Pain. It's inevitable isn't it? You hurt. You hurt other people. It all sucks. When is enough, enough? When is it time to walk away from the pain and call it quits? When have you been through enough pain that you come to realize that it's just not worth it anymore?
I don't know. I never know. I never seem to know when to leave. When to free myself from it? In some ways, I feel like I must "like it". I must be so used to it that I wouldn't know what to do without it. It seems, to me, that once I truly feel "happy" and "secure" I should KNOW that the pain is on its way.
I was happy. Truly. Deeply. Completely. Happy. What was I thinking?
It's a long way to fall. . . .from up "high" like that. But, fall I did. They say that it's not the falling that kills you but rather the "landing". Let me assure you. . .they're right. HITTING bottom sucks. Big, Time. Getting back up? Nearly impossible.
When you find out that the person standing next to you is a total stranger it comes as quite a shock. The day you hear that "he's done it, yet again", broken your heart. It's a slap in the face like no other. When you're HAPPY one second and devastated the next, it's. . . .disorienting. At best. I feel that way. Disoriented. Like I don't know which way is up. Like I'm under water. At midnight. No light to guide me back to the surface for air. No sense of where my body is in relationship to the Earth. Like I just might drown in the sorrow of it. Like the pain might overtake me at any moment and I just might INTENTIONALLY let myself sink. Just let the pain swallow me up. Burn me to ashes.
Then there's the anger. The anger gives me a lifeline of sorts, I suppose. It reminds me that I'm alive. It reminds me that I have a spirit, a soul. Feelings. It reminds me that I DID NOT DO THIS. I welcome it. Embrace it like and old friend. But, not show it. NEVER show it. The fear fights the anger and always wins. I'm afraid if I show my anger it'll drive him further away. Keep him just out of my reach. So. . .I suck it up. Swallow it down. Let it fester inside of me. Because, right now, it's all I've got to keep my head above the water. I can float on it when I'm alone. When he's asleep. When I feel safe.
The lack of control is overwhelming. I can't stop him from doing it again. I couldn't stop him from doing it before. I can't make him stay. I can't make him love me. I can't. . .I can't. . .I can't. That's all I feel. I can't. But. . .I CAN. . .control what I eat. I can starve myself of food to feel whole again. The hollow feeling it gives me somehow makes me feel complete and content and. . .in control. People don't understand that, I know. The people around me want me to eat, they think that it's "just the stress"or that I'm "in a depression" and "it'll pass". I don't want it to. I want to deprive myself. Punish myself. I WANT to feel empty, in every way possible. . .not just in my heart. Somehow, my stomach being empty balances things out. Empty heart, empty stomach. . . .perhaps, in a good moment, empty head. It feels light and liberating. It feels GOOD. In a world of NOTHING feeling good, I'll take it. I'll take IT over the sorrow of it all.
Healing. What an all encompassing word? Where does healing come from? Is it simply of function of time passing and our brains becoming distracted by EVERYTHING ELSE? Does it come from some sense of relief or closure? Does it come when you've completely removed yourself from the pain? Like removing some splinter that's widdled itself into your skin so deeply that you can't even see it anymore, just feel it. But, does the "digging it out" cause more damage than just leaving it alone? Healing. Where do you even begin that process? It's a lonely journey, I believe. One that each of us must do alone. There's no time frame or limit on it. It can be quick and relatively painless or go on for decades and break your spirit in the process.
Trust is earned, period. Once it's broken, there might not be enough pieces of it left to repair. Then what? Where do you go when you're so afraid to trust someone again? Is it EVER even possible to rebuild on such a broken foundation? Is it possible to just "start over" on a "new" foundation? Where do you find a "clear spot" of land to start construction on? What if. . . .there's no room left inside of me to clear a plot? Then, in the end. is the demise of my relationship my fault? Am I to blame for not being able to open it all back up again? To become vulnerable to him?
Sometimes, I feel like the sorrow of it all will win. Sometimes, I just want to walk away and start my life over again. As if that's really even possible. Sometimes, I just want to be EVERYTHING for him so he'll ONLY want me. I'll be enough for him. I'll make him happy. Sometimes, I KNOW that I'll never be enough. Never HAVE BEEN enough, for him. That's when the sorrow of it all, takes a deep breath and takes an even bigger part of my heart away.
