Pressure Cooker

My wonderful Papaw used to cook using a pressure cooker.  You know the type, right?  I remember being so fascinated and yet terrified of it.  I remember the way it seemed to be alive; shaking, rattling and making noise.  I remember expecting it to explode  --  standing back, peeking around the corner just in case it did.

I'm the pressure cooker now.

Don't get me wrong, I realize, of course, that I've brought this on myself.  Every towel must be hung perfectly every second of every day, in my house.  The floors must always be freshly vacuumed, swept and/or mopped, every second of every day, in my house.  Clothes must be pristine at all time.  Dust has no place in my home.  Movies are alphabetized, spices are, too.  Bills are paid ahead of time, electronically.  No room for "error" or a "oops", there.  People must be listened to, respected and appreciated.  They also are allowed limitless chances to make mistakes and be forgiven.  I'm never allowed to be angry with anyone.  I'm not allowed to "write people off", as people are NOT disposable.  If I speak up for myself, then I'll be perceived as a "bitch" and, let's face it, no one wants THAT!.  I'm not allowed to want anything.  I'm not allowed to aspire to BE anything more than I already am.  I would be a bad person if I felt anything other than blessed to have my home, my husband, my children.  Feeling resentful about anything is an emotion that should be stuffed down, at all costs.  There is NO room for failure.  Meals must be cooked to perfection, each day.  They must be nutritious and delicious.  Everyone in my life, should everything they want, the minute they want it.  If I can't produce, can't keep up, can't give enough, then I've failed.  You get the picture.  Type A personality ---- all the way.   So, I know, in my soul, that the way I feel today, is ALL MY FAULT.  Please do NOT write me and tell me such.  I already KNOW it.   

However. . . . ."knowing it" and being able to "snap myself out it" are two VERY different things.  I often wonder what switch gets "flipped" when I'm able to be thankful for everything around me and why sometimes, that same switch gets "flipped off" and I see it all as a burden.  A large burden at that.  Why can't I just see this wonderful house as a blessing, every single day?  Why can't I appreciate that I've found a man that will tolerate me?  Why can't I look into my beautiful daughters eyes and feel complete?  Whole?  Fulfilled?  Why isn't the "everything" I have --enough?  Why do I feel like I might explode?  The pressure cooker is really singing these days. . . . . .whistling its damn head off, actually.

I think that it quite possibly could be the fact that I have no control in my life.  None.  I don't have a say in when I wake up, when I go to sleep, what I eat for dinner, when I eat dinner,  when I'll ever get a "break", vacations are a "no go" around here.  There's very little to look forward to.  I "get to" do today what I did yesterday.  Which, coincidentally, is the same thing I'll be doing tomorrow.  I can't force people to be kind hearted and honest.  I can't make people be sincere and genuine. I can't seem to be nice enough to soften some people.  I can't make the people who've wronged me, make it right.  I can't force the people who have shut me out, to allow me back in.  I can't change my husband. Hell, I can't even really tell him what's wrong.  I'm too damn scared.  I'm also too afraid to open up to my friends about how I feel.  Will I be seen as weak?  Pathetic?  Depressed?  (I get so tired of EVERY woman being labeled as depressed the SECOND she has some emotion other than happiness.)  I have thoughts that I can't share.  Feelings that I can't express.  Let the pressure build.

I've spent my life caring about other people.  I like to volunteer.  I'm the person to come to if you NEED something.  Anything.  I like being needed.  I like helping.  I love to love.  I love you for even reading this.  Taking time out of your busy life to read words that I've written.  Nice.  I love people who've hurt me and done the "unforgivable".  I've forgiven them.  I've stayed in relationships, both friendly and romantic long after they became unhealthy for me.  I've sacrificed my own sense of self and sanity, in order to stay close to people; only to have them discard me once my purpose was served.  I've always been the dumped, never the dumpee.  I would never discard someone --- EVER.  Boy, that cooker is rocking and rolling now.

