I Forgive Myself. . . . .

I forgive myself or not being a size two, for many of these pounds came from cookies that were baked with love with my sweet daughters, making memories they'll carry with them for a lifetime.  Others, were a result of my needing comfort and seeking out something I felt I was lacking, in a bag of chips.  I now realize that my worth doesn't go up as my size goes down. 

I forgive myself for "wearing my heart on my sleeve" and for "being too sensitive", for I've learned that the people who say this are generally too insecure to be "open to pain" and close themselves off behind an armor of sarcasm, ridicule, lies and, worst of all, cruelty.  I now realize that my being open about my feelings of being hurt, has put too bright of a spot light on the fact that they weren't feeling anything at all.

I forgive myself for not gaining the love of my mother, for now that I'm a mother myself, I know that that kind of sacrifice, vulnerability, patience and compromise don't come easy and not everyone is well equipped to offer those things with an open heart.  I know that I couldn't have done anything differently and that children are never meant to mend what's broken in an adult.

I forgive myself for trusting you when everything inside of me screamed to run away, for now I've learned what it means to love someone in spite of themselves and to truly love someone unconditionally.  I know that I can see the "bigger picture" and know that not every lesson I take part in is, in fact meant for me.  Although it's been painful, I'm honored that I could be a witness to part of your journey.

I forgive myself for being a perfectionist, for I know that it stems from a of fear.  I'm afraid of not being good enough for you; not "earning" your love.  I'm afraid if I'm flawed you'll leave me to find someone who's not. . . . but, I'm learning that THAT person doesn't really exist and that I'm honestly afraid of a ghost, an invisible entity that I've created in my mind to scare me into a cycle of attempts followed by inevitable failure.  I realize that "perfect" is an illusion.

I forgive myself for failing, for it means that I tried something, I stuck my neck out, I made the attempt and I learned more from those "short comings" than I ever did from my successes.  I've learned that I can survive almost anything.  I learned that I'm a warrior.  I learned that I'm creative, curious, bright, caring, tenacious, brave, competent, persistent, ignorant, wise, scholarly and human!

Most of all, I forgive myself for not forgiving myself sooner, for I know that to do so would have been too painful for me, at the time.  I wore my judgment of myself like a sheet of armor.  I felt safe inside of it and it was the only place I could honestly call "home".  This new world I'm discovering on the other side of self forgiveness is foreign, uncharted and vast.  I'm not sure where to go from here. . . .when self loathing, self deprecation and deprivation have been my constant companions, I feel, almost, lonely without them, and definitely more vulnerable and even naked.  I know that I'll make "new companions" and I can't wait to greet them with my open heart and mind; to see where they take me. . .what paths we'll travel together.  I'm sure that new things will spring up that I'll have to learn to forgive myself for.  I can only hope that I can so more quickly this time and know that I'm beautifully broken and flawed----human. .  .just like millions of other humans I share this planet with.  I can't help but think what a different world we would live in, if everyone could just learn to forgive THEMSELVES!

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!   

Letter To My "Baby Girl" on Her Thirteenth Birthday

Wow.  Here I sit at yet another crossroads in my life.  Here I sit watching you grow, evolve, change, blossom. . . .mature.  I must admit, I'm proud.  I'm joyful.  I'm sad. . . . .and I'm scared.  I'm afraid of what the future holds for you.  I'm fearful that you're going to lose that sweet, innocence that makes you so completely YOU!  I'm anxious about what the world would turn you into and what it will take away from you.  But, I'm excited, too.  Deeply, profoundly excited.

I'm excited to see you become the best you you can.  I'm so very grateful for the honor I've been given, in being allowed to mother you, nurture you, learn from you, hold your sweet, tiny hand and touch your golden, pure heart.  I want you to guard that heart.  Protect it from harm.  You, my darling, are a giver.  A natural healer.  A sweet, sweet, tender spirit in a world filled with hatred, rage and darkness.  You, my sweet daughter are all that is good and kind and LIGHT in the world.  You are.  I know that as life carries you forward you will use this "gift of light" in some wonderful way.  I know that you're going to "love on" something fiercely; whether that be animals or humans remains to be seen, but I KNOW, in my soul, that you're not complete unless you're sharing your light!  With that, though, please don't give your "light" away.  Don't just entrust it to "any-old-person".  Especially, when "love" is involved.  Make that person, EARN your love.  Make sure that their love is as pure, deep and honest as yours is.  I wish that there was some way that I could accompany you through every day of your life to "protect you" from harm.  Hurt.  Sorrow.  A way for me to stand vigil over your tender, fragile heart.  Alas, I cannot and you wouldn't be able to live a full life, if I did so. Knowing that I'll have to "turn you loose" into this cold hard world sooner than I'd like, breaks my heart.