Take a deep breath . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!
I don't know. I never know. I never seem to know when to leave. When to free myself from it? In some ways, I feel like I must "like it". I must be so used to it that I wouldn't know what to do without it. It seems, to me, that once I truly feel "happy" and "secure" I should KNOW that the pain is on its way.
I was happy. Truly. Deeply. Completely. Happy. What was I thinking?
It's a long way to fall. . . .from up "high" like that. But, fall I did. They say that it's not the falling that kills you but rather the "landing". Let me assure you. . .they're right. HITTING bottom sucks. Big, Time. Getting back up? Nearly impossible.
When you find out that the person standing next to you is a total stranger it comes as quite a shock. The day you hear that "he's done it, yet again", broken your heart. It's a slap in the face like no other. When you're HAPPY one second and devastated the next, it's. . . .disorienting. At best. I feel that way. Disoriented. Like I don't know which way is up. Like I'm under water. At midnight. No light to guide me back to the surface for air. No sense of where my body is in relationship to the Earth. Like I just might drown in the sorrow of it. Like the pain might overtake me at any moment and I just might INTENTIONALLY let myself sink. Just let the pain swallow me up. Burn me to ashes.
Then there's the anger. The anger gives me a lifeline of sorts, I suppose. It reminds me that I'm alive. It reminds me that I have a spirit, a soul. Feelings. It reminds me that I DID NOT DO THIS. I welcome it. Embrace it like and old friend. But, not show it. NEVER show it. The fear fights the anger and always wins. I'm afraid if I show my anger it'll drive him further away. Keep him just out of my reach. So. . .I suck it up. Swallow it down. Let it fester inside of me. Because, right now, it's all I've got to keep my head above the water. I can float on it when I'm alone. When he's asleep. When I feel safe.
The lack of control is overwhelming. I can't stop him from doing it again. I couldn't stop him from doing it before. I can't make him stay. I can't make him love me. I can't. . .I can't. . .I can't. That's all I feel. I can't. But. . .I CAN. . .control what I eat. I can starve myself of food to feel whole again. The hollow feeling it gives me somehow makes me feel complete and content and. . .in control. People don't understand that, I know. The people around me want me to eat, they think that it's "just the stress"or that I'm "in a depression" and "it'll pass". I don't want it to. I want to deprive myself. Punish myself. I WANT to feel empty, in every way possible. . .not just in my heart. Somehow, my stomach being empty balances things out. Empty heart, empty stomach. . . .perhaps, in a good moment, empty head. It feels light and liberating. It feels GOOD. In a world of NOTHING feeling good, I'll take it. I'll take IT over the sorrow of it all.
Healing. What an all encompassing word? Where does healing come from? Is it simply of function of time passing and our brains becoming distracted by EVERYTHING ELSE? Does it come from some sense of relief or closure? Does it come when you've completely removed yourself from the pain? Like removing some splinter that's widdled itself into your skin so deeply that you can't even see it anymore, just feel it. But, does the "digging it out" cause more damage than just leaving it alone? Healing. Where do you even begin that process? It's a lonely journey, I believe. One that each of us must do alone. There's no time frame or limit on it. It can be quick and relatively painless or go on for decades and break your spirit in the process.
Trust is earned, period. Once it's broken, there might not be enough pieces of it left to repair. Then what? Where do you go when you're so afraid to trust someone again? Is it EVER even possible to rebuild on such a broken foundation? Is it possible to just "start over" on a "new" foundation? Where do you find a "clear spot" of land to start construction on? What if. . . .there's no room left inside of me to clear a plot? Then, in the end. is the demise of my relationship my fault? Am I to blame for not being able to open it all back up again? To become vulnerable to him?
Sometimes, I feel like the sorrow of it all will win. Sometimes, I just want to walk away and start my life over again. As if that's really even possible. Sometimes, I just want to be EVERYTHING for him so he'll ONLY want me. I'll be enough for him. I'll make him happy. Sometimes, I KNOW that I'll never be enough. Never HAVE BEEN enough, for him. That's when the sorrow of it all, takes a deep breath and takes an even bigger part of my heart away.
Take a deep breath . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!
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