At That Particular Time. . . .

Impressions.  Ideas.  Interpretations.  All of these are subjective.  They are also all false, contrived, pretend and constantly in flux.  One thing I know for sure is, what your impression is of someone has more to do with who YOU are and who you perceive them to be at the particular time that you both meet.  

For example, the people who went to high school with me have a very different idea about "who I am" than the stay at home moms who have met me in the last decade or so.  I've been "left behind" shall we say by several of my old high school friends.  I think, partially, because of who they believe me to be now; with little to no validity. Am I angry at them?  No.  I understand that they're basing their opinion on several things.  First and foremost, at that particular time, I was a train wreck of a person.  Hollow.  Empty.  Suffering.  Lonely.  Depressed.  Sad.  Pathetic.  Now, would you want to be my friend?  Of course not.  Then, as we all go older, I moved out of that place but still had some lingering "issues" (shall we say. . .) and clearly, I did NOT live up to their expectations about where I should be at THAT particular time.  Again, it's all a matter of timing, isn't it?

Now, fast forward to today and I've been shocked to find out from some of my more "recent" friends that they see me as: Strong.  Independent.  Intelligent.  Articulate.  Kind.  Generous.  Out spoken.  Loyal.  Hm?  Are they wrong?   Are they seeing something that my "old" (perhaps the word "previous" might be better here) friends aren't?  Are they better equipped to see the "real" me?  The authentic person I am?  Perhaps.  Strangely though, I find their assessment of me somehow unsettling.   Although, I've heard it time and time again recently, I can't seem to wrap my head or heart around it.  In so many ways, I still see myself through the lens of "that particular time", too.  Even though I know that now, I am strong.  I am independent.  I am smart.  I am well spoken.  I am kind.  I am generous.  I am loyal, to a fault.  I. AM.  Why is it always so much easier to believe the "bad" things about oneself than the good?  I feel as if, I'm telling all of my new friends some grand lie, just by being myself.  Don't they know that I suck?  Don't they know that I'm scared?  Don't they know that I'm anxious?  Don't they know that I'm broken?  Don't they know that I'm fragile?  Don't they know that I have horrible "baggage"?  Don't they know I can't find a reason to be loved?  Possibly.  And possibly, they see who I am. . .at this particular time, more clearly than I do.  Maybe, I can't let go of the desire to be accepted by the very ones who don't accept me.

Think of someone that you've known for a long, long time, but, haven't seen in years.  How do you picture them?  Probably very close to the way they were when you last saw them, right?  Is that wrong?  No.  It's just how they are stored in your brain.  Are they that same person?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I believe that there will always be a "piece" of who we "were" in the whole of who we now "are", but in truth that piece can be quite small.  Does that mean that we will always get along with the people that we got along with at one particular time in our life?  Of course not.  We each grow.  Evolve.  Change our perspective on the world.  See things through older, wiser, more mature eyes.

I do wonder though. . . . .what would happen if we were to meet again. . . .at THIS particular time?  Would we be friends?  Would I perceive you to be who you really are now?  Would I see what you want me to see?  Would you even give me the chance to be who I am now or will I spend an eternity having to defend myself and "make up for" some wrong from the past?  Whether real or only perceived by you, to be legitimate.  Can we ever really move forward in time?  Or are we all eternally stuck, in that particular time?  Doomed by fate and happenstance.  Serendipity.

I don't blame people for the choices that they make.  Truly, I don't.  What does bother me is the manner in which people can cast each other aside and never even glance back.  As if, looking over your shoulder shows weakness.  I find it sad that our pride gets in the way of real long lasting relationships, in some cases, because we can't humble ourselves enough to even acknowledge that we might be wrong about someone.   That we don't know who they are now.  That sense that giving someone a second chance just takes too damn much energy.  Well.  Shame.  On.  You.  Shame on all of us, who've walked away, moved on, let go and never looked back.  What does that behavior say about who you are. .  ..at this particular time?   Volumes.

Take a deep breath. . .  .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!