But, you've got a strength in you, I've never had.  

You possess a fire that burns deep within your soul.  An inner core that keeps you level, grounded and whole.  I wish nothing more than for THIS gift to continue on in your daily life.  Stand up for what you know is right.  Never back down from a fight, when it's the RIGHT FIGHT!  Never stop standing up for those without a voice or for someone being bullied.  I'm often humbled by your internal fortitude and your ability to see the beauty and value in all things and your willingness to stand up for what you believe in.   Your strength is overwhelming to me at times!  I find that I'm learning FROM you, more than I could ever TEACH you.   Yours is a very old soul and I cherish the time I've gotten to be in your presence.  Stand tall and be proud of yourself!  But, know that I'm proud of you, too.

Your wisdom is self evident in every aspect of your life.  Your quiet thoughtfulness reminds me that, at times, silence IS GOLDEN!  Your shy way is both disarming and charming.  Knowing when to "shut up" and "walk away" is a gift that most adults don't have, let alone a thirteen year old!  I know that you'll do well as you grow and mature into the "who" you're going to be.  Don't let the world tell you that being 'quiet and shy' is a bad thing.  Don't ever stop being that sweet, quiet girl who you are today.
But, let's not "leave the nest" too soon.  I still have a few things I'd like to teach you.  Show you.  Instill into you.  I want you to know how much you're loved.  I would like you to know that this home will be YOUR home, for the rest of your life.  I want you to feel so profoundly safe here, that you never question whether or not to share a secret with me, or open your "closet" and let those skeletons fly.  I want you to realize. . . .THIS IS YOUR SOFT PLACE TO FALL!  I will never expect perfection out of you.  I will never punish you for "failing" when you've tried something new and it just "wasn't quite your thing".  I want you to know that, although, I might WANT to be with you every moment, I cannot.  I want you to know that you're going to be okay without me.  You're going to be MORE OKAY WITHOUT ME than I'll ever be without you!  You are, in fact, a large part of my heart --  outside of my body. . . .outside walking around, looking beautiful and inquisitive and fresh and exuberant; but a part of my heart, no less.  I need you to know that I'm doing my best.  Being your Mommy hasn't always been easy.  Life does not, in fact, come with an instruction booklet and I've made thousands of mistakes with you.  There have been times that I've been too hard on you.  Times when I was "too busy" to listen to you properly.  Please forgive me for failing you.  Please forgive my short comings.  My moments of exhaustion and frustration that have taken a toll on you.  Please forgive me for not hearing your sweet, timid voice amidst all the turmoil of the world and for not always being there for you when you needed me.  Please know that I've loved you since before I was even pregnant with you and that I dreamed of you before you born.  You were wanted and loved and cherished as a huge part of my life, before you WERE a huge part of my life.

So, we've embarked on the "last leg" of our journey towards adulthood.  We've started off for the "beginning of the end", as they say. . . . . but I hope that even as you walk your path towards being an adult, you realize that no matter what. . . . . .I'll always be your Mommy and I'll cherish the moments we've spent together -----  learning how to be a better Mommy and a better person.  A better human being.  If nothing else 'sticks with you', I want you to know this. . . . . .YOU. ARE. LOVED!!!!

As "my baby", I'm clinging to you more than is probably necessary (okay. . .probably more than is healthy!!) but know that it's out of a genuine spot inside my spirit that doesn't want to 'stop being your Mommy'.  I don't want to stop being the one that you look to for advice, for comfort, for support.  I don't want to let go of your sweet, tiny hand.  So, it's with much trepidation, fear, pride, honor, anxiety, humbleness, tenderness, strength and love that I will, some day, release you into this world.  To watch you become truly, completely, deeply, strongly. . . . .YOU!


Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!  

What My Weight Loss Has REALLY Taught Me. . . . .People SUCK!!!

I know, I know, it's been a really long time since I've posted anything.  Shame on me.  Really.  Truly.  I feel ashamed.  It isn't that I haven't had shit happen to me that was worth writing about; quite the contrary.  My entire life has changed.  Why, you may ask, has my entire life changed?  Because I've lost 85 lbs.  Yes, you read that right EIGHTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!!  Yay, right?  Rah-rah "Perfect Housewife"!  Good for me!  Yeah, yeah. . .blah, blah, fucking blah!