I want something to look forward to.  I want more.  More love.  More kindness.  More closure.  More of an explanation of the "why of it".  I want someone to look at me and see me for who I really am.  I want to be able to BE who I really am and still be loved.  I want to speak up for myself and not be seen as bitchy or bossy or selfish.  I want to stop allowing the pressure to build up inside me, to a dangerous level.  I want to be happy and healthy and thankful.   Verily, I want nirvana.  I want people to nice to each other. I want for people to see that our differences don't make us enemies; they simply make us WHO WE ARE.  I want people to work together to build each other up; not spend all their time being manipulative and trying to tear each other down.  I want us to listen to each other and really HEAR what we each have to say.  It's all valuable.  I want to find my own voice.  I want to speak clearly and feel heard.  I want my wants to be important to someone, too.  I want to be able to allow myself to have desires and not feel guilty about it.   I want to be dissatisfied with my life and not be judged for it.  I want to be able to be honest about it and not be talked about behind my back.  I want to be able to tell people the whole truth and not be terrified.  I want the fact that I'm nice, honest, caring and soft hearted to be seen as good things.  Hell, even strengths, not weaknesses.  I want to STOP being seen as an "easy target".  TOOT!!!!!!  I think that the cooker is telling you --- it's done.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know how to release the pressure.  I don't know how to "let go" of the dream that one day, everyone will actually care about everyone else.  I DO know that it's a child's dream that I have.  I also know that children always have the best dreams.  The truest dreams.  The purest dreams.  Perhaps, the most REAL dreams, aspirations, plans.  I can look around and see plenty of "grown ups" who could use a good dose of "dream" into their lives.   So, you can call me childish if you want.  I don't mind.  I suppose, in the end, I've come to realize that the pressure cooker is what makes the meat so tender.  Perhaps, it too, is what makes my heart so tender.  My feelings so raw and exposed.  Isn't it also the pressure that creates the diamond?  The pearl?  Granite?   Perhaps, one day, I too will become stronger from the pressure.  But, today----(heavy sigh)---- today, I just feel like I might blow my lid!!!!

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

Facebook OR Fakebook?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine last week.  Yes.  A "real life" conversation.  Not a text or IM, but a real life, face to face conversation.  Shocking.  I know.  Possibly MORE shocking, is the fact that she is NOT a Facebooker.  Yes, there are a few hold outs in the world.  Mainly, in Africa, but, clearly, there are even some crazy people who don't see the "benefit" of social networking, here -- in America!  After I got over my initial shock, I asked her "why"?  Why did she CHOOSE to not be a part of something so "convenient, fun, wide spread and addictive"?  Her answer actually made a whole lot of sense to me.  Perhaps, TOO much sense, even.

She told me that she had "gone on" with a friend of hers who DOES FB, and they were "looking around" and she noticed how everyone's "profile" showed things like "I went to Harvard AND Yale and I'm the President of some huge Fortune 500 company, married to a super model with 2.5 children and a McMansion."  Also, included was some glamor shot photo to show how "high school skinny" they still were.  All of course, with "BIG SMILES" and lots of travel photos to impress you with how many vacations they take every year.  There wasn't ONE REAL thing on it.  Hmmmmm.  Interesting.  Is she right?

Possibly.  I have noticed that most people only like to post "perfect" status updates and happy go lucky quotes that will inspire others to be better, happier people.  I'm in NO WAY saying that that's a bad thing.  Being uplifting and inspiring is a good thing. at its core.  What I don't like is the fakeness.  (Made up word alert!)  I don't like that when someone IS real, people commit friend homicide---  they UNFRIEND you!!!  Painful.  Scary and, sometimes even --- confusing??!!  Using social media as a weapon.  Who knew?  I hate that when I've posted things that WEREN'T full of roses and sunshine and was honest about painful periods of my life, I was, well. . . .shall we say . . . ."let go"?  Wow.  What message does that send to our children?  Don't be real.  Don't like people who are real.  Life will always be perfect and if it's not, well, then FAKE THAT SHIT!!  WHAT???  Really?  We seem to be all about not "bullying" right now.  We've finally figured out that name calling, emotional blackmail and out right emotional abuse are bad things!  Woo fucking hoo!  We seem to know all of that when it applies to thirteen year olds and kids on the playground.  Yet, we can't seem to apply it to ourselves.

