I know, I know......another person talking about abuse. Another "blog" that's all negative and depressing. Can't this lady get happy already? Of course, I can. I am happy. I'm usually happy. I CHOOSE to be happy. I'm happy, even when I shouldn't be. I'm happy when no one else can imagine that they, themselves, would be happy. Maybe I'm just blissfully unaware of my surroundings.
The "abuse" legacy in my life, goes WAY back. My Mother chose to marry an abusive man. She then chose to have a child with him; me. He proceeded to abuse both of us until she found the strength to leave. I can tell you, from my own experience, that THAT is an act of faith and ultimate survival instinct. My father has chosen to NOT be a part of my life until I was an adult. He now asks for money and sympathy and lies to me every time he calls. I CHOOSE to not speak to him anymore. Again, survival instinct at it's finest!
My Mother then married a man who CHOSE to sexually abuse me. He deludes himself and says that he's "in love" with me. Forgoing the notion that a grown man being "in love" with a child, is just plain sick and wrong. I sometimes feel like he married my mother (after only 3 months of dating) as a way to get closer to me. Bizarre.
I moved out of my parents house and moved into a house with another man who chose to abuse me. My first husband was (and still is, as far as I know) a drug addict and an alcoholic. He likes to beat women. I, myself, took in a woman whom he had beaten after we divorced. I helped her get her wits about her and assisted her in leaving him. When he and I were together he liked to call me names, degrade me, push me, punch me, strangle me and threaten to kill me with a loaded gun. When I found the strength to leave him, nearly a decade later, I was a mess. Broken.
Now, my story isn't unique by any means. I know too many women who have similar stories. Tragic. I guess what I'm wondering is---why? Why do we settle? Why do we not see it for what it is straight away? Why don't we run as soon as the alarm bells go off? Unbelievable. Yet, common. Why don't we see our own value? Why couldn't I believe that I DESERVED better? Why don't I believe it now? Is the abuse to blame or am I? Do I "attract" this to myself, somehow? Am I "asking for it"? Intriguing. Do we, those of us who've been abused, give off some vibe? A vibration that only the abusive can feel? I'm not sure. It sometimes FEELS that way. Confusing. Sad.
I seem to find myself, even to this day, accepting things that others would not. I don't seem to have a good sense of where the "line" is. I don't know when someone crosses it with me. I know even less, what to do to get them to get "back on their side". Pathetic. I find myself being willing to put up with just about anything in the hopes that I won't be abandoned Left. Alone. I'm terrified to set limits. I don't feel entitled to it. I don't feel entitled to anything really. Heartbreaking. When I do find my voice and put it to use, it usually back fires. I tend to speak up at the "wrong moment" and about the "wrong issue". It does shock folks when I stand up and say "Hey, wait a minute. I'm here. I matter. See me. Listen to me. Please stop hurting me." Surprising.
I'm working on it. I'm trying to "get over it". In that, I realize that it's really more a matter of getting THROUGH it. As a wonderful lady (Alanis) has said, "The only way out, is through." This couldn't more true then when it comes to abuse. You can't go back in time. You can stop being a person who suffered at the hands of an abuser. What you can do is this; never let anyone abuse you again. This includes friends, family and coworkers. It's not just spouses that abuse us. Maybe, just maybe the most important person to stop abusing you, is you. It's high time I learn my value. To see it. To feel it. It has to become a part of me. I have to really believe that I have it, or else, no one else will believe it. I truly think that it's easier to abuse someone when they think so little of themselves that THEY'RE beating themselves up worse than anything anyone else could ever do to them. I know that I fall into this category. Embarrassing. It's a process people!
So, when the day comes that someone, with a little voice, stands up and screams at you "Hey....listen to me. See me. Here I am." What are you going to do? How are you going to react? We all need to realize that we're all the walking wounded. I believe that, for the most part, people are doing the best they can. Be gentle with your friend, lover, wife, business partner, boss, secretary or sister, when they shock you and let you in on their "little secret"......they've been abusing themselves for years. Today just might the day that they CHOSE to stop it. Today might be the day and YOU might be the person who they're starting with. See it as the opportunity that it truly is. Notice how it feels to have them stand up to you. Question you. Challenge you. Be thankful for them. Let them know that you value them. That you hear them. That you see them. Appreciate what courage it has taken for them to even stand up in the first place.
I have a good friend who said to me yesterday, "Why do you let this continue?". I had no answer. THAT made me think twice. Three times. More. About who I am.....now. Who I continue to be. All the who's and what's and when's and where's didn't make me think as much as that one "why". Powerful. So, if you love me......look out. Today might be the day that I choose to speak up.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in Perfect!!!
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