Is it an accomplishment?  Hell yes, it's an accomplishment.  Was it hard?  You bet your life it was hard.  Am I proud of myself?  Ummmm. . . .sometimes.  And sometimes, I feel lost.  I feel disappointed with people.  I feel scared.  Scared of gaining the weight back.  Scared of not losing anymore.  Scared of who I am now.  Scared of who I want to be now.   And, quite honestly, I'm fascinated by the differences in OTHER people, more than differences in myself.

For example, when I was "fat", (honestly, I was medically OBESE, yes that God forsaken UGLY, UGLY, HORRIBLE WORD that we all HATE and are terrified of. . .I was THAT word) I was invisible.  People didn't hold the door open for me.  People didn't ask me how I was when I walked into a store;  a grocery store, a big box store and certainly NOT a clothing store.  No, I got ignored.  Or worse, I got stared at.  As in, "Why in the world is SHE here?  She can't fit into ANYTHING we carry here?  Maybe she's buying a gift." type of stared at.  God forbid, when I went to a buffet type of restaurant.  I could almost hear the owner sighing and see the employees cringing.  "Oh boy, here comes a big one!" they'd think or worse, say, to each other as I walked by.  The funny thing is, when you're obese you WANT to be invisible.  You WANT to be the "un-seen".  You WANT to pretend that you're NOT where ever you ARE.  You are the girl who "holds everyone's purse" while they're trying on clothes that you couldn't possibly DREAM of fitting into.  And you're "perfectly okay" with that, right?  You're just as happy to sit there and comment on each and every "cute outfit" that ALL of your friends try on, right?  And you certainly don't want to go to the "fat lady store" (my mother's words there. . .she was always heavy and that's where she bought HER clothes).  I'd rather run over my own tongue with a bulldozer than go to the "fat lady story" with my "skinny friends'.  Yeah, being invisible is the BEST outcome an obese person could hope for, right?

Wrong!!!!

News flash folks. . .fat people have feelings, too.  I'd have loved for someone to open a door for me.  I'd have loved to be seen.  But, seen as a whole, beautiful, smart, dynamic, purposeful, intentional, loving, DESERVING person. . .not "a fat person".  I would have loved to feel welcomed into any clothing store . . . .other than the "fat lady store".  But, I wasn't.  I was invisible.  I was hurt.  I was lonely.  I was isolated.  I was ignored.  I was belittled.  I was treated like, not only a second class citizen, but worse, I was treated like a monster.  An anomaly.  A freak.  I was told by countless folks, unsolicited mind you, how I could "shed a few pounds" or how "I had such a pretty face".  The rest of that sentence was always an unspoken, "now if you could just do something about the REST of you", you know MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY!!  People who were (allegedly) my friends would tell me things like, "Now, I don't think you're fat, but I know that you do, so why don't you try this new supplement?"  Really?  What. The. Fuck?  Is there a pill that I could give you to cure your bitchiness?  NO?  Wow. . .I should look into formulating that shit!  Wait. . .sorry, I got off track there.  At any rate, when you're fat, overweight, obese, you pick your word, you are treated badly.  At best, "differently".

So, what do I do?  I lose a shit load of weight.  I mean, I'm talking, like I've lost a "ten year old's entire body" amount of weight.  What do I expect?  I expect for folks to treat me differently.  After all, I AM different.  I realize that.  I'm not stupid.  But, I think, perhaps, I WAS naive.  See, it's been a "minute" since I've been thin(ner).  I was still holding on to that "baby weight" from back in the day.  Okay, okay, my babies are sixteen and (nearly) thirteen, but still. . .it WAS BABY WEIGHT Y'ALL!!!  Anyway, I haven't been this small since I was in my twenties.  I'm proud to say that I just celebrated my forty second birthday.  So, yeah. . .it's been a MINUTE!  However, I wasn't prepared for what actually happened to me.

Do folks open the door for me now?  Sure.  Most of them.  ALL men.  SOME women.  Hm?  Okay, I'll notice that and let it go, right?  Do folks greet me in the stores now?  Yes.  ALL men.  SOME women.  Okay. . . . .Do people stare at me when I eat now?  Ummm. . . .sometimes.  But it FEELS different now.  It feels less like judgement and somewhat more like, "Huh?  What DOES she eat?"  Subtle difference, but different it is.  Do I get attention paid to me when I enter a clothing store now?  You bet.  NOW, they want my money.  NOW, they can't wait to "dress me", shove shit on me and hope and pray that I buy their crap.  What?  A fat girl's money doesn't spend right for you or something?