I've been told, and I quote -  "Facebook was the death of you."  In reference to the way that someone's spouse felt about me.  Hm?  Really?  Gee, let me see. . .I was having an EXTREMELY hard time in my life and I made a conscious choice to NOT pretend it away.  Maybe even to reach out a bit and hope that someone could inspire or up lift me.   What did I get?  Nada.  I got told that I was "complaining too much" and "what did I want, SYMPATHY?"  Well.  MayBE.  Maybe I deserved some fucking sympathy.  Some compassion.  Some love.  Nope.  Instead, I got "unfriended" and talked about behind my back.  I got made fun of.  I got ridiculed. . .by my "friends".  What does that sound like?  You got it --- BULLYING.

So, what did I do in response?  Made another choice ----- to be fake.  To only post "happy go lucky" news.  To stop being real.  To stop expressing when life had bitten me in the ass.  To stop looking for the love and acceptance of my Facebook family.  I learned that that list of "friends" that I have is total and complete bullshit.  They're not your friends.  They're the voyeurs to your life.  They want you to see how well they're doing and knock you down every chance they get.  Facebook is their PR representative.  It's their way to "spin" their life into something that it's not.  I say "they" and I suppose what I should be saying is "WE".

So, here I am, no better than anyone else on fucking Facebook.  Faking my way through each day.  Contemplating every single status update and trying to figure out how it will be perceived.  I'm still "wrong" as much as I'm right, though.  I'm not sure that being fake suits me.  I start controversial posts --- unintentionally.  I piss people off with my belief system.  Some people have chosen to only reply to my posts when they can lash out and hurt me.  Whatever.  I mean, it's all fake anyway ---- right?  How can I let what anyone says on Fakebook hurt?   We all know that it's MUCH easier to "type" something shitty to someone than it is to actually SAY it to their faces.  Gee, I'm so glad that we've finally found a new way to hurt each other.

So, in the end, I suppose that my non-Facebooking friend is lucky.  She'll never be unfriended.  She'll never have to worry that her latest status update will start an emotional "war" between her and her "friends".  She'll never have to feel fake and therefore, disappointed in herself.  Maybe NOT drinking this purple Kool-Aid would be better.  Better, for ALL of us.   Or maybe, just maybe, we should all take a deep breath, sit back and realize that it's just a way to "peek inside" other people's lives.  Lives are dirty.  Things go wrong.  There are good days and bad days.  Really think about what you're typing to ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, before you hit the "enter" button.  Maybe, we should ALL be more real.  Maybe, we should all live and let live.  Perhaps, being imperfect, compassionate and open minded would, in fact, teach our children MORE than being judgmental, hypocritical and cruel.

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

Regrets and Revelations

I've often heard that you "never regret the things that you do, but the things that you don't".  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that that's true in a lot of cases.  I'm sure that it's possible that, one day, I'll look back and think, "Damn, I really wonder what my life would of, could of, should of been like, had I accepted that VP position with Ohio Casualty?"  But, I can honestly say. . . I regret a ton of shit that I've done.

