I Just Knew

 I had been alone for years,

I had done all "the work" on myself,

I just knew,

It was time to try again. 

I opened up that "dating app", 

Did all the clicking and swiping, 

I just knew, 

This wasn't going to work. 

Then, one day I opened it again, 

Someone new had "liked" me, 

I just knew, 

I needed to open my heart and mind to the possibility.  

I took that chance, 

I liked you back, 

I just knew, 

This could actually be fun. 

The messages started going back and forth, 

First you, then me, 

I just knew, 

This man seems different. 

We decided to meet, 

Just lunch, in public, you know, something safe, 

I just knew, 

I was actually excited for the first time in a long time. 

I saw you walk up, 

Because I'm ALWAYS the first one there,

I just knew,

I was attracted to you.

One date, turned into two, 

All in the same day, 

I just knew, 

We had a connection. 

You kissed me, 

It was a good kiss, 

I just knew, 

I was in trouble. 

The night was a blur, 

Kissing, touching, intimacy, 

I just knew, 

I felt alive for the first time in a long time. 

There were so many firsts for me, with you, 

Things that, at MY AGE, seem improbable, yet were true, 

I just knew, 

This was special. 

We'd see each other, we'd text each other, we'd touch each other, 

Everything was moving along, the way "these things do",

I just knew, 

I was having fun. 

You said so many amazing things, 

You seemed to know how to touch me, how to treat me, 

I just knew, 

I trusted you.

Somehow, you made me feel safe, seen, beautiful,

For the first time in my life,

I just knew,

I could fall in love with you. 

Then it happened, as it ALWAYS seems to happen, 

You started pulling away, pushing me away, being more closed off,

I just knew, 

Things weren't going as I had hoped. 

I started overthinking, over worrying, 

But, I know that stresses you out, so I also became quiet, as not to "make it worse",

I just knew, 

Maybe if I'm patient, things will work themselves out. 

The distance became greater, 

The times between replies and visits became vast. . . .chasms really,

I just knew, 

This was the beginning of the end. 

You were talking to other people, I wasn't, 

You had every right to do this, because you had made it clear, "you didn't want anything serious",

I just knew, 

I was watching you find my replacement. 

You told her you weren't seeing anyone,

Even though I existed in your life, 

I just knew, 

I didn't matter at all. 

I figured, you were done with me, 

I said as much to you, 

I just knew, 

You didn't want me anymore. 

You somehow made it seem as though I was the one that didn't want you, 

As if YOU weren't enough for me, even though I never felt that way, 

I just knew, 

There was nothing I could do to save us. 

We're done,

Two simple words really that, individually, don't mean much, but together, 

I just knew,

My heart shattered.

Now, you are just a few words here and there on a screen, 

Someone I care about but can no longer touch, 

I just knew, 

This one is going to take a LONG time to recover from. 

So, here I am, full circle, again, putting in "all the work" to heal my aching heart, putting those pieces back together,

Reflecting on what happened, because. . . .

I just knew,

Even knowing what I know now, I'd still do it all over again, just to be with you. 

Take a deep breath, 

It's just another day in "Perfect".