Do my female friends treat me differently?  Ummm. . ..YEAH!  (Not all of you. . .those of you who know who you are, know who you are.  Wink, wink.  And, YES, I'm thankful for YOU!)  But, overall, EVERYONE treats me differently.  Not in a GOOD way, like I thought.  Like I had hoped.  Like I had planned on.  Do males treat me differently?  Can I get a huge, resounding, FUCK YES?!?!?  I'm so annoyed by this, I can't begin to describe it to you.  Men, that I've known for YEARS, YEARS AND YEARS in some cases, who didn't give me the time of day two years ago, are now falling all over themselves trying to get into my pants?  EXCUSE ME???  Did I suddenly lose my wedding vows and ring during my weight loss?  NO!  Did I suddenly become a whore, because I'm thinner?  NO!  Why on EARTH, do you think it's okay to ask me to sleep with you?  Are you kidding me, right now?  NO!!  I wish that I were!  It's no joke.  It's the truth.

Now, don't get me wrong, on some levels and with some folks, it's flattering and not "over the top" uncomfortable, that they find me attractive.  I mean, after all, isn't that WHY we all want to look our best?  Don't we WANT people to find us attractive?  Beautiful?  "HOT"?  I say, we do and for everyone who says "No, we don't!", don't fool yourself.  You, too, want to be found attractive.  It's our cultural "default setting".  I, too, have that default setting.  Although, it was long buried under all that FAT!  I, too, want to be seen as beautiful, desirable, attractive, fit, pretty and ATTRACTIVE.  (Which, by definition means. . .you'll ATTRACT people, attention, etc.)  So, yes, I see the irony there.  I see that I "got what I wanted".

But, I also lost friends.  I've also upset the delicate balance of my "universe".  I am no longer the designated "purse holder", token fat friend, girl with the "pretty face" who HAS to be funny and make jokes at her own expense, just to break the "fat tension" in the room!  I'm no longer the "trust worthy" friend who you can leave "your man" alone in a room with.  (Now THIS ONE really upsets me, because YES. I. AM!!  I would NEVER touch YOUR man, or anyone else's man!!)  I'm no longer the friend who you can complain about your weight to.  (Huh?)  I'm no longer the friend that you can invite over for dinner, because what I eat is "too weird, too low fat, too low calorie" to mess with.  I no longer remember what it feels like to BE fat, so I certainly can't commiserate with you about being overweight.  (Are you joking me, right now?)  And, I certainly must not have any more problems, because I'm thin now.  (Shut the front door.  Are you crazy?)

So. . .what did I learn about myself, the world and people in general over my weight loss journey?  I know that I'm not supposed to say this and that's it's not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE, but really. . . .I learned that PEOPLE SUCK!  I learned that, no matter what I weigh or don't weigh, people will find some reason to dislike, distrust, disrespect and distance themselves from me; from each other; from love.  Have I change because I lost weight?  Of course.  ON THE OUTSIDE!  But, my insides are the same.  I'm still sweet.  I'm still funny.  I'm still self deprecating.  I'm still insecure.  I'm still genuine.  I'm still honest.  I'm still YOUR FRIEND!  I'm still trustworthy.  I'm.  Still.  Me!!!  So, shame on YOU, too.  Shame on you for looking at fat people and thinking they're LESS worthy of love than you.  Shame on you for looking at a thin person and thinking they're LESS worthy of trust or kindess than you.  Until you've walked in my obese shoes, you won't know what THAT feels like.  Until, I walked in my "average weight" shoes, as a married woman in her forties, for the first time, I didn't know what THAT felt like.  Some days. . . .I wish that I could just walk.  Just walk my path, with my head held high and not worry, think or care what everyone else was thinking about me.  Until then. . . .


Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!

Enough Already. . . . . . .

Okay, here it is. . . .I'm done.  Aren't you done?  I mean, really?  Life is hard.  The world is ugly.  Shit happens.  All. Of. The. Time!!!  Here's what I'm proposing. . . .let's just STOP.  Stop preaching to each other.  Stop pretending that we know "so much more" than our fellow (wo)man.  I'm challenging each of you to just STOP!!!!

Let's start "Make May Memorable"!!!  Let's stop all of the bullshit on Facebook.  Let's stop posting premade pictures of people we don't know and never will know.  Let's stop quoting "famous" people who aren't any more brilliant than we are.  Quote yourself.  Quote your kids.  Quote the lady at the grocery store checkout.  I don't really care.  Just so long as either you said it or heard it from a living person with your own ears.  NO. . .the TV doesn't count!!!  Let's get back to some sense of reality here people.  Let's stop propagating insanity and stupidity and hatred.

When did we decide to start equating insanity and stupidity with "celebrity"?  And while I'm at it, who the fuck decided that celebrity was the most important thing?  You ask a fifth grader what they want to be when they grow up and they say "famous".  WHAT?  What happened to a nurse or a fireman?  We happened, people.

