Motherhood. That lovely word that, somedays, is a four letter word bouncing around my brain. Motherhood. Hm? What does it mean to me? What does it mean to my daughters? What do I know for sure?
I know for sure, that I'm making mistakes. Lots of them. I know that they're very different mistakes than the ones MY mother made. I know that I've worked my ass off to ensure that they're not the same mistakes as my mother, yet, I wonder.......does it really matter? Does all that effort that we put into "being better than our mothers" add up to anything? I mean, think about it. If you had a mother like mine, then she was neglectful to the point of being turned over to Social Services more than once. She was abusive in the way she both spoke to me and ignored me and my needs. She was cold and uninvolved in my life. Yet, I still tried, in vain, to earn her love, respect, pride and acceptance. If you didn't have a mother like mine and she showed you every day how much she loved you and babied you and held your hand the whole way, was super proud of everything you did and always said the right thing, then still....you have issues. You might feel like she was a "helicopter mom" and never let you breathe. You might feel like you can never live up to the "ideal" mom that you had, because maybe you have more children than she did and you're just simply overwhelmed. Maybe, you have health issues and CAN'T be that kind of mom. Maybe, you're divorced and have to work several jobs just to keep food on the table. Maybe you felt so smothered by her that you just want your children to feel the independence you never got. My point is a simple one. No matter what our Mom was like, we're not her. Our mistakes are uniquely our own.
I know for sure, that I'm terrified of the outcome. I've met several people in my lifetime and gotten close to a good many of them. Close enough to know how they feel about their mother. I don't know a single one of them that has ever said "My mother was perfect. She did the best job anyone could ever have asked for. I love and respect her in every way and I'm the perfect person you see before you BECAUSE she's so perfect." I would love to think that at least one of my daughters grow up to say that!! Reality is neither one of them will. Mothers are flawed and, in that, we create flawed people. Freud would say that all of our problems are really our mothers fault. I don't agree with that. I pray that that's not true. I will say, however, that the fear of what my girls will say about me, when their my age, crosses my mind often. Another truth is, I have little control over what that will be. All I can do is my best and hope and pray that someday, they'll be graceful enough to see that everything I did was with the best of intentions. That I am, indeed a good willed person and alas, that I did the best that I could.
Somedays, I wish that I could fast forward to some day in the future to see what kind of relationship I'm going to have with them. I'd like to see if we're super close and I'm a wonderful grandparent or, God forbid, I've hurt them in some way and they're just too wounded to spend any time with me. I'd like to see what Christmas dinner looks like 20 years from now. I know for sure, it will be different than Christmas dinner is now. I don't speak to my own mother any more. My husband's mother has passed on. I'm the only mom in the house and that's okay. I know for sure, that as a mother, you have to take responsibility for the children you create and help mold. You have to be accountable for what you say and do. Accountable for what you chose to NOT say or do. I know for sure, that one day, your children will let you know what kind of a job you did. Simply by what they say and do. I know for sure, that I can't wait to see what kind of mother my girls turn out to be.
Take a deep breath.......it's just another day in Perfect.
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