So, it's done. Finished. Over with. My marriage that is. . . .and the divorce. It's done. It's . . .all. . . just. . . DONE! It's strange really. The divorce took eight minutes. Yes, you read that correctly. EIGHT. MINUTES. That was all the time it took to murder a family. Eight FUCKING minutes! They have this shit down, I tell ya. . . .to a science, for sure. It's very clinical. They're very clinical. The magistrate and the recorder. They sat patiently waiting for my answers to questions that stuck in my throat, through my tears. But, here's what this has all taught me:
Nothing matters. No, I don't mean that to sound all cynical and negative. If anything it's the opposite. It's the fact that those eight minutes don't really MEAN anything. I was still the same person I was when I got there, when I left. I didn't crumble or crack or fall over or. . .DIE, like I thought I was going to. Did I cry? Yes!! Like a fucking BABY!!!!! I cried on my ex-husband's shoulder. Yes, you read THAT right, too, I cried on. his. shoulder. He let me get snot and tears all over his nice shirt. And you know what? It didn't matter. He wasn't pissed about it. He wasn't "put out". He can always wash his shirt. It didn't matter that, as of 10 seconds prior to the bawling fit, we were no longer married. It just, simply, didn't matter. I was hurting and he held me. Period.
It doesn't matter that, as far as the state is concerned, I'm single. Single, people. Single. I haven't been "single" since I was 14 years old back at good old "Smoky Hill High School", just prior to dating Keith! What does one do some 32 years later? How does one "date" again? I have no idea and it doesn't matter anyway. I'll figure it out. Or I won't. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Life will go on.
It doesn't matter that I loved my ex-husband in a way that, probably, wasn't healthy. It doesn't matter that I wish I would have showed him how much I loved him better. In a way that would have made him KNOW it, every single day. It doesn't matter that I now know how lucky I was to be allowed to stay at home with our daughters and raise them, the right way, in our eyes. It doesn't matter that I now realize I should have had more fun when I was there. I should have allowed myself to go to lunch more often. I should have stopped cleaning so much and allowed myself to relax. It doesn't matter that I know for a fact that I tried EVERYTHING I knew how to do to save my marriage. It doesn't matter that it didn't work. It just doesn't. . . . . .
If I could give anyone a piece of my heart and some sound advice whilst going through the divorce process it's this. . . .it. doesn't. matter. That piano doesn't matter. The house doesn't matter. Who's right and who's wrong, doesn't matter. Even when it's GLARINGLY apparent! None of it matters. The day that you get a divorce is just like the day before it and the day after it. There's nothing special about it. Truly. There's not! You'll survive. It'll be different and painful and difficult and nearly impossible some days, but it, in the end, still doesn't even matter. You'll wake up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other. Then, you'll wake up the next day and do the same. And the next day and so on, until you forget what even broke you up in the first place. You'll settle into a routine. You'll find your path. There will only be the one set of footprints now, instead of two, but that doesn't matter either. Eventually, you'll walk so far away that you can't even see the path that you both were walking down, once upon a time.
Just know that none of this shit, that you're going through right now, matters. You matter. Your children (if you have them) matter. That's really it. That's all. Don't make it more than it is. Don't make it less than it is. It's a divorce. That's it. And really. . . . .it just doesn't even matter!
Take a deep breath. . . . it's just another day in Perfect!
Nothing matters. No, I don't mean that to sound all cynical and negative. If anything it's the opposite. It's the fact that those eight minutes don't really MEAN anything. I was still the same person I was when I got there, when I left. I didn't crumble or crack or fall over or. . .DIE, like I thought I was going to. Did I cry? Yes!! Like a fucking BABY!!!!! I cried on my ex-husband's shoulder. Yes, you read THAT right, too, I cried on. his. shoulder. He let me get snot and tears all over his nice shirt. And you know what? It didn't matter. He wasn't pissed about it. He wasn't "put out". He can always wash his shirt. It didn't matter that, as of 10 seconds prior to the bawling fit, we were no longer married. It just, simply, didn't matter. I was hurting and he held me. Period.
It doesn't matter that, as far as the state is concerned, I'm single. Single, people. Single. I haven't been "single" since I was 14 years old back at good old "Smoky Hill High School", just prior to dating Keith! What does one do some 32 years later? How does one "date" again? I have no idea and it doesn't matter anyway. I'll figure it out. Or I won't. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Life will go on.
It doesn't matter that I loved my ex-husband in a way that, probably, wasn't healthy. It doesn't matter that I wish I would have showed him how much I loved him better. In a way that would have made him KNOW it, every single day. It doesn't matter that I now know how lucky I was to be allowed to stay at home with our daughters and raise them, the right way, in our eyes. It doesn't matter that I now realize I should have had more fun when I was there. I should have allowed myself to go to lunch more often. I should have stopped cleaning so much and allowed myself to relax. It doesn't matter that I know for a fact that I tried EVERYTHING I knew how to do to save my marriage. It doesn't matter that it didn't work. It just doesn't. . . . . .
If I could give anyone a piece of my heart and some sound advice whilst going through the divorce process it's this. . . .it. doesn't. matter. That piano doesn't matter. The house doesn't matter. Who's right and who's wrong, doesn't matter. Even when it's GLARINGLY apparent! None of it matters. The day that you get a divorce is just like the day before it and the day after it. There's nothing special about it. Truly. There's not! You'll survive. It'll be different and painful and difficult and nearly impossible some days, but it, in the end, still doesn't even matter. You'll wake up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other. Then, you'll wake up the next day and do the same. And the next day and so on, until you forget what even broke you up in the first place. You'll settle into a routine. You'll find your path. There will only be the one set of footprints now, instead of two, but that doesn't matter either. Eventually, you'll walk so far away that you can't even see the path that you both were walking down, once upon a time.
Just know that none of this shit, that you're going through right now, matters. You matter. Your children (if you have them) matter. That's really it. That's all. Don't make it more than it is. Don't make it less than it is. It's a divorce. That's it. And really. . . . .it just doesn't even matter!
Take a deep breath. . . . it's just another day in Perfect!
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