We need to stop with all the "preaching" bullshit, too.  Last time I checked, I am the way I am because of what my life has been.  I believe what I believe because of what I've seen, felt, tasted, learned and experienced.  Just. Like. You!  Stop.  Stop trying to convince me that I"m wrong and that you, in your INFINITE  wisdom, know everything!  I'm forty one years old.  I highly doubt that you're going to convince me to "change my religion" at this point in time in my life.  And, furthermore, I don't want you to change me.  And, I promise, to not try and change you!!!  Now, I welcome advice. . .when I ask for it.  I welcome healthy debate and conversation. . . .when it's face to face and can be done in love.  What I'm over.  . . .what I simply can not stand anymore is the internet being a way to slap someone else across the face from the comfort of your desk chair.  Just stop.

Starting in May, post pictures that YOU took.  Post sayings of things that YOU thought.  Tell me what your babies are doing today.  Tell me that you're pregnant.  Tell me that your flowers are finally blooming in the back yard or, if you're like me, that you killed yet another set of perfectly good flowers.  Tell me that you went to the dentist and it hurt.  Tell me ANYTHING that's actually happened or is happening to YOU and YOURS!  Take back our humanity, people!!!  Stop preaching unless your a preacher.  Stop acting as if you're an "analytical accountant" and "know how to fix the economy" when you're really a school teacher.  Stop pretending you KNOW the intention of the "White House Administration" unless you're sitting in that oval office and are privy to those closed door meetings.  Be yourself.  Wear it proudly.  I'm a stay at home mom.  I don't pretend to know how to juggle.  Why should you pretend to know how to fix everything?  I accept you for who you are.  Why can't you?  I don't want or need to go to my "social media" sites to get "schooled".  Just stop!!!  If I wanted to hear about all the fucked up bullshit that's happening the world, I would turn on the frickin' news!!! 

Bad things happen.  We can either let it tear us apart or rise above it  ---  TOGETHER.  I'm tired of hearing about how we're a nation divided.  WE'RE DIVIDING OURSELVES!!!!!  We're letting "them" win.  Whoever "they" are.  Don't let "them" convince you that we're "separate".  Don't let them convince you that left and right are so opposite that the two will never meet.  The last time I checked I really LIKE having two hands.  There are things that I simply could not do without BOTH OF THEM!!!  So, in May 2013, I beg you. . . .Stop.  Stop posting things, sayings, pictures, retweets, whatever that are divisive.  Stop tearing each other down.  Just stop.

I hope that this takes root.  Pass this along to your friends and family.  Let them know that you want to be part of the solution not part of the problem.  Tell them that you care MORE about what's ACTUALLY happening in their lives than what's happening in the Kardashian's lives!  Show them that you want to love them, share with them, be a part of their ACTUAL lives.  Ask them to post their most beautiful, inspiring thoughts and images.  Let's rebuild the tapestry of REALITY on Facebook and Twitter.  Let's remember that each and every person who's picture we see there really is, in fact, a person.  They have feelings, beliefs, trials, struggles, successes and miracles that happen to them every day.  I want to know that.  I want to see that.  I want to FEEL that.  I'm tired of stock photos and regurgitated quotes.  I want to know YOU.  I want you to know ME.  Be real or be quiet. . . . . .

Take a deep breath. . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!

The Honor and Grace of Intimacy

What is intimacy?  I see it as being your true, authentic self, warts and all, with another person.  I think that's being open and honest about who you are.  Allowing someone inside of you.  Not in a sexual way, but rather an emotional one.  It's scary.  It's hard.  It's a HUGE risk.  It's also worth it.  Being fake or having pretense won't work.  You have to be. . .well. . .naked.  You have to honor someone else with your truth.

I see the honor in that.  I've always valued intimacy, probably more than anything else, in my relationships.  I feel honored when someone trusts me enough to be authentic with me.  Now, that doesn't always mean that it's good, or happy, or joyful.  No.  It can be ugly and painful and even bitter at times.  However, I've always found grace and beauty in the act of intimacy.  I've also tried to honor that with being authentic in myself.  Again, this doesn't always "work out" for me.  I do tend to be more "intimate" with folks than they are comfortable with.  Some people don't WANT you to be authentic.  It's foreign to them.  They can feel threatened or uncomfortable, especially if they aren't in an authentic place themselves.  Fake is the opposition to authentic.  That's okay.  They're just not "there" yet.

