Toxic relationships. We've all had them. I've spent the last year of my life detoxifying. I've severed relationships that didn't work for me. I cut the ties with people who were hurting me or unhealthy for me. I can say, today, that it's been the most healthy thing I've ever done for myself. However, one year ago, I was a hot mess, to say the least.
It isn't like I just woke up one day and was like "Gee, I think that I'll just cut everyone that's mean to me out of my life. Can you pass the salt?" Um. Yeah. No. It was something I agonized over. Turned over and over in my head; so many times that I didn't know which way was up. I tend to over analyze things and even worry more about how things will effect other people, than how they're going to effect me. In this vein, I allow people to stay a part of my life, long after they should have been sent packing. Long after, most people would have removed them from their lives.
Forgiving has always come naturally to me. I can forgive the unforgivable. I used to think that this was a good quality in myself. A strength. Hell, I was proud of it. I've come to realize that this is a defense mechanism, I have. See, if I "forgive" you then it's all over and done with and I don't have to hold you accountable for your behavior. Easy. Self-destructive, much? I also hate confrontation. Again, once something is "forgiven", I don't need to step up and make some noise about how shitty you are. Weak, much? God knows, if I make waves, you'll probably end up leaving me. Insecure, much? It's always been better, easier even, for me to be treated like crap and have people in my life, then to "detoxify" and risk being alone. Scared, much?
So, it was a gradual process, I suppose. A slow wearing away of my hard protective shell of forgiveness. People pushing the limits of my mental well being to the point of fracture. Even my easy going personality was unable to 'keep up' with the disparaging remarks, the side ways glances, the slow but sure tearing of my essence. Being willing to forgive, yet never forgiven, takes it toll. I felt as though I was held to a "higher standard" than people even held themselves to. Can I hear-- "hypocrisy"!! After years of feeling the pain of it all, I began to dissolve. I began to truly lose myself in the process. I forgot who I was. What I believed. What I even felt about certain ideas or people. I had spent so much energy trying to please everyone else, just to justify why they should spend any time with me, that I had nothing left for the people who really mattered. I couldn't even tell the difference anymore, truth be told; of those that loved me and those that loved to hate me. The jealous ones from the kind hearted souls. I was lost. Confused and, I'm sure it seemed, confusing.
Although, I suppose it really did end up looking, to everyone involved, that I did just wake up one day and decide to kick your sorry ass to the curb. I mean, come on; I've never said one word about being unhappy as your friend or told you, Mom that you've hurt, disappointed and neglected me to the point of sheer absurdity. I can imagine that it was a shock to those of you who I've "walked away from" to realize that I actually had a back bone or even a limit. I can only hope that those people who have left my life will someday realize that people are not disposable. We're not easily replaced. We each have value. Shocking. I truly thought long and hard before I made the, seemingly rash, decision to move on without you. Yet, I still look over my shoulder and wonder......did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice?
A wise woman told me today (you know who you are...) that I was giving my power away. She's absolutely right. That is definitely my part in all of this. I never should have allowed anyone to think that I didn't have value. I should have spoken up that first day that you put me down, left me out (on purpose), stabbed me in the back, ignored and abandoned me. Hard. Bordering on impossible for me. Especially, when friends are hard to come by and Moms, well, you only get one of those in this lifetime. I finally had to realize that scarcity of resources was not a good enough reason to allow myself to be slowly poisoned. Look at it like this, I was drinking the arsenic slowly, but, still--- I was drinking fucking ARSENIC people. Asinine.
I look back now and I see, with much more clarity, that I was brain washed in a sense. I had been conditioned to believe that I didn't deserve anything better. I really thought that I had no choice. I didn't know any other way. I mean, I only have one Mother and my BFF, well it doesn't mean BEST friends for nothing!!! It had value. Relationships matter. People matter; even toxic people. It isn't easy to be alone. Even when it means being a healthier, all around better, person. Liberating.
But---how do I KNOW that I made the right decision? Is it still the RIGHT decision, even if I made it after the damage had already been done? I mean, I'm still a person who's been being poisoned for decades. I won't lie to you and say that it hasn't taken it toll. That I haven't paid a price for my fear of being alone. I'm terrified of making new friends. Of letting anyone new in. I have trust issues to the ETREME!!! It isn't easy having the woman who carried you in her body for nine months on your "do not call" list. Painful doesn't cover it. Or does it? Is the pain in itself the entirety of the experience? Is that all I had to endure? To learn? I think not. I think that THIS is how I know that I made the right decision. How I KNOW that things are how they should be (and should have been for years)......I don't feel the pain any more. I don't live there; in a place of self inflicted suffering. I don't walk around as a bundle of nerves. I don't shake like I did before. I don't fear saying or doing something that will be misinterpreted. I don't have to bite my tongue until it bleeds because I have to hear, yet again, what a great fucking Mother you must have been, because "Look at how good you turned out, Bec." Enraging. I'm free. One hundred percent free. Maybe, for the first time in my life.
So, was it okay to let go? You bet your sweet ass it was. It was amazing!!
Take a deep breath...........it's just another day in Perfect!!!!
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