I've heard that old adage that "there is no reality, only perception" and I believe that to be true. I've also really started thinking about what, exactly, that means to me. What, exactly it means to all of us.
My reality is vastly different than the same "reality" as perceived by you. You and I could be identical twins and have lived every moment together. Experiencing the same things, at the same time, in the same manner and still, on our death beds our lives would be "perceived" completely differently. Is it brain structure? Is it personality? Is it level of emotions or sensitivity to certain stimuli? Yes. I also think that it's more like a combination of all of those things.
Interesting concept that, really, has just occurred to me recently. (Don't laugh. I realize that the simple fact that this had NEVER occurred to me before, paints me a fool.) I believe that I over estimate the level of intimacy between me and other people. Simply put, I care more about you than you do about me. I believe that you and I MUST care about each other to the same degree, right? It's never occurred to me that some people just really don't give a shit. Mainly, because I ALWAYS give a shit. I care about the lady crossing the street in the rain and wonder if she could use a ride somewhere, safe and dry. I care about my friends and what they're thinking and feeling and wonder what I could do to help them, several times a day. I care about my husband and his needs and pray that I'm meeting most of them BEFORE he even knows that he has them. I care about my children and their future and happiness. So much so, that I'll lose sleep over it. I care about the homeless on days that are 100 degrees and on days that are 5 degrees. I care about them lots of days in between. I worry about something I've said to someone years ago, because the day AFTER I said it, I realized how that person, who doesn't really even know me, could have interpreted what I said, as mean. I might even say that I've obsessed over things that I've said to people. Wishing that I could go back and change my wording or just simply never have said anything at all. I've tried to bring myself to the point in which I had the courage to apologize and give myself the chance to explain my true intentions. I simply over do it all.
I over love. I over think. I over care. I over share. I over forgive. I over compensate. I over punish myself for small indiscretions. Yet, I rarely OVER analyze the ways in which OTHERS treat me. Had I done that, I might have noticed the manner in which some people had treated me and ran for cover. I might have saved myself years of pain and abuse from a man that, truly, didn't love me. I might have stopped speaking to my mother sooner. I might have never made certain friends. I might have saved myself a world of heart ache. I might have noticed that people truly didn't (and still don't) give a shit about me. Why is it that I always think the best of people? Meanwhile, they're thinking the worst of me. It all lies in our perception, right?
I must WANT to perceive the world as a kind, caring, loving, generous place where people really care about each other and want to do what's right. Everyday. I never see people as having an ulterior motive. I don't question peoples honesty or integrity. I trust that if you're speaking to me, that you're speaking the truth. I believe that you will do what you say you're going to do, because, well, you said you would. It never occurs to me to think badly about people. Yet, it's been proven to me time and time again, that this perception makes me a fool. An idiot. The butt of many jokes. And maybe, most sadly, misunderstood by people that I meet.
Simply, my perception of the world, makes me ask after people who don't want me to know anything about their lives. It makes it seem acceptable to want to help people who I barely know. Wouldn't they want to help me, too? It allows me to fall in love with someone in just a day or two, because I see the beauty and light that they, themselves, don't see. It allows me to be there and relate to peoples painful stories and want to help them in anyway possible. In short....it makes me a sucker.
As confusing as I am to people; people are to me. I mean, how can you take me wanting to help you out as a bad thing? How is it possible that that boy from high school...the one that I loved so much, only saw our relationship as a sexual one? How did that man that I loved, and would have married, not know that I was sincere in my feelings for him? How can the friend that I've loved and shared my life with feel embarrassed that we were friends? How can a woman who knows that she's doing something wrong, allow me to be labeled a liar, just to save her own ass?
The reality is.......your perception of this blog, is one hundred percent NOT my perception of this blog and no matter what I say or do, you are going to see it through your own filter. Read into it what you will. Entirely miss the point, maybe. Even become angry with me. I only hope that it will get you thinking and maybe even change your perception of someone you know. Hell, maybe even how you "perceive" me.
Take a deep breath.....its just another day in Perfect.
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