I'm so thankful and grateful to those around me who are genuine and "real".  I'm attracted to those people.  Unfortunately, I'm also attracted to people who struggle with the notion.  I've found myself in many relationships, friendships, romantic and familiar, that aren't truly intimate.  I become intrigued by their walls, the barrier that keeps them from me.  I want to break down that wall. . . .get to the "creamy center", if you will.  I've always felt "special", somehow, if someone who's generally stoic, opens up to me.  I love the feeling of being "the only one who really knows them".  This has set me up to be hurt and "shoved back out" of their lives, at times.  But, it's also allowed me the intimacy that comes with being patient and having some grace.  Some of my most sacred relationships have come from "staying the course" and waiting.

It's not always been easy to "practice what I preach", however.  I didn't realize it, until recently, that even though I wake up each day with the ideal of being "true" and "honest", that I was in fact, still closed off to some people.  I wouldn't allow them in.  I was afraid.  It was too hard.  It was too much of a risk for me.  I was damaging my own well being and the very life of the relationship by being "fake".  I was afraid to be weak, vulnerable. . . pathetic.  I didn't want them to see that I was, in fact, scared.  Damaged.  Broken.  Overwhelmed.  Imperfect.  Now, in my own "defense", these people had hurt me.  Extensively.  I wasn't ready to "jump back in, with both feet" and take the risk of being hurt again.  Well, guess what?  I only hurt myself, in the end.  The distance that they felt from me, allowed them to roam free.  Gave them "permission" to hurt me.  That "disconnection" was my own creation and then I was shocked when it was taken to the logical end.  All this did was "reconfirm" for me that I was, in fact, "right" to be disconnected.  "See. . .. I KNEW that he was going to hurt me again!!!  I was right to be distant"  WRONG!!!!   You can't push someone away and them blame then for leaving you.  You.  Just.  Can't.  This can also be said for folks who've shut me out.  I just don't seem to "get the message" soon enough.  I persevere and pray that they'll open up and allow me back into their lives.  Then, I've had to make the painful choice to turn and walk away.  There again, they seem to be shocked that they pushed me away and I left.  Someone, I get to 'take the fall" for their bad behavior and lack of authenticity and integrity.  Intimacy doesn't work that way, folks.  It's a fragile thing.  Delicate.  Easily destroyed.  Extremely hard to rebuild.

Intimacy goes both ways.  You have to allow someone in as much as they have to allowed you in.  It won't work if only one of you is "playing along".  There is an honor and grace to intimacy.  It's an honor to be intimate with someone.  There is a need for graceful understanding in an intimate relationship.  Cherish those that you have and seek to better those that you've neglected up til now.  Softening yourself to those you love, isn't weakness.  Quite the opposite.  It's the ultimate in strength.  You're showing that you know yourself.  You trust yourself.  You believe that you're good enough to be loved for who you really are.  Will you lose some folks along the way?  Perhaps.  Mourn that loss and move on.  The most fulfilling feeling is knowing that every single person who knows you, really truly knows YOU!  It's much easier to be who people WANT you to be and be "guaranteed" their love.  It's also much easier to think, "If they don't love me, it wasn't the "real me" they knew anyway. . .so. . .who gives a fuck?"  Tisk-tisk!!!  You're sabotaging the relationship yourself.  Be yourself.  Be genuine.  Honor those in your life who've done the same.  Be graceful to the ones who are struggling but still trying.  Remove those who will NEVER be authentic with you (or anyone else for that matter!).

I'm deeply honored and feel complete by the intimacy I have in my life.  I feel more myself than I've ever been.  I feel more grounded.  Content.  There's a peace found in true intimacy that can not be replaced by a thousand "friends" on Facebook or a hundred "acquaintances".  It's a sacred, honorable peace.

Take a deep breath. . . . .. it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!

Fifty Shades of. . . .Twilight????

If I asked you what book has a young girl who's an only child falling in love with a multi-millionaire, adopted man with copper, tousled hair in a matter of days, what would you say?  I suspect that it would depend on your age.  Young girls would say "Twilight", whilst us "seasoned" ladies would say "Fifty Shades of Grey".  They'd both be right.

What I found to be, frankly, amazing, was the striking similarities between the two series.  To the point, of both lead characters even saying the EXACT SAME things to "their men".  Let's start with just the basics:  Isabella and Anastasia, both very feminine, somewhat "exotic" sounding names that can be shortened to something sweet. . . .Bella and Ana.  Both ladies are only children.  Both ladies are uncoordinated and seem to "invite trouble".  Both ladies are both attracted to and yet afraid of the lead male characters that are their love interests.  Bella and Ana have to fight hard for their men to see that they're not inherently evil and although these women CAN be perceived as weak or pathetic, in fact, they're both the STRONG ONE'S in their respective series.  Bella is constantly being sheltered from scary situations and danger by her over protective Edward.  Whilst Ana is, too, by Christian.  Both ladies have their lives threatened and are then "saved" by their heroes.  Although, the broader idea of both stories is that the women, in fact, save the men from themselves.  This is quite contradictory to the way the ladies "seem" on the surface.  Who would think that two ladies who are such klutz's, so young and "innocent" and, frankly, not really good at much when compared to their loving partners would, in fact, be the true "force to be reckoned with".  Neither woman gives up on their relationships, even when the reader sees the end as a good, sound decision.

