happy.  Finding the balance between chocolate and the elliptical is my next "goal".  

Perhaps my most significant "revelation" has been the energy that I  put into other people.  I've become quite selective of the folks whom I choose to spend my precious time.  My precious energy.  My 'words of wisdom" (okay, don't puke or click that nasty little "x" in the upper right hand corner. . .you know what I mean!)   I'm just being VERY careful whom I "let in".  Whom I love.  Whom I allow to be an influence in my life.  I'm choosing to surround myself with wonderful, healthy, adult, mature, loving, like minded, beautiful (in every way) women.  They honestly feed my soul.  My spirit has never felt so at home.  Even though several of the friendships are "new" and very fragile.  I feel confident that they will be honest.  Humbling.  Empowering.  Loving.   ---------  Something I will NEVER regret.

Take a deep breath. . . .It's just another day in Perfect!!!!!