I regret the ice cream that calls to me, that I usually answer with "YES, please.  I'll take two scoops!"  I regret wasting a lot of my life trying to please everybody else and, in the end, never succeeding.  I regret the times that I've hurt people, whether by action or inaction.  I regret that I couldn't find a more productive use of my energy than to harm another.  I regret all those times that I didn't speak up for myself and let people walk all over me.  I regret all the time that I wasted with people who really didn't deserve my time, love, affection, friendship and energy.  I regret that I didn't "kick them to the curb" years ago.  I regret that I didn't, okay, to be honest here --- that I STILL DON'T have the BALLS to tell that crazy bitch that she's crazy and to get the fuck out of my life!!  Whoa.  Where did that come from?  Anyway. . . .I regret that I didn't have enough strength the first time a man hurt me to turn around and kick his ASS!!  I regret that I haven't spent every second of my sweet daughters' lives worshipping them.  I regret that I've misfocused (my word of the day, y'all.  Embrace it.) so much of my energy OUTWARD and didn't leave enough inside to really love my husband or myself.   I regret that I've let what other people think of me mean more to me than what I think of me.

So.  Where does all this leave me?  Full of regrets. . .one might say?  Nah.  Not really.  The revelation here is this ----  I know it.  I know it all. . . . now.  I've been lucky enough to realize all of this in time.  I'm still young.  Okay.  Okay. . .young-ISH (another word of the day.  Embrace, remember?)  I feel blessed to KNOW that I don't want to be the VP of Ohio Casualty's anything.  I won't waste my time on that crazy bitch, because, well, SHE'S CRAZY!!!  I've stopped trying to please everyone else.  (For the most part. . .this one is tough people.  Believe me.  It is!!)   I'm working on focusing my energy on mine. My children.  My husband.  My- gulp - self.  I will NEVER allow a man to hurt me again!  (Can I get a "YOU GO GIRL!" Or something??)  I'm remembering to live in the moment with my girls.  To really focus on them.  See them.  Love them.  TEACH them.  Mold them into the women that I know they can be.  I'm allowing them to teach me how to be the Mom that THEY need.

Now, the ice cream still calls to me.  So does the chocolate cake, chocolate bar, chocolate chip cookies.  (You see the trend here.)  But, it IS getting easier and easier to ignore them.  Now, it wouldn't feel right to COMPLETELY ignore them, but, alas, I can "visit" them. . .less often.  I've started to see the value in me.  That I, indeed, do deserve to be healthy and happy.  Finding the balance between chocolate and the elliptical is my next "goal".  

Perhaps my most significant "revelation" has been the energy that I  put into other people.  I've become quite selective of the folks whom I choose to spend my precious time.  My precious energy.  My 'words of wisdom" (okay, don't puke or click that nasty little "x" in the upper right hand corner. . .you know what I mean!)   I'm just being VERY careful whom I "let in".  Whom I love.  Whom I allow to be an influence in my life.  I'm choosing to surround myself with wonderful, healthy, adult, mature, loving, like minded, beautiful (in every way) women.  They honestly feed my soul.  My spirit has never felt so at home.  Even though several of the friendships are "new" and very fragile.  I feel confident that they will be honest.  Humbling.  Empowering.  Loving.   ---------  Something I will NEVER regret.

Take a deep breath. . . .It's just another day in Perfect!!!!!

The "Weaker" Sex

I'm not sure what I'm still surprised by such nonsense, but, alas. . .I am.  I truly believe that some women have a real issue with other women.  Just in general.  Nothing specific or anything.  Just. . .well . . . they hate them.  They feel threatened or something.  I've found that some women, again not all, are weak.  Truly and unbearably weak.  Maybe, even pathetic.   

Now, before you send out the lynch mob, hear me out.  Women seem to be much more likely to turn to "the dark side" when something goes wrong.  Or even when something goes "seemingly" wrong. Hell, let's face it, even when something just doesn't go their way.  It's an adult version of a temper tantrum, in my opinion.  But, instead of these women throwing a fit - yelling, screaming, cussing and slamming shit around they. . .wait.  That's EXACTLY what they do.    See, SOME women don't know how to control themselves.  They don't know how to have adult conversations about their problems.  They like to yell.  Perhaps, they feel like the loudest person wins?  They like to deflect.  Maybe, they think if they can blame enough shit on you, then all the crap that they did wrong will some how disappear.  They like to back bite, back stab and back talk.  Wow.  I'm so proud to be part of this gender. 