Onto the men.  Boy oh boy are they the same man or what?  Edward and Christian are both adopted into their families, as are all of their siblings.  They both have more money than God and want to shower it all over their women.  (Where can I sign up for some of that?)  They both are insanely "good at everything they do".  They both play an amazing piano piece, which is used as a barometer to their mood.  Speaking of moods, are these two of the moodiest men ever?  Both men seem to "change on a dime" and leave Ana and Bella 'breathless" and "trying to keep up".  They both sail with ease and expertise.  Granted, Edward can "fly through the sky", while Christian "just" flies helicopters, but they both "can" fly.  Christian and Edward both try to stay away from the object of their affection without success.  Both men have copper hair that always "falls perfectly".  Both men have long fingers. . .. Christian's are used a bit differently than Edwards, but hey, long fingers are good no matter how you slice it.

Now, you've got the "basic stories".  Bella/Ana meet up with their lovers and are instantly fascinated and beguiled.  Edward/Christian are also intrigued from the get go, but don't think that it's a very good idea to become involved with such "innocence".  Both men fear that they will somehow bring harm to the women.  Both couples experience an "electric charge" in the air between them, especially in enclosed spaces or when their skin touches.  Now, of course, we all know that in the Twilight Saga, Bella and Edward don't "do the nasty" until after they're married, but I honestly feel like Christian is EXACTLY how Edward WOULD be if he wasn't being so restrained.  If the Twilight Saga had been written by a non-mormon and for an older audience, then you'd have a lot more "fifty shades" of sex going on.  I mean, come on.  The entire time I'm reading Twilight (which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, by the way) I was thinking, "Really??  He doesn't want to just get it on with her?  Just once???"  After all, Edward had been waiting for a hundred years for "Miss Right".  I can't even picture the man who could/would wait for an entire century to have sex, can you?  At any rate, they do wait to consummate their relationship but once they do, it's very similar to Christian and Ana.  Both men are worried about hurting the "sweet young" ladies.  Both men are having to hold back in order to keep the women "safe".  Both relationships teeter on the brink of being abusive, in the sense that both men are super controlling and over protective.  But, somehow that's one of the parts of the series that intrigue's us, isn't it?  Don't we all have some secret place inside of us that WANTS a man to love and want us so much that they're willing to drop everything and come running to save us?  Don't we want a man that would go to any length and spend any amount of money to ensure our happiness and safety?  Both of these stories ride that line, perfectly.  The balance of power is constantly being shifted back and forth between the couple.  The women are strong and powerful enough to make us feel strong and empowered, too.  The men are just damaged enough to make them sympathetic characters.  We understand why they're so "mercurial".  We know why they feel the compulsion to over protect and over react.  The reader sees how vulnerable these men are and that's very, very sexy.  Both men use their many "smiles" to get their way with the ladies.  Bella can't resist Edwards "crooked smile". . . funny enough, Christian has one, too.  

Both stories have someone evil and half crazed (at least one) freak that's trying to hurt or kill our ingenue.  There's the "build up" of fear for them and then the wonderful "relief" of them being safe in the end.  Both ladies do suffer at the hands of their nemesis, but heal up nicely.  Both ladies have an "unexpected" pregnancy that the men are none too pleased about, early into their marriages.  Both women name their unborn babies something cute and endearing. . .Ana goes for "Blip", whilst Bella calls her baby "Nudger".  Of course, both babies are born and loved by their father's instantly.  This helps the reader LIKE the men more.  Since the majority of the reading audience for these books are female, we NEED for them to be good fathers.  Both series make that happen.  We see Edward and Christian as the ideal fathers.  Both loving their children with the same intensity that they love Bella and Ana.  

The Cullen's and the Grey's are thankful for Bella/Ana in that they've made their men, who prior to their arrival were brooding and moody and probably just torture to be around, happy.  You've got Dr. Cullen and Dr. Grey, one a father, the other a mother.  Both families have big hearts but hide secrets.  And, let's face it, these families live the life, don't they?  Jet setters, who travel the world and have "property" spread around the planet.  They live lives that few of us can relate to.  It makes the series fun to read and fantasize that that could be us one day!!  The similarities just go on and on. . . ..

