So, here I sit. Looking at this blank screen and it feels like I'm looking in a mirror. I feel blank. Full of potential; as of yet, unfulfilled. I turned 39 three days ago. Yep. Thirty NINE. Just 362 more days and I'll be the big 4-0. I've always chosen to see the "big birthdays" a bit differently than your average person; I've chosen to see them as opportunity. I choose to see them as my chance to make a really "big change".
It usually starts stirring in my about the seventh year in any given decade. The restlessness. The retrospective look at "who" I am. The wonder about who am I now; who I'll be tomorrow, or even more so now, next year! Who will I be when I'm forty? So, at about thirty seven, I started making my move. I took a good hard look around and saw some things that just "didn't work for me". I saw some "friends" who really weren't, some "family" that was only by genetics, and some behaviors, in myself, that were plainly embarrassing. Hm? What to do? What to do?
It sounded so simple. . . . .change. One simple little word. Yeah, like hell it is!! It's a HUGE word. Maybe the biggest one any of us will ever know. So, I took a deep breath and jumped. I cut out my "cancers". It felt like it, too. I felt as though I had undergone some sort of deeply damaging chemotherapy. I was wondering if the treatment was going to kill me quicker than the cancer would of? There were days when it felt like I had made a huge mistake. What was I thinking? After all, it's just me, who cares if I suffer, right? Surely, living WITH these folks was better than living WITHOUT them? Wrong. After the shock of it faded, I felt the most surprising thing. . . .relief! I mean, serious relief. Like, I can take a deep breath, a real one, for the first time in years; hell decades! Step one - complete! Oh yeah. . . do the happy dance. Wait. The worst is yet to come.
Now, I'm here, with the person who's the hardest on me. Me. What do I do. . . now? Again, I'm drawn to the word change; yet I find that that's not quite right. Perhaps, enhance, would be a better word choice. I'm choosing to ENHANCE who I am at my core. I'm choosing to be true to myself. Really, deeply, profoundly true. One might think that this sounds easy or even say "DUH?", but, I challenge you to really think about it yourself. Are you really genuine, all the time? Doubtful. Most of us put on some sort of facade or mask or at least pretend to be something we're not, usually for someone else's benefit or out of fear. Fear of rejection or of being ostracized. Ridiculed. Sad, isn't it? So. I sit here and dig deep into who am I and who I'm willing to spend my precious time with. I search my basis of faith. I search my basis for the way I treat people and the way I react to them. I search my soul to find out where the "real me" lies. I won't lie, some things WERE shocking to me!
I've found that I'm NOT many of the things that people have wanted me to be. I've found that I'm unique in my thinking. I found that my faith isn't what my world has told me it SHOULD be. I've found that I'm allowed to have limits. I've found that I'm good enough, just the way that I am. I'm happy with that. I've found that I can get by on less. Less noise. Less drama. Less anger. Less frenemies. Less hate. Less blame. Less finger pointing. Less food. Less love. Less neediness. Less attachment. Less fear. I've found that I've created a lot of my own suffering by having so MUCH of these things. I truly believe, at my core, that you have this same problem, too. I believe that most of us do this. We self sabotage. We under-mind ourselves. We don't TRUST ourselves. We're afraid.
Letting go of that fear and embracing the "who" you are, right now, isn't easy. Realizing that I don't yet know what I want to be when "I grow up", is a scary proposition. Accepting that I'm overweight and have crows feet, pains me. Knowing that I tend to ramble on and say stupid shit when I'm nervous, embarrasses me. The fact that I "over share", is something I'm trying to over come. The face that greets me in the mirror, I sometimes don't recognize. The man who I married seems like a stranger to me, as I'm sure, I seem to him. I let that relationship suffer and even whither, due to neglect. I haven't spoken up enough and asked for what I've wanted. I'm beginning to do that now. So, yeah. . . .I'm having a midlife crisis. Yes, it's cliche'. The only way out is through, people. I'm embracing it fully. I'm running into it, headlong. I'm excited to see who'll be there with me and what we'll all look like. . . .on the other side of it. I can say that I'm older and wiser now. I'm hoping to be even wiser when I'm done on this portion of my path.
I don't mind looking back and seeing all the bumps in the road. Hell, there are even mortar shells. Land mines that I somehow was able to circumvent. Barbed wire that blocked my way at times; that is now been cut through and lays in coiled spindles at my feet. Yes, I'm older. Yes, I'll be older still. No, I don't know everything. Nor do I claim to or even want to. What I do know, I know with all of my being. Believe it to my core. I'm living my life, out loud and I'm unashamed of the events that have brought me here. I'm well traveled, indeed!
