Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that you seriously DON'T recognize that face in the mirror? Like, who the hell IS that, anyway? Well, I have. I did. I do. Whatever. See, I'm a tad bit confused today. Yesterday. The day before that, too. Who. Am. I. Now?
I've been a stay at home mom for the better part of a decade. Oh, I've gone back to work when finances warranted it, but, nothing too long term or full time. You see, my family came first. Does come first. Will ALWAYS come first. I believe, truth be told, this is my problem. Putting my family first. Putting anyone and everyone else first. Don't get me wrong, I realize that for my children, I really had no choice but to become their EVERYTHING. They don't have any grandparents of worth nearby. My sisters spend as much time with them as possible, but of course, they have their own busy lives to lead. We're not really close to my husbands family, for various and a-sundry reasons. My husband works. A LOT. He's also gone a lot. A week here. A week and half there. It adds up. So, there was me. Little old me. To be their everything. Their entire world. I'm not complaining. It's been a honor. But. . . . .what does one do when those "little babies" grow up and they don't need their Mommy as much. Or, gasp, at all? Who am I then?
To complicate matters, I'm a peace keeper. Now, that may sound wonderful. Like it's a great quality to have; for the most part, I'd agree. However, there should be rational limits to such behaviors. This is where I don't know when "enough is enough". I will keep the peace at all costs. Mainly, to my own detriment. Today, yesterday, last week, when ever it was, I realized that I've also created a monster problem in my marriage with this trait of mine. I've gone about my life with the notion of "shut up and suffer" or "suffer in silence" (take your pick) to the extreme. This, of course, includes my marriage. I've gone through the last 15 years and kept my mouth shut as much as humanly possible. I barely balked at things other woman would have (maybe I should say "should have", here) gone ballistic over. I've skimmed over hurts and completely ignored pains that have now festered into dangerously poisonous wounds. Now, please don't hear me wrong; I'm NOT bashing my husband. He's a wonderful man, whom I'm sure, has kept his mouth shut about a million things that I've done wrong as well. You see, THIS is, in fact, my point. I have set my marriage up this way; set it up, where no one complains about anything. (Okay, except for our kids who gripe about tons of imagined wrongs.)
My husband isn't much of a talker. Okay, to be fair, he's a man who likes his silence. He could go for days and not say two words to anyone. Much less, to me. It's not a slight. It's just his way. So, for those of you who believe in a higher power, may I suggest that He/She has a tragic sense of humor? I mean, who would put the two of US together? An avid talker and a consummate mute. Ironic. So, I've found myself becoming less and less talkative and more and more introverted as a response to him. You know, the whole if you can't beat 'em, join 'em idea? So, combine my "don't rock the boat" mentality with his "silent treatment" and it all works out perfectly, right? Um, yeah. . . . .NOT! So, we sit, in silence most nights. Staring at the boob tube; him also on his lap top. In the same room, yet miles apart. I've kept any pain or joy from the day to myself. Every night. For years. It's gotten to the point that I'm not even sure that I'd remember HOW to talk to him, truth be told.
All I seem to know how to do is clean. Do laundry. Cook. Help with homework. Drive kids around. Run to the grocery store and the bank. Sit home. Alone. Every day. Now, I know that at this point, y'all are thinking. . . "So. Go out. Do something with your friends." Hm. . . .now, if y'all have read my previous blogs, you know that it's not quite that simple. I live in a strangely "tight" little community. It sometimes reminds me of Stepford. Truly. I love quite a few women in this area, but, I do seem to find it hard to reach out to them. Once bitten. Twice shy. I suppose. Even with that, though, I do reach out. Sometimes. Every now and again, it works out. I do coffee at Starbucks once every six months or so. (Shocking, right?) I have a lunch date about as often. Maybe I tag along to the grocery store or CostCo, just for the company. No more. No less. I chat on the phone almost every day to ONE close friend. I trust her. It terrifies me. What would I do if she choses to end the friendship? It's painful to think about.
I've had health issues. She's had health issues. She gets me. I get her. I love her. I, hope, that she loves me. Here's where my rock bottom self esteem kicks me in the ass. I can't count on her loving me. It makes me too vulnerable. It's easier to believe that she simply tolerates me. More comfortable that way.
Add in the economy where PhD's are working at McDonald's and it isn't like I can run out and get a job with my high school diploma. So, I have no "work identity" at all.
So, I find myself at a cross roads. A day where it's almost easier to tell you what/who I'm NOT rather than what or who I am. I'm not a believer in the Christian faith. I'm not an outgoing person, anymore. I'm not educated enough to dip my toe back into the work arena. I'm not confident enough to make new friends. I'm not sure where to go now. I'm no longer needed every minute of every day by my children. I'm not a good wife. I'm no longer weighed down by my past abuse. I'm not allowing toxic people to remain a part of my life. I'm not comfortable telling my husband what hurts or upsets me. I'm not feeling broken or lost, even under the circumstances. I'm not obsessing over what's WRONG in my life. I'm not going to allow myself to stay in this place for long. But ----- how on Earth to I begin to find out what makes me tick? What makes ME happy? How do I begin to cut the cord and allow myself the freedom to live MY OWN LIFE again? Who will I be on the other side? What if. . . . .no one who loves me now, loves me then? What if I'm not who I appear. . . . .mainly, to myself? Is it alright to be selfish, self involved and self loving? It feels wrong. Foreign. But, what if. . . . .what if. . . .things are better on the other side? What if, I find that I have MORE friends when I quit being so damn "peace keeping" and "selfless"? Interesting. What if, my marriage improves when I starting asking for what I need and setting limits? What if, I show my daughters that there's more to life than just cleaning, laundry, cooking and taking care of a man and your children? What would THAT feel like?