In the end, "The Twilight Series" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" are the same idea; just aiming at different demographic.  They even end with the perspective shifting from the ladies point of view to the men's.  Stephanie Meyer hasn't released Edward's version yet, while E.L. James had Christian's point of view as an "Epilogue".  I love both series.  Now, they're talking about making "Fifty Shades" into a movie(s).  Huh.  Sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it?

The Grass Is, Most Certainly NOT. . .Greener.

Are you one of THOSE people?  You know the ones who always think that the grass is greener in someone else's yard?  The one who thinks that the woman you're cheating WITH is fucking AMAZING.  Little do you know, or care, that her EX-husband cheated on HER last year.  (Hence, the EX part.)  So see, he thought that she was a piece of shit.  Not worth his time or respect.  Do you think that the woman you're cheating on is boring and dull and fat and unattractive?  Well, guess what Buddy-boy. . .every time THAT woman leaves the house, someone's sniffing around her, too.  Someone ELSE thinks that SHE'S "fucking AMAZING".  

Why is it that we can't see what we have in our own back yard?  Why is it that we think that a "change of geography" is all we need to be "truly happy".  I mean, come on.  Do you honestly think that if you "hook up" with this person or that person, everything will "magically be all better".  Don't you think that that guy who's cheating WITH YOU, has a woman at home who loves him with all of her heart?  That she's waiting for him to come home and love her the way that she loves him?  Don't you think that someone else cast that woman aside for a reason?  Nobody's "perfect".  No one comes without "baggage".

If you were so damn worried about the "grass being greener" then why the hell didn't you water your own a bit?  I mean, seriously.  Do you REALLY think that, you're just gonna waltz off into the sunset with Ms. Right (more like Ms. Right Now. . .) and she's going to KEEP YOUR GRASS FOR YOU?  Ummm.  No.  Perhaps, you should cultivate your own lawn.  Maybe give what you've already got some TLC.  Water it.  Love it.  Pay attention to it.  See if it greens up some.  You can't shit in your own yard for, oh say. . .sixteen years. . .and expect it to smell like roses and sunshine!  You can't leave the yard to it's own devices and then wonder why it's full of weeds, my friend.

Granted, it does take TWO to keep the grass watered, weeded and well maintained.  However, you can NOT depend on the other person to do ALL the yard work and then expect them to ALSO be the cook, babysitter, house keeper, chauffeur, accountant, all around problem solver and. . .ah-hum. . .shall we say "love maker".  Once exhaustion has set in, and believe me IT DOES. . your partner WILL let things slip.  They won't water the grass every day, or even every OTHER day.  Something's gotta give!  Perhaps, instead of being "so pissed off" that your lawn looks like shit. . ..maybe, just fucking MAYBE. . .YOU SHOULD TRY TO WATER THAT SHIT YOURSELF!!!!!   Maybe, you could pull a weed or two?  Maybe you could fertilize it.  And I mean with something other than your bullshit.  I mean. . .something that will nurture it and help it grow.

People are too quick to "hop the fence" and see what that yard next door looks like.  Now, I'm not saying that you should stay no matter what.  Abuse is unacceptable.  But, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes.  At what point does neglect become abuse?  It's a fine line isn't it?  We wouldn't be okay with someone NOT FEEDING THE DOG in the yard.  Oh no. . .we'd report them and MAKE them feed that poor, poor creature.  When is it too late to save the grass?  When is it "acceptable" to just till it under and start over?  When should you just up and move plots?  How do you decide WHAT to do with it?   I think that first, you need to figure out if it, truly, was you that killed that yard or not.  I think that you need to search it for even a blade of green grass; one spot of "salvageable material".   Be honest.  Be honest with yourself and your partner.  If it's dead.  It's dead.  But, I'm not going to say that nothing will ever grow there again.  Perhaps, you can just "start over".  Try a different type of grass.  Go about it in a new way.  Take turns watering it.  Just BE INVOLVED, in taking care of it.  Because, in my humble opinion, the grass is most certainly, NOT greener in someone else's yard.

Life is what YOU MAKE IT.  Find the joy in "gardening".  Search your mind for the reasons why you chose who you chose in the first place.  Rekindle that fire.  Try. Your. Hardest. First.  If, in the end, it's beyond saving. ..then, walk away.  But, never forget what that experience taught you.  Be honest with yourself for the portions of grass that you KILLED, yourself.  Be slow to point fingers and fast to make amends.   Your yard is waiting for you.  Right here at home.  Where it's ALWAYS been.  You have to decide if you're coming home or not.

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in "Perfect"!!!!!!!