Then, you have the women who "take it".  Yes, when you have someone "dishing it out", you always have to have a "taker".  Now, here again. . .we're weak.  I blog, quite frankly BECAUSE I'm scared.  Scared to confront the mean people in my life.  Scared to try and fail, yet again, at being heard.  Scared of being sucked back into relationships that, honestly,  I'm only too happy to be rid of.  Terrified of being seen as a "bitch".  So, what do I do?  Ah. . .yes. . . .I take it.  You dish it out and I'll take it.  No matter how much, how long, how stupid, how wrong, how hurtful, how insane, how petty, how manipulative, I'll take it.  Because I'm afraid.   But, how horrible is it to stay friends with someone out of fear?  About as bad as is it to stay in a marriage, out of fear.  Relationships, built on fear, are doomed to fail.  Yet, we allow ourselves to stick around and "take it" for far too long when the relationship is a "friendship".  We allow women to treat us a thousand times worse than any man ever could.  

Then, once we do find the strength to cut the ties that bind, all our fears are realized.  We're made out to be the "bad ones", take the blame, take the fall.  Our "friendly" dishers start dishing out their shit to anyone who'll listen.  We, "takers", sit back and take it.  Let it all roll out and wait for the fall out.  Wishing and hoping that, one day, the TRUTH will be heard.  But, who's truth?   The delusional women who make up their "truth" as the story unfolds?  The women who think that holding you back, somehow, makes them better?  Stronger?  More attractive?  More powerful? 

I like to believe that the truth always comes out.  The unfortunate truth is this --- somewhere between your version and my version is probably where the truth lies.  Another unfortunate truth is ----  as long as we're spending so much time and energy hurting each other; women will never be empowered to their full potential.  As long as you're spewing piss and vinegar at me, you're doing nothing but spewing.  You look like a fool.  You look like a bitch.  Why can't we spend that same amount of energy being kind to each other?  Loving each other?  Boosting each other?  Supporting each other?  It seems to me, that if we did THAT, we'd be unstoppable.  We'd ALL be better off.  One of my favorite quotes is, "You won't be punished for your anger.  You'll be punished BY your anger."  Remember that the next time that you're screaming at a woman whom you call friend. 

Take a deep breath. . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!

A Bump In the Road --- AKA ---- My Path Is A Pain In the Ass!!!

What. The. Fuck?  I mean, seriously?  WTF?  I feel like someone, something is trying to tell me something but for the life of me, I can't seem to figure out what it is. 

You know how folks will say that when "God" (I use the term loosely, folks....) tries to teach you something, it starts with a whisper, a soft breeze, a glimmer.  If you don't take notice of that, it turns into a louder voice, a gust of wind, a flash of light.  If you STILL don't get it, clearly because you're a dumb ass, then you'll get a scream, a hurricane force wind and the largest solar flare in recorded history.  There are those of us, who are still so damn slow that we STILL don't get it.  For us, special people, we get a horse kick to the head, a tornado that destroys our home and a super nova.  That's where I am and to be quite honest, I'm STILL NOT GETTING IT. 

I try to be as kind and open to everyone as I can.  I don't judge.  I don't pretend to know what someone else is going through.  I only give advice if asked, directly, for it.  I love unconditionally and deeply.  Intensely, even. I care about other people's problems and mourn for their losses.  I'm as selfless as I can be while still being responsible for "my own".  My own children.  My own husband.  My own home.  My own needs.  I can be annoying, I'm sure.  I have a zillion flaws, for sure.  But, I do really TRY to keep my shit to myself.  I wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to be happy today.  To love everyone I meet today.  I smile even when it feels like my face might crack wide open, from the betrayal.  I swallow my own needs, most of the time, to allow time and energy to accommodate others.  I've finally started to stand up for myself and have a back bone; to set some limits and have some good, solid boundaries.  I've apologized for the wrongs I've done and learned from them.  I've grown and matured into, I think, a pretty good woman. 

