I've had something of an epiphany in the last week or so. I don't know what to do about it, with it, for it. . .whatever. I'm at a loss. Truly.
I found out that I don't "accept" anything from people on purpose. I try my damnedest to not "receive". I like to give. . .hell, I LOVE to give. I'll give until I'm so depleted that I have nothing left and then, I'll give some MORE!!! I like that feeling. I like to feel empty. Hollow. Incomplete. It feels comfortable to me. It feels like home. More over, it feels safe. If I don't allow you to give to me then it won't hurt so badly when you leave. I don't want to get used to "getting" from you, because then. ..when it's over, I'll miss it. I'll miss you. I can't have that. No. Really. I. Can't. Have. That.
I've built this little protective wall around myself that won't let anyone get too close to me. Sure, I've got friends whom I'm honest with about my life, my feelings, my dreams, etc. That's not what I'm talking about. It's this intangible "thing" that I don't ever receive. I don't take it in. Ever. When I feel myself being tempted to "take something", I step away. I RUN away --- FAST!!!
My husband is often angry with me because when he asks me what I "want" for Christmas or my birthday, I immediately say "I don't NEED anything." He then repeats the question, with an emphasis on the WANT part. I repeat my answer again. We like to go back and forth like this for weeks. Years, even. It makes me feel good to not want/need anything. It makes him feel like shit that he can't "provide" anything for me. That part makes me sad. My intention is not to make him feel badly, at all. My sole intention is to not need him. For anything. Ever. How shitty is that? True. But, shitty, nonetheless.
You see, I don't want to hurt when he leaves me. I don't want to "miss" any part of him. Of us. I don't want to let him "get under my skin". Oh, we have two beautiful daughters together. We have a gorgeous home. We have food in the kitchen. A nice car in the garage. He's provided all of these things. But, see, for me. . .they're just "things". Not being big on "things", it makes it quite easy for me to down play their value. Important as they all are, I don't "NEED" them, at all. I could live in an apartment, eating ramen, driving a POS that was safe and be happy as a clam. I'm "over the moon" happy that my children don't have to live in an apartment, eating nothing but ramen and riding around in a car that would probably embarrass them. But see. . .that's for them. Not me. I can keep my distance from it all. That way. . .when it's all taken away from me, I don't have to long for it back. I won't miss it. Right?
More than that, I won't let those around me "give to me" more than I "give back". I want to know that I've helped someone today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. I want to know that I've made a difference. A real difference. But, I don't want to be known as "that girl who's so damn needy". That's my biggest fear. Seeming needy. I want to be able to go to bed each night KNOWING that I gave back more than I took.
It all "sounds good", right? Wrong. I've found that I've kept people at a distance in such a way, invisible and intangible as it may be, that I've stopped myself from loving them as completely as I could have otherwise. That barrier that I created works both ways. I've kept the pain out, but I've kept the love out, too. In making sure that I had no "ties that bind", has left me free floating out in space somewhere. Alone. Cold. Silent. In a self-inflicted prison with no visitors. Safe? Perhaps. Lonely? Not always. Free of pain? Of sorts. Empty? You, bet.
So, I suppose that if I had to have a "resolution" for this year, it would be, to let you in. To let you GIVE to me. To accept love without boundaries. To allow myself to feel the warmth of the fire without worrying that someone's going to come along and douse it. Fear has ruled my life for far too long. No more. I want to want.
Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!
I found out that I don't "accept" anything from people on purpose. I try my damnedest to not "receive". I like to give. . .hell, I LOVE to give. I'll give until I'm so depleted that I have nothing left and then, I'll give some MORE!!! I like that feeling. I like to feel empty. Hollow. Incomplete. It feels comfortable to me. It feels like home. More over, it feels safe. If I don't allow you to give to me then it won't hurt so badly when you leave. I don't want to get used to "getting" from you, because then. ..when it's over, I'll miss it. I'll miss you. I can't have that. No. Really. I. Can't. Have. That.
I've built this little protective wall around myself that won't let anyone get too close to me. Sure, I've got friends whom I'm honest with about my life, my feelings, my dreams, etc. That's not what I'm talking about. It's this intangible "thing" that I don't ever receive. I don't take it in. Ever. When I feel myself being tempted to "take something", I step away. I RUN away --- FAST!!!
My husband is often angry with me because when he asks me what I "want" for Christmas or my birthday, I immediately say "I don't NEED anything." He then repeats the question, with an emphasis on the WANT part. I repeat my answer again. We like to go back and forth like this for weeks. Years, even. It makes me feel good to not want/need anything. It makes him feel like shit that he can't "provide" anything for me. That part makes me sad. My intention is not to make him feel badly, at all. My sole intention is to not need him. For anything. Ever. How shitty is that? True. But, shitty, nonetheless.
You see, I don't want to hurt when he leaves me. I don't want to "miss" any part of him. Of us. I don't want to let him "get under my skin". Oh, we have two beautiful daughters together. We have a gorgeous home. We have food in the kitchen. A nice car in the garage. He's provided all of these things. But, see, for me. . .they're just "things". Not being big on "things", it makes it quite easy for me to down play their value. Important as they all are, I don't "NEED" them, at all. I could live in an apartment, eating ramen, driving a POS that was safe and be happy as a clam. I'm "over the moon" happy that my children don't have to live in an apartment, eating nothing but ramen and riding around in a car that would probably embarrass them. But see. . .that's for them. Not me. I can keep my distance from it all. That way. . .when it's all taken away from me, I don't have to long for it back. I won't miss it. Right?
More than that, I won't let those around me "give to me" more than I "give back". I want to know that I've helped someone today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. I want to know that I've made a difference. A real difference. But, I don't want to be known as "that girl who's so damn needy". That's my biggest fear. Seeming needy. I want to be able to go to bed each night KNOWING that I gave back more than I took.
It all "sounds good", right? Wrong. I've found that I've kept people at a distance in such a way, invisible and intangible as it may be, that I've stopped myself from loving them as completely as I could have otherwise. That barrier that I created works both ways. I've kept the pain out, but I've kept the love out, too. In making sure that I had no "ties that bind", has left me free floating out in space somewhere. Alone. Cold. Silent. In a self-inflicted prison with no visitors. Safe? Perhaps. Lonely? Not always. Free of pain? Of sorts. Empty? You, bet.
So, I suppose that if I had to have a "resolution" for this year, it would be, to let you in. To let you GIVE to me. To accept love without boundaries. To allow myself to feel the warmth of the fire without worrying that someone's going to come along and douse it. Fear has ruled my life for far too long. No more. I want to want.
Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!
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