Take a deep breath..................it's just another day in Perfect!
It usually starts stirring in my about the seventh year in any given decade. The restlessness. The retrospective look at "who" I am. The wonder about who am I now; who I'll be tomorrow, or even more so now, next year! Who will I be when I'm forty? So, at about thirty seven, I started making my move. I took a good hard look around and saw some things that just "didn't work for me". I saw some "friends" who really weren't, some "family" that was only by genetics, and some behaviors, in myself, that were plainly embarrassing. Hm? What to do? What to do?
It sounded so simple. . . . .change. One simple little word. Yeah, like hell it is!! It's a HUGE word. Maybe the biggest one any of us will ever know. So, I took a deep breath and jumped. I cut out my "cancers". It felt like it, too. I felt as though I had undergone some sort of deeply damaging chemotherapy. I was wondering if the treatment was going to kill me quicker than the cancer would of? There were days when it felt like I had made a huge mistake. What was I thinking? After all, it's just me, who cares if I suffer, right? Surely, living WITH these folks was better than living WITHOUT them? Wrong. After the shock of it faded, I felt the most surprising thing. . . .relief! I mean, serious relief. Like, I can take a deep breath, a real one, for the first time in years; hell decades! Step one - complete! Oh yeah. . . do the happy dance. Wait. The worst is yet to come.
Now, I'm here, with the person who's the hardest on me. Me. What do I do. . . now? Again, I'm drawn to the word change; yet I find that that's not quite right. Perhaps, enhance, would be a better word choice. I'm choosing to ENHANCE who I am at my core. I'm choosing to be true to myself. Really, deeply, profoundly true. One might think that this sounds easy or even say "DUH?", but, I challenge you to really think about it yourself. Are you really genuine, all the time? Doubtful. Most of us put on some sort of facade or mask or at least pretend to be something we're not, usually for someone else's benefit or out of fear. Fear of rejection or of being ostracized. Ridiculed. Sad, isn't it? So. I sit here and dig deep into who am I and who I'm willing to spend my precious time with. I search my basis of faith. I search my basis for the way I treat people and the way I react to them. I search my soul to find out where the "real me" lies. I won't lie, some things WERE shocking to me!
I've found that I'm NOT many of the things that people have wanted me to be. I've found that I'm unique in my thinking. I found that my faith isn't what my world has told me it SHOULD be. I've found that I'm allowed to have limits. I've found that I'm good enough, just the way that I am. I'm happy with that. I've found that I can get by on less. Less noise. Less drama. Less anger. Less frenemies. Less hate. Less blame. Less finger pointing. Less food. Less love. Less neediness. Less attachment. Less fear. I've found that I've created a lot of my own suffering by having so MUCH of these things. I truly believe, at my core, that you have this same problem, too. I believe that most of us do this. We self sabotage. We under-mind ourselves. We don't TRUST ourselves. We're afraid.
Letting go of that fear and embracing the "who" you are, right now, isn't easy. Realizing that I don't yet know what I want to be when "I grow up", is a scary proposition. Accepting that I'm overweight and have crows feet, pains me. Knowing that I tend to ramble on and say stupid shit when I'm nervous, embarrasses me. The fact that I "over share", is something I'm trying to over come. The face that greets me in the mirror, I sometimes don't recognize. The man who I married seems like a stranger to me, as I'm sure, I seem to him. I let that relationship suffer and even whither, due to neglect. I haven't spoken up enough and asked for what I've wanted. I'm beginning to do that now. So, yeah. . . .I'm having a midlife crisis. Yes, it's cliche'. The only way out is through, people. I'm embracing it fully. I'm running into it, headlong. I'm excited to see who'll be there with me and what we'll all look like. . . .on the other side of it. I can say that I'm older and wiser now. I'm hoping to be even wiser when I'm done on this portion of my path.
I don't mind looking back and seeing all the bumps in the road. Hell, there are even mortar shells. Land mines that I somehow was able to circumvent. Barbed wire that blocked my way at times; that is now been cut through and lays in coiled spindles at my feet. Yes, I'm older. Yes, I'll be older still. No, I don't know everything. Nor do I claim to or even want to. What I do know, I know with all of my being. Believe it to my core. I'm living my life, out loud and I'm unashamed of the events that have brought me here. I'm well traveled, indeed!
Take a deep breath..................it's just another day in Perfect!
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