Yet. . . .people seem to still be leaving me.  Fleeing, really.  This, folks, is my WTF?  What more can I do?  I've made it my life's "work" to be better every day --- to process SOMETHING everyday.  To be introspective enough to realize when I'm headed down a wrong path and to right that as soon as possible.  But---- what do you do when you honestly can't, for the life of you, figure out what you've done so wrong?  What do you do when you've loved people SO much and sacrificed so much for them and then, in the end, they still end up leaving you?  What do you do when, there is NOTHING TO DO?  No way to "make it right"?  No way to "fix it" because you, in truth, you didn't break it?  What do YOU do when YOU can't control anything?  When you can't even speak up for yourself because you've been shut out, so completely, that, silence is the most painful weapon around?  What am I supposed to be learning from all this?  What path am I supposed to be walking down, right now. . . .today?  Next week?  Next year? 

The screaming and the solar flare still aren't enough for me.  Maybe, because it's all too loud and bright and I can't hear or see ANYTHING?  Maybe, just maybe, I'm in too deep.  Maybe, I can't see the damn forest for the trees?  Perhaps, it's staring me right in the face and I refuse to see it.  Is it possible that the fear of "what" it is, is so great that my heart is "blinding me" to it, as a precautionary measure?   Is it possible for someone to have "too much" pain and loss in the their life?  Is it possible that a person will, at some point, just shut down from it?  What is that point?  When do we get there?  Who do we become once we've reached that "fork in the road"?  Maybe, when it's all said and done THAT'S my biggest fear.  I believe that I very well could be so terrified of who I really am, that I'm hanging on, with every fiber of my being, to the "old me".  Unwilling to embrace the new.  The different.  The foreign.  The whole.  The filled.  The complete.  The "pure" --- me. 

I'm afraid to say aloud that I'm enough.  I'm good enough.  I, myself, can handle it.  I don't need you.  I don't want you.  In the end, I may not even, love you.  Maybe, I'm so damn afraid of hurting someone else that I'm allowing them to hurt me, by default.  Is it that simple?  Is the screaming voice, tornado and solar flare really attempting to purify me?   Extreme heat is the only way to mold somethings in this world.  Extreme pressure is another.  Extremes change us all ---- for the good or the bad.  In the end, I think, perhaps, we're the ones who make that differentiation.  Allow it to be for the good and it will be.  Focus on the bad and that's exactly what you're going to get. 

I'm allowing myself to be pressured into the good of it.. . . .

Take a deep breath. . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!

I Remain

I was born unto you, full of trust and innocence.
Never asking for it to be so.
You left me, the first chance you got.
Never looking back to make sure I was safe.   I remained.

I looked into your eyes and knew that you were trustworthy.

Humbled by your genuineness, I fell into your arms, looking for a soft place to land. 

You caught me and loved me. . . .I felt special and seen.

You were too good for this Earth and you moved on.

Leaving me behind.  I remained. 

She married you to replace him,
In her life and in mine.
You betrayed my trust and stole my innocence.
Never telling the truth about your crime, makes it more painful for me to bare.  I remain.

I ran away from you and from him,
Searching for some place safe.  Secure.  Whole.
The rogue child, in need of discipline was pulled back.  Restrained.  Confined.  Punished.
Never listened to, never believed, never allowed to be a child.  I remained.

I married him to escape you both.
To pretend that he loved me, to pretend I was normal.
He beat me unmercifully and I let him.
Never thinking that I deserved anything better.  I remained.

I went back to them both, time and again.
Swallowing my own pain, allowing it to eat me alive,
In order to be present in your lives, wanting you to know love; more than I had known.
Never wanting to abandon you, I remained.