I'll let you know. . . . . .
Take a deep breath.................it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
I've been a stay at home mom for the better part of a decade. Oh, I've gone back to work when finances warranted it, but, nothing too long term or full time. You see, my family came first. Does come first. Will ALWAYS come first. I believe, truth be told, this is my problem. Putting my family first. Putting anyone and everyone else first. Don't get me wrong, I realize that for my children, I really had no choice but to become their EVERYTHING. They don't have any grandparents of worth nearby. My sisters spend as much time with them as possible, but of course, they have their own busy lives to lead. We're not really close to my husbands family, for various and a-sundry reasons. My husband works. A LOT. He's also gone a lot. A week here. A week and half there. It adds up. So, there was me. Little old me. To be their everything. Their entire world. I'm not complaining. It's been a honor. But. . . . .what does one do when those "little babies" grow up and they don't need their Mommy as much. Or, gasp, at all? Who am I then?
To complicate matters, I'm a peace keeper. Now, that may sound wonderful. Like it's a great quality to have; for the most part, I'd agree. However, there should be rational limits to such behaviors. This is where I don't know when "enough is enough". I will keep the peace at all costs. Mainly, to my own detriment. Today, yesterday, last week, when ever it was, I realized that I've also created a monster problem in my marriage with this trait of mine. I've gone about my life with the notion of "shut up and suffer" or "suffer in silence" (take your pick) to the extreme. This, of course, includes my marriage. I've gone through the last 15 years and kept my mouth shut as much as humanly possible. I barely balked at things other woman would have (maybe I should say "should have", here) gone ballistic over. I've skimmed over hurts and completely ignored pains that have now festered into dangerously poisonous wounds. Now, please don't hear me wrong; I'm NOT bashing my husband. He's a wonderful man, whom I'm sure, has kept his mouth shut about a million things that I've done wrong as well. You see, THIS is, in fact, my point. I have set my marriage up this way; set it up, where no one complains about anything. (Okay, except for our kids who gripe about tons of imagined wrongs.)
My husband isn't much of a talker. Okay, to be fair, he's a man who likes his silence. He could go for days and not say two words to anyone. Much less, to me. It's not a slight. It's just his way. So, for those of you who believe in a higher power, may I suggest that He/She has a tragic sense of humor? I mean, who would put the two of US together? An avid talker and a consummate mute. Ironic. So, I've found myself becoming less and less talkative and more and more introverted as a response to him. You know, the whole if you can't beat 'em, join 'em idea? So, combine my "don't rock the boat" mentality with his "silent treatment" and it all works out perfectly, right? Um, yeah. . . . .NOT! So, we sit, in silence most nights. Staring at the boob tube; him also on his lap top. In the same room, yet miles apart. I've kept any pain or joy from the day to myself. Every night. For years. It's gotten to the point that I'm not even sure that I'd remember HOW to talk to him, truth be told.
All I seem to know how to do is clean. Do laundry. Cook. Help with homework. Drive kids around. Run to the grocery store and the bank. Sit home. Alone. Every day. Now, I know that at this point, y'all are thinking. . . "So. Go out. Do something with your friends." Hm. . . .now, if y'all have read my previous blogs, you know that it's not quite that simple. I live in a strangely "tight" little community. It sometimes reminds me of Stepford. Truly. I love quite a few women in this area, but, I do seem to find it hard to reach out to them. Once bitten. Twice shy. I suppose. Even with that, though, I do reach out. Sometimes. Every now and again, it works out. I do coffee at Starbucks once every six months or so. (Shocking, right?) I have a lunch date about as often. Maybe I tag along to the grocery store or CostCo, just for the company. No more. No less. I chat on the phone almost every day to ONE close friend. I trust her. It terrifies me. What would I do if she choses to end the friendship? It's painful to think about.
I've had health issues. She's had health issues. She gets me. I get her. I love her. I, hope, that she loves me. Here's where my rock bottom self esteem kicks me in the ass. I can't count on her loving me. It makes me too vulnerable. It's easier to believe that she simply tolerates me. More comfortable that way.
Add in the economy where PhD's are working at McDonald's and it isn't like I can run out and get a job with my high school diploma. So, I have no "work identity" at all.
So, I find myself at a cross roads. A day where it's almost easier to tell you what/who I'm NOT rather than what or who I am. I'm not a believer in the Christian faith. I'm not an outgoing person, anymore. I'm not educated enough to dip my toe back into the work arena. I'm not confident enough to make new friends. I'm not sure where to go now. I'm no longer needed every minute of every day by my children. I'm not a good wife. I'm no longer weighed down by my past abuse. I'm not allowing toxic people to remain a part of my life. I'm not comfortable telling my husband what hurts or upsets me. I'm not feeling broken or lost, even under the circumstances. I'm not obsessing over what's WRONG in my life. I'm not going to allow myself to stay in this place for long. But ----- how on Earth to I begin to find out what makes me tick? What makes ME happy? How do I begin to cut the cord and allow myself the freedom to live MY OWN LIFE again? Who will I be on the other side? What if. . . . .no one who loves me now, loves me then? What if I'm not who I appear. . . . .mainly, to myself? Is it alright to be selfish, self involved and self loving? It feels wrong. Foreign. But, what if. . . . .what if. . . .things are better on the other side? What if, I find that I have MORE friends when I quit being so damn "peace keeping" and "selfless"? Interesting. What if, my marriage improves when I starting asking for what I need and setting limits? What if, I show my daughters that there's more to life than just cleaning, laundry, cooking and taking care of a man and your children? What would THAT feel like?
I'll let you know. . . . . .
Take a deep breath.................it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
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