Ah yes, love. The almighty end all be all. Wars are fought over it. (According to my husband, anyway.) People end their lives because of it. Some people get snatched bald headed, over it. (Yes, I'm from Texas and I did just say "bald headed".) People lose their damn minds. All in the name of "L-O-V-E".
What's the big deal? It truly is a simple hormonal reaction to stimuli. Simple and illogical. I for one, am quite angry that we have no control over who we feel this hormonal surge over. I hate the fact that outside sources have such control over me; and it. Let's take nostalgia for instance; this "simple" hormonal reaction to a fond memory of the past can wreak havoc on us. Remembering the way you felt when you loved him. How tender his arms were when he held you. How innocent the love was. How innocent you were. It's all fake. That's the past. Get over it. Grow up!! But yet-------there's something irresistible about the familiar. The comfortable. The fun of the 'past'. We seem to have forgotten, assuming that the relationship wasn't completely horrible, why we didn't end up married to said person, in the first place. Damn hormones!
I am one of those girls who used to sit in my room for hours, listening to "torch songs". You know the ones. The ones that slowly but surely rip your poor heart apart. The ones that remind you of him. Of you AND him. Of you and him TOGETHER. Boo-fucking-hoo. I would waste an entire box of tissues and end up with red puffy eyes for days over Mr. Fucking Wonderful. Why would I torture myself so? Love. Plain and simple. I love----A LOT. Nowadays, I sit in my car and do the exact same thing. Embarrassing, yet true. I suppose the classics never do die.
I cry over the people that I've loved who never loved me back. I cry for the people who loved me more than I loved them. I cry for the people I wish I could have loved but never quite got the chance. Yes, I am an idiot. Although, again, I will blame hormones. I find the pain reassuring in some way. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I CAN feel. It reminds me that I have a lot of love to give. It reminds me that I need to make dinner. (Oh wait, no........) It reminds me that I need more dopamine. Ha!
Ah---dopamine. That feel good hormone that's to blame for all this love nonsense. (Granted there are other hormones involved in that "loving feeling", but, we'll just keep it simple stupid.) I find that I crave it if I don't have enough. Now, medically, I know that I do suffer from a low dopamine level. However, I don't think that that in and of itself is enough of an explanation for why I just love to be in love. Is it because I'm a woman? Perhaps. Is it because I'm bored? Maybe. Is it because I suffer from abandonment issues and have a inferiority complex? Oh wait.....different blog. Sorry! Who knows? Not me. That's for damn sure.
I've found myself in some pretty sticky situations because I've gotten the whole "love thing" wrong. I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I mean, who hasn't gotten the whole friendship/ lover thing mixed up before? I can't be the only one who has confused lust for love, can I? I don't believe that I'm the only one who went from strictly hating someone to making mad passionate love with them in a matter of weeks? (Don't leave me hangin' here guys....can I get a "Hell yeah!!") I'm also ashamed to admit that I've even confused sex for love. Blasphemy, I realize. Men will laugh; women will be appalled. Yes, tis true. I let those pesky sex hormones get all mixed up in my brain and they ended up feeling exactly like those pesky love hormones. Damn it!! The lack of control infuriates me.
I've been hurt by men who lost control of their hormones and slept with someone else, whilst being in a relationship with me. I've also forgiven said men, due to my own hormones. I ask you----what the fuck? Why, oh why, are we so driven by our hormones? Why in the world would our bodies depend on them so much, when they're wrong as many times as their right? (If one of you says "procreation" I'm going to scream!!!)
I just wish that it were easier, this whole love thing. I wish that my heart was unable to feel it when I shouldn't. I wish that there were some way to keep it burning, when times get tough. I wish that there were some way to turn it off. To make it impossible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time. I mean, it seems fair enough. Logical even. Why would there even be a need for such nonsense? I have no idea. Truly. It seems more like a defect really. Shouldn't your heart be incapable of feeling that way towards more than one person at a time? I think so. It would surely make life a lot easier. No infidelity. Less divorce, for sure. Or would there be? Maybe it is that way now and we're just too stupid to see it.
The medical community has proven that the "seven year itch" really does happen. Why does it happen you might ask? Stupid. Ass. Hormones. The wonderful dopamine cocktail rush that we all feel when we first meet; that floaty, gitty, "Oh, I can't sleep or eat or breathe without thinking about you" crap. Yeah, that wears off in about five to seven years. Then what. Reality. The drudgery of day to day living kicks in. Now you might have kids by now. And a mortgage (or two!). And you're both working your asses off just trying to "keep it all together". She might gain some "baby weight" and he stops even trying to be romantic. What are you left with? NO MORE FEEL GOOD HORMONES! And what happens......bum, bum, bum.......someone cheats. Shocking.
Aha!!! So, see....you stop FEELING like you love each other anymore. Then what happens.? POOF...someone new walks in your door and you're all like "Huh? What? You mean you actually want to know about ME? You're not asking me where your socks are and when dinner will be ready?" Wow. Now that's a concept. And that hot chick staring at you really does want to know all about your favorite football team and just EXACTLY what did you do at work all day? Schwing. And that's all it took.....a little time and attention and now what do you have------FEEL GOOD HORMONES!
You can see where this is leading. Down the road to destruction. And why, I ask you???? HORMONES! I hate them. I wish that I could flip a switch and turn them off or on. I wish that that little squirt I still get, every now and again, when my husband dresses a certain way or says a certain thing or holds my hand at just the right moment would last forever. I wish that that little squirt he still gets when I make the "perfect meal" or wear his favorite perfume or hold his hand at just the right moment, would stick, too. Alas. It doesn't.
It hardly seems fair. Sometimes, I feel destined to fail. I feel like sitting in the car listening to sad songs and crying my eyes out will be something I do until the day I die. Why do I feel this way? (You already know the answer.)
Take a deep breath.........it's just another day in Perfect!!
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