When I was a working mom, all I could think about was how 'lucky' those 'stay at home' moms were. They were able to 'sleep in', or at a minimum stay in their jammies longer than I could. They were able to hold their little ones hands on the way to school. Walk them right to the door and say their 'good-byes'. They could sit around and watch soap operas and go have lunch with their friends, if they wanted to. Whilst I was stuck leaving the house at the crack of dawn. Sitting in horrible traffic, sucking in exhaust and screaming at total strangers to "Move already!". I didn't get to see my babies walk in the door of the school. I wasn't there when Victor and Nikki broke up. (Young and the Restless reference. This will show you how long ago I actually watched the soap. Victor and Nikki broke up in like 1988.) I haven't had lunch with a friend in years!! (Co-workers not included.)
I felt cheated. Robbed of the 'time' with my girls. I was actually angry at the stay at home moms. What a life they must have? How simple and easy and comforting! No traffic. No rushing. No missing out on ANYTHING. Oh, to be the coveted, "Stay at Home" version of myself. Then, I'd be happy. Fulfilled. Complete. I would be satisfying my maternal side, entirely. Bliss.
So, what did I do? I quit my quite successful, well paying, full time job. Now, I had a catalyst of course. I had a live in nanny (don't hate) and she spent all that wonderful time with my baby. I was doing laundry one day and the nanny and the baby were with me in the laundry area. The baby bit down on a wire hanger (Mommy Dearest was right....no more wire hangers for me!!) and looked up to the nanny and said.....wait for it....."Up Mommy." Yes, ladies you heard it right. She called the nanny "mommy". Well, of course, I quit the very next day. I mean, that baby can NOT think that the nanny is her mommy! Unacceptable. Now, because I was so important at my company (let me think that, okay? Don't burst a girls bubble.) it took them about six weeks to find someone to replace me. Due to my 'people pleasing' side, I couldn't just 'leave them in the lurch' (as they say). I patiently waited for the day when I was going to be able to stay home with my baby. The day in which, I would be the one to change every diaper and teach her every color and letter and how to read and write. Bliss. Right?
Finally the day came....my first day as a stay at home mom. I got up. I got the baby up and we started our lives together. Hm. Where's my bliss? It wasn't so easy to find. Honestly, in the beginning I felt good. Hell, I felt great. I just knew that I was doing the right thing for me and my baby. Never mind the fact that I had just dumped all the financial responsibility on my husbands lap. Never mind that I had worked every day of my life from the time I was 12; a paid job from the time I was 15. I just expected this 'stay at home life' to be equally fulfilling and gratifying. Hm. Was I wrong? Was I setting myself up to fail? Yes....and no.
There are some amazing, wonderful days as a stay at home mom. I was there for most of the "firsts" with both of my daughters. Awesome. I saw them take their first steps. I saw them off to school for the first time. Cried the whole way there AND back home. I've even been here for the 'first leg shaving'. Amazing. I get to go on nearly every field trip. Bonus. I get to volunteer at the girls school. Wait, what? (That's not always fun, but, hey, you take the good with bad, right?) I'm here when my sweet angels leave for school and I'm here when the get home. Perfect.
BUT----I get bored. I feel trapped sometimes; inside these four walls. My sanctuary has become a prison of sorts. I choose to keep my home, by some peoples standards, too clean. I've become obsessed with it being like a model home. I NEED to have it be immaculate. After all, THIS is my job. Money has been a pretty constant issue for us. We, like many Americans, like to live beyond our means at times. Not every day, mind you, but sometimes. Being a one income family isn't easy. Especially, when you want to give your children 'everything'. There have been many years, where I didn't buy myself one thing. I mean nothing. Not a pair of socks. Unbelievable, yet true. My husband and I went for years and didn't even exchange gifts. Not one time. Not a birthday gift. Not a Christmas gift. This was the sacrifice that we made, for me to be the "Perfect" wife and mother. Inconceivable to most working women.
I feel like a failure some days. I look at all the women that I went to high school with, I haven't gone on to graduate from university, and feel insignificant. They're all "doing something" amazing for the world. They've all (okay, mostly) chosen to be working women. Funny thing....I WAS there. I did work. Hell, I have worked, on a part time basis, even since I "quit" that good job all those years ago. But, I've never achieved the level of success that these women have. They're all amazing women. They're all changing lives with their careers. They have intimidating titles and, I'm sure, large salaries. Their children go to the best schools and wear the best clothes. They live in huge homes and drives fancy cars. They, I'm sure, have bought themselves things this year. More than socks, I'd even wager. I'm sure that they've bought expensive gifts for everyone they know. I'm equally sure that they do amazingly generous things with their money. I'm sure that they donate to charities and sock some away for their children's college funds, etc. I realize that it's more than the money. I'm sure (well, I'm guessing) that they feel accomplished and content with their choices. Bliss.
Although----I was there. I had a successful job. I made good money. Now, I wasn't really changing peoples lives, as I was an Insurance Underwriting Manager, but, nonetheless, I was DOING something. Yet, I wanted to be home. Now, that I'm home, I really thought that I wanted to work again. My girls are older. It shouldn't be hard to pick it back up, jump right in and head out the door with everyone else. Sit in the traffic and 'make a difference' when I get to where ever it is I'm headed. So, I've looked around for something to do. No one wants to hire a thirty something, without a college degree and no real work experience for the last ten years, in the middle of a recession. Disappointing. So, I've signed up to do all sorts of "odd jobs", praying that one would come through. Alas, I get the opportunity to be an election judge. Perfect. It's temporary, but, gives us some extra money, right? I hate it.
I hate sitting in traffic. I hate leaving my girls before they head out to school. I hate them coming home to an empty house. I hate having to rush around to make dinner and try to talk to my children for a few minutes between dinner and their activities. Crap.
So what, exactly, am I getting at? I guess I'm trying to say this......I'm a stay at home mom. It's the lesser of the evils for me. It's where I'm changing lives and really making a difference. It's where they do want a thirty something, without a college degree and no real work experience for the last ten years, in the middle of recession. It's where I feel accomplished. Content. Bliss. Sometimes, when you think that the grass is greener, all you need to do is take off your shoes and go run on that side of the hill for a few minutes. You just might find a sticker burr or two. You might find some super green grass. Each of us is different. That's okay.
I'm not jealous of the super successful career moms that I went to high school with. I know that they have a hard time trying to juggle everything. I know that they feel the pressure of trying to do both things well. I know that, somedays, they WISH that they had my life. Just like, somedays, I WISH that I had theirs. I don't want to tear them down. I don't want to be torn down. I want to give them the respect that they deserve. I also, expect to be respected for my choices. At the end of day though...........I just take a deep breath.
It's just another day in Perfect.
No comments:
Post a Comment