I feel compelled to speak out on a topic that is near and dear to all of our hearts; unconditional love. Furthermore, I'm part of a small group studying the notion that women need unconditional love and that men need unconditional respect. An interesting premiss. However wonderful and enlightening these weekly meetings have been, I can see one huge flaw........us. Humans. We, as a group, are unable to really comprehend the concept of "unconditional".
I mean, let's face it; all of your actions and reactions are conditional. It's difficult to answer questions about yourself when they seem too "black and white". Such as---"Would you say that you're more logical or emotional?" Well, it depends, doesn't it. Are we talking about financially? Are we talking about parenting style? Are we talking about music, painting...the arts? We're all shades of grey. We all feel that circumstances change our reactions. We KNOW this instinctively. Yet, we set ourselves up to fail if we truly EXPECT ourselves to be able to love and/or respect someone unconditionally.
I know what you're thinking........"But, I love my children unconditionally!!". I beg to differ. If you can't think of one thing that your child could possibly do that would change the way you feel about them, then you're not very imaginative. Sorry. It's just true. I speak from experience, that it IS truly possible to stop loving someone whom, in theory, I should have been incapable of stopping my love for. It takes a deep, gaping wound. However, it IS possible.
Now, let's think about our partner. Your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Hm. What could THEY do that would make me lose my love or respect for them? Is that list easier to make? I believe that it is. I believe that these emotions are related to each other and I can see where a man needs MORE respect than love and where a woman needs MORE love than respect. We all need both, of course, this is an oversimplification of a very complex principle. However, the two emotions (yes, I believe that respect is an emotion. Sorry, guys.) are an integral part of every relationship. They are "hand in hand". You can have one without the other, but, things just don't move smoothly. Things are out of balance. But, let's face it. I can think of many, many reasons why my husband could and would stop loving me. I can think of many, many reasons why he'd feel no respect for me. And vice versa.
So, why do we set ourselves up this way? Why do we force ourselves into these situations in which we can't possibly achieve "perfection"? Are we simply striving? Are we hoping that if we push ourselves to attempt to feel something "unconditionally" that maybe....just maybe, we'll REALLY feel it----most of the time? I hope so. I'd like to think that this unattainable goal is more like a holy grail of sorts. I pray that we KNOW that we're never going to feel that way, but, damn it.....I hope I do!!
I can't believe that I'm alone in my knowledge of the fact that all of my feelings are conditional. All of my relationships are conditional. Shouldn't they be? Shouldn't we have limits? Isn't is more healthy to know when to get the hell out of Dodge? If we really, truly loved our spouses with an unconditional zest, wouldn't we stay in unhealthy situations eternally? If I truly respected my husband, even when he hasn't earned that respect, aren't I setting him up to fail? Don't we all need to know when we're behaving badly? Don't we all need a reality check every now and again? Would I be doing him a disservice if I made him think that his behavior is not only acceptable but was his "cheer leader", no matter what? Now, don't get me wrong----I have been awakened to the notion that being overtly disrespectful to my husband is toxic to him. I can see that "bashing" him, publicly (which I've been guilty of---A LOT) is probably the worst thing I could have ever done to him. For that, I am truly, deeply apologetic. But, at what point are we just blowing sunshine up each others ass? At what point does it do more harm than good? I have no answer.
I can say for sure, that my feelings for my friends is conditional. My feelings for my siblings is conditional. My feelings for my parents is conditional. As are their feelings for me. I mean, this goes both ways, people. You have to behave, as well. I have to be accountable for how I treat people. Just because you're my friend, sister, mother, husband doesn't mean that I can (or should) expect you to love me without limit. That's ludicrous. When we reverse it back onto ourselves, it seems "easier" to see that conditions, in fact, not only exist but are ENFORCED each and every day. Who hasn't been abandoned by someone who you thought COULD not possibly leave you? Who hasn't done something, so bad, that the people in your life have had to "send you a packing".....(see my blog on "Consequences"). For whatever reason, I find it an easier concept, when I look back on my own experiences. It's much easier for me to notice all the "flaws" in myself. All the ways in which I've hurt people and thusly, lost their love and respect.
My husband teases me and says that I have a "fairy tale" way of looking at the world; that I want the world to be a "Utopia". He's right. I do. But, even I know.......there is no such thing as "unconditional" anything. Not love. Not respect. Nothing. We, as humans, put conditions on EVERYTHING. So, don't beat yourself up when you hit your limit with a "loved one". Don't give up on them entirely. Give them a chance or two....or a thousand. You'll know when your internal limit has been breached. Limits are good. They're healthy. They're necessary. So, I'm giving up on the notion that anyone will ever love me unconditionally. I'm giving myself permission to love and respect you----CONDITIONALLY. It's just my truth.
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in "Perfect"!!!!
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