You grew up and away, as all children do.
I thought that you had finally figured out the truth,
Having it told to you, mouth to precious ear.  Ah. . .precious relief.
Only. . . wait; you still linger in a place of selfish disbelief.
Never freeing me from the confines of the invisible bars of lies, told too often to ignore.
I love you too much to force your hand.  I remain.

Now I'm an island.
Alone in my pain and pressure and isolation.
It's all been for naught.
I'm not seen.  I'm not believed.  I'm not cherished.  I'm not allowed to feel a thing.
And yet. . . . . .I remain.

I'm slow. . . . .

Yes, I admit it.  I'm slow.  I'm slow to fall out of love with someone, even if they're toxic to my soul.  I'm slow to realize that just because I love someone, doesn't mean that they'll love me in return.  I've been slow to understand that even when someone does love me, it might not be in the right way or even a healthy way---it might only hurt me.  It's taken me a long time to know what true, unconditional love really is.  I've been a bit hard headed about allowing the lessons I've learned to sink in all the way.  I'm hesitant to write someone off.  Most of the time, I dig my heels in and go "kicking and screaming" into the "good night".  I don't want to give up on anyone for any reason.  I, still, believe in the goodness of all people.  I WANT them to want to do the right thing.  Clearly, I'm still being difficult in letting this lesson process.

I'm too slow to let go. . . .of anything.  If you've ever been loved by me, chances are good that you still are.  I can't think of many things that anyone has done or could to me to make me stop loving them.  Again, even when it's in my best interest to do so.  People can hurt me, talk badly about me, misjudge me, blame me for THEIR crimes, walk all over me, shut me out, ignore me, belittle me, beat me, cheat on me, walk out on me, lie to me- about me, love someone else and I'll STILL love them.  Like I said---I'M SLOW.  Even once I've stopped my obsessive kind of loving someone, there's still a good long time that I long for them back in my life; miss them, hurt for them.  After that phase has passed, I still find it hard to hear their name or hear a song that reminds me of them or smell a fragrance that brings back a memory of them.  To this day, the smell of beef jerky or maple candy reminds me of my long lost grandfather who died more than thirty years ago.  It's still hurts.  I still cry.  The pain feels fresh-----even after all this time. 

I'm slow to stop allowing myself to "take the blame" for everything that's gone wrong in my relationships.  It's always been much easier for me to just chisel away a piece of myself here and a chunk of myself there, in order to keep the peace; retain the love.   I know that I can survive another blow to my inner core as long as "they're" alright, as long as "they" still love me, as long as "they're" happy.  Now, I said I'm slow. . . .but, I'm not stupid. 

As I get nearer and nearer to my fortieth year here on Earth, I've noticed something about myself----I'm speeding up.  Now that might sound counter intuitive, but, it's true.  The speed at which I'm learning who people are, has increased exponentially.  My favorite line is this:  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Now, I've been GIVING this advice for years.  I'm just now really starting to TAKE it.  Funny thing though, sometimes, I find that I don't really want to believe folks.  I don't want to think that the lady that I've come to know is truly, honestly, not even real.  Rather, what IS real, is her selfishness, her immaturity, her willingness to blame me for things that SHE, in fact, is guilty of---things I had NO control over.  It pains me to KNOW that, sometimes, the people that I've chosen to love are in fact, not worth it.  Not worth my time, my tears, my loyalty, my sincerity, my open mindedness, my deep abiding love, my devotion, my nonjudgmental nature, my soft heart, kind words and child like honesty.  Just.  Not.  Worth,  It.

Now, what I'm slow at is hardening my heart.  Although, I know it's my best bet against further pain, I'm not quite sure how to go about it.  How to make such a thing my reality?  How do I give up hoping that the truth will always come out?  How do I "let go" of someone whom I love and cherish in my heart?  How, I beg of you, do I move on with my life and become something I've never been?   Become the leaver and not the left behind?  When is being slow a good thing?

Take a deep breath. . . . . . .it's just another day in Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!