I Didn't Know (A Follow Up to "I Just Knew)

 I didn't know you,

The person standing before me,

Hiding in plain sight. 

I didn't know what you were doing, 

Every time you left me, I thought you just went home,

It never occured to me you were going to someone else's bed. 

I didn't know that everything was a lie,

That you were using the same words with other women,

All to trap us in a web of deceit. 

I didn't know you were pretending to have never even "met anyone",

It was worse than us just being "casual" or in a "situationship"

You denied that I even existed. .  .you denied WE ALL existed, all to gain MORE women.

I didn't know that the "friends" you were visiting every weekend you had to "escape" were all women,

You were so strategic in your words, your pictures, your explanations, 

You covered your trail so perfectly. 

I didn't know that your anxiety wasn't REALLY about having feelings for me,

It was ALL about being nervous about getting caught,

Or maybe it's the little bit of humanity left inside you that KNOWS what you're doing is so, so wrong.

I didn't know that your "anger" towards me was really anger at yourself, 

You'd get so angry at me, for contacting you when you were with her,

How was I to know I was "stressing you out" BECAUSE I was jeopardizing "your game"?

I didn't know that I was apologizing for YOUR mistakes,

I believed that I really was the cause of all of your stress and felt so badly about it,

I would tell you how sorry I was, try harder, be better, all while YOU were the one being shady.

I didn't know that I could fall so hard for someone that didn't actually exist,

You've created such a beautiful character, he's charming, vulnerable and likeable, 

Does this mean that my love isn't real, if YOU'RE fake? 

I didn't know I could cry so hard, 

So hard that I almost threw up, so hard that I couldn't breathe, 

These tears are in direct proportion to the love I had and the trust you broke. 

I didn't know that I could feel so hollow,

You've taken something away from me that was fundamental to who I was,

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust anyone else and love them the way I loved you. 

I didn't know what I didn't know,

You took advantage of that fact,

And allowed me to love you anyway. 

I didn't know I could feel so broken and alone,

All while still wishing you could hold me, to comfort me,

And simultaneously wanting to punch you in the face. 

Funny that what I DIDN'T know turned out to be the most important thing about you. . . .